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Review of Black Hole  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Black Hole'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:
A free-form piece of poetry which captures the pain and heart ache of a broken relationship.

Favourite Elements:
I think you use some great vocabulary in this piece. In particular I really like the following:
"Damaged, broken and full of regret" a great choice of strong, emotive words to convey the sense of pain.
"I will not choose to be a mess" simple words yet very inspiring.

Areas for further considersation:
You describe the piece as "heartbreak when you end a relationship" I would have liked to have felt more of that decision coming through in your words.


Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

Kx

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127
Review of lead  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'lead'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:
An interesting piece written from the perspective of the woman who is happy with her man taking the lead in their relationship, yet this piece also highlights how the woman can lead from behind too.

Favourite Elements:
The implication is that the man is boss, sometimes at the expense of his partner "you never look to see me stumble" but equally in certain places, this reads like perfect teamwork "i was that light that let you shine,the one who sparked new ideas in your mind." This last quote is just lovely.

Areas for further considersation:
Not much - just a couple of typo, style suggestions:
Do you mean 'Gait' in place of 'gape'?
"I was the light that..." not sure if 'the' sounds smoother than 'that' - one to think about?
"Where were you ..to" Missing '?'
Typo at the end 'supposed' to do.


Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

Kx

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128
Review of Brothers  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work Brothers. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.
Wow! A lovely, heart warming tribute to someone very special.

Favourite Elements:
I like the language you've used. It reads like you are saying the words out loud. There is no falsehood in your words, they feel heart felt and genuine. It reads really nicely, my favourite two lines are "You're usually the man in front, paving the way with reckless ambition. And I'm the guy at the back, making sure you don't get hurt. You're a man of action, and I'm a man of patience" because they speak volumes about the depth and the longevity of your relationship.

Areas to Consider:
At the end, you say 'contend' together - do you mean 'compete'? A couple of your sentences in the first paragraph start with 'And'; I was always told this was a 'no-no' but I don't believe that is the case at all. However you do use it fairly frequently, which can make sentences sound a bit choppy, like they should be part of one sentence but aren't. A stylistic choice I believe but maybe something to consider in the future.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


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129
Review of Help?  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Help'. I know that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.
A broad introduction for a romantic/fiction story/novel. The MC's background is outlined and a motive for her decisions is provided.

Favourite Elements:
You have asked for help with how to start your story but for me - that's pretty much what you already have. To me, this could be a prologue and if not it certainly gives you plenty of issues which you can weave throughout your MC interactions with her old lover.

I like the implied connection between the older MC and the visiting Zach. The casual confidence with which he greeted her seemed a little arrogant - but that can be great for an antagonistic, passionate and firely relationship.

This outline took me back to the days of Mills and Boon, which I used to read ninety-to-the-dozen as a teenager. I have no idea if this is what you are aiming for, but it'sperhaps something to consider.

Areas to Consider:

I think you need to consider her motives for not telling him in the first place. Letting him go to Med School is very magnanimous but unless she had a lot of emotional/financial backing - I'm not sure how she would have been able to 'do it alone' and to not tell him - is huge. The reason, motive, guilt surrounding all this, need to be thoroughly considered becuase I suspect this will play an intrinsic part in how Zach and your MC move forward after meeting up again.

From a credibility point of view - again I think you need to be clear how she got through her studies and to the position she is in with a small child in tow. The world is harsh, training to be a lawyer is incredibly demanding - she must have struck gold finding an accomodating firm. This can all be addressed in your story if you work out her backstory in more depth.

I've only written two novels and a handful of short stories - all of which are on here, none of which are published, so I'm not sure my advice will be as helpful as some on here. But for my part, when it comes to getting started on your story I would ask you two question.

Do you like your outline? Do you like your characters? If so, then I would say 'believe in them' and 'believe in yourself' - they are the two most important elements. Then it is a case of picking up that pen, or sitting at your computer start writing.

Some things you might like to consider if you can't quite 'get going' would be to start by asking questions of your characters and your stories.

