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51
51
Review of Paranoid - Maybe  
Review by MumstheWord
Rated: E | (4.5)
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If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

Congratulations on your nomination into "Ink Blot Hall of Fame"  by 🌕 HuntersMoon
Along with your nomination, you are also receiving the Isaac Asimov Fan Package!
This package includes many things, one of which is this review from the "Invalid Item" !


*Quill* How did I come across this piece?

I don't believe we've 'met' before, and it was a pleasure to have the opportunity to take a look through your port today. I was thoroughly spoiled for choice. I hope my thoughts on "Paranoid - Maybe"  are in some way helpful. They are made with the best of intentions, but they are only one persons perspective.


*Pencil* Thoughts and expectations from the Title:

What a great and quirky choice for a title. The expectation is set, and the judgement is made, with the first word, and then it is completely undermined with the second. I love it! Made me grin and provoked my curiosity. *Smile*

*Quill* How do I feel about the Main Character:

For such a short piece of work, I was surprised at how my feelings towards the MC changed. Owing largely to the title, I started by feeling sceptical and pitying this clearly disillusioned character. I then moved to being uncertain, doubting my earlier feelings and wondering whether he alone was bearing the weight of his secret knowledge. And then, the writer cleverly appeals to that very damning of human traits, the passing of judgments based on appearance, and I was informed that this person was a tramp, so of course, I reverted to my earlier opinion that he was simply a bit loopy! Shamefully predictable of me to respond that way, but genius work on the part of the writer in provoking those deep rooted assumptions.

This was an impressive journey of reactions for a piece of flash fiction.

*Pencil*Thoughts on the pace and flow:

Flash fiction has to achieve so much, in so few words, that it can end up rushed, and some of the subtle detailing required to connect a reader with the character can be lost. This didn't happen at all in this piece. The writer used an inner-monologue to quickly put the reader in the mind-set of the paranoid main-character. Though we can't observe him or his mannerisms, we can sense his agitation through his bird-like thoughts as they dart nervously from one to the next. To me, this felt like an extraordinarily skillful way of helping me feel his character.

This line in particular is a wonderful mixed bag of self-doubt, irrational justification and agitation: "It must have been a test. Yes, a test."

I also love the way the MC interprets his normal surroundings to suit his perception of the world. In this line: "A “passer-by” hands me a flyer and disappears into a crowd hustling across an intersection.", we feel his certainty that this disappearance, and the presence of the crowd, are all part of the 'show'.

*Quill*Thoughts on the ending:

The 'reveal' in this piece is so subtle, that you could almost breeze over it. But it is there, and it is perfectly written. If I was being the tiniest bit picky, then I think that it would never be missed, and it might be even more surprising if it was actually the very last line of the piece. Just a thought!

*Pencil*How did I feel when reading this piece?

I felt entertained and distracted. I enjoyed seeing the world from this persons perspective, and the feelings provoked by his mental state made for a lively, yet slightly melancholy read. I liked the size of this story too, it was bite-sized and easy to read.

*Quill*Any technical comments?

Very tentatively, I would ask whether a ',' is required before the 'but' in this sentence: " I reach into the booth and grab it on the first ring but no one is there." If I'm wrong, please disregard!

*Pencil*Outstanding thoughts and questions:

Because the term 'watchers' and 'others' is used to specifically identify a group of individuals 'in the know', I'd be tempted to find another word for 'others' in this sentence as it confused me a little on my first read through: " I can see things that others are blind to". Maybe try 'regular people', though I'm sure you'd think of something far better.

*Quill*Final Thoughts:

Thank you for the opportunity to escape into someone else's world. I enjoyed the brief experience, and I am now grateful to be back in my own. *Wink*

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing feel free to take a look at: "Invalid Item" 


Thanks again for sharing. Write on!


*Heart* Want to spoil your favorite author? Buy them a package to show your appreciation! *Heart*
"Invalid Item" 



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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52
52
Review of Love is Red  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello again Tony .

*UmbrellaB*How did I come across your piece?*UmbrellaB*

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Love is Red"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

*UmbrellaR*Thoughts about the Title:*UmbrellaR*

I think this is a great title for a poem and even for a story. 'Love is Red' is a statement of fact, yet by using the word 'red' you still leave plenty of scope for the individual reader to have their own interpretations based on how the colour makes them feel. Nice choice!

*UmbrellaP*Pace and flow?*UmbrellaP*

When I went back to read it again, I read it out loud, and in spite of having lines that are quite unbalanced in length and content, it reads very easily. I did wonder whether ending with a line that mirrors your opening line might provide a satisfying sense of balance. For example, you could either repeat the first line, or you could start your last line in the same way you started your first line: 'Love is like a day....' These were just a couple of thoughts I had as I went back for one last read. Food for thought perhaps?

I also think that you have the length of this poem just perfect. It could so easily have been spoiled by turning it into a lengthy list of ideas. By keeping it focused on three main ideas, you have created a piece that is easy to read, yet it still carries a bit of weight.


*UmbrellaP*Thoughts on emotion and imagery:*UmbrellaP*

I like that you appeal to the senses with this poem, and I think love is just like that. You feel it in your toes, and you hear it in the music of someones voice. Whether or not it sounds like "people talking" I'm not so sure of the emotional connection you are trying to make here, but 'people talking silly' I can certainly relate to. This reminds me of 'new' love, when it is all exciting and optimistic. Is this what you mean?

Your reference to 'hot-chocolate' made me think of a 'cosy' love; a love that has settled over the years into a warm and comfortable place. It's amazing that love can be so many different things depending on the person, the time and the place, and with your imagery, you managed to tap into those different feelings.

