This is the sixth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
I love this! The last line is a perfect ending to this story—it even made me smile. It is true that there are people who, when in highschool, were outcasts, but excelled in their lives after it. Emily was also realistic because the emotions and thoughts she displayed weren't saintly. I mean, anyone will still harbor even a little bad feelings toward those who belittled her in the past. It is a picture of real life and real people, an ingredient I always find in your stories.
I found no grammatical errors. Good job on that! I found the narration well-paced. All the information the reader needs to know, you put in there without doing info-dumps.
To tell you the truth, I am even looking to read more. It will be really interesting if you do a follow-up to this and detail what happened in the reunion. I will be really interested to read that. After all, I love it when people who had been treated badly in the past make a comeback strong in their individuality and confidence.
This is the fifth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
What a beautiful piece! Your word choice is great; it really brought the scene out. I also find it clever how you made several references to the same character(s) but didn't break any prompt rule. Very good!
The imagery is very effective. You made me see the scene you described vividly in my mind's eye. My favorite part of all is this sentence, because it is just so filled with nostalgia and the picture of a time that has gone on with the years: Thousands crying for freedom, chained towards giant ships.
I love learning about history but I also look forward to the future—that is probably why I really loved this piece. It is a piece of memory intermingled with the whispers of the years to come. Well written!
This is the fourth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
As I can see, you repeated no words in this 100-word story. Well done! I commend you for doing such a good job of telling a clear, interesting story with such a hard prompt to work with. The subject matter is also a good one—very interesting. You really made me wonder what it is about the new neighbor that got people talking. I also like the small reference you made to the black woman. She held her head high, and I don't see any reason why she should not. It is just so narrow-minded when people think the way those neighbors do. But I guess this has a timeline back then. Am I right? Since the whole neighborhood is talking about it and all.
You really wrote this well. You have a talent for storytelling. Keep up the good work!
This is the second of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this review helps you!
This was a really sweet piece. You incorporated so much information in such a short space and I commend you on that. There were also no info-dumps; the flow of the story was smooth and the characters are people the readers can easily relate to.
The ending was also effective. You tied it up in the exact moment you should.
Suggestion: The hot smell of roasted cashew nuts, plantains and corn, assailed my senses as I ordered the snow cone from the jovial man behind the stand. I think the placement of a comma is wrong and it is affecting the smooth flow of the sentence. Here is my suggestion for revision: The hot smell of roasted cashew nuts, plantains and corn assailed my senses as I ordered the snow cone from the jovial man behind the stand.
This is the first of twelve short story reviews I will be giving you in behalf of Jessica and "Invalid Item" . I hope you are enjoying reading my reviews.
This was a nice read. It breathes of freedom and the breaking of society's shackles. I, however, am a little confused as to the timeline of this story. In what year exactly did this happen, when wearing skirts above the knees weren't considered 'proper'? I am realy curious about it.
The narration was also effective and well-paced. The tone was very realistic and easily involved me in the events.
I only have one suggestion:
I stood before the mirror in my room, dressed in nothing but St. Mary’s school uniform and biting my lower lip gently; I began to hitch the cloth up. This read awkwardly. I think you can better the read by revising it a little. Here is my suggestion for revision: I stood before the mirror in my room, dressed in nothing but St. Mary’s school uniform. Biting my lower lip gently, I began to hitch the cloth up.
This is the sixth of seven flash fiction reviews you will be receiving from me through "Invalid Item" . May you find this review helpful!
Positive Points: The ending was unexpected! I was so intrigued by who the 'he' was ... and was so surprised when I found out who it is. You wrote an engaging, intriguing story in such a limit amount of workspace. You took the prompt and used it in a uniwue way. One would immediately associate the prompt with romance, but you didn't settle for the norm. Good job.
Negative Points: This is only a small thing, but I was taken aback with the sudden change of tone in the part However, I have great news!. The aura of the story was melancholy so this part threw me off.
This is the fifth of seven flash fiction reviews you will be receiving from me through "Invalid Item" . May you find this review helpful!
Positive Points: The opening paragraph was great. You captured the scene very well. I like the quotation at the top; it gives the readers something to ponder. This is a very realistic short story—a reflection of history. The raw truth in it is moving.
