Well done. Long poems are difficult. You provided good details to carry the emotion and mood of the poem. Some lines were irregular, but it did not hurt the rhythm most of the time. Breaking it into verses might improve it. Sometimes that is like a paragraph with a single metaphor. But good job anyway. Write on.
This is intriguing because I don't know who the character is addressing. It could be a lover, or his own obsession, or even God. It is good with well- chosen words and phrases. This is the second of your poems I have read. Do you ever use longer lines? I'd like to see something you write that has more feet to the line to get more flow in the reading.
"vampires to help user them into the new" I think you meant usher.
"Marguerite thought through of this inside her mind." This sentence is awkward and possibly the victim of a typo.
There are places where several sentences begin with "she." The repetition becomes boring. Use a dependent clause or some other device for variety.
You probably pasted this from your word processor, and the formatting messed up. You need to indent paragraphs or separate them with blank lines. The process for indenting and other formatting tips is in the Author tools drop down list under Writing ML Help.
The quality of the story and the suspense is very good in this story. I hope I have not shredded it. I assume you are new to the site. You will figure out the tricks quickly. Good job. Write on.
This opening is well-paced suspense. I liked the descriptive passages about the "groaning of the house" and its "complaining." Your details are solid and believable.
Indent or insert blank lines to separate the paragraphs. Unbroken text is intimidating. I believe you are a new member of WDC. In the Authors tools drop down menu, look for Writing ML Help to learn how to do some of the trickier formatting stuff.
There are a few words and phrases that are overused and drain the power from your story. This is one:
"so black that I could not see my hand in front of my face." Replace it with something original.
"and tuned to face the stairs" should be turned.
"With as much silence I could" This is an awkward phrase. "As silently as I could" reads better.
"I let my eyes scan the room" This is a wasteful sentence. It is more economical to say, "I scanned the room again," You save three words by cutting out the excess. It is better to write tighter or leaner or cleaner. However you think about it, it means use less words. Make sure they are the right words.
This has emotional build-up and describes shy adoration. You used the wrong "to" in two places. To is a preposition and is used in a phrase like "I'm going to the movies."
"To afraid to tell you" is the line I am talking about. It should read like this: "Too afraid to tell you." Too means more than enough. The last part of the line is right--"to tell" is a verb form called an infinitive and you is the object of it. It's really not fair to have three words that sound the same and are spelled differently and mean different things. The English language is confusing!
Don't give up because I am picking your work to pieces. I'm not really mean. There may be other things to fix, but this is enough for one time. Write on.
Breathe is a verb and means to inhale and exhale.
Breath is a noun and means the air or act of breathing.
Release, not relese, means to let go.
Brake is what stops the car.
Break is a rest from activity.
Tension describes a level of tautness.
Spelling is not my best thing either. Use your dictionary. And write on.
This expresses deep pain and sadness with determination to overcome.
The question mark is misplaced. Replace it with a period.
"They wonder, they talk
as they pass during my walk." These lines could be edited to make them read better and keep the meter.
Try this:
They wonder and talk
as we pass on the walk.
There are several other places where the meter breaks and disrupts the flow.
This poem is meaningful and powerful. I hope you can continue to overcome problems in your life. Write on.
I found this moving with excellent use of symbols.
"Today she glides along side me" I think it should be "alongside." Otherwise, if is well drawn. Free verse is difficult to write, but you did well. Write on.
This haunting memory is moving even in retelling, even though the observer did not understand. Love and loss and memory and memorial are interwoven in our lives in such emotional ways that understanding is not always necessary. Ceremonies allow us to reenact our lives and to reconnect with them. Beautiful job. Write on.
Indent or space between paragraphs. Unbroken text is intimadating. Remove conjunctions from the beginning of sentences. They don't belong there. Practice writing tighter. Use adjectives and adverbs sparingly. Use strong nouns and verbs.
I appreciate your defense of the difficult times in life. Those are the places where we grow. They make the rest meaningful.
This piece reminds me a little of the grand passages of Stephen Vincent Benet with lofty phrases and vague references to past adventures. I identify with its message. Age is a leveller of human experience. We all remember when. Good job. Write on.
This story has potential. Space between paragraphs and anytime the speaker changes in conversation. It makes the reading much easier. There are a few words that are run together that Spell Check will find.
Notify me when you finish it and I will re-review it and change the rating.
Good word choices and solid lines evoke the emotions you describe. The poem is spoken to the loved one in absentia. When the voice is directed to God, it is a jarring awareness of another possibility. Of course, God was an observer in the beginning because of the fervent prayer, but God comes into focus as a resource.
I liked this story for the self appraisal and growth the character shows. The flow and pace are good.
My only criticism is for comma usage. Review the rules and look at the story again. There are a few places where wordiness is a problem. "Never use two where one will do" is the old rule. That may be a little severe, but it is good to remember. Evaluate every word. Is it necessary? Does it add to the value of the story? Your decision, your story. Write on.
Well written. The descriptions are graphic. I think I disagree with the premise that God chooses and appoints people to do evil, but that is a philosophical question not appropriate for a review. You give good background and leave the reader anticipating the next part of the story. Write on.
Painful resolution of loss--well done. I think I would have liked it better as a prose poem. The line breaks didn't do it justice. In the first two verses, the shift in tense was confusing--present or past? Good job. Write on.
Lovely. It describes without limiting the imagination. I don't know if the person is male or female: my choice, I guess. I like it. I think it needs a comma after "hewn from wood." Write on!
I am in the midst of this one too. You express it well, but we have to live it individually. Sometimes, it helps to hear someone else say it and to know someone else bears the burden.
I love this concept. Maybe we are connected by our "stones." I have one problem with it though. You used "mold" a couple of times. I think of mold as a different form. Using a mold instead of shaping by chipping and chiseling confuses the image. I am sorry if I am too literal. I still like it. I have felt the touch of the hammer, too. Write on.
This is well written, albeit, unfinished. Ari is beginning to take shape, and the village and times are easily suggested by the professions. I rarely read fantasy, so I am not an expert. In the section, I don't see anything that exceeds my experise. You have begun well.
Indent the paragraphs and/or use blank lines between them. It makes the reading much easier.
Good job. Write on.
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