I like that this short, sweet poem feels like it has been written from the heart, and in the moment. It reminds me of words my mum would say to me as I was growing up about trying your best - that's all you can do.
The first two lines imply that there is going to be some sense of rhyme or rhythm to the piece but it actually becomes a free style poem. Of course this is fine, it just tripped me up a little on the first read through.
Suggestions would be to look for alternatives to the words 'path' 'many' and 'choose' so that the poem does not narrow the readers train of thought but expand it. Purely an opinion though.
I read this last night but I was too tired to write anything even remotely sensible!!
I was reallly surprised when I read this - I had absolutely no idea where it was going which was a great feeling and not easy to achieve in so few words and such a short moment in time!
A really nice snap shot into a window in time - I think you created a great sense of atmosphere and built up emotion.
My only suggestion, and it isn't based on any expertise, just a personal preference is that I find repeated use of a characters name distances me from them (not sure why). I just like to be reminded of it every now and again. Is there some rule of thumb about that? I'm hopeless and always forget to remind the reader of my characters names!
One other thought that has just sprung to mind is based on some feedback I had about one of my stories. The gist of it (if I try to translate it to this story) is to use your descriptions of the bombing (sounds - scream of falling bombs, tearing - apart of the city) and use those same or similar references to describe the emotions of your character - so that horrific events outside and the trauma of child brith are almost one in the same - up until the point that her perfect bundle of perfection is placed in her arms - and all becomes well in the world (for a brief window!).
Hope that helps in some way!! Does it even make sense?
Really good idea for a story. Especially well delivered for 300 words! I've rated it high because of this fact, but I'd love to see what you could do with an extra 200 words!!
I've also given you back yout 75 GPs as it is a pleasure to read your stories!
Ah -this was so much fun to read! I loved how the humor was wound around the military jargon that popped up throughout. I enjoyed the very po-faced way in whcih you tackled the story, letting the comedic value of the subject take center stage without having to resort to simply 'saying funny things'.
I was fascinated by the seemingly country wide phenomenon of streaking. Over the pond it is a bit of a rartiy, saved for the occasional cricket match or football game!
Smashing idea for a story, very imaginative and open to so much more too....
I liked the couples dialogue, it was realisitic and warm in tone - I could really imagine being stood behind them listening in and smiling at their banter style chit-chat.
A couple of small things I noticed, please take these as mere observations not an expert opinion!
1. I was unsure how the wife knew the train was supposed to be crowded (your ticket machines may be more informative than ours over the pond!)
2. The first bit of this sentance didn't quite make sense to me though in the context of the whole paragraph I understood what you were getting at. Perhaps you don't need the first 'again'.
"Funnily enough again, however, the scene didn’t seem to change; it was all the same after a certain point, passing again and again."
3. If (and I say 'if' because you may have something different in mind) but if, your young soldier has indeed been on the train how come he isn't as 'aware' as the couple and how come he hasn't gone crazy?
Please feel free to disregard these of course!!
Like I said initially , I think there is potential for a larger story here and I'd love to know if you revisit and expand on this great idea.
This is quite beautiful! Even made me wobble a little :) Again - I feel the strength is in the sincerity and it resonates because I too am a parent and honestly know no deeper love than that for a child.
I've just had an email with some advice about rhyming poetry so I thought I'd mention it, please don't think I'm trying to be afountain of knowledge, but I found this helpful! I've actually cut and pasted this from my e-mail ignore if I'm telling you something you already know - apologies)
"in poems like where there is a strong rhyming pattern (yours is A,A,B,B) the rhythm (which helps easy reading aloud) could be enhanced by a consistent number of syllables in each line. This doesn't necessarily mean that every line has to have the same number of syllables, more that mostly throughout a poem it's good for there to be consistency between the respective lines of each verse (i.e. first line of verse 1 is the same as verse 2 and so on). "
I am so new to poetry it is almost embarrassing so I can give you little constructive feedback regarding style or form. What I can do is tell you how your poem made me feel.
I really connected with your words, and the emotion behind them - it was real, honest and touching. It tapped into feelings I have about my brother who I also think watches over me and mine, I like that there is hope mixed in with the sense of loss. For some of us, it can take a long time to get to that place.
The only comment I have, perhaps the one which made me hesitate over the '5' was line 3 and line 5, which both ended on the same word and for some reason (probably only to me so please feel free to totally ignore) momentarily stunted my rhythm.
Overall what struck home the most was the sincerity in your words.
This is such a pretty, forlorn little tale, so very sweet and also quite sad.
I liked that it's a gentle lesson in how things have to change inspite of what we might want or what might be best.
I was trying to think what preented me giving it a 5 and the only thing would be an additional verse, perhaps where the little snowflake didn't listen to his wiser siblings about staying away!