Negative Points: I know you do not have a lot of space to work with, but I think it would be better to write one scene instead of two—saying that Jeffery had already enlisted at the start of the piece rather than breaking it up and making it happen in the middle.
Suggestions: Again, use an M-dash instead of a hyphen as a parenthetical punctuation. In the line She watched him place a kiss on their daughter’s head, before being engulfed within his arms. it is better to omit the comma.
This is the second of seven flash fiction reviews you will be receiving from me through haremprincess and "Invalid Item" . Below are my thoughts on your piece.
Overall Impressions: Great story! It captured my heart. I even felt some sadness for the lady in the park. To tell you honestly, when I read the title I thought it would be the typical reminisce of a character ... but I was in for a pleasant surprise.
This short is really touching—full of emotions the reader can firmly grasp. I think some can even relate to the main story, and that only adds to its appeal.
You wrote this beautifully. I really enjoyed the read!
I will be reviewing seven of your flash fiction pieces to make up for the poetry reviews (since you only had eleven poems). I hope this review finds you in good condition.
Positive Points: The narration is fantastic. It reels the readers in and never lets go. Your choice of words are excellent; I like the statements between the paragraphs and how you incorporated colors into the emotions. All in all, very well written.
Negative Points: This is not really that big of a deal, and I have already told you this before, but when using an ellipsis (like you did in this item), always add a space before and after it. The outcome is predictable and this kind of pattern has been done so many times before. You did make a difference with how you told the story, but I would have liked it more if the ending took a different turn. These are only my opinion. Feel free to take any or none of them.
I feel bad giving you such a low rating, but I do want to be honest . As you already know, I like figurative poetry more than the literal ones. This falls under the latter, so this is not 'my cup of tea', so to speak.
You did tell an interesting story! I felt like I was watching a romance comedy the whole time I was reading .
I have one line I feel I should bring to your attention; I hope you don't mind. The part ‘Tell me, good stranger, what do you want with me?!’ is alright, but what bothered me was the word good. It was out of place, since the woman should be a little panicked. She doesn't have a reason why she should call him 'good stranger', unless of course this happened in the 1800's.
I hope my reviews helped! Please don't take offense and take only the suggestions you think is right. God bless you!
First of all, congratulations on having this published! This piece was a great read, so I'm not wondering why that happened. Congrats on the pretty awardicon pinned on this item as well.
What can I say? The flow was smooth—I didn't find any distractions or bumps. The use of punctuation marks were great and on-the spot. I also like how you showed different sides of your 'baby'. Eberything has dimensions, right?
I only have these suggestions: Seeing all that words could never say.
can And that is all I could ever need.
can Pretty much the same
I find this poem clever. You spoke your mind in this piece, and the volume was loud. It was full of challenging questions.
However—and again this is more of my personal preference than anything else—I think this would be better off written as prose. This doesn't sound too much of a poem for me (sorry ) but I do think the message was good. If this was an article, I believe the message would be more effectively conveyed.
I do have a favorite part, though! The lines below are so in-your-face, I love it: When you look at me, what do you see?
A smart ass, a suck-up, a first class bitch?
What a nice poem. It touched my heart; I think this was sincerely written for it breeds honesty. It jumps off the page and captures the readers. The lack of punctuation mark doesn't even bother me for I think the flow is really good and the read smooth.
You really have a talent in making a piece look appealing. The use of basic WritingML, the blending of colors, and the simple but lovely image are effective in rousing and keeping the attention of the readers.
The only suggestion I have is for you to capitalize the words referring to the Lord (He, His, etc.)
My Favorite Part:
Let me walk with you in that blinding field of white I like the words blinding field of white. Very appropriate.
What a precious little poem! It flows really well and has really interesting wordplay. I really like how you can throw words together and make it into effetive lines. This may be a short piece, but it is packed. I really enjoyed reading this.
I have come across the form you followed in this piece and it's not that easy, if my memeory serves me right. The prompt is also hard, so I commend you for being able to pull it off.
This is my sixth out of eighteen poetry reviews you won in "Invalid Item" . Sorry for the delay in my r/r's; hope you don't mind!
