I love the idea! Also, I adore the song, so I might be a little biased.
You've done a great job of expressing the feelings of love and regret in your nicely flowing lyrical story.
It's a wonderfully romantic account. Thanks for sharing!
Best lines:
"I remember your eyes in the sun,
So many blues and greens,"
"And the colors of summer still remind me of you
The grand sunset golds, the soft ocean blues"
(I love the beautiful visuals that you've provided.)
"And on some hazy day,
I’ll find you again
When you’re lost and confused"
('hazy' day is very aptly juxtaposed with 'lost and confused'.)
This is a very apt description of the thought process of an average person. I'm sure all of us have been through those days when nothing makes sense anymore, and we just need someone to blame for everything wrong in our lives... more often than not, we end up blaming ourselves.
I like the way you've juxtaposed gratitude to Him and discontent with life.
Best Lines:
"Then at the dawn of another day.
It hits you and you're shattered again."
Error:
"When it feels that sorrows not here for staying." - you've missed an apostrophe in sorrow's
This is a very nice and inspiring reflection on life. With this attitude, it's difficult not to be happy, even after going through hell.
I like the maturity of the message you've conveyed so beautifully. It's difficult to hope, but always worth it!
I'm kinda overwhelmed by this outburst. I know that these are questions we all have at some point of our lives, but they sound so justified when I see them compiled like this.
I just hope you find peace with these questions, and accept them as part of your learning process, because looking at them any other way does not really help anyone.
This is a beautiful poem. I was really touched by the account, presented in such powerful and deep lines.
I can hardly imagine what the father had to go through, but I can still connect with him through the grief I felt on reading this.
Best Lines:
"Had I foretold life’s brevity,
Could I have changed His mind?"
"Only to find her dreams a lie.
Her wings were torn in flight."
"God knows, full well, the price I’d pay
To change what He has willed."
This is extremely hilarious. Especially the part about vacuum cleaners, and the fact that knocking happens at the most awkward of times.
I couldn't agree more. You have summarized the agony of most people (including me), who believe in the sanctity of sleep.
Salesmen and neighbors really have no business disrupting the one time during the day when we're really at peace.
This is a wonderful account. I couldn't agree more.
The incidents you've described sound really familiar, and I can almost recall myself in similar situations. Golden moments.
The paradox is that during my school life, all I wanted to do was to go to college and be treated like a grown up. What I didn't realize was that college life is nothing like it's shown in movies. It's a nightmare comprising roommate issues and extremely hard studies, with no spoon-feeding professors. Once everyone starts treating you like a grown up, you have to act responsible, and any small mistake is absolutely unpardonable.
And now all I can think of is how wrong I was to ever be dissatisfied with my childhood. School days were undoubtedly the best!
I too am nostalgic, and proudly so!
Best lines:
"It was a wholesome experience void of nothing and brimming with the simple pleasures of life."
"There were many firsts and all of them were unique in their own way. "
This is a beautiful piece of writing, and extremely vivid. The picture you painted made me feel as if I was the one lying there on the sand, with all the happiness of love. I even felt a bit lethargic as I imagined the beach and the sun, and no cares in the world. Definitely someplace I'd want to be. I too have had 'that feeling' whenever I'm close to nature. Great effort!
Best phrases:
"felt it fill her up and retreat gently, like a lover leaving in the morning."
"its sweet, almost lyrical sound a symphony playing in the wind."
"feel his happiness close the physical distance between them"
"a joy so intense that it burst from her lips in a laugh."
Errors:
"it’s sweet, almost lyrical sound" - there should be no apostrophe in its.
Impressive! I like your attempt to compare the bare, empty room with a lonely person. Sunlight makes its way into the room and spreads warmth, in an attempt to cure its gloomy darkness.
Best lines:
"In a shallow, empty room the sunlight burst forth for no man and offers its very life to only the stillness of dreams that rise up to meet it from within the vastness of time"
"Abounding in comfort, the silence finds the peace in the company of the sun's generous giving."
These lines are really beautiful. I think this is perhaps the most beautiful way I've seen sunlight and loneliness expressed.
Funny! and so true! Especially the part about lovers in a park.
It's so irritating when people choose to text at even the most intense moments.. when physical presence might have been appreciated.
They don't realise that it's not always amusing speaking in abbreviated language to a dumb machine!
This is a wonderful description of love. Many have tried to describe it via poetry and songs, relating emotions to beautiful wonders of nature.
I like your attempt to fuse it with nature's elements.
Best Phrases:
"smoothing the edges into shining stones,"
"Love is an awakening, uncovering deep unknown and hidden passages. "
This is quite heartrending account of a person alone in life. It's true that we humans are social animals, and were made to be with people. That's the reason why it's so hard to be alone - it's an unnatural state of life!
