Nice sentiment when you're leaving town. Is it ever true? Was she impressed?
Good flow. Makes sense. Not extremely original, but not extrremely maudlin, either. Good job. write on.
I checked out your port. Now I understand the title. I found this really deserves a more descriptive one, but if it fits your needs, so be it. The poem is sad and depressive. Sometimes I agree with its position, but other times I can see a different view. I do like the metaphor. Living things tend to grow old and die. But even in death, we replenish the earth.
I completely understand your abhorrence at being so addicted, but, lo, I'm there. Good essay. The metaphor is sharp and well-defined.
I would suggest that you break it into paragraphs. Large blocks of unbroken text are intimidating. This one is not quite so daunting as some longer pieces, but I'm easy to intimidate.
Excellent philosophy. Your grammar still needs some work. Review the rules and run Spell Check to find misspelled words. And keep on writing. You are forceful, and your energy come through your words. I admire your attitude and encourage you to grow and improve. Your work deserves to be read. Write on.
I loved it. I enjoyed the reality of everyday life this piece reveals. Men and women are different. You said it well. There was something very satisfying about the old way things were done when everyone knew what the rules were. Now, there aren't any rules anymore, or no one knows where they are kept. But this explains it even if it doesn't fix it. Good job. Write on.
This sad story of resignation and graceful acceptance is well-told. The word choices fit the fantasy or mysitcal tone. My only criticism relates to one or two mispelled words and the misuse of commas. Spell Check will find the words, and a review of the comma rules will help with the punctuation.
The story is too good to abandon it to minor errors. Write on.
Raw, powerful, painful, joyous emotions crowd the life and mind and soul. So much packed so tightly into lives makes memories that need to be written. It's hard to experience all this at once. Writing helps preserve it, and that is valuable for personal growth and understanding.
My criticism is related to form. Separate the paragraphs with a blank line or use indents. To indent put this at the beginning of a sentence { indent } but leave out the spaces. If I do it right, it will only make a paragraph.
Also check the comma rules. I think you have a few that are misplaced.
This is well-told, tightly written, and gripping. The outcome is implied, but the result is vague. Is the invasion of her box lethal? Does she join the league of the invader? Maybe it's better to leave it unsaid, but I long for closure. It certainly heightens the terror to leave it. Good job. Write on.
Tragic helplessness. Excellent description of the event at hand. I don't know what caused it. Did she die? Or reject him? Maybe it none of my business. He is the focus of the story. Write on.
The chess metaphor is gripping. The story is not new, but told in this form, it is unique. My criticism has to do with form. Try lengthening the lines to eight or ten syllables. Shakespeare and Robert Frost are good models. You asked for unbiased feedback. I'm not sure that's what I offer. My bias leans toward a fuller thought in the line. Good job. Write on.
Contradiction, complication, paradox. Beautiful phrases depict internal turmoil. I read it three times. I think I would find other meanings if I read it again. Free verse is challenging to read. I may place emphasis where it wasn't intended, but perhaps that's good too. Good job. Write on.
This is a beautiful tribute to those who have weathered the storms and claimed victory. The young may have sought knowledge, but wisdom comes only with age. Thanks for stating it with clarity and respect for a generation that deserves it.
And your grammar was good, your sentences coherent, and your facts relavant. Good job. Write on.
This is excellent. Sometimes the rules can be broken, but you need to know the rule to see if it works. Does it make sense? Is the reader following the story? Does it say what you wanted it to? Make sure you can answer those questions. Good job. Write on.
It is interesting that science still affirms the reality of God. Most of the scientists don't realize it. I'd be interested in you opinion of "Kitten's Teddy" . Maybe it doesn't relate to your work, but it struct a famaliar note with me.
This is a valuable attitude to carry with you. At the end of the day, it pays to have chosen to be with people who share more than your bed. The philosophy and forward-looking aspect of this piece is excellent.
However, there is always a "however," you need to read it with an editor's eye. Some of the verbs should be past tense, and a couple of words are run together. Typos are the pits. Clean it up and stand your ground on what you expect to do with your life. It is the only one you get.
This poem is a reminder of the damage our existence does to the world. We need to look at the result. This is one way to reveal it.
The flow in your lines is good and the images are sharp in the poem. The question at the end is a shock. I think we want the rain to wash it all away, and we are surprised when it does not.
I also read "Hatred," and now I my comments probably apply to both poems. You have done well with the word choices and visual images. Some of the rhymes are stretched, but still good. My criticism relates to meter. Short lines tend to halt the flow and interrupt the thought. Have you tried an 4 or 5 foot line. Read Robert Frost or Shakespeare to practice the longer lines.
I like that opinion. Your grammar isn't bad, and you didn't write one long unbroken paragraph. Best of all, you had something worthy to write. You have a good attitude. Go, go, go!
Welcome back to the human race. Run Spell Check. Read it critically. You won't need anyone to point out errors. Make paragraph breaks. Large blocks of unbroken text are intimidating. This one isn't all that long, but it is a good rule.
What are you passionate about? What do you read? What do you dream about? I am waiting to see if my prediction is right. You will improve dramatically and see growth in your writing when you settle down to it.
Write on.
P. S. Include a Bio Block. Let us get to know you.
Prayer is such a personal exercise I feel like I am invading your personal space to read this poem. It expresses angst and yieldedness and, yet, leaves space for deeper experience. Good job. Write on.
This may be a true description of how you feel about the world at large, but it is pretty bad writing. I doubt that it could be just to the members of Writing.com since it is the first thing you have posted. You do exhibit stamina and determination. The poor grammar and vulgarity don't help. The angry and hostile writers of this world often do very well. Keep at it. Write on!
"just as disappointment lays at" lays should be lies.
Now that we have the bug out of the way, lets talk about the attitude and theme of the essay. I liked it very much. I think I am similar to you in attitude and mood. I always see the potential for a negative outcome. I know a little about depression. This is often referred to as a depressive personality since it predisposes us to depression. One of the theories about the origin of depression centers on a person's belief system. When we focus on the likelihood of bad things happening, those are the ones we remember. We may completely dismiss the good, positive and joyous things because we expected the bad ones.
You have taken a positive step toward changing your life. I applaud your insight and courage. It is tough to change.
Write on.
P.S. Writing is a good way to explore your feelings and experiment with other outcomes.
This is powerful and moving. But---it has some problems. Read the comma rules. If you can't justify a comma by the rules, don't use it.
And watch wordiness. Extra words gum up the works. Human minds are in enough trouble without unnecessary words to confuse things.
"This was someone who he could “talk” to." Revised like this helps a little: This was someone he could “talk” to. But it would be better to say: He could talk to her.
"And what they shared together in those intimate moments, more than likely could never be felt between two other people, ever." This is one example of the comma mess. Revise it like this: And what they shared together in those intimate moments, more than likely, could never be felt between two other people, ever. "More than likely" is the phrase that should be separated by commas. It is not necessary to the sentence, but never use one of the commas. You have to use both. The test is, if you leave that out, does the sentence still make sense. Yes.
There are other places where this could be improved, but I leave that to you. Maybe you won't agree with me. You don't have to edit it. But I think you are talented. Don't let sloppy mechanics mar an excellent story.
The ending could be changed, too. But I say that because happy endings are satisfying for readers. They may not be realistic to life.
Dreams are weird and should be. The story carries that lack of reality and connection.
You repeat a phrase several times that is distracting--knew not. The awkward sentence construction forces a kind of unreal aura. The dream is strange enough without the device. Edit those places. and keep the focus on the dream with its mystery. Lose some of the exclamation points, too. Enough is enouch, already. Write on!
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