1) What is your MC character called, what is her background - why would going it alone be a reasonable thing for her to do?
2) Who is in the background helping her - anyone / no one / another secondary character that perhaps brings humour to your tale?
3) Has she thought of Zach since leaving school? Why did she never tell him? Has she met anyone else?
4) What has Zach been doing? What is he doing now? Why is he back in her life? How will he react to seeing her, then seing Sam?
5) What do you want for your characters - what role will Sam play?
6) Ask yourself where they are, their environment, the scene they are in. What other environments do they exist in?

I should say that this is all recycled advice - another writer suggested that interviewing your characters is a good way to get the ball rolling, and it does help.

Anyway, good luck!

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


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130
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Waiting for Christmas Morning'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A feel good, fast paced peek into the world of Mr & Mrs Claus in the run up to Christmas.

Favourite Elements:

It had to be Santa eating the chilli dog. The way it was written was wonderfully mischievous and I could feel the steam of frustration almost bursting out of Mrs Claus ears in exasperation.

Areas to Consider:

"seemed to go insane and appeared to forget" the words 'appeared to' feel unnecessary - slowing the pace a little and using up valuable word count space in a short word-count competition. You've already hinted at 'hesitancy' with 'seemed to' so it probably doesn't need repeating.

When Mrs Claus hears about the naughty/nice list being altered I was half expecting her to say 'next year we need a cut off point' - that's probably the Mum in me trying to persuade my own mini-beasts that the can't just be good for a few days *Wink* and expect those presents to arrive!

LAast, quick question - Is Joey Marshall anyone significant? Am I missing something?

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

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Review of Meeting Him  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Meeting Him'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A lovely, magical poem which tells the story of the man who recognised Santa.

Favourite Elements:

I like that a whole story unfolds in each verse, you have a beginning a middle and a really nice end. I approve of the shopping extravaganza at the end *Wink* but more than that, the perfect present as you say is meeting the man himself.

Areas to Consider:

The fifth stanza feels slightly out of balance with the rest of the poem, I think the last two lines are so long - that the rhythm is momentarily lost. Try counting the number of syllables in each line and seeing what your rhyming pattern is. It can help the reader with the flow, if the pattern is consistent throughout the whole poen. Not essential - but it can help!

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

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Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ah - this made me smile! I can just imagine the outrage following the publication of Version 1. Most of us are animal lovers at heart.

Again - very nicely told, and I was pleased to see the happy ending.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of Version 2.

Kxx
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133
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Last Snowflake'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique. This is actually the first piece of prose I've attempted to review so my apologies if it is somewhat clumsy.

General Impressions.

A magical story which illustrates the 'circle of life' beautifully and simply. A friendly and informal style written in a very open and accessible manner. This is a piece of writing which to my mind could appeal to both older children and adults.

Favourite Elements:

The following lines are presented at the beginning and then repeated at the end "Twirling, spinning and drifting toward the earth", this is a lovely way of reiterating the circular nature of the tale. I do believe you suggested this technique on a piece I wrote not so long ago and it's nice to see it so nicely illustrated in this work.

"fluttering shower of pink petals" - again these are such simple words, but I love them. They are delightfully uncomplicated and the reader can instantly visualise what is being described.

Areas to Consider:

I read the part where the last snowflake gives a 'shiver' before melting, it was the only part that didn't quite work so smoothly for me. The shiver almost contradicts the fact that the world is warming up and that she is in fact melting. Because of the inevitability of the circle of life, it felt as thought she might 'sigh' almost in acceptance of that last second of her existence. This comment feels extremely picky, and to be fair, it doesn't detract from my enjoyment of what you've have written - hence my 5 rating.

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

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Review of Just Remember Me  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Just Remember Me'. I appreciate that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.

A very thought provoking and well written piece which takes the reader on a surreal journey. The story was very well written and kept me hooked in from the very beginning even though it really only started to make sense as all the loose ends came together at the very end.

Favourite Elements:

I like the way the real world keeps interrupting her hallucination - it's very well done. I also like the sense of peace with which she lets go at the end, for all the trauma that has passed before and the terror of not knowing who or where she is, that final realisation is one of quiet acceptance.

