Don't taketalk like that, boss. It's not my fault. It was one of those goddamn deer...."
wow!! this is really great and I wish that I could write flash fiction, I have a tendancy to drag out my stories, so Kudos to you!! You start and end a complete story in such a short time and to me that is incredible!! Keep up the great work!! I pointed out the only mistake I found!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Wow, sound really serious, sounds like you might have a problem or did. I think this poem tells alot about the person in it. I hope it isn't true, but if it is and the daddy isn't around then ditch him, you would be surprised at the compassion and help people will give, as well as support.
Keep up the great work.
Hugs and Kisses, Serenity
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The intro sounds pretty good and I didn't see any grammer or spelling mistakes, so A++, mind you that it isn't my strong suit...LOL Anyway I find this to be a bit teenagerish, and if that is the age group you are going for by all means keep up the great work!!
Hi and let me say welcome!! This is an interesting little poem, and I have to say that I liked it very much!!The only line I didn't really feel fit the flow is the last line, it does however; fit the entire piece so I think it is a catch 22.
Anyway keep up the great work.
Hugs and Kisses, Serenity
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Very informative, and I liked it because you didn't make the explanations to long and boring.
I also like that you used colors to highlight a new point.
Short to the point and tons of info!!
Wow! The cadence was almost like a methodical beat, and it flowed extremely well. There were a few spots that I found difficult on the first read, but on my re-read they smotthed out. Kudos to you!!
he pounded at the grey wedges he his behind. don't quite know what the end of this sentence should be??
The only other thing I can suggest is changing the age of the boy, most eight year olds know what a lighter is, and there were a few other references that would suit a child of four better. Other than that it almost made me cry...Jeez, sometimes being a mother has its ups and downs and I have a really hard time reading things like this without crying. Great job, it is touching and I love the ending;
This time he welcomed the lady’s open arms.
awww, aren't you just a sweetie..LOL j/k This is a great idea, and you definately need to keep up the great writing, will be reading more shortly ryc. Write on hun....
I thouoght it was pretty good, and I am not really a poetry buff so bare with me, the only thing I saw that for me would make more sense is if your last line read like this... For tomorrow, You'll drift back to me
Other than that it was really good. Keep up the great work.
Plot:
The plot starts off with a bang. Right away you decribe the situation and how it came about. GOOD JOB!
Scene:
Okay it seems pretty well laid out, I live in a mountainous desert so what you wrote seemed pretty believable.
Characters:
Rabble was not that well described until the very end of the chapter, I personally like this as it keeps me reading. Other than that he seems like hoodrat(excuse the term) That is the best way I can describe him.
Grammer:
I saw a few comma,,, mispacements but the spelling seemed good. At least nothing jumped out at me. so A+
Overall:
This is very promising, my only compliant is that the paragraphs don't seem to flow very well together. Almost like you had to think up each one as you went along, instead of letting the story just flow from your mind. (Does that make any sense?) Anyway just a thought.
Other than that, Great Work, I look forward to reading more.
Okay I am definately hooked, if you would revise with the conversation advise I gave you this would have been a 5. I can't wait until CH3. I think I'm a bit older than you are and even though you are writing a novel about highschoolers, it is not juvenile. I always hated that about books that take place in highschool. Anyway lets talk about your characters.
Mom: you described her just like I would, I love the profiling.
Dad: Again job well done.
Doctor: this left somethings to be said, I didn't get a feel for him, and so I didn't really get the feeling I was in the hospital. Trust me I've been there plenty.
Anyway this story is great and Like I said, can't waut for the nest chapter. Kudos to you.
Keep up the great work.
Hugs and Kisses, Serenity
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