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Hello Sil .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Flash Fiction 1st entry ever"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

I've scanned through all the flash fictions in your port and the was the last one I read. I read them in the order in which they caught my attention. I already know this is Flash Fiction by the folder title, perhaps you could think of a good name which will really hook your readers in?

How do I feel about the characters?

The characters work well. The tone in which they come across feels child-like. I'd maybe pitch them around 8/9 years old (given that the girls are still playing weddings), and I love the boys natural instinct to tease the girls off their court!

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

It works really well. You have the scene nicely set, a conflict, a resolution and a conclusion. All the component for a story in less 300 words. Well done. The shortest I've managed is 500.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

When the narrator realises his friend is holding a rattlesnake we see him freeze and start to retreat. The only thing I felt I missed out on was the panic of scattered thoughts as he worked out his plan of action. It all felt just a little too easy and calm for such a young boy.

Thoughts on the ending:

What is 'Batter Up'? I get the feeling it's a perfect ending, but I don't know what it means. It's the 'Brit' in me I'm afraid.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

Very difficult to get this into a piece of flash fiction, but not impossible. The crown of dandelions gave me a nice visual reference for the girls, but that's about it. Perhaps that is something to build on in future stories?

Outstanding questions or issues:

Watch out for repetition, especially in such a short piece. In this line, the word snake is repeated 3 times in very quick succession:
"Sure enough he had a snake. My dad’s a herpetologist, so snakes don’t scare me. It was probably a king snake."
You could try something like this:
"Sure enough, he had a snake, which didn't bother me as my Dad's a herpetologist...

Just a thought, but if you added 'harmless' before 'King Snake', it might help emphasise the difference when he realises that it is a rattlesnake. Similarly, you could tip the reader off that he recognised the rattlesnake by its distinct markings. When you later refer to the diamond back, (for those who know nothing of snakes)it will tie back to his earlier observation.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

I think a comma is needed around these dialogue tags:
""That is going to leave a funny green ring," I snickered."
“I bet I can get them stupid girls out of the infield,” Josh said.

Overall thoughts:

A good piece of flash fiction based on a great idea. I love the big 'reveal', and I had no idea he was going to pull out a snake. It's always great if you can surprise your reader.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Asiah .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Puss-Puss"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Lol! Well, it made me smile, and I was certainly curious enough to want to read it. Good choice.

How do I feel about the characters?

Both characters bring something special to this tale. The narrator gives me the opportunity to experience the lovely surroundings of that Autumn morning walk, and Puss Puss brings heart and warmth to the tale. As I read this it was very easy to warm to both characters equally.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This is a short and simple story about how a cat came into one owners life, and for me, the pace works fine. I particularly enjoyed the simplicity of the tale.

Though I quite like the tone of the introductory paragraph, I wonder whether, in a story so very short, it might make for a smoother read if the time-line was linear. So, instead of:

How we are now -> How we met -> How we are now

You could make it:

How we met -> How we are now

The flow could also be smoothed out a little by shortening a few of the longer sentences too and perhaps breaking that middle paragraph into two smaller paragraphs.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

In a short story, or any story, there is normally some sort of conflict or dilemma that requires a resolution. There isn't really any conflict in here, which could for some readers make this a less interesting read. For others, it won't matter a hoot! So, the comment is purely food for thought.

Thoughts on the ending:

I love the image of the contented cat and owner. I also enjoyed reading your opinion on naming conventions for animals. You made me smile with your very clear cut ideas of what is and isn't suitable.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

I this line, "like a living breathing pillow", it gives me a visual reference and an emotional one too. Really nice touch, it made me smile!

"They had all been replaced with Martin, Andrew and would you believe Steve?" And here, you made me chuckle. Good going for such a short story!

