Cool story! It held my attention from beginning to end. I like the sense of groping around in the dark and your descriptions of what the character feels around him. Yet, I'd like to know how he knows the labyrinth so well.
Good luck in the contest, and keep right on writing!
Adorable story, Bill! I like the way you made it spooky, but not too spooky. Just enough to chill the child and give a shiver, but not enough to frighten a little one into a sleepless night.
Keep up the great work and keep right on writing! It makes people who don't write wonder what you are up to
Gosh! How often I have been in the same situation...trying to will my fingers to dance across the keyboard only to find my eyes roving to the window where something more interesting, like a bug taking a rest, was happening! I can relate totally.
Heck, I'm with you! It's the coolest place in town after all since it is air conditioned!
While I like this poem as it is, I think the words would pop off the page more and come alive if you were to show us the child's reaction to the books she reads. What adventure did this book take her on? How does she feel when her parents don't understand her excitement? How does imagination travel compare to the real life places she has access to? Make me feel as the child feels.
Keep right on writing and reminding us that even things that seem mundane can be exciting!
I like the idea of the child hunting through the dinosaur bones to find the ones he wants to build his own, thoroughly unique dinosaur at home. The thing I'd like to see more of is the child's excitement as each bone is found, carefully chosen and carried away. I'd also like to catch a glimpse of the creature he constructs and the reaction of the neighbors to his handiwork.
Keep right on writing and creating fun scenes for us to ponder!
This is a beautifully written parody of Green Eggs and Ham, and it is also a lesson in tolerance, as well. I like the names you chose for your characters...very Seussian, indeed!!
Keep right on writing and sharing your writing prowess with us!
This is a beautiful tribute to the world trade center victims. The triolet's line repetition works really well in this piece. It flows seamlessly from one thought to the next and interweaves a belief that we will never forget what happened on that fateful day in 2001.
Keep right on writing and reminding us of the souls that were lost that bright and sunny day.
This is a wonderfully funny limerick about llamas in pajamas! Very cute, and you stuck to the syllable count for each line pretty well. The extra syllables you have in two of your lines aren't even noticeable until you count them since they work to keep the rhythm of the piece going.
Keep right on writing and making us see the world in new ways!
Some of the images in this poem I could relate to right away--like the bubbly black pavement and the fine falling mist, but I couldn't imagine why the pools of water were yellow and red streaked. And that wondering took me out of the poem and break with its flow. Also, I wondered where the image of tires kissing blood pools came from. Why was the water red? Then, when you ended with "so nice," I had to wonder what was nice about puddles that appear bloody.
Keep right on writing and making us think about different ways of viewing the world around us!
This is a cute little Halloween poem for children. I read it to my six year old, and she loved it! She liked the idea of playing hide and seek with a ghostie She also liked the bouncy rhythm of the poem.
I am truly impressed with your ability to draw me into this piece and actually get me to feel that I am sweating the situation out with the dreamer in your story. I could feel my knuckles turning white on the steering wheel as well as the inability to move my foot off the gas pedal. Wonderful use of sensory imagery!!
Keep right on writing and making us enter our lack-of-comfort zone in such a vivid way!!
What a beautiful cycle of images you have created here to take us through the seasons, always referring back to the beauty of the winter and its delicate snowflakes! Beautifully done!
Keep right on writing and making us see the world in a different sort of light!
What a terrible poem on a terrible topic! This must have been a lot of fun to write! I can see the flaming red mark and hear the heckling of the coworkers. I'll bet that boyfriend was dumped quickly!
Keep right on writing and trying your best to be bad!!
A totally yuck poem on a totally yuck topic!! What fun poking fun at the tourists, who are more numerous in Florida than oranges, in the name of bad poetry.
Keep right on writing and displaying your talent for getting a message across even with bad writing!!
This is a wonderful cause that you have hidden in your port! You are unselfishly showing others how to help our troops in the Middle East, and I think this needs to get publicized more. I certainly would never have found it if I wasn't doing this Convention Port Raid thing. Have you thought of putting it in the activities list? Or maybe sponsor it to be shown on the "war" reading page? The word needs to get out on this! Let people see it!
Keep right on writing and showing us how we can help others through your words!