Personally, I love the reference to cake, and any cake with 'lots of filling' has to be good. I recall your last poem making me smile, and this one did just the same with this line. The reasons were different as this was a smile of understanding (probably with a touch of craving too), but it illustrates that you have a talent for reaching the reader and connecting with them.

*UmbrellaR*Grammar,Punctuation and Spelling*UmbrellaR*:

Almost anything goes in poetry, but I wasn't sure whether the word 'up' was necessary in the following line: "It smells like sweet glory that makes up a peaceful day."

*UmbrellaG*Overall thoughts:*UmbrellaG*

I enjoyed reading this poem. What I like most is the simplicity of the references which made it a poem people of many ages could probably relate to. I enjoy simple, uncomplicated poetry that doesn't exclude the average reader by being to clever. I think you achieved that here. Well done!

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.


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53
53
Review of Opposites Poem  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I write in UK/English, so I apologise for any irritating spelling variations.

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Hello Tony . This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for sharing your work here on WDC. My comments are made with the best of intentions so I hope you find them helpful, however I encourage you to follow your own instincts and use/ignore them as you feel appropriate.


*UmbrellaP*First Impressions:*UmbrellaP*

At first glance, I was spoiled for choice when I visited your portfolio. It seems that, like your Mum, you have a love of writing and a talent for expressing yourself too. I decided to review this poem because you made me smile, and to my mind, that's one of the nicest gifts you can give someone. I think your writing is warm and sincere, and I enjoyed meeting you through your words.

*UmbrellaG*My 'WOW'Moment:*UmbrellaG*

You gave me a chuckle with your desire for more underwear! Surely something can be done about this? *Wink* Oddly, although the words felt out of context (in relation to the preceding line) they let me see that you have a sense of fun.

I also warmed to the following lines: "I feel safe at home. I feel scared when I’m alone." I'm in my mid (some might say late) thirties and I still feel this way sometimes. I had several years in my twenties when I lived alone, and they were tough years for me. I got through them by reminding myself that home isn't just a physical place, it's something I carry around in my heart every day, no matter where I am.

*UmbrellaB*Suggestions:*UmbrellaB*

The enjoyment of poetry often comes down to one person's preferences over another. I don't tend to critique technical aspects of poetry because I don't know much about it. What I will say, is that when I read this out loud I faltered over 'prince / princess' where I anticipated a rhyme that wasn't quite delivered.

If I was going to be picky, I'd suggest that the 'opposite' to your favourite food would be something that you thought tasted like dirt, rather than something you just wouldn't eat.

*UmbrellaO*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:*UmbrellaO*

Nothing that I noticed.

*UmbrellaV*Final Thoughts:*UmbrellaV*

This was an entertaining and expressive read. I am delighted to have 'met' you on here, and if you ever write any short stories be sure to let me know. I love reading short stories!

Thanks again for sharing and 'Keep Writing'. *Smile*

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54
54
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

You piece has been highlighted for review by The Simply Positive Group this week, and I'm delighted to take a look at "Summer In Bellingham"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, so please use what you wish and disregard the rest.

*ButterflyR*General Observations:

A chatty narrative told from the perspective on Erin who is out for an evening of fun with her girlfriends in her home town. When I read this through the first time I was puzzled about where the piece was going. Was there a story? Was there a plot? When would the conflict show itself? I went back and looked at the item type, and of course, it isn't a story, it is a fictional 'slice of life' which helped me tackle my review a little differently.

*ButterflyO*Suggestions:

This reads like a series of general meanderings. One girls thoughts and conversations set in a window of time which is uneventful and just 'is what it is'. If this was the results of a daily challenge to sit and write whatever comes from the writers mind, for the benefit of no one other than the writer, then it would, on that level, be a success. It is good practise to sit down and just see what flows from the pen!

In contrast, if this was intended as a piece of writing to capture, hook and retain an audience, then it might need a little more tlc in terms of 'story structure' (Setting, Character Development, Key Event, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Climax and Ending). Anyway, I'll set that aside, because I'm not sure whether that is what you set out to achieve.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I did find it difficult to stick with this, because during the first three-quarters of this piece, there was no exciting action to grab my attention. Having said that, it did remind me of my younger days, when all I needed for a good night was the company of a few good friends.

I would also add, that your climax at the end, has the potential to be a thrilling read, and I like that the saviour was the bad-guy from earlier. What was missing was the lead-up to this. Unexpected is good, but inexplicable leaves the reader with a feeling of disconnect from the writing.

Just a suggestion, but having posted this item on WDC, it will start to get reviews, so you might want to add a note from the author so that the reader/reviewer has some idea of how to approach this piece and what you seek in terms of feedback.


*RainbowL*I really hope I've been able to provide some useful feedback, however you are the creater of this piece and you know what you want it to achieve. Write On!*RainbowR*



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55
Review of So Far Gone  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello ~WhoMe???~ . This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for sharing your work here on WDC. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in someway helpful, however feel free to disregard if not.


*UmbrellaP*First Impressions:*UmbrellaP*

I think it takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness and courage to share a part of your life-journey on here. This short story is based on true events and there is a real transparency in the writing style. I read this, and I feel as though a friend is sat across from me, telling me just how low she feels, and how frustrated she is at the reappearing brick-wall that seems so intent on stone-walling her attempts to break free and move forward.

*UmbrellaG*My 'WOW'Moment:*UmbrellaG*

I was taken by this piece of writing very early on, because of the tone of sincerity. There is no drama in this piece of writing. The emotion comes from the heart in a very pragmatic way. As I said above, the writing is almost audible.

In life, it can be hard to put your hands up and say, I'm SO tired of trying, and yet even though that is a large part of this text, the sub-text is that the spirit and conviction to make a change do still remain. It's just that this spirit keeps getting more than its share of life's battering.