Outstanding questions or issues:

Is there a reason why you made the point about being relaxed when the cat crossed your path? I re-read this bit twice to see if it was meant to be important, but I couldn't quite get the connection. Sorry if I'm missing something obvious.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

I'm not sure this is a sentence which quite makes sense, it sounds like more of an opening to a sentence, what do you think:
"Walking for exercise and peace of mind before the day fully realized itself"

Watch out for tense changes. In this story there are several changes of tense which just confused me and halted the flow a little. For example:

"The brindle cat sleeps at the end of the bed." Present Tense
"I was walking around Lake Monger" Past Tense
"The slight chill in the air at Easter is always my favourite time of year" Present Tense
"I was strolling on the path taking my time" Past Tense

There were also a few long sentences during which I lost my train of thought, for example:
"Her paws tucked under her furry whiskered cheek and her tail neatly encircling her whole body like half a frame making her form look like a small neat compact device..."
You could break this into two, for example:
"She is curled into herself with her paws tucked under her furry whiskered cheek. Her tail frames her whole body making her look like a small, neat compact device..."

Another sentence, which is just a little complicated to follow, is this one:
"To see them would always fill me with a light anxiety when one of the group would be lagging behind and the mother seemingly ignorant to the fact, but be grateful when the little one would realise and scamper off to catch up with the family."
You could try to simplify the message as follows:
"To see them made me feel anxious. It seemed inevitable that one little straggler would struggle to keep up with the main group, and the mother always seemed ignorant of the fact. I couldn't relax until the little one caught up and scampered off with the rest of the family."

I think you may need a comma after 'out':
"One day I heard a lady on my street calling out, “Steve, Steve, come here now!...”

Overall thoughts:

I enjoyed reading this short story, and what particularly stood out for me was the way in which you incorporated a sense of personality and humour into so few words. At the end of this tale, I felt content that both owner and cat were happy and deserving of each other. Thank you very much for sharing.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Ida_Matilda_Wright Help .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Hungry Monsters Need Love Too"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

The very reason I read this is because of the wonderful title choice. It totally hooked me in! I had to know what those monsters were and why the were hungry for love. I was completely wrong about where the story ended up, and I was glad to be surprised.

How do I feel about the characters?

Ah, I could picture those two little children, alone and terrified in their tents as they wondered what had happened in the tent next door. I remember having a wildly over active imagination, and their fears and worries are very, very believable.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

Short and sweet, it didn't need anything more.

Thoughts on the ending:

It made me smile. My only suggestion is to be less explicit about what the noises 'really' were. I think most adults would work it out, and to spell it out almost detracts from the naive and gentle tone achieved in the writing.

Rather than this:
"As adults we both know that the sounds of that night was the sounds of our parents showing their love for each other in an adult way, but Mom could never uderstand why she had to get us a sitter when they planned camping."

I'd be tempted to go with something a little lighter: "As we grew into adults our understanding of those 'moans' took on a whole new meaning, and whenever we reminisced about camping trips, that was one memory on which we chose to politely refrain from comment"

I also didn't quite get the meaning of that last sentence about the sitter. Sorry if I've missed something obvious!

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

A few spelling /typo spots, I'm English, so if I've got some American variations please ignore:

I think 'forrest' - might be 'forest'
Is 'breaze' supposed to be 'breeze'?
I think 'franticaly' - might be 'frantically'
"Mom had gotten quite," - Do you mean 'quiet'?
"krickets" - Over here, we spell it 'crickets', but ignore that if you spell it differently.
"certian of our fears" - I think it should be 'certain'
"Mom could never uderstand why she had to get us a sitter" - I think it should be 'understand'

This sentence doesn't quite make sense:
"She was moaning, Their tent was touching the side of ours, moved franticaly creating waves up the side of the canvas."
Perhaps try something like this:
"She was moaning, and our tent, which touched theirs, began moving frantically. The canvas moved in waves up and down, up and down."

Overall thoughts:

I love stories like these, small snapshot memories about childhood impressions of the world. Thank you for sharing this very sweet tale.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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How did I come across your piece?

I was invited. How lucky am I?

