Dear Writer,
It has been a pleasure to read your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.
Beginning: I liked that you got right to the action. You didn’t play around trying to explain who Auguste was or why he was in the same house with his ex wife and her boyfriend… straight to the action. Excellent.
Middle: The mid-section of the story was good. Parts were a little confusing as time passed so quickly, but some of that could be due to some formatting issues and not the story itself. There were lots of great ideas, emotions, and details for the scenes and characters. Great work!
Ending: I loved the sentiment of the ending, though it seemed a little sudden and I would have liked to know more about how Angela and her Papa bonded; more than the single brief encounter. That’s just me, though. You tied up all loose ends and brought the story to an emotionally satisfying close. Wonderful!
Overall Impression: I’m so glad I had the opportunity to read your work today. I enjoyed your story and found it interesting, engaging, and heart-touching. A valiant effort and well worth the read. Thanks for sharing it.
 TECHNICAL REVIEW
In the text below, red text is your original wording. Blue text shows suggestions. These suggestions are in no way an attempt to rewrite your story or tell you what to do. They are merely examples of the ideas and suggestions discussed throughout the review. They are intended to be helpful and to inspire you to look at your work through the eyes of the reader in order to see the potential for improvement and/or expansion if you ever desire to do further work on it. Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written, using anything you can to improve in your writing skills and discarding that which doesn’t work for you.
The terrifying sound of his child gasping for air woke Auguste up.
Although the “never end a sentence with a preposition” rule is technically a grammatical rule for Latin which somehow found its way into the English language, it’s application here would help smooth out the opening sentence.
Auguste awoke to the terrifying sound of his child gasping for air.
… smoke was reaching for them…
This is an excellent phrase! It gives the smoke a personality of its own and helps the reader form a more vivid image of the scene.
He searched for his cell phone to dial 911.
"We need help. There is a fire at 911 Treetop Lane. We are trapped in the bedroom on the sixth floor."
Auguste cradled Angela in his arms. "Please, God. She is all I have".
This is one of several formatting issues. Most of your paragraphs are separated by double spaced lines. This one, though, depending on how you wanted it to be, should either have another space between “911” and the beginning of the dialogue, or the dialogue should be moved up to the end of the sentence ending with “911”.
Also, unless this is a true story and the address really is 911 Treetop Lane, having the two occurrences of 911 in such close proximity is distracting and puts in ironic humor at a point in the story where the reader should be feeling the distress, fear, and concern of Auguste.
Auguste sounds awfully calm for being trapped on the sixth floor with his young daughter. A little expansion in this area could really get the reader into the story. More emotion from August as he makes the call and pleads with God for his daughter would give a stronger pull on the reader’s emotions, drawing them into the story immediately. You might also incorporate additional scene description and a mention of whether Angela was awakened by her own wheezing or his picking her up out of bed. Was the smoke black? Perhaps if hung heavy in the air like smog. It could have floated through the room like an eerie black ghost, tinged with red from the flames lapping around the edges of the towel he’d stuffed beneath the door. There are many possibilities, any of which could increase the drama and suspense for the reader and urge them to continue reading to see what happens.
Many other passages could likewise be fleshed out to give the reader a greater sense of what is happening and the emotional reactions of the people involved.
…Now she was twelve and Helene said she still cried for her Papa at night.
One evening there was a soft knock on his door.
The first sentence is the last part of a paragraph and the next sentence is the beginning of the next. The reason I point this out is because it makes it seem like Angela is twelve years old and still crying for her father when she goes to visit him. Actually, though, it must be several years later because in the conversation that follows, she tells her father she was thirteen when Aunt Helene made her volunteer to help burn victims. You never say how long Angela had been volunteering, but likely it was a considerable amount of time for her to get over the shock of how they looked and come to love them. The phrase: “I was thirteen when…” also indicates it had been a good period of time because if she was still thirteen, she could have said “last month” or “last December”.
To clarify the passage of time for the reader, you might change “one evening” to “a few years later”. You could even add another paragraph telling how Auguste felt about his daughter growing up. You said he had letters and photos from his sister. Maybe she could show up at his door while he’s looking at pictures from her sixteenth birthday party. It would give the reader an indication of her age and make a smoother transition when she said “I was thirteen when…”
"I was thirteen when Aunt Helene said, "I think you need to know about disabled people. It is good to volunteer for your fellow man. Jesus taught that when he washed a prostitute's feet."
Angela came back."Well, I am not Jesus!"
"That is exactly why you will do this".