This isn't a story about giving up, it's a story of how hard it is to not give up. For all the frustration, pain and obstacles what will stay with me, is that the writer does still have a spark. Without a spark, the words would never have made their way onto paper.

I'm grateful for the additions after the story, because I really wanted to know that this person had in fact found a way to move forward.

*Umbrellar*Suggestions:*Umbrellar*

Watch out for some tense changes which just caught me off guard a little. This piece is written retrospectively therefore the tense which seems to make the most sense is the past tense. In a few places this changes, like for example:

"It was past time for me to take matters into my own hands.(past tense) It is time to step up and find a way to eliminate all of the medicines from the cabinet (present tense)."

*UmbrellaO*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:*UmbrellaO*

I wondered whether this sentence: "I had decided it was time to take my health and get it into order." might read a bit smoother as 'I had decided it was time to take control of my health' or 'I decided it was time to get my health in order'?

Ditto with this sentence: "I was too young to be taking such severe medicine and that was the latest noise from the doctors." I had to read this a couple of times to get the gist of the message. Just a thought, but it the meaning might be a little clearer with something like: 'I was too young to be taking such severe medicine and the doctors had changed their tune; they now agreed!' it also gives a sense of how you've been dancing to their tune for sometime. Just a thought, unless I've misinterpreted your meaning.*Blush*

On a final note, thank you for sharing this story/ experience. I guess I'm not the only one who can relate to one brick wall appearing after another, but for me it has always been a case of 'keeping my eye on the prize' which has got me through the darkest of times. My 'prize' is my intention to meet my grandchildren. At the moment, my eldest is 4, so I have a long way to go!

Keep Fighting and thanks again for sharing. *Smile*


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56
56
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Happy Adore♥ . This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for sharing your work here on WDC. I hope my comments are in someway helpful; they are made with the best of intentions.


*UmbrellaP*First Impressions:*UmbrellaP*

This is a delightful tale. I found it to be an amusing story based very loosely on the original fairy-tale 'The Three Pigs'. I say loosely, because the author has retained the premise of the little pigs moving out to find their own home, but that is where the similarity ends. The rest of this tale is unique, quirky, entertaining and refreshingly modern.

I love that, as with a traditional fairy-tale, there are several morals behind this tale. The piglets (bar one) don't appreciate all that their mother has provided for them, they think they know best, the don't treat others kindly or respect life, and then there is the lesson about revenge never providing the reward you desire, and that kind acts are rewarded. When I re-read this list, I'm amazed by just how many lessons are squeezed into one small story.

*UmbrellaG*My 'WOW'Moment:*UmbrellaG*

I was quite captivated by the budding romance at the end, you covered it so gently that I completely forgot about him 'murdering' her brothers. When Flowerina announces her intent for Ralph to meet her brothers I had that 'Oh no!' moment, because of course, he's blown it!

Choosing to make Ralph a salesman was a master-stroke. Of course he was a salesman! Poor misunderstood Mr Wolf. I shall be telling my children this one when they are a bit older. Without meaning to disrespect the original, this one is far better and way more appropriate for the modern child.

*UmbrellaR*Suggestions:*UmbrellaR*

I wasn't sure whether some of Ralph's solo dialogue might work a little more smoothly as thoughts. It's something to maybe consider if you read this again at any point in the future. There was something a little off-putting about the amount he had to say to no-one in particular.

*UmbrellaO*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:*UmbrellaO*

I am wary of pointing out punctuation issues as I'm so weak myself, but I spotted a couple of inconsistencies which you make want to take a look at. The first is the use of (or not) the comma at the end of a statement of speech. In some places there is a full-stop used "It depends." he said, in others nothing "I'm not interested" called Roger" and I think a comma is used too "Ah, yes", he said confidently.

Thanks again for sharing the refreshing tale. You kept me smiling all the way, and you took me back to a time when I would escape into these tales at bedtime with my Mum and Dad reading to me. Lovely! *Smile*


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57
57
Review of Strain  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon . This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" , and I'm delighted to have the opportunity to read "Strain"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, so please feel free to use and/or disregard as you see appropriate.


*UmbrellaP*First Impressions:*UmbrellaP*

I can only stand back in awe at the imagination behind this wonderfully entertaining, quirky and almost believable story. This short tale throws the reader in the middle of a viral crisis; one that threatens the population after unethical experiments with genetics bite the scientists in the proverbial rear-end.

*UmbrellaG*My 'WOW' Moment:*UmbrellaG*

A few sections in particular stood out for me. The first was the moment where I realised it was the virus speaking - this made me feel grossly uncomfortable and a little spooked! Another had to be the 'aporkalypse' which made me laugh out loud. It was so unexpected it was magic. The entire story was hyped and tense, and to deliver this little punchline at the end was as a masterstroke!

Lastly, when I sat back and re-read this again, I realised I had the same kind of feelings I would normally experience after watching an episode of Star-Trek (this is a compliment). You wrote the techo-babble with convincing mastery, and yet you kept a hint of tongue-in-cheek humour throughout. Your big-reveal was delivered with an almost overly-dramatic, drawn-out drama. This next bit I just loved:

"OK. So, just what exactly did you call me for? I'm not a virologist, for God's sake. I'm an anthropologist."
You're going to think I'm crazy but this virus is special ... very special."
"How do you mean?"
"It's intelligent."
Lisa froze, staring at him. "What the hell do you mean 'intelligent?' It's a virus."

*UmbrellaR*Suggestions:*UmbrellaR*

My only query is a logistical one involving the environment in which these discussions take place. My rational brain couldn't quite grasp why Jackson would bring Lisa into the 'secret circle' in a room where they are clearly unable to talk about it. I found it odd that he opens up the initial discussion in an unsecure location before then taking her somewhere 'safe'. It's picky and fussy of me I know, but it was something that still niggled after a second run through so I'm mentioning it. If I've missed something subtle in your writing I apologise.