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

The title seems to mirror the prompt you chose, but I'm not sure it's as attention grabbing or quirky as it could be. If it were on a shelf, would I pick it up to read it? Probably not. I struggle with titles, so I would never suggestion my offerings are any better, but they may spark some alternatives for you:

Perfect. Honestly!
Honestly perfect.
Striving for Perfection.
Practically Perfect.
The Image of Perfection.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

I love this little girl SO much. I can so relate to that 'eager to please' side to her personality. As a theme/topic, the story of a little girl crying out to be noticed, praised and recognised is perfect for a story. Even as adults we can recognise that desire for praise and recognition. The unnamed little girl (Pat) talks us through her window of opportunity to delight her parents, and then shares the decision (the lie) she felt compelled to make. I think the situation she is in is great. It is real and it is timeless. It is also simple, easy to relate to and a good one for appealing to parents and the inner-child in all of us. What I'd like 'more of' is the opportunity to really 'walk in her shoes'.

What impact do the secondary characters have?

It is very easy to put the parents in the role of 'bad guys', because we are seeing things from the perspective of this little girl. The little girl's thoughts about them are restricted to how difficult it is to get positive attention and how bad things might be if she gets it wrong. Comments like "That wouldn’t be a pretty sight either" do a great job of conveying a sense of dread and agitation.

As the reader, it is easy to see the connection between the lack of praise given by the parents and the girls sense of being cornered and forced into a lie. If praise and recognition is so hard to come by then it is all the more eagerly sought. The resulting lie, and the feeling of torturous guilt (so obviously at odds with this lovely little character) are more preferable that a bad word from her parents. How could I not feel disgruntled that they had put her in such a position?

So, in summary, for parents that have only small windows of visibility, the subtlety with which they are mentioned is superb, because it gives the reader a clear insight into the little girls motives.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

Perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

The idea that this poor little scrap was worrying about that box for so long is a heart melter, and it is a great way of letting the reader see the good, honest heart that really drives this character. I felt very satisfied that as the girl reached adulthood her relations with her parents improved. It would be very easy to look back in anger at all those little things that forced a lie, and to start placing blame. Again, it shows the kind and generous spirit that is able to recognise the struggles and limitations of her parents as they tried their best to raise 6 children. This resolution makes me, as the reader feel content. I like the clarification that the parents weren't the bad guys, they were just doing their best, and sometimes (like all of us) they got it a little wrong.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

Please remember, I am an unpublished writer of nothing successful. These observations are just my gut-feel as a reader. Please, please, feel free to ignore and/or disagree.

Okay...there are a few lines in here which, after a couple of reads, I wondered whether you could (if you wanted to) tackle a little differently. Particularly if you want to try and make more of an emotional connection with your read. For example:

In one place you address me directly: "you can imagine the pride I felt when..." On a positive, this creates an informal, chatty tone which can create that feeling that the narrator and I are sharing a cup of hot chocolate. The flip-side, for me (maybe not for everyone), is that it reminded me that I'm not involved in the story, but more a non-participating observer. For me, it kind of pushed me away from my growing connection with the little girl and her story. So, it's a style/preference thing.

On a slightly different note, but it relates to the same section of the story: It's not so much about me knowing you felt proud, it's about making me feel how proud you felt, so that later, I feel your panic and need to lie.

I wondered whether it might be worth considering a slightly different tack. Please bear in mind I've completely gone off at a tangent with your storyline, and used a bit of 'artistic license' (my tenses may be also be out-of-whack), but it's just to illustrate the point about feeling what that little girl is/or might be feeling):
"One bright, sunny Saturday morning Mama called me into the kitchen. She never called us into the kitchen, it was her territory. Harry's teasing that I was 'in trouble' only added to me sense of unease. I stood patiently and waited for her to finish her task, and when she spotted me her face turned serious. I tried to resist the urge to twizzle my hair around my finger, a nervous habit that irritated Mama no end. When she asked me to run an errand for her I almost skipped on the spot, but it was important she knew I was trustworthy and responsible. Grown-up girls didn't skip in the kitchen. I listened to her instructions while my cheeks burned hot with absolute delight. This was my opportunity. I was finally going to show Mama just how helpful, and just how perfect I could be..."