Areas to Consider:

The only thing I was debating was whether it might have even more impact if it were written in the present tense. E.G " I look around at my surroundings. Who am I? Huge skyscrapers tower above me, while people rush past" I wondered whether it might make it all more current, and perhaps the emotions that bit more heightened. Just a thought for consideration.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


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Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Why the City is Safe'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A dark and mysterious story about two parents ultimate and unforgivable betrayal.

Favourite Elements:

I liked the way in which you tied the beginning and the end together with the same sentance "adults were such awful people sometimes".

The white hands on the steering wheel - a clever and subtle prompt that all was not as it seemed.

The wise, observing eyes of the middle child seeing through her parents deceit was well handled.

Areas to Consider:

For me (as a Mum), it is impossible to imagine what could ever cause a parent to abandon their child to some unspoken evil, rather than bundling them in the car and taking a shot (however futile) at escaping. I struggled to believe they would really do this and therefore I personally needed a stronger, broader motive for their actions.

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx
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Review of A Weeping Earth  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'A Weeping Earth'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:

A short poem about a downpour of rain.

Favourite Elements:

Relating the falling of rain to the falling of tears - simple and effective.

Areas for further considersation:

I really liked this, but I think I'd like to see another verse or two telling me the fuller story of the journey those tears take. The first four lines have a natural rhythm and flow which works well - I'd like to see more of that flow if you ever did expand on this piece.

Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

Kxx

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137
Review of Still Loving You  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Still Loving You'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

This poem was a lovely way of paying tribute to the living memories of a much loved homeland.

Favourite Elements:

I was thoroughly captivated by your opening stanza. It is really quite beautifully written and incredibly evocative. It left me with both a sense of time passing seamlessly and also of time passing without consequence - what I mean is, that for all time passes, some things will never change, which is in essence what you then go on to share with your reader. Your eternal love for your homeland. I thought this one paragraph set the rest of the poem up perfectly.

Areas to Consider:

No additional comments.

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx
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Review of Imperfection  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Imperfection'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A wisely worded letter to a trusted friend, rhetoric in tone this has a nice, easy, relaxed feel which carries the reader along at a comfortable pace.

Favourite Elements:

There are some great lines in here. Among my favourite are:
"swing more violently than a monkey on the run" because it just made be smile - and describes female hormone driven mood swings to a 'T'.

I like the way you describe falling in love with the whole person, including the imperfections. I also liked how the over tone was one of not requiring perfection, but the undertone is that he does have to be perfect - perfect for Davena.

Areas to Consider:

Repetition of the 'age' related comments in the last paragraph - the point is made three times which felt unnecessary given the reference to 'teenage' moods in para 2.


Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx
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Review of Tennis  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Tennis'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only the personal opinion of an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A short poem which manages to convey the disappointment of coming to terms with not being able to participate in a much loved past time.

Favourite Elements:

Would have to be the end, for although it is quite a sad poem, the last line reminds the reader that all is not lost - there is still some pleasure to be had - but in a different way.

Areas to Consider:

Nothing to add.

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx


Which will look like:
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Review of Christmas  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Christmas'. I appreciate that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.
A nicely written piece which pulls you into the heightened emotion of a christmas carnival, the excitement of a young child and the pride of a loving mother. Lots of feelings were provoked in this one small piece, and the twist at the end was most unexpected.

Favourite Elements:
"her rounded cheeks dimpling in delight. A snow flake floated over her face, sticking to the tip of her nose, a sparkling diamond against the pink of her skin"

Add this to the damp curls peeking out from under her hat and you have created a beautiful image of an excited child gobbling up the christmas festivities! This little girl leaps off the page, you have (for me) described her so well.

Areas to Consider:
I see some gorgeous imagery waiting to get out of that first paragraph, but I was a little confused about who you were writing about. When you say 'She arrived' do you mean Annie or Isobel? When you say "each face flushed" do you mean the crowds or the previous 'she' or the latter 'Annie and Isobel'? Sentance '3' opens 'woman' and I not sure whether you mean 'women' plural or 'The woman'. If I've mis-read something - my apologies.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


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Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Lost in Wonderland'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review therefore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:
I warmed to this piece quickly, evocative wording and imagery created a sense of sadness and loss almost immediately.


