I got a very strange "in limbo" sort of feeling from this poem...sort of like when I watched Maya Deren's surrealistic dream films back in college. I do believe you have entered the world of the surreal in this poem...a place that is neither real nor unreal; rather, it is a place of escape, and possibly of comfort.
I think I have been in that place myself in daydreams, and it always freaks me out when I recognize some part of that alternate reality in a real world place. It may not even be anything concrete. It might just be an impression of safety or something like it that triggers the memory of the "here" you spoke of in your poem.
Keep right on writing and evoking strong feelings and reactions in us through your writing!
I can feel the sadness here of the speaker watching youth slip away. There is a bitterness in the undercurrent of the words, too.
One thing you might try with this poem is to show more of how this feels rather than to tell as you do here. For example, you tell us that your heart begins to rip. Okay, we can see that, but it is as if we are behind glass watching aloofly while it happens. Make us feel the ripping of the heart. What does it make the speaker feel? How painful is this action? Does the speaker writhe in pain and break out in a cold sweat?
By sharing feelings and sensory details, you draw the reader into your poem and make him/her part of the action. Leave this poem as is and on a separate sheet of paper, experiment with what I mentioned above. See if you can get a more showing poem out of the exercise.
Keep right on writing and sharing your work with us...you have wonderful ideas and can work on honing them into works of art with a little tweaking here and there
Wow, Jenna, what a powerful experience! I got cold chills as I read this piece and realized what a traumatic time that must have been for both you and your little sister. I was six years older than my little sister, too, and I tried to put myself into your shoes, but believe it or not, my mind wouldn't let me cross that barrier.
You are very clear and explicit about what happened, and I could feel the confusion, pain and whole series of emotions you must have gone through before going completely numb, knowing your mother didn't want you anymore. How horrifying!
After reading this piece, I will be keeping you and your little sis in my prayers. Keep right on writing and reaching out to our souls so that we might have more than an inkling about what it means to go through something as terrifying as the experience you wrote about! Thank you also for being brave enough to share your experience with us!
This poem is really good! I love the wonderful imagery you evoke with your words. You have a knack for word painting, and in poetry, that is a good thing
There were only two minor typos that I picked up, and both of them require the insertion of an apostrophe before the final s to show possession:
lifes = life's
earths = earth's
Other than this, this poem is haunting and chilling. Yet, the view isn't totally bleak because there seems to still be hope that things could someday return to the way they were if enough people see the same view of life as you see herein.
Very lovely piece! Keep right on writing and sharing your work with us here at writing.com
Bill, you did a wonderful job of telling, yet not telling, what the secrets of life and death really are. This man sounds like the typical death row prisoner, then we find out he had a profession once upon a time.
The religious discussion sounds realistic, and I could feel the man's emotions rising, falling and becoming tangled as he tried to sort it all out.
Here is the only very minor typo I could find in the piece:
This is a very playful little poem, and I really like the light, airiness of the piece. I could feel the little boy rising higher and having fun with the other kids in the sky.
There are a couple of things that I noticed as I read, and I present them to you now:
1. In stanza 5 at the end of line 2, change the ! to a ,
In stanza 5 at the end of line 3, change the ? to an !
2. In stanza 6 in line 3, change "on top" to "atop"
3. In the final stanza in line 3, you speak of blue spring skies...it is raining at that point and the black clouds have rolled in. You might want to leave out the color of the sky altogether here.
Overall, this is a wonderful piece. With a little tweaking, it can soar with the little boy in the sky!
Wow! I really like this story! I certainly didn't expect the twist that you put into the plot. Nicely done! I'd like to see a prequel to this story showing just how Franks is forced to do LaStrom's bidding and bury the bodies, so to speak. Then, this story comes along, and maybe a sequel to show that the LaStrom machine has gone on, but cracks are developing in the facade.
Yes, you give a very good description of the room in which the main character finds himself. He uses it for a temporary hideout, and it is during this time that we drop in on his plight. How he got to the room is unknown and can be something you might think about adding in if you choose to turn this piece into a short story about the main character and his flight from his pursuer. Its thick walls provide sound proofing and shelter.
You also show that the room is a food storage chamber, but is this room in a building all by itself, or is it part of some larger establishment? Why is it left unlocked? Is there even a lock on the rough hewn door? Does the thickness of the walls provide a coolness that protects the stored food from the obvious heat of the day?
As a setting description, this piece is very nicely done. Now, you may want to think about developing the characters and the problem that has erupted between them. We know that the main character has no idea why he is being pursued, but maybe bits of overheard conversations can help us out here to learn what is going on. You have definitely got me wanting the main character to escape the efforts of his pursuer, so I think this could easily be broadened out into a wonderful short story.
Keep right on writing and creating settings that are tangible to the reader!
This story has lots of potential, and the descriptions in it are vivid and distinct. I like the show of poverty due to the depression, but I'd like to know more about Samuel, the monkey and Isaac.
Right now, at times, the monkey seems to have been through the taxidermist's delicate preservation procedures, and at other times, he seems very much vibrant and alive.
Sometimes Samuel seems a young child, at other times, he seems to be an old man.
I'd like to see more clarification of the action, and I'd also like to see more dialogue, even if it is only between Samuel and his stuffed monkey. The dialogue can convey very easily how Samuel feels about various things in the story that seem to now be lacking.
At the moment, this is a terrific first draft. I would like to see you revise and refine this piece by focusing more on Samuel and his sensory reactions to things. Show, rather than tell, how he feels and what he feels about Isaac's not contacting him, about the monkey remaining in the window of the shop, about his father's lack of business.
Keep right on writing and revising for that is how great stories are born...or maybe hatched?