A couple of other areas where you could try something similar (not necessarily on the same scale) are as follows:

"To my dismay, I found two items, side by side, with very similar names," What does this dismay feel like?

"My ride home was miserable" - How was it miserable. What did this feel like for her?

"the thought of someone or something lugging that stupid box back into my life weighed heavily on me for several months" - What form did this take?



Areas where I think you did a smashing job of communicating her feelings are the following little nuances:

"I tingled with excitement" Communicates a sense of apprehension.

"I clutched the list in my hand" Communicates the importance of her task.

"Which one did Mama mean? I stood there, perplexed. I couldn’t buy both of them. What if there weren’t enough money, or what if my mother yelled at me for wasting money? Such a dilemma! My ten-year-old perfect little mind was in a state of panic" Gives a great impression of panic and indecision.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

This is an odd one, but something about this sentence doesn't quite sit right with me. I can't quite work out what it is.

"I decided at a very young age to be perfect so that my parents would notice and admire me for my wonderful qualities of honesty, respect, responsibility, good behavior, perfect grades, and so forth"

Normally I'd not mention it, but as I know this is for a competition I thought I'd take a stab at trying to explain why I kept stumbling on it.

I wonder whether my niggle is because so much of the story, and this little girls actions and reactions come off the back of these few words. They are kind of the foundation for the story. Yes, I think that's it! Therefore, I wondered if you could make it so that they had a stronger impact? For example:

"I decided at a very young age that I needed to be perfect. Perfection would ensure that my parents noticed me, and once they noticed me, how could they not admire me for such wonderful qualities as honesty, respect..."

I don't know, it's just a thought, so feel free to ignore.

My overall thoughts:

My favourite part of this story is the little girls transition from 'being perfect' to 'maintaining an image of perfection'. I love this subtle change, and the fact that you share how telling lies to maintain that persona never sat easily on your conscience.

This is a captivating tale, all the more poignant because the main character is so easy to adore, and because she grew into such a lovely 'grown-up'. I think you have a lovely, truthful story which will appeal becuase of the simplicity of its messages.

Now, can you do me a favour in return? Can you just let me know I've not put you off ever asking my opinion on something ever again? I write these things and then chew over them!

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Keaton Foster: Know My Hell! .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Flowers for Suzy "  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

I read this title and braced for impact. That it was about love, loss and grief, I knew from the start. That it would turn into one of the the most beautiful and moving tributes to a lost, loved one, made the experience an emotional and a moving one. One I'm honoured and deeply saddened to have shared.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

The flow of this short story was as soft and gentle as a light spring breeze. I was scooped up and carried along for the smoothest of most heart-breaking of journeys. Every sentence contributed to the memory of this much adored woman, each word had value. I didn't trip, stumble or falter at any point - except when I realised my box of hankies was out of reach.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

The conflict in here is real and subtle. It is one man's battle to find a way through each and every day without the presence of the one person who made sense of his world.

How does one find a way through grief? I'm not sure one does. I think grief finds a way through us. Eventually, it finds a quieter home in the cracked walls of our hearts, but the sting never goes away. We just seem to find a way to live with it.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

I read this short story, and from the outset I was compelled to see the story through. Right from the start, I felt a monumental sense of loss, and this feeling only became more and more weighted as the writing continued. These words are raw, they are real and honest, and I think more than anything they are current. The pain is still very much a 'now' feeling for the writer and it strikes me in the same way.

There is some stunning imagery in here. Far too many examples to quote line for line, but I've picked a few of my favourites:

"Twenty-three years seems like a long time to most, but to me it was just a flicker in an inferno."

"The curves of her face are as soft as the clouds in the clear blue sky."