Favourite Elements:
The first two lines are undoubtedly my favourite. I think your choice of language here is clever in it's simplicity and yet it is still eloquently written. The natural rhyming only makes it all the more endearing.

I also have to comment on the following:

"Angels with scars and demons with dreams,
This dreamworld is more broken than it seems"


These two lines had me thinking about your poem long after I had stopped reading it. I think this is because I was thinking about your words both figuratively and literally - I love it when writing makes me think in a non-linear way!

Ares for further consideration:
For me the 2:2:3, 2:2:3, 2:2:3 flows really nicely. The change in structure and the loss of a rhyming pattern (which as a reader, I had come to anticipate)made the latter part of the poem feel slightly disconnected from the former.


Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

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Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing your poem and the chance to read and review. I've actually never come across anything quite like this before, so my comments may seem a little off-key. Apologies if this is the case. I don't find poetry easy to review, so I tend to comment on how it makes me feel of where it takes me!

Firstly, let me say that I felt this was a great-fun, christmas-style roller-coaster ride, that didn't relent in offering a new twist and turn with every additional verse that came along.

The emotional tribute to a much loved wife on a pending wedding anniversary was very, very touching - and it was a honour to read something so personal and genuine.

Following on form that, my favourite part (perhaps predictably because I'm a sucker for cheesy christmassy things) was this bit:

Christmas lights shining bright
Santa hidden and out of sight.
It's just me and you on this night
Let us say to one and all Merry Christmas and to all a blessed New Year!

This for me captures that lovely excitement and anticipation that (for me) comes with having two gorgeous mini-beasts to celebrate with.

Thanks Again,

Kxx
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Review of Follicular Folly  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello there!

Thank you for sharing the tormet of a late night shopping fiasco! I had enormous fun reading this, cringing as the realisation hit and them empathising as your imagination careered out of control to the point that you convinced yourself you were bound for prison. I could so relate the latter having accidently walked out of a shop with an unpaid lipsalve in my bag not long after my first child was born - I barely slept that night before I drove back first thing and dutifully paid for said item!)

There were several language 'issues' that didn't translate across the waters, (e.g. Jeff Gordon, Gallon of 2%) but they didn't prevent me from getting an decent idea of what you meant. Though if you wouldn't mind telling me what 2% is I'm extremely curious!

Happy Writing.

Kx
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Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well done on writing a really creative, imaginative and certainly a humor filled piece of writing. You certainly chose a cracking subject to tackle - some of your comments bring back a few scarey memories.

I think you do a great job of getting in to the spirit of the piece, the anxiety of being at the hands of someone so inexperienced and completely helpless to boot comes across,well.

IF I were to make suggestions (based on my personal preferences, not necessarily any writing expertise) I would suggest keeping some of the dialogue - because this personifies the car really well, but I would be tempted to change some of your dialogue to a narrative so that as the reader we observe what the car sees and then 'bam' we feel those moments of anxiety and frustration more acutely when they are delivered as the spoken word.

I also think that you achieve a lot of emotion through your vocabulary, your sarcasm comes through quite well. So in my opinion I don't think you need so many '!' and '?' it sometimes detracts from the emotion you have already achieved with your words.

I hope you found this helpful but of course please feel free to ignore ;)

Happy Writing!

Kxx
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Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was an interesting piece to read. I read your 'scene setter' at the start and after I'd finished the piece I tried to understand what you were looking for interms of a review for something that, as you say isn't a story or fiction but an expression of a memory or dream.

I could be completely off the mark, but I felt as though you wanted me to feel the sensation of the dream - otherwise I don't think you would have written in by trying put the reader into the position of protagonist. If I've missed the mark completely then please feel free to dismiss my comments ;)

My first observation is that it is a short statement driven narrative which certainly helps to grip the reader and adds to a feeling of suspense. For me however, it possibly hindered pulling me in emotionally as the sentances are more statements of 'fact' and not of feeling. I see and hear everything that I am meant to observe but I don't necessarily connect with it. Much as I thoroughly enjoyed the read and was very much hooked in, I never quite 'became' the boy, I was always observing the boy.