First of all, let me tell you that this story is enveloping! I actually felt like I was out there on the trip with the boy and his guide. Your use of sensory details is amazing since it totally enabled me to share the experience with the two adventurers.
Both characters were believable and realistic. And, the supernatural events blended seamlessly into the story.
Here are a couple of things that I noticed while reading:
nothing on but a hard-hat and miner's lamp You need the apostrophe here to show possession.
time passed like the hurt of a wound What an awesome description!
This is a truly wonderful piece of writing. My heart quickened with the danger that the young boy had gotten himself into, and sadness filled me with the spelunker's discovery. You certainly have a way of playing the emotions of your reader like a fine harp.
This is a really wonderful story! And, it definitely fulfills the assignment parameters. your descriptions are very clear, and the characters are easy to picture in one's mind, too.
The one thing I would like you to work on is your use of dialogue. Each time a character starts to speak, start a new paragraph. And, each time you change speakers, change paragraphs as well. This makes it clearer to the reader who is speaking and when speakers change.
The other thing that confused me slightly and felt a bit rushed occurred when Euan gave Billy the bag to hold for him. First of all, did Euan believe that he was going to die? And, did he in fact succumb to his illness? Also, when Billy first opens the bag, is he in the room with Euan? Is he in the corridor? Or is he back in his own room? How does he get back to his room? Does he go on his own? Is the doctor or an orderly or someone waiting in the hall for him to return? Add in a little something to show Billy's location when he looks into that bag to clear this up. Maybe he is meandering down the hall and peeks inside. Is he truly disappointed when he sees the contents? If so, build up this disappointment for the reader.
I love the dream that helps Billy to realize what the riddle means. You make a nice connection there between Billy and his Dad.
Overall, this has potential for being a great piece of writing. Keep right on writing and creating wonderful slices of life for us to enjoy
Yes, I can almost see the flower yawning and stretching as the morning sun slowly takes the chill out of the air. Lovely image. You manage to say and imply so much with very few words here, and that is not the easiest thing in the world to do.
This is a really cool contest, Bill! I have been looking at your prompts for a long time, and this week's prompt about a teacher's final words of wisdom at the end of the year kinda got to me. I have to tell you that I didn't go with tradition and make the teacher a kind and benevolent being who tells her class to be safe and return in one piece in September. I gave her a much more evil and vicious side than that
The only thing I'm not sure of is if you want no non-dialogue writing at all, or if it is okay to have ninety percent dialogue and ten percent filler to set the scene or what. With clarification of this one little item, this contest will rate a whopping five stars! I wrote my piece as if it were part of a play script, with two little stage directions added in.
I like this poem a lot! The repeated stanza ebbs and flows just like the tide's waves gently lapping the shore. You point out the sea's beauties as well as its dangers, and you make us wonder at them all. Very nicely written!
This poem is even more playful than the other two, and I especially love the way you throw in a surprise bit of imagination at the end to capture the child's sense of the fantastic. Beautifully done! Again, the coloring of the poem works very well.
You might want to consider placing an image of a crayon the color of the poem centered at the top above each centered poem. The visuals might draw in even more children.
This is a really great poem, and I can see quite easily why it is one of your favorites! I never expected the ending, even though the title should have given me a bit more than a clue. Very nicely written, and I like you use of color at the end!
This folder of children's poetry is great! I love the poems you have chosen to put in this folder, and I also like the way you have introduced this folder to the reader. You contain the wonder of childhood well within this folder, and I would definitely like to come back in the future when you have added more pieces and read them, too.
Oh, ouch! I hope the speaker in your poem didn't use crazy glue!
What a cute poem! Of course the little girl is a little lady, too. With such a lovely outfit and make up job, how could she be anything else. The scene you set here is very vivid. I could easily see all of the action.
Hannah sounds like a perfect little charmer! In my mind's eye, I can see her little kid chubby hands passing round plates of plastic cookies and empty cups full of real imaginary milk.
Keep right on writing and making us see the wonder little children see in the world around them.
Chance is definitely a gorgeous cat! He looks so healthy and well-adjusted that one would never know he had a rocky start in life. Your poem is a lovely tribute to a very special cat, and I might add, to the very special cat owner who nursed him back to health.
A very ominous poem indeed! It is as if Mother Earth and God have joined forces to show us what we need to do in order not to be dropped into the fiery pits of eternal damnation.
I like the way you show natural disasters as wake up calls for all of us to heed. Hopefully, we will hear the warning go off and do something about it.
Keep right on writing and making us think about our future.
This is a really adorable little poem about the things we might dream about. It is gentle yet swift moving -- just like dreams, and like dreams, it evaporates into the ether the moment morning comes to bring back reality.
Very nice job here, but if this is for the April Minus-the-Vowel contest, the poem is not allowed to have any O's or U's in it. Your poem has both vowels in it.
Wow! You certainly did do a lot of work on this story! It is a wonderfully told tale, and the descriptions seem to pop right off the page visually. I am very impressed by what you have done with what started out as just a story starter.
Here are a few things that I noticed as I read your piece:
The going was tough, the ground made more arduous to walk through by the flooding rain. Shouldn't the comma be a semicolon since you are joining two sentences here?
Virgil heard all the doors click into the locked position as she pointed the car at the old dock and smashed the accelerator down. Who is Virgil?
They traveled for more than an hour until they reached the rock wall. If they couldn't tell how long they had been in this awful place, how can they tell they had been walking for about an hour? This seems too specific here.
What a vivid image you create here of someone who is in the throes of depression and is searching for a way to bring the tender shoots of hope back into his/her life! Great job! I really like the contrasts of lustness and stark, blandness that you infuse into this poem!
Keep right on writing!!
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