Ok that is just creepy, that old woman, i swear she is behind this all!!
Anyway I was a bit idsappointed that we didn't get the story of the old woman!! Although it would have taken an element out of the story so you did it right!!
I wonder if you could add something about her int he end, possibly making a deal with another crystal freak!!
Thank youf or sharing this wonderful yet extremely creepy tale!! Remind me not to be making deals with little old ladies ok?
I loved the entire rebillion you have so intricately sewn into this tale, and it makes me smile with a rebellious glint in my eye as well, I was one of those girls that hated a dress code, got sent home on more than one occasion, when I was younger, although it was more becasue my shorts were too short!! thanks for the great share.
As for spelling and grammer it was perfect as far as I could see, and I also didn't find any run on sentences or anything else to that nature!!
Thanks for making em smile!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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In a way, it was worse than silence. With each drip, it would remind someone how lonely and helpless they were in their cell. It would keep them from drifting away into their mind in an effort to escape their horrible situation. At least with silence, someone could at least fall asleep, or drift into some forlorn corner of their mind. Anyone one else would have gone insane in here. Alone, with water dripping the only sound.this sentence is really akward Not knowing whether they would live or die, not knowing why they were being held captive, not even knowing whose mercy they were at.
But still I sat in silence, letting the water fall as liquid once more. I was patient. I could wait for an eternity. My mind isn't like those of normal humans. It is very laid back and relaxed. It didn't need something to constantly occupy its space. It could handle the silence and loneliness of this cell. In fact, I could ignore it completely. I could just drift into some corner of my mind if ishould be a capitol I wished, becoming oblivious to everything. This is how a Goddess’ mind is, even I'm not one yet. I am just an entity.
"I am someone very special." I said. "Someone who you should be begging for mercy, because my life lies within my hands."I would delete the last part of this sentence and end it with "Someone who you should beg for mercy."
He was trembling, unable to become more scared of me, even after this revelation. He couldn't even scream. "Articuna's daughter?" Impossible!" he said in a small voice. "She has no children. She is not your mother. It simply can't be." He was tryingto persuade himself otherwise, to not be scared of me, but it was failing miserably.
In his dulled statstate, I decided to end it right then and there. I set three ice cold fingers on his forehead and closed my eyes, focusing myself. I felt the cold flow from my fingers into his brain and skull. Colder. Colder. My other hand lie on his beating heart, until I could feel it beat no more.
Other than the few grammer mistakes, and my personal opinions, I think you did a great job!! You are right to be proud of your work!!! Thank you for sharing!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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should be a capitol letter"what weird drawings..." I wondered aloud, my voice echoing throughout the stone hall. Really, this dream seemed so strange, I hadn't watched any crazy movies or played any RPG's lately, so why did I dream about such things? Hesitantly, I reached out to touch the last scene, but before doing so, a voice interrupted from behind me.
Wow Pretty good, it has a Piers Anthony meets Laurell K Hamilton feel to it. You have done a great job, and I am adding you into my favorites so that I may come back and peruse this at my liesure!!!
Thanks for the read!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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This is absolutely brilliant, heartfelt, and full of emotion!!!
I had tears in my eyes, and thank god that I never had to go through something like that with my own two little rascals!!
But you know what they say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, wlthough I have a sneaky suspision that she gave you puppy dog eyes, and a little pout and that you gave in!!!
This story is so adorable, only a four year old could be so darling. Wish mine were that determoned, however is the season to be beggars...LOL nope my four year old wants everything he sees, although pokemon is high on his list, if you can't find the gift he wants buy him a pokemon toy.!!
I loved it, keep up the great work and thank you for sharing!!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Now onto my review, I think it has potential, I am a bit confused as to whether this is the first chapter or the second, however; it stands on its own!!
You have some good descriptions, and that ia great, however the spelling is pretty bad, there is a spell check on WDC for you to use, and I hope you do. I am not sure how old you are, but it will improve the rating immensly if you can fix the errors!!
Also I would suggest placing a space between each paragraph as it is hard on the eyes if you don't.
Other than that I find that it could turn into an interesting story and the basis for good writing is there. You have complete sentences and no grammer mistakes, so good job there, I would just try to get the spelling fixed and space the paragraphs!!