This was a piece of writing which really pulled me into the heart of the moment. When I read this: "I stare often into Heavens eternal abyss. I know she is there, looking down upon me." my heart almost broke. I felt the moment as if I were there experiencing it for myself. Ditto with these poignant, gut-wrenching words: "I make my way home, back to all that I know without her."

It seems amazing that in the face of such loss the universe can keep spinning, but somehow it does.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

I didn't see any, and I didn't care to go back and look. It was a beautiful, perfect read and I had no desire to even attempt to pick fault.

Overall thoughts:

I am gutted for your loss. You have given voice to an incredible love story, and a world of grief. Not an easy task. You did it beautifully. Thank you for sharing.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" .

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Natbutterflyblue .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Mists of Apalia, Chapter 1 (1087 words)"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

I'm not sure the title does the story any favours. You have a cracking good story line here, but the title 'Airianna' doesn't feel very inspiring. I'm not sure I'd pick it off a book-shelf if I was browsing. I'm loath to make a suggestion after only reading two chapters, but I think you could probably come up with something much more exciting or dynamic. Something that a would-be-reader just couldn't resist looking at if it were a book on a shelf.

How do I feel about the characters?

Faith makes for a striking lead female role. Courageous, loyal, instinctive, intelligent and cunning. In the first chapter we see so many amazing sides to her character that as a reader it was very easy to like her. I got a real sense of how terrified she was and how devastating the attack was from Faith. Her emotions and her reactions felt very real and made it easy for me to connect with her. In the second chapter I also saw a more sensitive side as she struggles with her nightmares.

Princess Airianna, the woman the book is named after, feels like a secondary character even two chapters in. Is this the intention? In this first chapter she is very much the victim, rescued by a loyal friend. Faith's quick thinking in the corridor is what ultimately saves them, and our view of Airianna in this moment is one of a terrified and bemused damsel. In Chapter 2 we see quite a jump, almost too much of a jump. I like the decisive, focused and noble woman she has turned into, but I feel as though I've missed out of too much of her journey. How did she transition from victim to leader? Are you intending to revisit the previous three years? I hope so.

I didn't get much of a handle on Tah'lon. His presence in the first chapter was minimal, and even in the second he didn't have much of an impact. I sense this will change, just like I sense his relationship with Faith may urn into something else, but it's all pretty much in my imagination at the moment. That he is a good guy and he remains loyal to the princess help me like him, but I want to know more.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

Bar a few readability issues, which are easily addressed, this makes for a dynamic and exciting read. The pace is a little slower in Ch 2, but it still makes for some compelling reading. A lot is achieved in a short space of time in Ch. 1 and without hesitation I moved to Ch. 2. My one thought, is that both chapters feel rather short.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

The consequences of the betrayal are portrayed in a very vibrant, bloody and dynamic way. Little references like these: "A giant mountain of a man towered over her" and "She heard him zip his pants" do a great job of communicating just how brutal and unrelenting the assault on the palace as been. Very quickly, I had a clear sense of who was in the wrong and where my loyalties lay.

Outstanding questions or issues:

Just the huge gap in time between Ch.1 and Ch.2. I feel robbed.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

Something to watch for is repetition, which can be distracting for the reader, and if they are anything like me, it causes me to start skipping ahead. In the first three paragraphs I felt as though Faith's name was a little overused. Sometimes we need to remind the reader who we are talking about, but in this instance, there is no other female interacting with Faith and every experience relates to her. For example:

"Faiths breaths came in rapid gasps, her pulse pounded against the side of her throat. Terror gripped every fiber of Faith as she clung to the shadows...

I would be tempted to replace the 'Faith' with a 'her'. Similarly, the opening word in each of the first three paragraphs is 'Faith'. I'd be tempted to try and alternative opening for the second and third paragraph. For example, you could try:

"Gripping a knife, she pulled her hem up higher..."

*

Another example of repetition within close proximity is: "She held her breath. She heard him zip his pants". You could try:

"Holding her breath, she listened as he zipped his pants and..."