But feeling depressed about it is not the solution. Reflecting upon the inherent problem can help, but even that shouldn't be taken to extremes, as it will only mess with your head. Take it easy, and wait for what life has in store. Sometimes, that's the best road to take.
The feelings expressed in this account are perfectly natural, and are encountered by almost everyone in their lifespan. The difference is in how people handle loneliness.
Best Lines:
"Oh it's easier this way or should I say more convenient to be alone." - a very apt thought. All we want from life sometimes is convenience, because change is quite exhausting.
"I try not to show the emptiness and aches in my life to most folks, they wouldn't care to understand nor do they need to."
Very impressive! Full of nostalgia, and many other emotions.
I love the part where his life is compared to the fate of the garden. The further away from it he moved, the more lost the garden became. The closer to nature he was in his youth, the more time he was able to spent there, and be lost in the garden's embrace, away from all reality.
I must say that you've painted quite a vivid picture in these beautiful lines, and I was able to imagine and be lost in a garden manifest in my own thoughts for a while.
Best lines:
"My soul could see past weed and thorn,
Once beauty thrived yet now forlorn."
"I feel the years have done the same,
To me, my life with none to blame."
"To see a dear friend with no need of pardon,
The old oak tree and the secret garden."
Hi! I'd like to join The WDC Angel Army. I've been on Writing.com for almost a month, and have enjoyed every moment I've spent here.
I have read and reviewed some very nice pieces of writing. Many suggestions and comments from other reviewers have helped me too.
The title is very appropriate, the 'black' lending adequate amount of terror with its hidden meaning.
I like the reflections in the end. They naturally follow naturally, capturing the spirit of the story.
Best Lines:
"The whine of the engine was now deafening and sounded like a lost, tortured soul screaming its hate and pain into the night." - love the metaphor!
" Life is like riding a Kayak down a wild river you never know where the ever-changing currents are going to drag you towards a completely new direction. " - very nicely put.
"I am starting to realize that most people go through life focusing on the wrong things." - how true!
Errors:
"The driver knows that since he has an empty trailer the slippery roads are even more dangerous to him." - This sudden switch to present tense appeared a bit out of place.
"I held onto the steering wheel while putting steady pressure on the brakes praying that I could keep the rig under control." - Again, some problem with the tense.
It's a great effort overall. An experience of one night was enough for the driver to perceive life in a new light.
Thanks for sharing, Write On!
Very impressive! Given the strict form of the poem, and so many rules, you've done a great job.
This kind of a poem is a novel idea for me..never seen one before.
The shape looks beautiful!
I loved the story. It's simple, based on everyday stuff and reminiscences, but it conveys the emotions of love and care in almost every incident.
The best part was the flashback about the birth of the twins. Quite an eventful day for Dale for sure!
The discovery of the box is symbolic of the love between the sisters. It reminds them of brighter, carefree childhood days, and gives them a second chance at love and happiness after the misfortunes they've faced. The tiara is to be passed on to Bertha's daughter, and with this good omen on their side, I'm sure they must have felt sure of winning the custody case.
Errors:
'astoundness' - this is not a word.
"Menon never really liked Joey." - According to me, a 'had' before never sounds better grammatically.
Note: This review is being given on behalf of Dream Team.
You may choose to ignore my opinions and suggestions that you don't agree with, as they're my views entirely.
Every line is so deep and meaningful.. This is really impressive work. I like the idea..it's something I've felt all along, and find hard to express. You've done a superb job of conveying the meaning of it all.
Best phrases:
" torrents of grey despair,"
- Very powerful use of words..I couldn't have thought of a better way of expressing the loss of hope.
"blink emptily"
"steely blue nothingness"
- That's a very profound description of emptiness. Your choice of vocabulary and phrases is remarkable.
I like your style and of course the idea is nice too.
such a common occurrence has been turned into something special - a memory of a stranger .
We all have such experiences where we take back something with us - a face, a scene or even a color; later we realize that we have that something etched in our minds forever. The most interesting part is why a certain object sticks in the memory like that. It's still a mystery to me.
The theme of separation and wanting to get back together has been very well expressed. It's small things like shared walks from the past and trivial moments that hurt the most and fill one with regrets.
The symbolism from nature has been very well used. 'Dampness from dew', 'melancholy stars', 'wet grass' - all these phrases succeed in portraying the grief felt.
Best Lines:
"Without you, it's only a midnight tease."
"The distance threatens to pierce all promises"
"Strolling under a sky salted with tearful surmises"
Errors: Consider 'stoop' instead of 'steep' in the first line of stanza 3.
Thanks for sharing. Write On!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/horizon/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 12:33pm on May 06, 2024 via server web1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