*UmbrellaO*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:*UmbrellaO*

Is it 'seeming' or 'seemingly' in this sentence: "seeming human qualities"? I wasn't sure.

Thanks again for sharing. I thoroughly enjoyed this entertaining read. *Smile*

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58
58
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

Your item has been highlighted for review by "Simply Positive Review Forum " , and I am delighted to have the opportunity to read "A Few Feet Off The Ground"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, but I have limited experience reading and reviewing prose. My apologies if I miss some of subtleties associated with this style of writing.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

This short work is written from the perspective of an individual facing his last moments. The feel of this is in keeping with an individual planning to take their own life, but this idea is only implied and not explicitly described as fact. The narrative is dark, sombre and miserable in tone, and this is not a criticism. I felt my shoulders sinking further and further the more I read.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

This was a compelling read, and I think this was achieved by keeping the reader wondering what on earth had brought this person to such a climactic place and time. In that respect, I thought it flowed very well. I would tentatively question the value of the remembered memory. I love the way it is described as a defining moment, but it didn't feel enough for me. I wanted to know more.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

Some stunning language choices assist in the creation of a suffocatingly dark mood throughout. You did a great job of creating an uncomfortably grim piece of writing. My only query is that I didn't especially empathise with the character. My energies were depleted as I read this (niecly done), but I didn't feel for the individual facing the end of his life as much as I should have done. I think this might tie in with my comment regarding the childhood memory. If I felt more of the remembered pain and understood the original triggers I might then feel more for the individuals situation.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

I wasn't sure whether adding the word 'once' in this next sentence might improve the meaning on the first run through: "The vibrant colors of a world once thought possible"

I am very hesitant about pointing out improvements in punctuation (because I'm rather weak at it), but I wasn't sure whether "All around life is doing what it must to survive." needed a ',' after 'all around' (as an introductory phrase)? The first time I read it, I missed the meaning, and it made me wonder whether it was just me missing something or whether it was punctuation related! If you're a punctuation whizz, and I've got this completely wrong then I apologise. *Blush*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I had to mention this stand out line. "My heart races inside my chest, just another pointless attempt at forcing me to feel alive even though I am certainly dead inside. Stubborn to the plight of life, it will not easily relent. It will beat until the very end." Wow! This is quite stunning and extremely powerful. I have rad and re-read this line several times over because it communicates on so many levels. Gorgeous, gorgeous writing!

Thank you so much for sharing this thought provoking piece of writing. I think your use of language is very powerful.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
59
59
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Winnie Kay . This review is part of your showering from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . I'm also delighted to pay a return visit to your port as you have been a shining *Star* during my recent adventures on WDC. I hope my comments are helpful however my observations are just those of a keen reader; nothing else *Bigsmile*.


*UmbrellaP*First Impressions:*UmbrellaP*

This is an uplifting story written from the perspective of Buster the dog, as he recounts the night the Christmas tree caught fire at the paws of his co-resident Paddy the cat.

The characters of Buster and Paddy come alive in this short piece through Buster's stereotypical feelings towards his fellow house-mate. His tolerance and mild disdain make for some wonderfully amusing scenes.

*UmbrellaG*My 'WOW'Moment:*UmbrellaG*

I've never owned a dog but I do have a cat, and Paddy's behaviours echo those of my Max in every way. This meant I connected with the story very quickly, and I enjoyed some great smiles as I read. My husband and I have spent many moments watching our cat attack a hair bobble or bottle top. We have also spent hours hunting the neighborhood for our 'missing' cat only to find him objecting vociferously at the back door by the time we got home again.

This story does a wonderful job of characterising these two animals, and Buster's love for his family feels very real, as does his fear when he realises they are all at risk. The skittering across the tile floor provided an entertaining visual and an accompanying audible image which I'm sure will stay with me for the rest of the evening.

*UmbrellaR*Suggestions:*UmbrellaR*

The following line is one the few places where I thought Buster's description of his own actions didn't quite sound as authentic as they had on previous occasions: "Then, my head tilted to one side as". It followed on from "I chuffed at the ludicrous hunter" which sounded so very plausible, that it made this that bit more noticeable. My suggestion, (though I'm sure you'd come up with something far better if you did want to make a change) could be something like 'inescapable pre-programming meant I acted on impulse and I did the head-tilt thing..."

On another note, do the following two sentences contradict each other? "I reluctantly share my humans’ affections with the family feline, Paddy. I don’t like Paddy". I interpreted the first to mean that he was fond of Paddy, albeit it begrudgingly, because Paddy is part of the family, but then the next sentence made me doubt that. Perhaps something like 'I am incapable of sharing ...' However, if I've misread your intention I apologise.

*UmbrellaO*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:*UmbrellaO*

Okay, you know my grammar isn't great, so I'm hoping you'll forgive me if I'm wrong for questioning one tiny little thing.

I wasn't sure whether the tenses in these two sentences conflicted: " I have to fight the urge to relieve myself at the base of the tree. Even though it was in the house, it was still a tree to me." I apologise if I'm wrong, but it feels like present tense and then past tense.

Thanks again for sharing this lovely read. I think you have a smashing story here. While it is a perfect tale for a young audience, there is plenty of humour built in for the adult story-teller too.

My stand-out, favourite line has to be "I spotted the four legged arsonist stretched out on the patio table", how very true that the cat would take care of number 1. *Smile*


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Review of The Brave  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

Your piece has been highlighted in the "Simply Positive Review Forum " , and I'm delighted to be able to read and review "The Brave" today. My observations are made with the best of intentions, so I encourage you to heed and disregard as you see fit.

