A very convincing dialogue driven story. The relationship and their past difficulties comes across well. You build tension very well and the choice to fight rather than to take 'flight' attitude of the guilty husband (and the resulting faux submissive response on the part of the wronged wife) are for me the strongest part of this writing.
The end was expected but well executed. The sarcasm comes across very well!
1Please take these comments as simply observations of an interested reader, nothing more ;)
I really liked this - the title hoooked me in really quick! A quirky, fun and tasty idea for a poem.
The first verse is my favourite - it flows nicely and cleverly stimuates the taste buds, the rhyming of lines 1 and 4 making it a very readable verse.
I like the content in the remainnig verse but I think it could be stronger if you kept with the original idea and made it a readble, rhyming verse - I know there are certain lines that do rhyme, but the pattern variies throughou which could make it more tricky to read.
If you can be consistent in your rhyming rhythm / pattern - it would be superb to read out at parties, or to put in menuss before the dessert trolley arrived - just for fun!
This is a lovely idea for a poem, it really provokes the imagination. I can imagine adults and children enjoying this. You did a really good job of taking the reader on a journey, particularly in the first half where the rhyming worked very well.
I felt as though the rhyming lost some of its momentum in the latter half, if you can revisit this and keep the momentum going this could work as a really good poem.
An interesting, thought provoking poem. You definitely got me thinking with this one. I'm not great at interpreting poetry, but I like to try!
I couldn't decide if this was about finding your tue love, or something more sinister. The latter half reads very much like meeting that someone special, but then to talk about stealing someones soul - makes me think otherwise.
I thought your use of language was very thought provoking and very emotional - I felt the anxiety behind the words.
Please take these comments only as expressions of interest from a keen and interested reader, not an expert writer!
A strongly worded, emotionally driven free verse poem.
Some of the words are highly evocative, as a reader I felt anger and bitterness coming through in the words. I didn't feel those emotions myself which is perhaps somethign to think about. Poetry is even more powerful when the reader can come along for the journey too.
My favourite lines are:
"You want everything to be perfect
when in reality it never will be."
because these words did resonate, I think it's a lesson most of us have to learn at some point!
Couple of possible typos:
"your nothing" do you mean "you're (you are) nothing)"?
"me you're you lie-" do you mean "you are the lie"?
Think you may need a full stop at the end of "misery".
Please feel free to ignore any of my comments, they are only the opinions of a reader, not an expert writer of any genre or style!
Firstly, I thought this was a good attempt at free form poetry, visually it makes interesting reading, the title hooked me in and I anticipated a humor filled read.
I can imagine this being read to young children - asking them to imagine where the pencil could be - sparking their imaginations.
I felt a little disappointed in the ending, to my (highly literal mind) it didn't tie in with the eventful searching that had preceeded it. Like I said, I am rather prone to being 'literal' when it comes to poetry, probably because I'm not sharp enough to think in a more abstract manner!
I think I might have liked a 'new' favourite to be found at the end which would almost suit the light hearted, contrary tone of the poem. This would fit in my my thoughts about appealing to a younger audience too.
Hope this is useful - and please keep writing! I love quirky and interesting topics for stories and poetry!
An emotional relloercoaster indeed. So very, very pleased your story ended well. I had a heart transplant 15 years ago and now have a wodnerful family and two beautiful children. I will forever be grateful to the person kind enough to offer me this chance at life.
I also lost a brother 4 years ago, although an organ became available, in the end it was too late and his body had just had enough. We miss him daily but we know he would be delighted to see his nephew and neice growinp up so beautifully.
I wish your and you family a lifetime of health and happiness.
This held my attention right through to the end. I loved how you set the scene, and your descriptions of how the wolf made him feel are tremendous, highly evocative and moving.
Please only take these comments as my personal thoughts. I am no great writer, but I read lots, and I know what I like. these are only my suggestions, discard as you wish!!
This made interesting reading. I think I understand why you wrote each line out, repeating 'The color of..." at the start of each line, it creates a visual impact, but if I'm honest, I stopped reading the start of those sentances. Personally I don't think it's necessary. I think the end of each of those sentances is vivid and strong enough to stand alone.
For me, something like this would work aswell:
Red.
The color of blood adn of pain.
The color of war, of hatred and ultimately of guilt.
Red - The color of my hands.
The last section ties the above 3 color themed paragraphs together beautifully. The last bit is my favourite - I think it is written very well.
An interesting idea for a poem, it was easy to read and easy to follow. The undertone was slightly sinister which I understood but I wondered if there wasn't space for Death to talk about 'release' which of course it is for some. Of course I do appreciate that this was a conversation with one person and therefore my thought may not be appropriate.
My favourite lines are the last two, a little twisted and also a good warning for all!
I was also stung by your line ending 'existence wouldn't have mattered' Ouch ;) Strong, effective words!!