Positive Points: Fantastic use of WritingML. It catches the eye immediately and makes the item more appealing for the readers. The color scheme is not distracting; on the contrary, it enhances the poem. You used the ABCeDarius form perfectly. I do not see any errors. You told an intriguing story. The descriptions are very effective; the wordplay can tease the imagination. In fact, that is what I liked most about this piece.
Some thing to think about: This is more of my personal preference, really. I just noticed that some lines were too long (for my taste). Other lines were also written like prose, since the thought is continuous. An example of this are the lines four and five. I don't propose for you to change it, but it is something to keep in mind.
My Favorite Part:
Fingers tapped restlessly upon gossamer wings as she and
Queen of the Jokers, her shrill laughter echoed persistently
Running around him in circles with ribbons of lace fluttering in the wind.
My thoughts:
I know this is part of a larger work, but since this is a piece set apart in a static item, it is very important to provide the basic information about the plot. Or, if this was the start, then the proper introduction is needed. I felt like I opened a book and read a chapter in the middle; I'm really clueless and didn't know what was happening, who the characters are, etc. The details weren't given.
There were also a few grammatical errors in the piece. A proof-read and a spell-check would do the trick, though.
It is very important to write a clear story. If it is not, how can you involve the readers? It is impossible to do that if the plot is unclear and the readers do not know anything about the characters. This has potential. Work on it and I am sure it will be a good story.
This is my third review for you for the day, the last of your poetry. Here are my thoughts regarding your piece "From the Shore" . I hope you find this r/r helpful!
What I liked: The whole aura and 'feel' of the poem is great. I was transported into Tolkien's classic. I really like how you managed to pull of such an excellent wordplay. Not only did you express emotions; you also told a story.
My favorite part:
While I am shrouded,
The trees die on the shore.
This is my fifth out of eighteen reviews for you care of haremprincess, which she gifted to you through "Invalid Item" . I hope I am not just littering your inbox with reviews! I think this will be my last r/r for the afternoon (or day, in your time ).
I was shocked when I read the last line. As I was reading, I knew that the love expressed here was controversial, but I thought it only rose up to the ranks of mistresses and suck. But I was shocked and literally said Oh my! when I found out the truth! But since you got that reaction from me, it just proved that you wrote this well.
The 'figurative factor' I was talking about in my previous reviews was present here. I like how you wove your tale without being too obvious (being too literal). Instead, you painted intriguing imagery the readers (especially me ) can explore.
On the other side, I have a question. Why were some words italicized? They distracted me and made me stumble in my read. If it has a reason behind it, I suggest for you to write an explanation at the bottom with the form information. Also, I think a few punctuation marks littered at the end of some lines wouldn't hurt.
Not every line in this poem should begin capitalized. You may lower-case some of them, especially those continuous parts. I think it produces an unconscious smoothness in a poem's flow.
All in all, very well done. This is a memorable piece and I commend you for creating such an effective one. God bless!
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"Invalid Item"
This is my fourth review for you, the third for the day. I am happy I was able to go into the corners of your port and discover a hertfelt piece such as this.
This poem breeds honesty, love, and care. It is tainted with sadness, but hope and faith still makes up its majority. This is a special piece since you are detailing real life ... you are opening yourself to us at the community and I am sure that is greatly appreciated by everyone who have read this. The memories are not made-up but real fragments time has blown away to the mind. It is not without pretentions.
The only reason why I rated this 4.5 is because of my personal preference. I lean towards more figurative poetry, where the author teases the mind of the readers and lets their minds wander off to form their own stories and conclusions. It is just that your writing style is different. But when it comes to the core and heart of this poem, you did very well.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Have a nice day.
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"Invalid Item"
What do you know! I have rated this piece of yours before, too; I remembered it when I read it again. I only have a afint recollection of what I said in my review, though. So here is my third out of eighteen reviews gifted to you through "Invalid Item" ; I hope you enjoy reading it.
What I liked: The wordplay is good. It can tease one's imagination. I like your use of WriitngML. You only used a few but it really helped create a better and more appealing presentation. Explaining the form you used at the bottom of the piece is good. When a reader opens this, he or she not only gets entertained with a poem but also learns something new about poetry if ever he/she doesn't know many forms. This has a sweet message. It is an easy and comfortable read.
Suggestion: Adding some more punctuation marks will help the emotion come out more freely.