*ButterflyR*General Impressions:

A wonderful tribute to the brave men and women who do what so many of us are incapable of doing.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

A like the consistent format, it made for an easy and enjoyable read. The rhyming works well, and your language is strong and convincing.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

The first three verses encourage feelings of pride and respect. This altered slightly in the last verse where the tone changed a bit. The feelings were more in tune with being unappreciated. This is fine, but for me, it detracted a little from what had come before,

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

In verse one you say 'Stand tall friend', so it sounds like you are talking to an individual. In the last line you use the plural 'lives' implying many. Unless this is deliberate, and I've missed the point, *Blush* you may want to consider changing 'friend' to 'friends'.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I think this is a lovely tribute and a great way of making people stop and think about just how much we ask of those men and women in the forces.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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Review of Rescue me Daturas  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

You piece has been highlighted for review by The Simply Positive Group this week, and I'm delighted to take a look at 'Rescue me Daturas' today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, so please use what you wish and disregard the rest.

*ButterflyR*General Impressions:

A poem in which a Grandfather recounts the loss and suffering of his son.

*ButterflyG*Favourite Elements:

I love the reference to 'Daturas', I had to check what these were on-line, and they are quite beautiful. You references to these flowers in this poem are quite lovely.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

I like to read a poem in my mind and then read it out loud. The only thing that tripped me up a little was the change in format to a 5-line verse half-way through.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I'm a little unclear on some of the meaning behind your words, but that's one of the interesting things about poetry. One has the chance to interpret and reinterpret the abstract! Thank you for sharing.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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Review of Faerie Magic  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

*MushroomP*Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Faerie Magic'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

*MushroomO*General Impressions:

A poem that whispers to you as you read, telling the reader of hidden magics and faeries.

*MushroomB*Favourite Elements:

The first two verses I imagined whispering these words to my two children, coaxing their imaginations to picture the magic being described. I got to V3 and changed my mind, but it doesn't change that your creation was appealing.

I could picture this featuring in part of a children's story, where they find this poem and disbelieve everything they read...up until they go out into the woods and look for themselves. A little Enid Blyton-esque.

*MushroomG*Areas to Consider:

I felt as though V3, and in particular the 3rd line of V3, was a little clunky in relation to the whimsical feel of the other verses. I appreciate you were probably going for a deliberate contrast, but I quite enjoyed the light, floaty sensation you'd already established.

*MushroomP*Once again, thank you so much for sharing.

Kxx

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Review of Ancient Enemies  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

Your piece has been highlighted in the Simply Positive Forum and I'm very pleased to take a look at your poem today. You also very kindly paid me a visit earlier today, and so I'm glad to pay a return visit to your portfolio.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

This is a quirky, cleverly written acrostic poem about why cats and dogs hate each other. For such a short piece, you have provided the reader with an introduction, a brief history lesson (which provides a motive), and an ending where you illustrate the turning of the tide. As I write this, I can't quite believe you've packed so much into so few lines.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

This wasn't one of those poems which provoked a response from my senses. Instead, the words appeal on more of a thinking level, there are explanations and examples which are presented in the form of a poem. As a reader, I didn't especially feel an emotional connection with the poem, but in this instance I don't think that is a negative. It's not that type of poem. I still felt engaged and I still enjoyed the read, so to my mind, it works.

The last two lines made me smile - it is the dogs turn to get their revenge! Nicely worded.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

None.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I liked this poem and I'm still amazed by what you managed to achieve in 11 lines. From my perspective, as someone that isn't entirely in her comfort zone with poetry, the only thing I felt was missing was some sort of sensory or emotional connection. Having said that, to see that this is an acrostic poem which also makes sense is something I am personally in awe of. Particularly as I have never attempted anything of the sort myself.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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Review of My Name Is Mud  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

You have been a shining star during my visits to WDC this week, and I was simply waiting for a good time to pay a return visit your portfolio. I'm so glad I did!

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

Told in the first person, this lovely tale puts the reader in the position of a young child who is navigating her way through a school. The tradition catholic school is home to the rather eccentric Sister Colette who has a turn of phrase the young Wilma finds very confusing.

I love the dialogue in here. In particular I was quite captivated by the one-to-one Wilma has with her Grandpa. It's a very short passage, and there is little discussion of expressions or body language which might add further depth to the scene, but the dialogue is so natural, and the setting on the porch swing so comfortable that I sensed their bond and felt their affection easily.

The solo narrative delivered by Sister Colette made me smile. It took me back to my time at a Catholic Sixth Form, and the notorious Sister Calasanctius. I thought you did a smashing job of illustrating her character and demonstrating her incredible talent for using idioms in that one monologue!

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

This was such an easy piece to read. There was plenty of detail where required and each scene contributed something to the overall ending. It flowed so nicely that I felt as though I could be sitting round the table after a Sunday dinner, listening to my Grandad telling me one of his tales.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

I just adored your reference to "miniature warrior", this was a wonderful way of telling us so many details in two short words. The sign of a very accomplished writer.

When Wilma thinks she has failed her test, I had the briefest of moments where I felt her distress, and then I was grinning again as the punch line was delivered. I was glad to finish this story in a smile, albeit a wry one.

There were so many stunning examples in here, but I had to mention this last one, which still has me smiling: " long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs"

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

I can't see anything I would change. It is a delightful story just as it is.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A surprising take-away from this story is the history lesson I received! I love learning new things, and I had no idea that Dr. Mudd was behind the origin for the expression.

You've also reminded me of my own 'mini warrier', who I can now picture, chasing the boys from a neighboring college away from the school gates, with a football whistle, and I haven't thought about her for years.

Thank you for sharing!

