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51
51
Review by Neko ♥ Away
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Rated: E | (2.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, the world ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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Wow, what a story! This is a really exciting and exceptional tale. For Maya to have gone through so much... well, it really makes me sad. She is such a strong character. I can easily relate to how devastated and confused she is after she is separated from her family. You've really brought an amazing character to life. *Smile*

The plot is really interesting, because it's from a non-American's view point. I haven't read many stories similar to this, so I have found that your tale is unique.

From my eyes, there is nothing wrong with the plot. It's actually rather strong, because of how unusual it is and the reality of it. However, your weakness lies in mechanics. I think though, that this is probably due to the fact that English is not your native language. Am I right? If this is the case, I hope that you'll continue to progress in your mastery of the English language, because I can definitely tell that you have a talent for story telling. *Smile*

If you correct what I mention in the "Suggestions" section, please send me an email and I will see about re-rating this item. You have done very well with this, so please do not be discouraged by the amount of edits coming up. The reason there are so many is because I truly want to help you. If you have ANY questions, do not hesitate to ask.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*It was on the morning of the first day of the week.
What was? *Confused* Try not to start out a story with something so vague.

*Bullet*I prepared everything for my first day of high school. I couldn't wait until the alarm woke me up. I got up earlier than usual and made my breakfast. I got out a small bread and the meat that my mom cooked yesterday. I put them together, and walked to the table. I poured the glass of milk and enjoyed my breakfast.
These are choppy sentences. Notice how they all begin with "I"? I try to stay away from repeating a sentence's first word consecutively (or more than twice). If you connect some of these sentences, I think it will help the flow and readability of your story. (You could also possibly omit some actions... we don't need to know EVERYTHING she does unless it is seriously important to the story)... Ex. "I prepared everything for my first day of high school early in the morning; I didn't even wait for the alarm clock to wake me up. When I finally had time to eat breakfast, I got a small piece of bread and some of the meat Mom had cooked yesterday. As I put them together, I walked to the table and took a seat, then poured some milk in a glass and enjoyed my breakfast." (Note: This is just one example of how you could change the structure. There are plenty of options, and I'm definitely not saying mine is the most correct.)

*Bullet*" Good luck! my dear!"
You have an extra space here, also, use a comma instead of an exclamation mark after "Good luck".

*Bullet*"Hey, sorry about the waiting"
We need a period after "waiting".

*Bullet*"Not the big deal!"
Instead of "the", I think it should be "a".

*Bullet*(fight! In my country mean: ready to enter the new school!)
This should either be "In my country it means" or "In my country means". The latter would be correct if you took out the exclamation after "fight".

*Bullet*Trinh said with the proudly sound, " Of course! I already ready in three months ago"!".
"The proudly sound" should be "a proud sound" (or even "a proud voice"). The latter part of the sentence, "I already ready in three months ago", should probably be "I've been ready for three months!" or "I was already ready three months ago!".

*Bullet*On the way to school, I could feel the fresh air from the enormous field that go along to the street.
I would suggest revising this. Ex. "On the way to school, I could feel the fresh air from the enormous field that went along the street."

*Bullet*It brought to me so much of courage and a new hope of my future.
Suggestion: "It brought to me so much courage and new hope for my future."

*Bullet*“ How you feel when you ride the new bicycle, hah?” Trinh asked.
I'd suggest changing the beginning of the sentence to "How do you feel..."

*Bullet*The reason that my parents didn’t let me ride the bicycle because they were afraid I had accident or something bad happened to me.
Suggestion: "The reason that my parents didn't let me ride the bicycle, was because they were afraid that I would have an accident or that something bad would happen to me."

*Bullet*So, I determined to tell them how much I wanted to ride the bicycle like another kids.
Suggestion: "So, I was determined to tell them how much I wanted to ride the bicycle like other kids."

*Bullet*How wonderful that is?”
Should be "How wonderful is that?"

*Bullet*“I am assure!” Trinh followed.
Should be "I am sure!"

*Bullet*However, for somebody, our school was really, really, and really small and poor.
Suggestion: "However, for some people, our school was really, really, really small and poor."

*Bullet*Each classroom also didn’t have enough material, such as heat, air conditioner, TV, computer for teacher, or slide projector.
Suggestion: "Each classroom also didn't have enough materials, such as heat, air conditioner, TV, a computer for the teacher, or a slide projector."

*Bullet*Our school even didn’t have the computer labs.
Suggestion: "Our school didn't even have any computer labs."

*Bullet*So, when we had exam or test, our teacher had to write the exam by their own hand and copied to us, and we had to pay for the paper that our teacher had copy. One way that our high school was different from another countries was we always used pen, a small notebook, and each student had to buy their own textbooks at the county.
Suggestion: "So, when we had an exam or test, our teacher had to write the exam with their own hand and copy it for us, and we had to pay for the paper. One way that our high school was different from another countries, was that we always had a pen, a small notebook, and each student had to buy their own textbooks at the county."

