Dear Judy,
Here is the review you requested.  I hope you're doing well with your treatments.
I enjoyed reading your story. The drama and emotion of your words could be felt and it was easy to picture the events as they occurred. The conversational tone of your story helps the reader identify with the feelings of panic as they start as a small worry and build to the horrifying realization that something is dreadfully wrong.
There was a lot of wordiness, though, that slowed the pace and keeps the story from moving along at a pace fitting the events it contains. This made it feel a bit choppy and segmented instead of a continuous procession from one event to the next. I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors, and the only typo was a repetition of the word my in the paragraph where you are on the phone with 911.
Below I've highlighted the wordy areas and explained what might be done to reduce them to give more emotion and impact. In some places, simply crossing out words wasn't enough; it took rearranging of thoughts and combining sentences to reduce the repetitive feeling. In these areas I've highlighted the original and red and wrote an idea in blue.
I hope you find something you can use in this review. Please accept it in the spirit of friendship with which it was written, using what you feel suits your work and discarding the rest. Thanks for sharing your work and for asking for a review on this piece; as always, I am happy to oblige.
…did what I enjoyed most...snuggled up with him for some "rocker time" before putting him to bed.
A space is needed after the ellipsis. Also, rocker time really only needs single quotation marks as it is not a direct quotation but a paraphrase of a unique erm that is possibly unfamiliar to your reader, though I’m sure they get the idea from the context.
At 3:30 a.m., I awoke when he came into my bedroom and crawled in by me. Putting my arm around him, I was instantly wide awake. His little body was burning up with a fever.
This passage is wordy and repetitive. Rearranging some of the information would reduce both of these tendencies. Combining the second and third sentences would help even more. By removing the portion about waking until the next sentence and simply stating that Jason crawled into bed with you, you can get rid of all of the obvious statements in the first sentence about waking up (which is repeated later) and his coming into the bedroom (which he would have to do in order to crawl into your bed). I also struck wide as an adjective for awake because instantly tells the reader it was sudden and for a reason. Using the colon sets the reader up to find out the reason. I also crossed out a before fever because this wasn’t just any old childhood fever; it was a deathly serious incident that could have had a tragic ending.
At 3:30 a.m. Jason crawled into my bed. Putting my arm around him, I was instantly awake: his little body was burning up with fever.
Having been prone to ear infections and high fevers from the time he was an infant, I didn't panic [but knew he needed to cool down].
This passage is wordy. Rearranging the presentation of facts will help smooth it out. Since Jason is only two years old in this story, saying from the time he was an infant doesn’t carry the impact if would if Jason was seven or ten. Therefore, stating that he was prone to ear infections and high fevers is sufficient to establish an ongoing pattern without the wordiness of the aforementioned phrase. Rewording the concluding phrase of the sentence and attaching it with a semi-colon will make a more balanced transition into the rest of the paragraph.
Jason had been prone to ear infections accompanied by high fevers so I didn’t panic; I knew how to cool him down.
I gave him some baby aspirin, took (removed) his jammies off and told him he could "sleep in mommy's bed" until morning.
The phrase took his jimmies off is wordy. If it was at the end of a sentence it would make a sentence that concludes with a preposition, but even mid-sentence the phrase is awkward. Replacing it with removed smoothes the flow and induces the same imagery.
There’s no need for quotation marks around what you told Jason. You haven’t introduced it as dialogue and it’s a paraphrase of something most readers would be familiar with so there’s no reason to set it apart from the rest of the narrative.
I gave him some baby aspirin, removed his jimmies, and told him he could sleep in mommy’s bed until morning.
Jason curled up next to me and I put my arm around his tummy. Not a minute later, as we were both lying quietly in the dark, I felt him jump...as if he'd been startled, or perhaps was having a bad dream.
A couple things here: wordiness is one. It’s 3:30 a.m. and you didn’t say you turned any lights on so there’s really no need to say it was dark. In the next paragraph you say you rushed him to the living room and turned on the light, which reemphasizes the fact that it was dark prior to the light being turned on, making it repetitive information if stated here.
The ellipsis isn’t needed. This could simply read: Not a minute later I felt him jump as if he’d been startled or having a bad dream.