*

I also think you need an apostrophe here: "Airianna's nursery" to show ownership. There are a few instances of this dotted around.

Overall thoughts:

A well imagined story that comes across as a convincing read. Do write more, I very much enjoyed the escape.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" .
Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello River McKenna .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . I've visited your port in the past, and I remember being very moved a previous piece you wrote. I found yet another honest and insightful piece today, and I thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Perception"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

You caught my attention with this title. It reminded me of a phrase I've used during training many times in the past: 'Perception is Reality'. That this piece of writing is based on a personal experience just made the title all the more interesting.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

Some stunning imagery in here. The victim-like descriptions were very vivid and so very easy to connect with. This line in particular says so very much: "delicate flower that had been jerked from its roots and crumpled".

I also thought your choice of words in that very first paragraph were spot on. Words like: "squealing", "smashing" "slamming" and "whipped" gave me a visual and an audible reference for what was being described, which made me feel uncomfortably close to the action.

Outstanding questions or issues:

My one additional comment is regarding the strength of character it takes to step back from the moment and see the bigger picture. When you recall the words of your sister and see her relief that nothing more serious had happened, you had a choice. You could have gone to the 'but why did it have to happen to me place' and instead you went to the 'how lucky am I place'. That gives me a feel for the remarkably strong, individual that let an inner optimism break through her fear.

Overall thoughts:

I think a wonderful job is done of sharing a sense of enlightenment. As I read this, I felt the dark cloud lifting. It's all credit to you as the writer, that I was pulled into those feelings of fear and loneliness, and then just as convincingly able to share the sense of liberation experienced at the end.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello to the very lovely warriormom.

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . I very rarely review poetry, but oddly this is the second piece to have called for my attention today. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Color My World"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, but please keep in mind I know little about the technicalities of poetry. All I can offer are some thoughts on how your poem made me feel, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

I entered this competition myself a while ago so I was familiar with the prompt. I had hopes that this poem would be one I'd find accessible, and I wasn't disappointed (though the 'nonet' thing spooked me a little).

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This was so easy to read. When I read the words to myself, they were as smooth as chocolate (always good), and when I read them out loud, they rolled off the tongue with ease.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

The imagery in here was gorgeous. I loved the use of the colour grey, and the various ways in which you illustrated the burden of feeling trapped in the 'ominous darkness'. In contrast references to 'brilliant colours' and 'the rainbow beyond the mist' brought a contrasting illumination to the poem, even if it was slightly out of reach. I also adored your use of colour in presenting this item. It brought a whole new dimension to the experience of reading and enjoying poetry.

Overall thoughts:

Thank you for teaching me something today. Up until twenty minutes ago, a 'nonent' was simply a term of endearment for my littlest mini-beast. Now, I know the original meaning!

I hope you don't feel too robbed of a decent review, but I hope I can assure you that as a non-poetry girl, this poem was one that reached me. I appreciate the simplicity of your language and the clarity of the sentiments. This is a beautiful poem and deserving of it's honourable mention!


If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Hayley I. (aka Kilpik) .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Rabbit vs Turtle"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

What more could I ask of a title? This tells me what the story is about and who the key characters are. And yet, how little you actually gave away! Nice choice.

How do I feel about the characters?

Rabbit is one of the most entertaining characters I've come across. I absolutely adore his inner monologue. It was scarily reminiscent of conversations I've had with myself in the past. Different situation but with the same voices

His cocky arrogance is wonderfully endearing - how on earth did you manage that? I couldn't dislike him, even though his final decision to let turtle win is still motivated by self-gratification. Rabbit is a wonderfully written character whose presence jumps of the page.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

My favourite part of this story is the inner monologue where Rabbit's internal angel & demon debate the merits of their suggestions. The humour here is super and that the final resolve is the 'right' choice for the 'wrong' reason was a stroke of genius.