There are some punctuation problems in the dialogue. Angela is speaking to her father and quoting her aunt’s words. Aunt Helene’s words only need single quotation marks:
”I was thirteen when Aunt Helene said, ‘I think you need to know about disabled people. It is good to volunteer for your fellow man. Jesus taught that when he washed a prostitute’s feet.’”
Additional portions of the conversation follow but it is difficult at first to understand who is saying what because at first Angela is speaking but then you refer to her by name as saying something back to her aunt. If she is going to start telling her father the story, she needs to tell it to the end of the quoted dialogue. This may mean adding additional dialogue so Angela can explain the conversation more fully to her father. This would also be a great time to add more of Angela’s emotions, especially her resistant attitude toward her aunt’s suggestion and then the change of heart she had later. Because she is continuing to speak even though there are several paragraphs, no closing quotation marks are needed until the final portion of her dialogue, although opening marks begin each new paragraph.
”I was thirteen when Aunt Helene said, ‘I think you need to know about disabled people. It is good to volunteer for your fellow man. Jesus taught that when he washed a prostitute’s feet.’
”I didn’t want to do volunteer work and I wasn’t very nice to Aunt Helene.” Tears filled Angela’s eyes as she recalled her words and she looked at the floor, ashamed, as she repeated her reply to her father: “’Well, I’m not Jesus!’ I yelled at her.
”But Aunt Helene had an answer for me, too. ‘That’s exactly why you will do this,’ she said, and I’m glad she did. I wasn’t at first, but I was after a while.”
Allowing Angela to tell the story will let her add emotion, attitude, and insight for the reader to more fully understand her character. The remainder of the story she tells about going to visit burn victims and crying for her parents can also be enhanced with additional comments from Angela about how she felt about the things she saw and did. The punctuation for dialogue would continue the same, also: no closing quotation marks until her entire portion of dialogue is finished, but opening marks at the beginning of each new paragraph where she is speaking.
Expanding Auguste’s response to his daughter would add even more strength to the emotional impact of the story. As it is, there is a third person narrative statement which blandly states he tried to explain why he didn’t want Angela to see his burns. Her response to him is heartwarming and beautiful, but if you allow him to tell her how he feels, it would make it even more outstanding and meaningful to the story. He might even agree with her statement about Aunt Helene being so smart for having her do volunteer work with burn victims.
She wanted him to come to her school for Career Day…
This is an abrupt change from the emotional scene of the father and daughter reunion. Did she ask him that night? Was that the reason she went to see him? It seems that reestablishing a relationship with him would have been more important than Career Day. You might ease into this detail a little more slowly and add a little more about Angela’s feelings.
That evening Angela asked Auguste if he would visit here school for Career Day. She was proud of how he helped people forget their problems for a while by bringing them laughter. She wanted others to learn what she had learned about the importance of helping your fellow man.
Helene had finally told Angela the remarkable story about how her own Papa had saved her and then tried to save her Mom.
He picked her up, whirled her around and hugged her close. He had caused both of them heartache because of his own fears.
These two sentences seem out of place. The first sentence about Helene telling Angela about her father could be put in right around the time. It could help to transition from the part about her being twelve and crying for her father into the passage where Angela tells him about her volunteer work. Perhaps Aunt Helene waited to tell Angela about her father until her fifteenth or sixteenth birthday; whenever she felt she was ready to know all of the details based on her reaction and progress with the burn victims.
The second sentence could come after Angela tells her father she sees his scars as a badge of courage. A little expansion on his realization regarding the results of his own fears could help the reader more fully understand his emotions.
He speaks of precious wasted time.
This sentence could be expanded upon. It could sum up so much of the story and tie up any loose ends for the reader.
He speaks of the precious time he lost, isolating himself and staying out of his daughter’s life.
You could even mention that he had the courage to try to save Angelina, but it was Angela’s love and compassion that gave him the courage he needed to take off his mask and help others by giving them hope as well as laughter.
In Conclusion: As mentioned, there are a few formatting problems where paragraphs run together, and there are some places where more emotion and a bit more detail could really bring the story to life for the reader.
The story line is beautiful and unique. It teaches a lesson without being preachy or haughty. It is a lovely family story that teaches compassion and acceptance of others, as well as a need to reach out and help others when we are able to do so, even if we feel we have very little to offer.
I hope you find something in this review that you can use to make your wonderful story even better. Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness, using what you like and discarding the rest.
I’m truly glad I was able to read your work today. I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.
Write on,
Deborah
Trying to lose weight? Looking for encouragement, support, tips, or recipes? Have some to share? Visit "Invalid Item"  today!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
" Invalid Item"
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