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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Review of Rematch!  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*ButtonR* *ButtonG* *ButtonV* Hello from"Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] *ButtonV* *ButtonG* *ButtonR*


You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work. If you'd like to contact us feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"  [E]


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

I spotted your request for a review of 'Rematch' on "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E], and I'm delighted to take a look at your short story today. My observations are made with the best of intentions, and I hope that you find them helpful in some way. Please feel free to disregard any or all, as you feel appropriate.*Smile*

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

I am unfamiliar with writing for teens, so I apologise if I miss some of the nuances that come with this genre and audience.

In places there is a subtlety to your narrative which I especially liked. Some of your observations of various characters are very insightful, and with little fuss and drama you are able to share some important details. For example, "By the methodical pounding, Ricochet could tell it was "We Will Rock You" by Queen." In this one sentence you tell us that they've been together a while, that they are close and that he understands her in a way that only a boyfriend can. Really nicely done. *Smile*

Some of the narrative assumes an existing level of knowledge on the part of the reader. This isn't a problem if you've got your future audience identified. For my part, I didn't know what "Natch" meant, or 'P.S.114', and the following reference was lost on me "he thrust a thumb towards his chest".

The dialogue between boyfriend and girlfriend worked, and the dialogue between best friends was convincing.

The narrative between the MC and his best friend's little sister worked very well, particularly on the part of the younger girl. I could see her trying to work her feminine wiles because her flirtatious language tied in with matching behaviours. I was a little thrown when Ricochet started offering fashion advice, it just didn't fit with my mental image of him, but maybe it's another part to his character that could explained a little further?

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

This reads like several miniature stories put together as one larger story. I can imagine it being serialised, and I think that might suit the frequent changes in scene and pace that occur throughout. The pacing changes, and personally I felt the scene with the best-friend and the little sister was a little stilted. The best friend studying cookery was quirky, but I wasn't sure it added much value to the overall story line, and I found myself wanting to skip over this bit.

For me, the fight scene is where this piece really comes into its own. The previous scenes all work, but something about this one flows more naturally. This was the moment I escaped into the story. I felt moved, I was caught up in the drama, the action and I felt the mounting tension. In this scene, your 'voice' really shone through, you wrote as if you knew your character intimately, and you knew just what he was going through. There is more conviction, and your character was at his most believable, in this section.*ThumbsUp*

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

I liked reading Ricochet's empassioned plea as he tries to convince Camille that formalities don't matter. The choice of language works well, and his careful dusting of his manuscript is a great way of telling me how precious it is to him. I think I would have liked a better sense of how he pleaded with his girlfriend. Was he cajoling? Defensive? Dismissive?

I'd also like to understand a bit more how Camille feels in the opening few paragraphs. We are told she taps the side of her frames, and she glances at the Rocky V poster, but we don't get a sense of what she is feeling. Is she uncomfortable? Guilty? Bemused? Sarcastic? Condescending? I feel I'm missing her motivation in this scene. When she later breaks up with her I understood that you were trying to play down her side of the relationship. Perhaps you could illustrate this more with her body language in the early scene? Just a thought!

My observations of the scene where Ricochet steps in and interrupts some bullying was a great choice of topic for a teen audience. I was a little confused about whether he was meant to be the hero or whether we were meant to think he had some ego driven motive for stepping in. That leads me to the scene in the writing class. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to dislike him because of his arrogance or like him because of his inner self confidence. I felt like messages were a little mixed.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         
One thing to watch out for is a change in tense. The following sentence begins in the past tense and then changes to present tense.

"Her eyes were dull behind her glasses, regarding the words on the page like they were cancerous growths"

The observation Camille makes is a super example of showing and not telling, so you don't want to lose it, but you could consider changing it to something like this: 'Her eyes, even behind glasses, looked dull, and she regarded the words on the page....'

On a different note, something I'm working on myself is trying to declutter some of my sentences. You probably know what I'm talking about, but what I do is go through my sentences and look for superfluous words; words which stretch the sentence but don't really add any value. It can make for a cleaner read. One place where I thought you might consider applying the same technique was in this sentence:

"That was the first thing to come out of Camille St. Claire after she ran through the manuscript her boyfriend had shown her."

It's just a suggestion, but you could consider something like the following:

"They were Camille St Claire's first words once she had finished reading her boyfriend's manuscript"

One other observation is that I am told the MC is a teen on at least two occasions and then you refer to his friend who is another teen. I don't think this is necessary. The age (or thereabouts) of your characters is established quite clearly early on.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I *Heart*the reference to 80's music, it really got me into the mood for this piece. I also thought the name 'Ricochet' for a boxer was super. My instinct tells me that you've hit on a great range of subjects that a teen audience would find appealing. I found this an eye-opening read, and I was pleasantly surprised to find I enjoyed reading about a boxing match! A stand out scene in this story.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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66
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

I've just finished Ch1 Ex 1 and thought I'd see what the scene setter for this looked like. I probably should have read this first but never mind!

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

The narrative here has an almost ethereal quality to it. The place you describe and the absence of anything sensory is well described, but it's a difficult concept for the reader to wrap their head around. Simplifying a few sentences might help with this for example: "There is no memory of sound to disturb the hush",and "If senses could exist here, they would serve no purpose," are suggestions that came to mind.

I got a little confused with the narrative at one point. I could be misreading or misinterpreting your words, but I thought I'd share my thoughts just in case. It feels as if this starts off in the third person, and then you refer to "one's eye" and I was confused about whose eyes I was seeing this through - if anyones. Then we have another shadow stirring, which seems to be different to the one who observes it. So we've gone from nothing to someone, to that someone observing something else. It was a little confusing.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

Like I mentioned above, this has an unusual feel to it, almost abstract; like a human trying to find words for which there are no words. I like it, you made me think and you teased my imagination into imagining the impossible.