Thoughts on the ending:

Poor tortoise! I'm so glad he got his victory. I wasn't entirely sure what to visualise at the end. I got a little confused. He died before crossing the finish line but he still managed to roll over the line? And I didn't quite get the relevance of Rabbit's feigned coma. Go-on, tell me I've missed something obvious.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

Oh, you used some fabulous imagery in your opening paragraphs, and the tone with which it was applied had me grinning. I could almost see this little rabbit puffing himself up to fit the size of his ego. Wonderfully done!

Outstanding questions or issues:

Over here in the UK, it's the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. Not a criticism, just sharing our variation with you!

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

Perhaps consider using italics to clearly show the reader any internal thoughts. In the following section I stumbled through my first read thinking the words had been spoken.

Overall thoughts:

This was a great and thoroughly entertaining read. Thank you so much for sharing it on WDC

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello NickiD89 .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Mama"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

How do I feel about the characters?

We are provided with so few details about this character and yet within a very short space of time I'd connected with her. I think the conflicted emotions she feels for her mother are very vivid, and the imagined movement of the image in the photograph make it all feel very present and rather raw.

The way her memories shift from fond and loving to harsh and painful is beautifully done. I love this line which acts as the link and the catalyst for the change: "The tangle tightens, reining in my nostalgia" A fantastic use of words in a piece with a limited word count.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

The tale felt effortless. It transitions from one sequence to the next with ease and there wasn't a single moment when I wasn't committed to the read.

Thoughts on the ending:

A very poignant ending. What will motherhood mean for this woman? Will she fall into the same trap or set her own benchmarks against her fonder memories? I couldn't see any specific indications that she would be the same as her mother, even though the implication is that she too is in show-business. The sickness, a normal reaction to pregnancy is also cleverly tied in with her anxieties. This is so nicely done.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

There are some wonderfully subtle moments in here which worked perfectly in ensuring I empathised with the main character. The mascara wand is one which will stay with me for some time. Most women would connect with that in some way. Who hasn't put on their mascara and then caught sight of something that threw them off-guard? A brilliant real-life activity made personal to this woman seeing the photograph out of the corner of her eye.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

There was just the one sentence which I tripped up on a couple of times. I'm sure it's fine, but I felt as though the word 'and' was missing after 'tummy'. See what you think: "One hand strays to my still-flat tummy, rests on the coarse, sequined material"

Overall thoughts:

This was a fascinating glimpse into one woman's life. I very much enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Just an Ordinary Boo! .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Commercial transaction"  today.

I've actually browsed through several of your 'Hors d” oeuvres' today, as I'm in awe of anyone that can create a story with so few words at their disposal. I have to mention 'Into the Light' too, because it was a super, super story, with a fantastic surprise at the end. Anyway, this review is about "Commercial transaction" , so back to this one. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful. Please ignore if not.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:
There is nothing I love more than a writer that preys on my deep rooted assumptions and forces me to step back and think twice about where my thinking has taken me. The title here, sowed the seed of an idea about this story, and the description underneath nurtured that same seed. This is a brilliant title, it describes exactly what the story is, but not in the way I initially imagined.

How do I feel about the characters?

There is little time or even need for an emotional connection with this character. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other about her. Having said that, I did make a decision about her from the outset, and I did feel a little to have so misjudged her, even if that was the intention.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

Spot on. Short, sharp and to my mind, immaculate in it's delivery of the twist.

Thoughts on the ending:

Superb. Made me roll my eyes in exasperation and sharply reprimand myself for passing judgement on the poor girl!

Outstanding questions or issues:

In a piece where word count is so precious, I'd perhaps question the need for, and value of the word "brusquely". Perhaps the same goes for "impatiently", as the glance at the watch implies this feeling.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

I'm still getting to grips with this myself, so if I'm wrong, then 'slap me down' , but I wondered if you might need a ',' before the end speech marks in the dialogue sections.

Overall thoughts:

I read this out to my husband, and he actually 'got-it', where as I totally went to the wrong place. So, I loved it. I love that I was surprised, and that I was made to think about my assumptions. Very nicely done!

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.