*Bullet*Everyday, we had to take the note for every classes except P.E. Each note was long at least one page, and on the next day, the teacher would called three student to said what they wrote yesterday without looking at their notebook. This was also reason for every student didn’t want to be called on.
Entered the new environment, Trinh and I felt a little afraid. Juniors and Seniors were very welcome us. Usually, the first day of school was the day that saluted the flag of our country.

Suggestion: "Everyday we had to take notes for every class except P.E. Each note was at least one page long, and on the next day the teacher would call three students to say what they wrote yesterday without looking at their notebooks. This was also the reason why every student didn't want to be called on. Trinh and I felt a little afraid when we entered the new environment. The Juniors and Seniors were very welcoming to us though. Usually, the first day of school was the day that we saluted the flag of our country."

*Bullet*Suddenly, my classmates and I heard the big sound of boom. The principle advised every student, and told us to go home.
Suggestion: "Suddenly, my classmates and I heard the sound of a big boom. The principle advised every student to go home."

*Bullet*I had the hard time to find my bicycle because students just ran in.
Suggestion: "I had a hard time finding my bicycle because students just ran out." (I said "out" because they were told to go home, so they must have been leaving the school. If this is incorrect please just change "out" back to "in". *Smile* )

*Bullet*At that time, the gray clouds covered the Sun, the day became somber.
Instead of the second comma, use a semi colon. Otherwise this is a comma splice. Ex. "At that time, the gray clouds covered the Sun; the day became somber." By the way, I don't think you need to have "sun" capitalized.

*Bullet*The Nhitruong’s street was usually covered with mud because Nhitruong was just the small town that was located in South Vietnam.
The word I have in bold, "the", should probably be "a".

*Bullet*During the Cold War, we had no time to fix the road because one way we had to take care of the rice fields, another way was we had to face with the war between the two type of government: Communism and Democracy.
Suggestion: "During the Cold War, we had no time to fix the road because we either had to take care of the rice fields or we had to face the way between the two types of government: Communism and Democracy."

*Bullet*It had fully of natural nourishment. For that reason, most people in my area became the farmers. We had such a good life when we lived here if the war didn’t began.
Suggestion: "It was full of natural nourishment. For that reason, most people in my area became farmers. We would have had such a good life while we lived here if the war hadn't began." (Not sure if this is totally correct; may want to get some other opinions).

*Bullet*The most importance was I didn’t see my father.
Suggestion: "The most important thing was that I didn't see my father."

*Bullet*I always grew up in the good environment which cover with the fully of my parents’ love, my relatives’ love, my neighbors’ love, and my friends’ love. I was an egg that was and protected from a lot of people around me.
Suggestion: "I always grew up in a good environment which was covered fully by my parents' love, my relatives' love, my neighbors' love, and my friends' love. I was an egg that was protected from a lot by people around me."

*Bullet*The woman wore the black clothes and white sunbonnet.
Suggestion: "The woman wore black clothes and a white sunbonnet."

*Bullet*I could assure that she had good personalities by looking at her face. She gave me a blue handkerchief to wipe my eyes, I guessed.
Suggestion: "I was assured that she had a good personality by looking at her face. She gave me a blue handkerchief to wipe my eyes." (No need to have "I guessed" tacked on the end.)

*Bullet*That blue handkerchief was likedthe gift from paradise to protect my eye. And that blue handkerchief like the new hope of my future to let me depend on it. She said the lower tone,
Suggestion: "That blue handkerchief was a gift from paradise to protect my eyes. And the blue handkerchief let me depend on it like it was the new hope of my future. She said in a lowered tone,"

*Bullet*I answered with the water in my eyes, “ I got lost from my parents, and I didn’t know where I am going to do?”
She gracefully lead my hand, “Don’t be scare!

Suggestion: I answered with water in my eyes, [I got separated from my parents, and I don't know what I'm going to do!" She gracefully held my hand, "Don't be scared!] (Just putting brackets around this one because it has quotes in it. By the way, you could also say "She gently held my hand" instead.)

*Bullet*“ But I don’t know who are you” I said because my parents always taught me that don’t listen to the person you didn’t know them.
“I’m Anh, the church woman” She answer.
I wanted to listen to my parents but I really scared. So I was quiet and go with her. She guided me to the small church that called “Hand”.

Suggestion: ["But I don't know who you are,"I said, because my parents always taught me that you shouldn't listen to a person if you don't know them.
"I'm Anh, the church woman," she answered.
I wanted to listen to my parents, but I was really scared. So I was quiet and went with her. She guided me to the small church that was called "Hand".]