Some sentences are a little choppy and in some places this works very effectively, however in some places it left me feeling a bit disconnected.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

I felt uncomfortable and disconcerted. You created an eerie atmosphere which intrigued me! I also loved this sentence "Moments of nothing, strung onto a cord; a necklace of emptiness". *Smile*

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         
Nothing.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Maybe take a look at some of your one and two word sentences, some of them certainly have a place in this story, some of them might work more smoothly if they were tied in with previous sentences or expanded.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
67
67
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

You gave me an extremely helpful review fairly recently and I made a note to pay a return visit. It took me a little longer than I would normally like, but here I am! I'm delighted to have the chance to read and comment on 'Kirina - Ch 1 Ex 1'.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

This has been written in the third person and is the opening chapter to a much larger story. The main protagonist is being chased, and at the end of the chapter we see him come face to face with his foes. The narrator gives us a lot of visual detail about the environment and the climate, we know the land is cursed, and that the Prince should not be there, but we don't know why.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

You've certainly made me curious to know more, and starting your story with a chase scene is a great idea because I very quickly wanted to understand the 'why' behind the chase. For my part, this makes me think that you've got the scene well mapped out and the pacing of events works well.

What I did find when I read this through for the second and third time, is that some sentences don't flow as smoothly as they could. Some sentences didn't sound like complete sentences, but more like a continuation of the previous one. This slowed me down as I tried to get to grips with what was happening. For example:

"The rider gasped an angry, desperate prayer, or perhaps a curse, and urged his mount onwards. Through the thick underbrush, ducking under grasping branches, hoping the horse would find its way." I wasn't sure the second sentence worked as well as it could. I may be wrong so feel free to ignore, but as a suggestion I thought this might flow a little more smoothly:

"The rider gasped and sent an angry, desperate prayer into the skies. He urged his mount onwards. They tore through the thick underbrush, and as they ducked under grappling branches he hoped..."

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

Personally, I think creative imagery is one of the strongest points in this piece of writing. You choose some very evocative language and I was spoiled for choice when it came to illustrating my point. I've picked a couple of my favourites:
" the starkness of the land ahead, black, barren rock devoid of diversity" this is a gorgeous description of a desperately vacant landscape.
"foam flecked and steaming" in these three words you manage to convey the strain this animal is under under and the depth of his exhaustion.

If you were looking for areas to make this even better, my only suggestion would be to think about how you can make your reader connect more emotionally with your MC. I felt the horses exhaustion, but I didn't feel the Princes anger, frustration or exhaustion in the same way, even though you told me he was feeling these things. For example: "Anguished, he bowed his head" What did this anguish feel like? How did it hit him? Did he grip the reigns tighter? Did he grind his teeth? For example, he could beg of his horse "Stay with me old friend" which portrays and provokes more of an emotional response. I think *Blush*

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         

I think this a cracking opening to a story. The more I read it, the more I was curious to know more about the strange forest, about why the Prince has a price on his head and who the mystery helper was. It's probably one of those classic times when walking away for a few weeks and then revisiting it again later will help you see how you can really nail the delivery of this story.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I can tell that a lot of thought has gone into this chapter. The scene and the environment have all been well detailed and are utterly credible. You create a world that feels like it could exist. My rating is based on an enjoyable read, which for me would benefit from a little bit more of an emotional connection with the MC.

*RainbowL*Thank you so much for sharing and 'Write On!'*RainbowR*
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Review by MumstheWord
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Professor,

I happened upon a review of this piece a few weeks ago and it was enough to make me want to read it for myself. I'm glad I did. I don't mean for this to be a formal review I simply wanted to thank you for sharing a great story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and I thought it was a beautifully told untraditional love story.

Kx
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Review of Deep Well  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

Your piece has been highlighted by The Simply Positive Review Group and I'm delighted to have the opportunity to read and review 'Deep Well'.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

There is no dialogue in this poem, the narrative style is observational and reflective.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

The only bit that tripped me up a little was between line 2 and 3 of V1, I'm not sure why. Logically I think I wanted an additional word, the world 'the', though I appreciate poems don't need to follow logic. Thought I'd mention it anyway. *Confused*

Otherwise, this was an elegant and simple poem which flowed smoothly and was easy to read.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

Emotionally this was a very calm poem to read, I felt like I was on a gentle stroll through someones private meanderings. The writer used some lovely imagery to create these feelings, for example: "ripple the water" and "rains of rebirth" Then of course there was the most optimistic of opening lines "The sun does shine" helps to build a soothing warmth.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         
I found nothing to comment on.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A lovely read. An optimistic opening, a window of mild disorientation and then the clarity returns. Very nice.

*RainbowL*Thank you for sharing. Write On!*RainbowR*
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Review of Forgiveness  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

Your piece has been highlighted by The Simply Positive Review Group, and I'm delighted to have the opportunity to read and review 'Forgiveness'.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

This poem is narrated by an individual who is struggling to get let go of a painful old wound. There is limited dialogue in here, but what there is comes from the big guy in the sky. The tone of the dialogue is gentle and comforting, and moreover it is constant. Even though the narrator is not ready to embrace forgiveness till the end, this poem has the constant presence of 'the big guy' in the background, just waiting for when the time is right.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

This poem is written in rhyming verse. In some places the rhyming is absolutely spot on. In other places it doesn't quite work, for example, in V2 'felt' and 'help' are not so strong. Also, in the final verse 'end' and 'again'. Some readers can be very finicky about good rhyming, I think that if you want it perfect then it's worth revisiting these few lines just to see if you can 'polish' them up a bit.

The second to last verse doesn't flow quite as smoothly, I think the third line in this verse is slightly too long and unbalances the verse in relation to the rest. Overall however, I think the poem still works rather well.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

There are some moments in here where the narrators desperation come through very well. "Fall to my knees" is effective, particularly because it follows on from a previous reference to "the weight of its' burden".