This is a good introductory piece that tells me bits and pieces about your life. But, I'd like to know how it feels to be in your shoes. It seems that you care a great deal for your aunt and grandparents, but not once in the story do I get to feel as you do, or did. For example, how did you react to your grandfather's death when you were only 13? You say you had to grow up fast, but what does that mean? How did you do that? Show us what it feels like to be in your shoes.
If you take this piece and add the feelings and sensory details into it, it will become a wonderful piece that the reader can become one with rather than feeling as if he/she is watching from behind a glass partition.
Keep right on writing and sharing bits and pieces of yourself with your reader!
This is a very interesting poem. I like the images you present of the rock forming out of the impurities in the water and then being broken apart by water. Cool!
In the second stanza in line 2, I would delete the word "and" since it takes away from the impact of the raging flood you are describing.
Keep right on writing and describing the things you see.
Wow! This is certainly some story! I have worked on projects like this myself where the directions say, "Easy to do!" Yeah? For whom? An engineer? So, I can honestly empathize with the problems you went through with the making of this fountain.
Your writing is crisp and clear, and I could easily see everything happening as you described it. The one thing that I would like to have seen more of was your frustration with the pumice shards when you were working in the house. You said some got into your eyes and skin. Did you have to go to a doctor to have them removed? Describe what you did to get them out and how painful the procedure was.
Wonderful piece of writing! Keep right on writing!!
This poem is perfect as is! The candles on the cake may be an outward tribute to the light that is your daughter's life, but as a parent, I know exactly what you mean when you say that by comparison to her bright internal light of life, those candles are pathetic and small.
Wonderful writing!! Keep right on writing and letting us see things in a different way!
This is a really cute poem! I could see the little toddler laughing at the funny sound of the serious adult word. His innocence shines through beautifully.
I especially like the last stanza which depicts quite well the world as seen by a tiny child.
Could this possibly lead into a short story about the child and his discovery of a new word?
Keep right on writing and sharing your memories with us!
A very lovely poem about the freedom one can feel from riding a horse in the rain. But, it is also about your horse handling skills, too, since you were able to keep the horse from throwing you when the thunder boomed and lightning flashed. It must have been exhiliarating!! I get that same sort of feeling from ice skating...at least I used to when I was working on freestyle programs or skating interpretive.
Your words are well chosen to reveal what is going on and the underlying passion of the situation. Although I have ridden a horse only a couple of times in my life, I could feel myself in the saddle with you, sharing the experience.
Keep right on writing and letting your passion out in writing!!
Isn't that just the way!!! When you need something desperately, it isn't anywhere to be found, but when you find it, you can't remember what you needed it for in the first place! Sort of like the "There's a Hole in My Bucket" song from years ago
Although this is a very short piece, it gets its point across and made me smile at the irony of it all. So, it seems that it does what you set out to do
Keep right on writing and sharing your thoughts with us!
I can definitely feel the speaker's anguish in this poem, and I can honestly say that I have felt the same way a number of times in my life, so this poem struck a real chord with me.
Here is one little thing that I noticed during the reading of your piece:
I'll try to let go of the pain of tomorrow -- you are missing the future piece of the verb
By the way, as I read, I couldn't help but become curious about the situation in the poem. I assume this is a real situation. Why wasn't she going to say goodbye? Was there a fight between the girl and the speaker or is it just that she doesn't like long goodbyes and just left without seeing the speaker at all? That second option seems heartless, and yet, it seems that the relationship between these two was friendly and caring. Why couldn't the speaker just go over to see her one last time? I'd also like to know whether she ever did say goodbye -- maybe a sequel poem that answers this could be forthcoming?
Keep right on writing and sharing your emotions with us!
This is a very funny, bawdy sort of poem! I laughed all the way through it. It's great fun to poke fun at ourselves and our "little" inadequacies, isn't it??
This is a lovely piece of writing. I really like the characters you have created here as well as the situation in which they find themselves. Your use of weather to mirror the soul of one of the characters is reminiscent of the Renaissance writers' use of it.
I'd like to see two things with this story...a prequel showing what led Julieanne to this point in her life where she is so desperate for someone to take notice of her...and a sequel showing what happens to her and John after this point.
Keep right on writing and sharing your work with us!
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