*Bullet*She gave me the clothes to change. I thought the clothes were sewed by her because I saw a lot of tattered. After I changed my clothes, I still kept the blue handkerchief because I looked at as a lucky thing.
Suggestion: "She gave me clothes to change into. I thought the clothes were sewn by her because I saw a lot of tattered threads. After I changed my clothes, I still kept the blue handkerchief because I looked at it as a lucky thing."

*Bullet*Her name was Bi and she was shorten than me, little fat, and very clever. That night, even though I had the good place to rest, but I still afraid and missed my parents a lots. I cried quietly, so another people couldn’t hear. Bi slept very comfortable. I could hear the loud sound come from her mouth. I couldn’t sleep for all night.
Suggestion: "Her name was Bi and she was shorter than me, a little fat, and very clever. That night, even though I had a good place to rest, I was still afraid and missed my parents a lot. I cried quietly so other people couldn't hear. Bi slept very comfortably. I could hear a loud sound come from her mouth."

*Bullet*Days by days, I waited, and waited, and waited for the news of my parents.
Both "Days" should be "day". Ex. "Day by day..."

*Bullet*She said, “you have to take care of your health, that way when your parents come to see you, they would be happy if you have such a good life in our church.” I listened to her, and helped another people. Everyday, the church had more than one adopts got lost of their parents, or their relative, or they was abandoned. I helped Anh church to take care of the kids that smaller than me.
Suggestion: [She said, "You have to take care of your health, that way when your parents come to see you they will be happy that you have had such a good life in our church." I listened to her, and helped other people. Everyday the church had more than one child adopted because they lost their parents or relatives, or they were abandoned. I helped Anh church take care of the kids that were smaller than me.]

*Bullet*Later on, every people were very good to me and they also loved me. The hold in my heart little by little had recuperated by the loves of the people in the Hand’s church. Church became my second home in my life, and I couldn’t live without it. Unfortunately, passed for many years, I had no news about my parents, but I still hoped that they would come back soon, and they wouldn’t forget me, either.
Suggestion: "Later on, everyone was very good to me and they also loved me. The hole in my heart, little by litter, had recuperated by the love of the people in Hand's church. Church became my second home during my life, and I couldn't live without it. Unfortunately, many years passed and I still had no news about my parents, but I still hoped that they would come back soon and that they wouldn't forget me either."

*Bullet*IN THE DESCRIPTION: What will happen to the young teenager when she lost contract with her parents?"
Suggestion: "What will happen to a young teenager when she loses contact with her parents?"


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*


Thank you so much for sharing this story with me. *Smile* I have no doubt that you will continue to grow as a writer, and I can't wait to see it! Keep writing with your heart.

Hugs,
-Neko

P.S. I have a question, is the story supposed to be in broken English? If it is, I apologize. (And if it is, you should probably make a note of it somewhere. *Smile* )


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52
52
Review of Promise Me  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, Sweet Ry ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

What sweet lyrics! You've beautifully portrayed the speakers feelings for his love, and as a reader I could clearly understand. The flow was nice throughout and I thought, for the most part, the lyrics were very well done.

You did have some problems with grammar, punctuation, etc, but this can be easily remedied with a quick edit. Other than that, I was wondering what type of song this was supposed to be. Some of the grammar made me wonder if it was a hip hop or rap-like, but the lyrics themselves made me think pop or soft rock. I would certainly love to hear the music behind these lyrics.

If it was your intention to have incorrect grammar, you should probably make a note of it either in the description or in the item (stating why, etc).

Below I have included the errors that I noticed...

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Now if you ever been in love
Unless it's supposed to be grammatically incorrect (for rap or something), then "you" should be "you've". There are some other instances of this. If it was not your intention to be ungrammatical, let me know and I'll point them out if you need me to.

*Bullet*I can’t barely breath
I can’t barely breath

Both of these should be "I can barely breath".

*Bullet*When your close to me.
"Your" should be "you're".

*Bullet*In the empty world I once was known
Shouldn't this be phrased differently? Ex. "In the empty world I once had known".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. These are your lyrics, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for sharing your song with me! Please let me know if you need help with anything in the future.

Hugs,
-Neko


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53
53
Review of Heaven On Earth  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, Courtney ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is a really intriguing poem, Courtney. The meaning of this poem, that we should stop fighting and start giving, is lovely; this is a message I hope many will choose to follow. There's no doubt the subject of the poem is good. The poem also almost starts off like a riddle, which certainly made me smile! (Boy, I love riddles...) But as we get into the meat of this thing, flow goes off course. Basically, you lost your initial rhyme midway and didn't pick it up but once more later in the poem.

Here's what I mean:
"Burning up or floating to?
Which would you pick out of two?
Burning hurts and turns you greedy
Floating lifts and keeps you leading"

All of the above lines have an end rhyme. "To" rhymes with "two" (though, this is something I would consider changing...) and "greedy" rhymes with "leading" (though vaguely, but that's alright!). But let's see what happens after this...