What I did appreciate is that you created a sense of surrealism, I recognised that slightly distant almost disconnected nature of 'dreaming', where you're in the dream but also deparate from it. I think your short, sharp sentances achieve this sense of 'disconnect' and it is part of what makes this piece so compelling to read.

Your description of the chessboard and the aging paintings are very, very effective.

My favourite, stand out sentance is "Only an echo reaches your ear; a sound with no beginning and no end." which I felt was extremely thought provoking.

Thank you for sharing this piece and I hope my observations have been helpful in someway.

Kx
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Review of Livingroom  
Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please take this feedback as the observations of a keen reader, nothing more!

I really, really enjoyed this piece, it flowed gently and easily. Likening the sofas to the various phases of married life worked well and I thought you were very subtle in the way you approached this.

For me, this is the ultimate piece of real-world romance. Throughout all the trials a marriage has to face, we all hope that in the end, those original ties remain solid and intact underneath everything else that has gone before.

Areas to consider:

Some of the sentances are a little long. It makes for easier reading if your reader isn't having to remember too much about where the sentance started.
E.G "I remember our long drawn out conversations, evenings on the makeshift couch that we had cobbled together from an old patio set and a multitude of mismatched cushions you had sewn together using a borrowed sewing machine."

I also received some great feedback about some of my writing which you may find useful. When crafting a tale, only retain what is absoluely essential to the plot, character and mood of the piece. Try to avoid words that are 'superfluous' as it delays the readers getting to grips with what you are trying to convey. An example where this might apply could be "amazed at the changes in life that have taken place due" the words 'in life' are unnecessary and could be seen to slow the pace down without helping.

Please just take these as general observations. There is no wise expert behind my suggestion!

Happy Writing & Thanks for sharing.

Kx
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Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is quite lovely, very personal and emotional.

As a suggestion I'd break up the text a bit - perhaps so it reads more like a free verse poem. That way I think the reader will be able to savour each line and to pause where you need them to.

The two sentances that both start with 'And' don't flow as well as the others but that is just a personal observations.

Happy Writing,

Kx
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Review by MumstheWord
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This made me smile - a unique approach to the story of one of our favourite super heros!!

Even superhero's dream and fantasize hey? I'll look forward to reading more of your imaginative writing :)

Kx
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Review of The Letter  
Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a beautifully told tale of love and loss, captured in gentle rhymes it was fluid and easy to read.

I particularly liked how you tapped into a range of senses to express how the letter made you feel.

Very, very nicely written. (If this really happened - I'm so very sorry)

Happy Writing,

Kx
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Review of Summer Tree  
Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for reviewing my work and for the opportunity to read some of your writing too. Please take these comments as thoughts from a keen reader, nothing more :)

I thought this was a very interesting idea and you tackled a subject area I am completely unfamiliar with - good job trying something new!

It did read like a tale you would listen to rather than a tale you would read - I'm unsure exactly why this is, perhaps it is your choice of words which make it sound like a narrative - either way it works!

I have to say I was pleased the mother knew her son was 'ok' at the end, this made for a satisfying (if still mysterious) conclusion :)

A piece of advice I received on one of my early pieces was to watch out for 'superfluous words'. It pushes the reader away by delaying / unnecessarily slowing the pace down. An example of this is:

"It was a warm summer’s day, and there was a young man working away in the fields of his farm". The words "there was" are possibly unnecessary. you might consider something like the following:-
"One fine summers day a young man toilied away in the family fields"

This is only a suggestion based on some feedback I had, thought I'd share it!!

Couple of other little bits I noticed:

Personally I don't think you need the second 'young man' in para 1 (2nd sentance) your reader knows who you are talking about.
" three times the height and breadth as the biggest forest trees" do you mean "of the biggest tree"?
"The young man tried to climb down, but he wasn’t quick enough, and the tree disappeared into the darkness, and all that stood on that hill was the horse that sat down and slept." A very long sentance. Perhaps try a full stop after "quick enough". If you start the next sentance with "The tree..." then you also negate the repetition of "and' in quick succession.

Hope these comments are helpful, but of course, please feel free to ignore completely.

Happy Writing, I'll keep an eye on your port and see what else you are working on!

Kx
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