My Favorite Part:
For I am
Black and you are White
Color coded sin.
Write On!
Equilibrium
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"Invalid Item"
This is my second out of eighteen poetry reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I am back in your port once again and I hope my reviews will be helpful to you.
Again, like my previous review, I find I already rated this before. But to refresh both of our minds, I think it is best if I offer my opinion once more.
What I liked The presentation of the piece is effective. Your use of WritingML is satisfying and doesn't become a distraction. You obviously followed a prompt here, which is to write an acrostic of the alphabet. I want to commend you for being able to pull it off. You told a story through this poem. I believe some readers could relate or identify with it, since the idea behind is realistic.
Something to think about Maybe it is just me, but I find this too literal. You may want it to come across that way, but a few figurative descriptions/imagery here and there couldn't hurt . It will let the mind of the readers play.
Overall, I think you did quite well in writing this. You certainly pulled off the prompt which is a hard one. Write on!
God bless you,
Equilibrium
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"Invalid Item"
This is the first of still many reviews to come coming as a gift from haremprincess. I will first tackle poetry and hope my reviews will be helpful to you.
The system tells me I have already rated this in the past; I do not remember exactly what I told you before so I thought it best to r/r this again. Besides, it is always a pleasure to reread a good piece.
Positive Points: Great wordplay. I was immediately captivated by the first line; I must say it is also my favorite part in the whole piece. The imagery and description is fantastic. It was creative, but also easy to understand. It seemed like you told a story with an ending the readers can have the freedom to conclude themselves. Nice job. The use of WritingML is satisfying—you used just the right amount. You followed the prompt perfectly.
Positive Points: In the first line of the second verse, I think the word should be lightning and not lightening. According to dictionary.com, the latter means to give off flashes of lightning, meaning the word flashes is repeated. In the first line of the last verse, I suggest for you to replace the heyphen with an M-dash (ALT + 0151) which is used for parenthetical punctuation.
You did a really nice job with this one. I am looking forward to more reads, Kiya! Until then.
Keep writing and God bless,
Equilibrium
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"Invalid Item"
I liked this piece. The story was well-paced throughout the poem. It was also intriguing because of your choice of wordplay. It's interesting how you described the eyes differently in every verse, making it come alive and show the story rather than tell it.
The only suggestion I have is for you to better the flow. It doesn't flow as smoothly as it can; it is up to you how you want to do it, or if you even want to. After all, this is only my opinion; feel free to ignore my suggestion if you like.
My Favorite Part:
her eyes shuttered over
like windows in a tenantless
house, hauling me out
This is a nice tribute to your grandmother. The nice message and wonderful story is very sweet; I enjoyed that aspect of the piece.
This is an acrostic and I see no error in how you wrote it. Good job in that. However, I feel that this poem lacks a certain something; I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but it's kind of flat. Maybe it's in the way you constructed the lines; the flow wasn't that catching andI find myself detached from the piece. You have to involve the readers.
I have two technical suggestios: In the first line, the thought is confusing. Maybe a comma after grass will help. Third line: Aroma's should be Aromas
This is a good poem. I think it only needs a little tweaking and polishing. Write on!
This is a really cool story with a nice message behind it. Sometimes we fail to see or remember the help others gave us when we achieve success, but this is a reminder that we should nevre forget and always be greatful. Good job!
The only negative aspect I can see in this piece is how you constructed some of the sentences, especially in the beginning. Most of the sentences were too short; when I was reading, the flow was hindered because of the abrupt lines. I felt like you were telling, not showing. The suggestion I have for you as to how you can fix it is by combining two (or more, if needed) sentences to achieve better flow. This, of course, is only my opinion; please feel free to ignore this if you like.
Overall, this was an enjoyable read. At first I wasn't sure, but as I neared the end I appreciated it greatly. Thank you for sharing this!
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This is the sixth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "
It will be really interesting if you do a follow-up to this and detail what happened in the reunion. I will be really interested to read that. 
The ending was unexpected!
These are only my opinion. Feel free to take any or none of them. 
. As you already know, I like figurative poetry more than the literal ones. This falls under the latter, so this is not 'my cup of tea', so to speak.
Pretty much the same 
But since you got that reaction from me, it just proved that you wrote this well.