"Jason, are you ok sweetie?" I asked. No answer! "Honey, what's the matter?" Still no answer. It was then I sat up, scooped him into my arms (up) and took him out into (rushed to) the living room to turn on a lamp.
Lots of wordiness above.
"Jason, are you ok sweetie?" No answer! "Honey, what's the matter?" Still no answer; I scooped him up and rushed to the living room to turn on a lamp.
Holding him under the light, his eyes were wide open but they were terrifyingly vacant. I can't begin to adequately describe his eyes but I somehow (I) knew he wasn't in there! His body was as limp as lettuce and he didn't respond to me in any way.
Again, the major thing here is wordiness. An ellipsis in the last sentence of this passage would give a more dramatic pause and more emphasis than even the exclamation point.
His eyes were wide open but terrifyingly vacant. Somehow I knew he wasn’t in there… his body was as limp as lettuce and he didn’t respond in any way.
I then realized he was gagging slightly. Thinking he would be throwing up, I ran with him to the bathroom and held him over the toilet. While nothing came out, I suddenly saw that his lips were turning blue! Complete panic set in by this time and I grabbed the phone and called 911.
While talking to the operator with the phone in the crook my my neck, I bent him forward over my left arm and thrust my right hand into his belly, frantically trying to get him to breath.
Trimming this part back, rearranging some thoughts, and combining actions will create more fluidity in the imagery. More succinct thoughts and actions here will add more emotion and drama, speeding the pace and delivering the impact such an event would carry. The above two paragraphs took 91 words. Below, I’ve reduced it to 69 words.
Jason made a slight gagging sound and I rushed him to the bathroom thinking he’d throw up. I held him over the toilet; nothing came out but his lips were turning blue! Complete panic set in as I dialed 911. I held the phone in the crook of my neck and draped Jason over my left arm, thrusting my right hand into his belly, frantic to get him breathing.
What utter joy it was to finally hear him cough. He was finally breathing and I knew he wouldn't die. Just seconds later the EMT's arrived and whisked us off to the hospital.
Rewording and connecting the thoughts of the first two sentences with a colon will give the reader a cause and effect sentence: relief when Jason’s cough showed he was breathing again this assured you he wouldn’t die.
Relief flooded my body when Jason coughed: he was breathing again and I knew he wouldn’t die. Seconds later the EMT’s arrived and whisked us off to the hospital.
Hours later as I sat in my son's hospital room watching him sleep, I replayed the drama in my mind. Slowly, goose bumps rose on my arms, but this time not out of fear. The night's events had played out in perfect harmony and I knew God was to be thanked for saving his life.
Wordiness…
Hours later I sat in the hospital room watching Jason sleep, replaying the drama in my mind. Goose bumps slowly rose, but not out of fear. The night’s events had played out in perfect harmony and I knew God had saved his life.
As you recount each event, you might use a bullet instead of the asterisk so they stand out more clearly… e:bullet with the brackets:  .
Trimming each point to just the details will make a clearer summary that has a greater impact on the reader.
Had Jason not curled up in my bed, I wouldn’t have felt his seizure. Instead I would have found him dead in his bed.
Had I not taken him into the light, I would never have seen his eerily vacant eyes and realized there was a serious problem.
Had I not heard the gurgling sound and held him over the toilet, I would not have seen his blue lips and realized he wasn’t breathing.
Had I not instinctively turned him head down over my arm and pushed on his tummy, his tongue would not have fallen forward, unblocking his throat, allowing him to breathe again.
Yes, this was one series of events that I knew without any doubt in the world, God had intervened and sent an angel to save my little angel. I will forever be grateful for that one miracle!
There’s a lot of wordiness here that takes away from what you’re saying.
Recounting these events I knew without a doubt that God had intervened, sending an angel to save my little angel. I will be forever grateful for that one miracle!
I'm so glad you shared this story. Sometimes we do things we can't really explain but if we had done them differently the outcome would have been tragic. One such event in my life still gives me chills. Somewhere I have the story I wrote about it but I can't find it. When I do, I'll post it and let you know about it.
Write on, my friend. I hope you're doing well and regaining strength. Write when you're able and feeling up to it.
Take care. Much love,
Deborah
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