Very emotionally and eloquently written. Easily relatable because of the subject and the raw imagery that leaps of the page.
I wasn't 100% sure I understood para 2 - was she being comforted by someone new, that she didn't feel the same for? Apologies if I've missed something obvious
This is my favourite line - very powerful...
"Her heart stopped and in her own mind she could hear it shatter into millions of pieces. "
I can't decide if the word 'despise' quite works for me or not - maybe loathing? Only a suggestion.
A cute, light-hearted and entertaining wee tale! I like the imagination behind this - a great take on the prompt!
Couple of suggestions which may make it read a little smoother.
"on a nearby rock nicely warmed by the sun. I rest...."
"but it softens as he pats..."
"we sit in silence aware of the goldfish watching us"
"I don't make them too long.."
"Spent" rather than 'spend'
It's very interesting to recognise that the older I get the more these words resonate. These few lines remind me of the important, and sometimes little things in life that make the difference.
When I hit a crisis in my early twenties - this poem pretty much captures what I hoped to experience in my life, if I was lucky enough to live it.
I finally get to visit your portfolio!! Please only take these comments as an interested observer, I have no knowledge of poetry, I simply know what I like and what I understand,
I found this a very nice read. I like the idea of a child seeing something magical in nature.
I wasn't sure why she was looking 'precociously' out of the window, to me - that kind of attitude seemed a little at odds slightly with a child who immediately says hello to a hummingbird. Just for the record however, my husband (who I often read things too - quite liked the implied attitude!!)
The rhyming flow varies in each verse - which some people are fussy about. I'm not but I do think that the last line of v 2 might flow a little easier if you changed 'toward' to 'for'.
The first line of V4 might flow a little easier if the balance was altered a little, suggestion "she called out to her brother Jo" (these 8 syllable match the 8 syllables in the first line of the previous verse too so it's less likely to trip the reader)
I wasn't sure about the little girls 'pleas" - maybe an additional preceeding verse would help set the scene a little more for the bird then feeling frightened?
I like the rhyming of 'please' and 'trees' - it works reallly well
I don't quite understand what you are saying in the last line - but I am prone to being a bit literal sometimes. I love the preceeding three lines about closing an open mind, this was really well written and how true it is.
My favourite lines are:
At first, she was completely stunned,
But then her smile beamed –
A hummingbird just spoke to her,
At least that’s what it seemed
Please ignore if you don't agree or like any of these comments.
Happy Writing!
Kx
A very sweet tale, with that very real, harsh reality at the end, that too often we care what people think and so we keep quiet, even about the most marvolous discoveries!
Oh my word - if this is the writing of an 11 year old then the adult will probably blow us away with his/her descriptive text.
i thought this was a fantastic piece of creative writing, I can't imagine why it only got a 'B' grade.
Suggestions...
'Situated' sounds a bit formal, "sits on" or "overlooks" are softer and possible more descriptive.
I'd finish with "swirling waves" the "of waters" is superfluous.
"Heat 'does' the better" - do you mean 'gets'?
Not sure about the tense in the second to last sentance. "A nosy teacher would..." perhaps try changing the tense, "A nosy teacher nudges me so..."
I really loved this - I connected with the main character very quickly and wanted the world to be kind to him. I was glad he found someone who believed and supported his dreams. This would rate much, much higher for me - if it was longer and their story continued. I just felt a little robbed by the rather abrupt ending.
If you ever extend this - please let me know.
I really like your easy writing style - I just wanted more of it ;)
Thank you very much for sharing this. Your words speak of emotions from the past but the pain and sense of loss is still current - it speaks through your words.
My favourite line is "Every time he holds my hand, I can feel magic in my veins" because this really resonated - it took me back to a memory of my first love. It's great that you could connect with me in this way.
In terms of what you might want to consider to improve on it, and please only take these as suggestions - I am no expert:
Firstly I have a gut feeling that there is a poem in here somewhere - whether you fancy giving that a go I don't know, but I fet quite strongly that this could work as a free style poem.
It might also be worth re-reading it and taking a view on the time frame you are writing this in. Are you writing it as the 13 year old experiencing the moment for the first time (present tense) or as an adult looking back (past tense)?
Occasionally your tenses are a little contradictory e.g the first 5 statements are past tense, as you remember when it happened. Then you say 'he's a best friend to me' which is present tense. Did you mean to say 'he was my best friend?'
I hope you find these comments helpful - and please feel free to disregard!!
If you ever revisit this as a poem, I'd be very interested to take a look ;)
I thought I'd pop back and read something else, always nice to revisit someone you reviewed once in a while!
This was a great read - an easy, friendly and inspiring read!
I found I culd releate to a lot of it too, at the tender (!) age of 36 I've spent the last 4 years in Mum-mode and have rediscovered writing as something I do just for me.
Thank you for sharing / creating something so personal.
Kx
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