"Which would you pick?
It's not much of a discision
So why can't we just have heaven on earth?
Stop the fighting and the killing,"

Notice that none of the end words rhyme in this set. Personally, I think it would be okay if they didn't rhyme as long as there was some sort of flow; however, the flow stops immediately when the rhyme in this poem dissipated. Thus, I think it would be in your best interest to try and rewrite some of these lines so that they go better with the rest of the poem.

Now, let's get out of the mechanics and go into the meat of the poem. I really liked the idea, but I wasn't sure what you were trying to portray. I THINK I might have the right idea, but I'm questioning it. This is what I'm talking about: "Burning up or floating to?" What does this mean? Does "burning up" imply hell and "floating to" imply heaven? If so, why is it "floating to"? To me, that looks more like a forced rhyme than anything. If it would be possible to take it out, and choose another word, I think you should do it.

Also, if you give us a little bit more description (just a LITTLE bit of imagery) then I'll have less of a problem knowing what this poem is about (for the line I mentioned, at least). I got what the rest of the poem meant, for the most part, I'm just mainly having trouble with that one line.

Another thing you may want to make use of, is periods. Otherwise, some of the lines lead into another one when they should not. Giving us a period allows us to know where one thought stops and another begins.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*It's not much of a discision
"Discision" is misspelled. It should be spelled: "decision". BOTH instances of this line need to be corrected.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Keep up the good work! *Smile* I really did like this poem, and you should be proud about it. However, I'm positive you can make it even BETTER than it is right now. If you do edit, please let me know... I'd love to re-read and re-rate! *Bigsmile* I can't wait to see you grow during your time on this site.

If you need help with anything, feel free to ask. Hugs,
-Neko


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54
54
Review of Don't Worry Mom  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
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Rated: E | (2.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, ToddF ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Subject: This is such a sweet poem to your mother, Todd. I do hope you showed it to her. Any parent would be glad to know how much their child loves them and that they are GLAD they were raised in a certain way. The emotion in this reaches out to the reader. Nice job on that.

Format/Body: I felt that, though the subject was nice, there could have been more added to the body. This is an extremely short poem for dealing with such a heartfelt issue. If you could give us more emotion, more love, and overall more material... I think it would seriously help this piece. Also, the format is in more of a letter than a poem. If you break this into shorter stanzas, it would help readability and presentation. This is the portion of your poem that is bringing it down the most for me. If you can SHOW us some of your emotion, instead of tell... well, there's no doubt in my mind that it would make this a splendid poem dedicated to your mother. Right now we don't know much about the situation, nor much about you and your mother's relationship.

Technical Stuff: Wonderful. I didn't spot any errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Keep up the good work. I'm sure you will continue to grow in your writing during your stay here! *Kiss* Also, if you edit this item and would like me to re-rate/review it, please send an email to me.

Hugs,
-Neko


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55
55
Review of Wicked Puppy  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, I Wolf ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This poem is actually quite intriguing. You wrote from the perspective of a puppy, which made it all the more interesting... especially since this isn't your usual cute and happy pup. I thought you portrayed the inner beast of animals quite well, but it also implies that there was probably something wrong with the puppies life so far. Was the puppy abused previously? That is one of the questions that came to my mind as I read.

Actually, after I reread the poem, the poem could also just stand for a person who has been betrayed and betrays others. Either way the poem is meant, I find it fascinating that it can mean so many different things.

I think this poem has a lot of promise. It's good as it is right now, but there is no doubt in my mind that you could make it even better. If you lengthen the poem a bit and give some more detail/description, I think it will make for a fantastic poem. Right now, you're pretty much telling us what happened rather than showing, which is the main problem I had with this piece. (It's more like prose than poetry, as well.)

Didn't see any problems with grammar/punctuation/spelling, so you're all good there. *Smile* (Unless I missed something). Great job! *Thumbsup*

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

I hope you continue to write and share. There is no doubt your talent will grow as you continue to work hard. *Kiss* I can't wait to see your progress. If you ever need anything, or if you edit this piece, please let me know. Note that I am willing to re-rate (and possibly re-review) if I feel you have made significant changes. Keep up the good work.
-Neko


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56
56
Review of Useful Software  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
Such an old item, but a very useful one! I've had computer problems before, and if I'd know about this item sooner.... well, let's just say it probably would have saved me a lot of grief. I'm favoriting this for future reference, just in case I need to access some of those sites you listed. I notice that the end of the article indicates that more may be added in the future; however, it's been a while since you've updated. On that note, I wanted to tell you that I think it would be wonderful if more was ever added. People are always having computer problems, and some of these links may just save them from a sticky situation.

I didn't notice any errors and the page is pleasing to the eyes.

