I didn't find any spelling or grammer errors, my problem with this piece is that it is one long paragraph. Maybe you could break it up a bit to make it easier on the eyes!!
Other than that it was an inspired piece that speaks from the heart!!
Keep up the good work!!
Hugs, Serenity
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This was absolutely what I needed to read, it brings tears to my eyes. I find myself wondering if God loves us sometimes and know in my heart that he does, I find that when I reach this conclusion I feel more at peace! Thank you for sharing these wonderful women with us all, and Bless You for making me feel better!!
Hugs, Serenity
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This is also a pretty good poem, although I found the flow a tad uneven but then I don't know much about poetry!! Anyway I really liked the begining as it seemed to flow extremely well!!
Don't cha just hate obsession?? I do!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Again a good segment, I must say that you wrapped up the loose ends of your story, but somehow I was disappointed!! Who knows, I didn't find any grammer or spelling mistakes sp great job!!!
One of the things I liked about this story is that it starts off as undeniably juvinile, in style than becomes slightly more mature as high school flys by, and then the adult monologues are mature!! You never go back and reflect from Trinity's point of view again, so maybe that is why I am disappointed!!!
Who knows, you are the author, I am just the reader!!!
Overall this is a great novella and I really enjoyed reading everything in your port!!!
I hope you get your upgrade so that we may view more of your great writing!!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Okay this story is written a bit juvinile and yet the adult undertones are there and it really makes for an interesting read.
If you tell me that you went to school in Hoquiam, WA I will know we definately had the same childhood. In Hoquiam this is how we all acted, and it makes for an interesting childhood, yeah we played tag in the 6th grade, kissing tag!! Ha Ha, anyway one reason you won't get a lot of reviews on this is because it is extremely long. You have written it as a fast read and I must admit I can remember my first boyfriend doing some very similar things to me in the 5th and 6th grade!!
Great job and keep up the good work!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Wow Meg you seem like you are flying high and although; I didn't complete my book in a month, it took me 7 weeks, I thought I did it too fast!! Jeez four weeks, I can only hope to aspire to such greatness!!
Anyway great first chapter, however I don't really understand Appendix B, as there are no links in this chapter to go anywhere, and some of these things sound interesting!!!
I loved it, and I hate ungrateful people, I have written and sold my first book!!! Because of this site, I have made dear friends!!!! Because of writing.com I have improved my own editing skills as well as my writing skills!!!
Okay hun, I am interested!! Here are somesuggestions that will help people identify to the piece better!! No offense meant okay?? These are just my opinions and I hope they help!!
First off, that is one heck of a long chapter!! If you could break it up a little readers will be more willing to help make it the best it can be!!
As it is, it is hard on the eyes!!
Also I am on my way to read chapter 2, I noticed it is the exact length of this chapter, so I am thinking you might want to either lengthen your chapters or combine them!!
Other than that I like the opening sentences and it gives me(the reader)a sense of excitement and this chapter definately draws one in!!
Keep up the good work!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Hey hun, I really like this begining!! I have a few suggestions, but remeber they are just that!!
Cartoon images bleed mire from airbrushed eyes as a steady cleansing rain wash rivers of grime off brick graffitied walls.Okay this sentence is extremely long, you may want to break it up a bit!! Reflected lightning slashes across mirrored storefront windows along First Avenue illuminating a lone figurecomma splashingcomma head down through the rain coughing violently into the crutchI have always hated this expression;crutch, I always feel like she is using one. of her arm. Kalia kicks a crushed Coors can into the drain, itsit's splash is consumed by the raging runoff below the city.new para, 1 it will help break up your long paragraph and 2 it is acceptable to place one here as you start a different discription She closes her eyes against the rain's persistent force and continues her trudge home. The fine hairs on her arms spring to life from a sudden temperature change as warmth caresses her skin. Kalia opens her eyes and sees pulsing in the distance three red rings of light surrounded by an eerie yellow glow. Curiosity piqued she quickens her pace feet splashing in the rain soaked street. An uneasy sense of familiarity teases her mind and drives her into a full run, but the glowglowing stays tauntingly in the distance. Kalia turns down 3rdthird Avenue quickly doubles back to First Avenue, spins in circles, splashing muddy puddles in a frenzy but the eerie glow eludes her. Kalia slumps to the ground frustrated tears mixing with rain on her cheeks as she closes her eyes against the rain’s sting once again.
Great job, remeber if any of my suggestions don't hold true please ingnor them!!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Well I have to say that if this is tech. term than I have learned something about naval battles and subs in particular!!
I found no grammer os spelling mistakes, (not my strong suit mind you) so A+
Now I am not into this type of story so it was hard to keep my eyes glued to the page, on the upside I was glad I did because it is almost hair raising!!
I also need to point out that I want to read more because of the ending, this prologue wants me to read the first chapter, how does anyone escape?? You have left this open for something that could become a great novel!!!
I found this pretty interesting, but the forum in which you wrote it is a little distracting to me. So far we have a great picture of a girl, perhaps now a woman talking about the death of her parents!!
I really liked the flow of this piece and it seems like it just poured out as you were writing it!! I know that you wrote this long time ago and commend you for posting it your port!! I have done the same and it is not easy to give up a piece of your past for publis veiwing!!
Wow this is a real intense poem about looking inside yourself!! I wish that I could come face to face with the me that I don't want to see, and confront them as you have, And then express it so eloquently!!
Keep up the great work!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Okay that letter was insane!! In a good way, I am creeping with goosebumps and have unshed tears in my eyes. Jeez it sounds like something I would write to my deceased husband, I would never leave this world without a screaming, scratching fight but I would die everyday seeing his spitting image in my son.
This was a very amusing story, I felt that the ending was a little rushed but I don't know if it had a word limit, I was finding it difficult to not read and I didn't see any grammer or spelling mistakes so A++ on that note, I thought I had spotted an akward sentence but when I went and found it, it was my mistake because I had mis read it!!
Keep up the great work!!
Hugs, Serenity
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I saw a few spelling/grammer mistakes but other than that this was a pretty good read. I found myself wanting a little more detail and the end, I didn't really understand why Gareth could run and jump so well if he was just a thug. I am assuming that thug is like a bully for people like the mob? If not and a 'thug' is something supernatural maybe you could tell me about it. Overall it was well written and I enjoyed it.
Keep up the good work!!
I am not christian so this was easy poll for me to take, I believe in reincarnation so that is my vote, This poll answers some hard questions, so if it was for christians I can see the only response would be the that non-believer is going to hell!!
Hugs, Serenity
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Anyway I really liked the begining as it seemed to flow extremely well!!