Ah I loved it, I'm hopeless at animal stories - anything like this has me blubbing like a nutter. I really felt for that little puppy and was so relieved that he found a nice home.
I liked the description of the 'manicured hand' though for some reason I thought it was going to lead to a more sinister character (I got that wrong!!)
I love the connection that you illustrated through their shared dream and I was VERY relieved that they found the other puppy.
I wasn't sure I entirely understood how the lone puppy in the tree trunk had survived when their other brothers and sisters hadn't and the implication at the shelter was that Augie had been having bad dreams for a while - please tell me if I did miss something here as I probably did.
Anyway - I'll be popping back to read more of your stuff so thank you for a lovely read.
I really like this - it was very thought provoking. The premise of 'Soul MAtes' in one that fascinates me (so much that I've written a YA novel about the idea of Twin Flames), you illustrated the connection beautifully.
Have you ever read what Plato says about Twin Flames?
Super, a joyful read. I hoped and hoped that he would get the option at the end - my only disappointment is that I really want to know what hapens next.
Favourite sentance is another of your humor filled best:
"four minutes of work missed due to lateness was a tragedy, but fifteen minutes missed due to lecture was fine"
The humor you inject into your writing is one of my favourite things about your work!
I really enjoyed this read. I strongly empathised with the main character, not because of the situation per-se but because of the way you dramatised the growing stress and anxiety. As I read I remembered those exact feelings; and I just loved how you incorporated the repetative reverse counting - I myself sing xmas carols (in my head) when I'm that anxious and you completely tapped into those feelings.
What I espeically loved is that I was chuckling as I read too!!
The only question I had left was about the man left in the car - from the way you described him I felt like I was expecting more from his character.
A marvelous, romantic idea for a story, what a delightful, day dream of away to show how love changes everything - and how right you are. Even sprouts taste beter when you're in love!
I keep coming back to your work as I really enjoy the way you write, you take the reader with you on a journey.
Broke my heart to read this, you got inside the heart and mind of that sad little girl so beautifully.
All I wanted to do was put my arms around her and tell her it'll get better and to forgive herself a simple, childish prank - I was so pleased her Grandma pretty much did it for me!
This sounds like the introduction to a very sweet teenage love story; many readers will relate to that feeling of being uprooted and moved unwillingly to somewhere allien. It was nice to see a supportive mother in the background - or maybe she isn't?
If you are looking for suggested improvements then my main comment centres around your delivery. I suspect you may have used full-stops where you intended to use commas or semi-colons - the effect of this makes the writing seem a bit broken, perhaps disjointed. Take a look at this and you mind find it reads a little more smoothly - just a suggestion tho!
Brilliant! Absolutely briliant - such a fund read. I was hooked from the outset tying to work our what was happening and I must have changed my on who the main protagonist was at least 3 times. I laughted outloud when I realised it was a guinea pig!
What a super idea, so well executed too. My only - tiny suggestion is that I don't think you actually have to spell out the 'I was her pet'. This is because to my mind you let us know this in a super subtle way without saying the exact words.
I really enjoyed this read - a very mischievous twist on the extra marital affair scenario.
I particularly love the line 'it was glorious to watch her' because to start with I felt it was his love/infatuation making him appreciate her appearance but as you deliver the rest of the story I realised it was more about the sweet, sweet taste of revenge/justice!
This is lovely with a great sense of humor running throughout.
The moment the dedicated batchelor has his epiphany is a great subject to tackle.
Your story left me smiling and remembering the conversation I had with my husband very early on about presents with plugs - we agreed he should avoid said items and I similarly agreed to avoid EVER buying him socks!!
I think I fell in love with your idea - writing the history of a relationship that has spanned over 20 years and begins at the tender age of 5 is just the sweetest idea. I think it resonated because my 4 year old has just started school and has a love hate relationship with a little girl in his class!!
Anyway - I think the beauty of what you are writing lies in the simplicity of the story and the narrative. As a general observation I think you change tense quite often and that leaves the reader having to think more about where we are in time as opposed to what is happening in the tale.
If you can address some of the changes in tense I think it will make for a smoother read.
I would say this much however - I finished this and went to look for the next installement so I've already read your 'Physics Lesson'.
This is just beautiful to read. Honestly, it made me ache thinking of all those lovely experiences and the pain that makes them all the more poignant.
A long, long time ago I was very, very ill - I had neither the imagination nor the talent to put into words how wonderful the world felt when I woke up from it all. You just achieved that in a few brief paragraphs.
My favourite piece of writing on this site so far.
I may need a short break from reading some of your work now though as it's an extremely emotional to read.
Keep Writing.
K.
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