Thanks for providing such a useful and easy to understand article! *Smile*
-Neko
57
57
Review by Neko ♥ Away
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Blush* Hello, Author00 ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is an intriguing story and very imaginative on your part. I can't say that I've ever read a novel about something like this before. Your characters are all unique and well built; however, I felt like character interaction was a little stale. One example of this is Stanley's long speech to Willie... Willie is not reacting at all during this entire speech, which seems rather odd. No, he reacts afterward, which is weird since it WAS such a long speech. Other portions of character interaction could also be spiffed up.

Some of the descriptions get long winded. I had a tough time paying attention to the story, because of "explaining". It's hard for the reader when you throw everything at them in the beginning. Try taking it slow and explaining things little by little as the story goes on; this way the reader won't get bored.

I think you've got something here that could be really great, but it has a great deal of punctuation errors, etc, and could use a good edit. Your sentence structure was usually very good, so no problems there... all in all, this was good, but could be a lot better with a little extra work and some revisions.

(I won't list errors because there are a few too many and I noticed some other reviewers already pointed them out.)




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for sharing. If you ever revise this, let me know. I'm willing to re-rate it (and re-review, if I have time).
-Neko


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58
58
Review by Neko ♥ Away
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Harry ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow, I really love this poem. It tells a tale like no other. I don't think I've ever heard a canine's howl explained quite this way. You did a wonderful job at entrancing the reader and bringing them into the past, when all life began. I had no problems following along and I didn't see any errors except for one (which could be argued).

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and interesting poem. Every time I hear a canine howl, I'll be thinking of this.



Suggestions:

*Bullet*constitutes the angels’ wailing in sorrow in disguise.
I felt that having two "in"s so close together is a little awkward, also, that the first "in" may not be appropriate. My suggestion is to replace the "in" with the word "of".


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Again, thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed this poem. *Heart*
-Neko



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Review by Neko ♥ Away
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, Sophy ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This was a heartbreaking poem about the loss of your father. I liked the fact that it was written as one's consciousness would run. The lack of punctuation is no problem and actually enhances the poem by entrancing the reader. Everything was generally worded well and poetically.

Though I really enjoyed the poem, I did have a lot of trouble understanding it at first. I had to reread it several times (and check a few previous reviews on it...) in order to finally understand what was going on. I'm not sure if it was the way I was reading it, but the first time around I almost thought the speaker was happy about her father dying. (Don't ask why, I'm not really sure).

I think right here is what lost me:
"except for the cat who slept
as if this were the most natural thing
his chest rising and falling
tormented by every breath..."

After that, I got a bit confused. Mainly because of the turn from cat, to his. If you put "father" instead, it might get rid of the confusion.

This too:
"the spaces between them lengthening
until finally even she left her perch
as if, after all, she couldn't bear it,"

For some reason, I thought it was the mocking bird leaving, because of the word "perch".

At the end, mainly because of the above parts, I wasn't sure why the speaker didn't care for mocking birds until the day her/his father died. This was because I hadn't even understood that he had died on the same day that the mocking bird was there (and because I first thought it was the cat's chest rising and falling...).

I think this is probably a lot of misunderstandings from my part, but it also made me wonder if things could be just a *little* bit more clear. Other than that though, I thought this was extremely well written. Great job!



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thanks for sharing! Hugs,
-Neko


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Review of My Father is Sick  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, Broski ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is such an emotional piece. Though it comes off a bit stiff at first, it really hits its stride near the end of the first paragraph. The importance of this piece is huge, considering the topic. So many of us do not realize what our fathers (or mothers!) do for us... what they sacrifice. You've shown that quite well. I liked the way you structured your sentences for the most part, and the emotional aspect was well done. Great job!

There are a few things that could be worked on. Those areas are: punctuation, spacing, overall length, and transition.

I saw some run-on sentences, comma splices, and missing spaces. This can be fixed with a quick edit though. *Smile* As for the length, I just thought that you could have added in a *little* bit more information, but that's my opinion. More information would also help with the transitions between the different ideas and moments of the story. Below, I will give more specifics on any errors I found.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*monster.His body is weak, dragging around not being able to move like he used to.
See where the ".His" is? That needs a space after it. I think you may have just overlooked it. Also, I found the latter part of the sentence to be a bit awkward. You may want to consider a rewrite.

*Bullet*Doctors preform surgery to figure out the problem, but at the start of entering my fathers mouth during the operation, he begins to suffocate.
I found the latter part of this sentence to be a bit odd as well. It also seemed to jump to the surgery. Is there some way to make the transition a little easier? Maybe start out of the blockage occurrence, then move on to rushing to the hospital... or something of the sort. Then get to the surgery? Just a suggestion!

*Bullet*Because of this he will be transferred to another hospital in the city, "better" doctors they say will take care of him.Still his body weakens with every step.
After "city" there is a comma which I think needs to be a period, thus "better" should be "Better". Lastly, there needs to be a space after "him." and before "Still".