I will go onto the next chapter, thanks for sharing!!
hUgs,
Serenity
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I am truely impressed with the begining of the story and disappointed you story telling was over so quickly! I think that the plot you have mapped out for us is a little hinky; however you have a good talent for writing and so I shall continue to look in your port and see what I see!!
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs,
Serenity
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You see, I was wise enough to know that Iit was going to be real harthard to find the truth, so I need to start my Eliminating sources of “So called” truth; and what better source to eliminate than the Bible? It didn’t work out that way.
I went back to my parents’ house that I was raised in,this sentence is akward I would try something like Returning home to the house I grew up in and I had a trailer sitting along the driveway. I had money from my time in Alaska and ended up getting 13 different bibles, Greek to English interlinear’s concordances and sat down to study.
Now I think you have a descent story here, and it explains alot about you as a person, however you tell this story instead of showing it. The last suggestion I made is a good difference between the two, I am drawing the reader in by stating that I returned home...I think it a moot point to say your parents house, as most of readers with assume it is your parents house when you metioned you grew up there!!
Another small pointer is that every time you have a different character speaking it is a new sentence.
I think this could be a wonderful excerpt of your life, if you are willing to tighten it up a little bit!!
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Wow, I like the look of the peom, is it a special style, I am not much of a poetry buff, anyway I have to say that all three verses held good and bad things for me, I liked the last verse the most, well all except the barbie line...hmmmm, not really sure why, but I love the way you described the scene.....I think my favorite lines were... Silent
pussywillows
Stretched upon the wet grass,
Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Wow Dave, I really like this poem, I actually like the cold weather however complain loudly!! hahahahaha
I found no grammer or spelling mistakes so great job!
The flow is really nice, however it feels like it skipped a beat in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th versus, but then I am an amatuer when it comes to poetry so I just go with how it makes me feel, and this makes me feel happy that the cold doesn't bother me, now sweltering heat?? That is my issue!!
Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Wow we really get a sense of Tohya(sp) in this chapter, I love the way you describe her, and Nathan seems to be quite the happy go getter!!! Is it this new found love of a new found life, or does he really know that Tohya is who he thinks she is??
Oh well, I willr eview the next chapter soon, Keep upt eh grat work!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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“Twenter!” the voice hit him like a ton of bricks the moment he emerged form the ship, “You no good son of scoundrel what are you doing here? How many deliversdeliveries you made now?”
“I’m not sure” Sirons said thoughtfully, “The problem is that I am not really qualified to do it. But, it is my belief that I cantcan.”
Okay Sigma, this is a great addition to your story, and I am really liking Twenter!!! He is just like I like them, or at any rate how I used to like them when I was a teenager!!!
My only complaint is that you skip point of views alot in this chapter!! I know why you do it, but none the less it takes a few to get used to who's point of view you are reading, after the first few times though you get the hang of it, it definately give the story a new angle!!!
Keep up the great work!!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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I have a few suggestions, first off I think you could make this into a book!! Each section is like an abreviated chapter, if you could expnad on each of them then you could turn this into a great novel or novella!!!
I agree with you that the woman's character is a little wanting, not that she isn't great, however you don't describe her at all, if she is day dreaming about Nate you would think she would have dreams or something!! Oh well I am just the reader you are the author!!
I did like the story very much though!!
Keep up the great work!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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Well it is written superbly however I think maybe I am not catching the whole story, is this peice one of a bigger whole??
Oh well, I didn't find any grammer or spelling mistakes, so great job there, and it is indeed written very well, I just feel as if I am missing something!!
Great job, and thanks for sharing!!
HUgs,
Serenity
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This seems full of a lot of raw emotion, and that is truely the first good deed for a great poem!!
Now the cadence seems off a little bit, seems like this poem could be tightened up a little, however if you are like me, when you write something meaniful to ourselves down that is that and so this is great anyway you chose to leave it!!
Thank you mush for sharing this!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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OK the story line is good, however I think things are a bit jumbled! The ending didn't make much sense to me, and what happened to Shirley??
I almost didn't read it, becasue you don't have paragraph spacing throughout the entire piece!
Now for the good, this story really is creepy, I wish you had gone into what the sisters went through, and maybe tack on what happens to Shirely, as it seems unfinished.
With a little tightening up this could easily rate much higher!!
Thank you for sharing!!
Hugs,
Serenity
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