The imagery in this next line was what stayed with me long after I'd finished reading this. "a knife cuts right through ‘till it's oozing again." I think this line is particularly relatable, I remember that feeling of thinking something was dealt with and then something opens the wound back up again.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         
Nothing that hasn't been captured above.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I really enjoyed this poem. It was a gentle read in spite of the anguish felt by the narrator. I knew it was going to turn out okay because of the constancy you created in the messages from 'Him'. Nicely done.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
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71
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*How did I come by your port today?

Your piece has been highlighted by the Simply Positive Review Group this week, and I'm delighted to have the chance to read and review 'Corbin the War Child'

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:

The narrator observes Corbin as he tries to hide from a bombing raid, and we gain an insight into how Corbin interprets the world around him. The style of writing is extremely effective and I felt a sense of 'disassociation' as I saw things from Corbin's perspective. The narrator has cleverly created a piece in which the tone and feel fully reflect the challenges this child faces, as he tries to make sense of the world where access to emotion and feelings are limited.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:

There were a few places where the writing was choppy due to short sentences. Normally this might prove to be an obstacle to the reader, however in this piece it worked. I think this is because when put hand in hand with the narrative style, the reader completely understands that this is tied in with the child needing to process everything in bite sized chunks.

A couple of places I felt there was a slightly excessive use of the word 'he'. For example: "Curling into the tightest ball he could, he rocked from side to side. He shivered". Just a suggestion but you could eliminate one of these with the following: "Curling into the tightest ball possible, he rocked from side to side."

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:

I loved the part where Corbin changes his perception of his Mother. He starts by associating her with discomfort because she touches him and he doesn't like this. Then he hears a melody and misses her and finally, he welcomes her embrace. These changes were touching to read.

The contrast between the burning wreckage around him and the cook grass he wakes upon works very well and immediately make the reader question where he is.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         
I think this is a typo: " illuminating a world of a world of rubble and wreckage"

I'm not entirely sure this sentence works: "The blasts magnified, and high pitched sirens drawing near and faded out of earshot." Should it be 'drew' near? I'm not sure, maybe it's one to think about.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I thought this was a beautiful read, well crafted and moving to read. After a second read through, I decided Corbin hadn't surived the bombing, but that he did meet with his Mother on the other side, where he was able to connect emotionally with her. So, in spite of the sad ending I still felt emotionally satisfied.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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72
Review of "Free"  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Free'. I appreciate that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

A quirky tale in which the MC can see things happening one moment, and the next moment he realises he hasn't seen what he thought at all.

Favourite Elements:

There is something very compelling about the idea you have here. After the second 'instance' I suspected the glasses had something to do with what your MC was seeing. However, even if it wasn't the glasses, the fact that the man could see a possible alternative scenario playing out in front of him is a fascinating concept for a story.

If you can address some of the technical issues, you definitely have the imagination to take this story further.

I especially like that you take every days situations (like a car crash) and play out an extreme reaction.

If you tighten the wording a little, the following is a very vivid and unpleasant image which worked very well: "his brains painted the sidewalk".

Areas to Consider:

You might want to take a look at the flow of this work. It feels a bit stilted to read and I think that is due to the nature of your sentences. Many are very short (which in short bursts is ok in itself), but some are not always complete sentences. This prevents the reader from really getting into your story. In some cases the addition of an extra word will help the sentence make sense. E.g: "His shirt is untucked but well pressed. White and unbuttoned, his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows.

You also 'tell' us a lot of details, some of which are repeated several times unnecessarily. For example you mention his case quite a bit and I had to resist the urge to start 'skipping' ahead.

Starting the sentence with 'he' so often gives for a repetetive feel. It can push the reader away and when there is more than one 'he' being discussed it can be confusing.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


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73
73
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Why Do Cowgirls Love Their Horses'. I personally find lyrics quite difficult to review therefore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel.

General Impression:

The author tells us that this is a little ditty about why women love to ride horses. It certainly is a light hearted read with a few 'tongue in cheek' moments which made me smile.

Favourite Elements:

I particularly liked that there was a lot of energy in these words. Without a melody I'm a little lost, but I was still able to imagine the spirit with which this might be sung.

Areas for further consideration:

Not that this matters when the words are sung, but in a couple of places I think you mean they're rather than their. E.g 'Cowgirls love it when they're riding high"

I didn't understand the line 'my daddy thinks they're lazy either. Daddy thinks who is lazy?

Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

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Review of how you say it  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work entitled. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:

This poem talks about lots of different things but in particular it tries to convey those times when words simply aren't enough to communicate effectively a persons feelings.

Favourite Elements:

I loved this line in particular "a look cannot be spoken though you say with your eyes" because it is a simple yet highly effective choice of words. So much can be seen in a persons eyes that might never be said out loud.

"if you mean what you say then how you say it cant be wrong" I thought this was rather poetic and quite thought provoking. It made me think of times when I'd spoken from the heart without thinking; sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse!

Areas for further consideration:

The first half of this poem felt strong, I understood the message and the meaning was consistent. The latter half seemed to go off-track a bit and turned more into a place to capture of lot of thoughts as they occured. This is fine, but it made the poem feel a bit disjointed. Just a thought!

Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

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75
75
Review of The Vortex Veneer  
Review by MumstheWord
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Vortex Veneer'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

The title of this piece caught my eye first. Vortex and veneer in the same sentence had me puzzled and hooked from the word go. I had to know what on earth it was all about!

Favourite Elements:

You gave us a whole heap of wonderful techno-babble and then delivered the punch-line. It was simply delivered, quality writing. Fab!

Areas to Consider:

Nothing that I can think of. This quirky little tale really appealed *Smile*

Once again, thank you so much for sharing.

Kxx

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