*Bullet*Now after thirty years he still works alone with not enough money to bring other plumbers in. He works penny to penny and never stops.
I think this should all be in past tense, since in the next sentence you say "He's sick now and out of work", thus, he couldn't still be working at the same time.

*Bullet*He's sick now and out of work, no work, no money, the math on that one is easy for you to do.
I think this should be separated into two or more sentence, because otherwise it's a comma splice or run-on. Example: "He's sick now and out of work. No work, no money. The math on that one is easy for you to do."

*Bullet*My father is sick, My father is tired, My father has given. At this time I realize, I have not given back.
I believe the first sentence should be separated into three sentences, unless phrased differently. Ex. "My father is sick. My father is tired. My father has given." For the next sentence, the comma is in the wrong place. Here's an example of what it should look like: "At this time, I realize I have not given back." (It could also possibly pass without the comma. Not totally sure though.)

*Bullet*A father does so much that sometimes his children don't understand, they don't treasure what they have and what their fathers have done. But now I understand, now I have realized, now I see clearly.
We have more comma splices here. Here are some examples to fix it, however, if you rearrange sentence structure... or how it is phrased, you may be able to fix it up better than separating it into several sentences. Ex: "A father does so much that sometimes his children don't understand or treasure what they have and what their fathers have done. But now I understand. Now I have realized. Now I can see clearly." (Note: I edited in a few words/etc. You may use this if you like it. If not, don't worry about it!).

Last note: As for more transition trouble, I just found it hard to follow the different moments. It seems to switch ideas rather quickly, so we need things to lead into each other. The surgery was the major transition problem I had. It goes from sick, to yellow eyes, a liver blockage, then surgery, but we have no in between or before moments. Also, give us a reason to jump from surgery to the money problems. Could the reason be that he doesn't have the money to pay for the medical bills or surgery? You could also give more instances on how much your father has given to you. (Just more detail in general!).

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

And that's it! I hope the suggestions section wasn't too annoying... but I do like to help when I can. I really enjoyed your work, so please keep at it! I think this is wonderful for your first item on here, and I can't wait to see you grow. Please let me know if you have any questions; I'm more than willing to help! (Though, I'll be away on vacation soon *Bigsmile* ). Keep on writing, and let me know if you edit. I'm always willing to re-rate/re-review.

Hugs,
-Neko


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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, Messdawg! ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is an interesting story on becoming mature in a gruesome and gut wrenching fashion. Events like these are no joke, and I'm glad you showed that in every way possible. At first, the immaturity of the speaker shows quite well, because he almost seemed more concerned about his car than those who were inside the car.

There was a little confusion for me in the beginning... I wasn't sure if the speaker had been driving, or if he had been in the car as a passenger... or if he hadn't been inside the car at all, but instead outside of it. This can easily be remedied by giving us a little more detail of the crash in action. (Not after the crash, but during it... as they collide into the pole).

I think you did well with the scene, as well as turning the speaker's attention to his friend... when he gets over the idea that it is only his precious car that has been destroyed.

I had some confusion with many of the sentences because of their length and wording. In my "Suggestions" section, I've given some examples to help out with that. (Feel free to use them, if you want.)

Later in the story, I wasn't sure what had happened to cause the crash. Was it alcohol? The sentence I read seemed to point out he'd chosen not to drink so I was a bit confused about that. Some clarity may be needed... perhaps a flashback to the party, text message, and mistake? This could give the reader more details to imagine and link to the speaker.

I love the ending, because the speaker finally realizes what he has done, and the consequences (and devastating effects) of such an event. However, I wasn't sure if he'd died, or just finally came back to reality. This also may need some clarification.

All in all, I enjoyed the story. It's got great potential and was very interesting. The major thing this needs is an edit, and perhaps a few new additions to the text. Great job!


Suggestions:

*Bullet*As I felt the cool wind slap against my face I realized that it, in comparison, was nothing to the pain of millions of pieces of shattered glass scattering like darkness when encountered with realization, darting into and around my face.
This is a rather long sentence... is there a way to separate it into two? I'll play with it a bit. "As I felt the cool wind slap against my face, I realized that it was nothing compared to the pain of the realization that settled upon my weary face. Pieces of glass, millions of them, were scattering into the darkness all around me." Does this read a little better? I'm not trying to change your meaning, but the sentence needs to be smoother so that the reader can understand what is going on.

*Bullet*The engine smoked relentlessly before my eyes as I ran to the opposite side of the irresponsibly destructed car.
I would take out "irresponsibly" because this can be implied by the scene. Also, "destructed" may not be the right word. How bout "totaled" or "destroyed", etc.?

*Bullet*Fumes set my nostrils on fire and my eyes watered with tears of disbelief while my anxiety refused to allow me to move towards the destruction, but never the less my adrenalin was there to release me from the restrictions my mind had suffered from the devastation.
This is another really long sentence, but I think we can separate it with simple punctuation. Here's an example: "Fumes set my nostrils on fire and my eyes watered with tears of disbelief. My anxiety refused to allow me to move towards the destruction. Never the less, my adrenaline was there to release me from the restrictions my mind was suffering from the detestation."

*Bullet*My intoxicated friend slumped in the passenger seat groans helplessly, head rocking to his left side while the hand of his right arm dangled, blood dripping, out of the door to what was once my hardest earned possession.
This is a rather long sentence as well, and the grammar could be spruced up a little. Here's my suggestion: "My intoxicated friend was slumped in the passenger seat, groaning helplessly. His head rocked to his left side, while the hand of his right arm dangled; blood dripped out of the door onto what was once my hardest earned possession."

*Bullet*The passenger in the back seat fled from the scene as the sirens got closer leaving traces of blood from his face in a puddle on my cars floor, not nearly deep enough for me to drown myself in sorrow and escape the nights’ inevitable consequences.
Another long one. This is something you need to work on. Shorter is usually better in most cases. If you want to link sentences together, you can try using a semi-colon. However, those shouldn't be used too often, in my opinion. (But they are fun to use! *Bigsmile*). Here's my suggestion for this section... "The back seat passenger fled from the scene as the sirens came closer, leaving a puddle of blood on my car's floor. It was not nearly deep enough for me to drown myself in sorrow and escapre the night's inevitable consequences." A major reason I took out "traces" is because it conflicts with blood. If it is only "traces" of blood, then this would mean there is not much.

*Bullet*My vehicle hugged the pole tight due to its velocity and reckless handling.
I felt the part in bold was unnecessary. In such a situation, would you really think in such a calculating manner? Also, it's implied the car must have been going fast (and must have been handled recklessly) because of the devastating amount of damage done to the car and it's inhabitants.

*Bullet*Stronger than the inanimate bond between the car and the pole was the one between my friend and as I struggled desperately and painfully to remove him from the downfall of our earlier seemingly perfect night.
Also a long sentences. Here's my suggestions for this one: "Stronger than the inanimate bond between the car and the pole was the one between my friend and I. I struggled desperately and painfully to remove him from the downfall of our earlier - seemly perfect - night."

*Bullet*My collar bone assaulted me repeatedly as every motion I attempted to make was never without the hope that it would be my last.
Fear or hope? Is he hoping that he will die every time he moves (because of the pain?) or is he fearful that he will die? Either will work, I just wanted to ask!

*Bullet*My longest known friend remained conscienceless across my lap, and regret hovered above me precipitating relentlessly.
This sentence could use a little editing... here's what I did: "My longest known friend remained unconscious across my lap while regret hovered above me, precipitating relentlessly."

*Bullet*Three things we have all either participated received or chose to make, now nothing more but (in combination) regret.
Punctuation needs a little help here... "Three things we have all either participated in, received, or chose to make... now nothing more but (in combination) regret."

*Bullet*Once I accept the realization that my responsibility to choose not to drink was only a miniscule idea of self accomplishment buried beneath my useless craving to see time rewind, it is clear to me that it was my irresponsibility still, that attempted to abduct the life of my closest friend from right under the nose of my pathetic security.
This is a really long sentence, and I got a little lost here. I wasn't sure whether the speaker had been drunk, or had chosen not to drink. If he had chosen not to drink, then I don't understand how this all happened, and why he is mentioning it. Perhaps the wording is a little jumbled, which is what is causing the confusion. Let me know what you meant, and I'll try to help you with this part, if you'd like.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for sharing this! I'm so sorry for all of the edits... but I did really enjoy your story, so I wanted to help if possible. Take what you like and leave what you don't like. Also, please feel free to ask me any questions you have about the site, my review, or anything else that comes to mind. (I'm always willing to have a friendly chat. *Bigsmile*)

Hugs!
-Neko

P.S. I'm willing to raise my rating if you edit this. Please let me know if you do so, and I will comment again and raise the rating if necessary. (And if I have time!)

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Review of Tree Rings  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Amber! This is the second of three reviews which you won for being the 10th package donor at the "Invalid Item. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Lovely! I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem. I can see the speaker, reaching towards the sun and soaking in everything it can. The speaker is described as patient, intelligent, “thick-skinned”, growing, a dreamer, a seeker, and someone who doesn’t share their own feelings and thoughts. I’m guessing this poem is a description of yourself, or someone you know. Either way, it’s a wonderful way to describe someone, and likening them to a tree brings even more imagery and meanings with it. You’ve done a great job in this portrayal, and I had no problem understanding the poem. The poem itself had a peaceful feeling to it, and I just couldn’t get enough of it.

Again, well done! *Bigsmile*



Suggestions:

*Bullet*“skin thick as bark
become stronger each year”

I think “become” might need to be changed to “becomes”.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this poem with me. It’s absolutely beautiful, and very well written. I loved it!
-Neko



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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Blush* Hey, Amber! This is the first of three reviews as part of your winnings for being the 10th package donor in the "Invalid Item. I'm here to give you~

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This short story told by a married family man is both humorous and sad (to me). There are many funny remarks that the man makes throughout his predicament, that of having fallen out of a tree due to his wife’s cat, which he hates. Though on the surface this piece is pure comedy, I find that beneath the surface it has some deeper meanings and a depressing tale.

The man tells us that his wife never notices anything with him, is never attentive, and doesn’t really care what happens to him. This fact is backed up by evidence at the end, which shows the wife being quite uncaring while her husband is lying there with possible broken legs and maybe even a concussion. It took a great deal of time before she even looked for him. Their kids were also nowhere to be seen, as the man had earlier pointed out that they are probably stuck in their rooms playing video games. They don’t seem to care about their father either. I felt so sorry for the man… no one in his family seems to care about him at all, even in emergency cases. In fact, I felt that it was his wife that he hated rather than his cat at the end. However, I doubt he’d stay with his family if he didn’t care about them at all either, and he definitely wouldn’t have gone up to get that cat if he didn’t care. To me, this shows that the speaker is a caring individual cursed with an uncaring family. This is just too sad. *Frown*

Though the underlying tone is quite harsh in my opinion, your input of some comedy helps to lighten up the piece for the readers instead of bogging them down in depressive feelings. I thought that this was well done and it also makes the piece stand out. For those who wish to read something light, they can check this out without much worry, and for those who want a great deal of meaning/feeling from a piece, they can also check this out and get just that. Marvelous! *Bigsmile*

The story itself was well written, though, there were a couple of typos/grammar mistakes every now and then. (And sometimes it was a little hard to follow along). I’ll go over those in the “Suggestions” area.



Suggestions:

*Bullet*“You would think that wouldn’t take too long, right.”
I think a question mark should be at the end of this instead of a period.

*Bullet*“Anyway the sky was a pretty blue, and there were few clouds, so while I was waiting, I tried to guess what they were.”
I think some of the commas could be taken out. For example, the comma after blue and the comma after waiting.

*Bullet*“I also think I broke my let, last I checked legs were not meant to bend that way.”
I believe “let” should most likely be “leg”. Also, you could possibly make this into two sentences instead of one by taking out the comma and placing a period instead.

*Bullet*“I was born into ho-hum family, have a ho-hum job and a rather screechy wife.”
I think this should read “I was born into a ho-hum family, have a ho-hum job, and a rather screechy wife.

*Bullet*“I sighed loudly, this was a waste of a perfect Saturday, next time the cat got itself stuck up a tree, it was going to stay that way!”
I think this is a bit of a run-on. I’d chop it up like this *Right* “I sighed loudly. This was a waste of a perfect Saturday. Next time the cat got itself stuck up a tree, it was going to stay that way!”



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

And that’s it! Great job with this story. I really enjoyed reading it though it was rather short. *Smile* You have a knack for giving the reader good & bad things to think about at the same time, and for hiding them within each other. Thank you for sharing such a fantastic piece and keep up the great work!
-Neko



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Review of Ties That Blind  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, LdyPhoenix ! This is the final review as part of my donated package you won. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Whew... this is a truly emotional piece, LdyPhoenix. I had a hard time reading it without feeling sympathetic and angry. It's terrible, but true that most often it is people we know that may/will hurt us. (Be it rape, or any other sort of harm). We're not cautious with friends or family, as opposed to strangers.

I liked the format of this piece; it's clear, distinct, and unique. I can almost feel the pain and shame, which radiates from this piece. The quotes are great, and go along well with each section of the poem.

You've touched on a very serious matter, and you've definitely done it justice. This is not overly vulgar or descriptive, but gives enough for the reader to know what is going on and allows them to connect with the poem.

Great job! I didn't see any errors. There was only one part that stumped me, which I will list below.



Suggestions:

*Bullet*Protection is against the fear of an unsuspecting stranger
I had a lot of trouble with this line. I just couldn't understand it. I think you're trying to say that we only fear strangers, not those we are familiar with, but the way this reads was confusing. I just couldn't understand it with the way it is worded. *Worry* I'd suggest a rewrite of this line.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Though I had one small problem with this poem, I felt it deserved a five because of the unique format and emotional draw of this piece. Thank you so much for allowing me to read your work and for bidding on my package! I must say it was a pleasure to read your poetry! You've definitely got a great deal of talent. *Heart* Keep up the fantastic work,
-Neko



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Review of One Belief Away  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello, LdyPhoenix ! This is the second of three reviews which you won as part of my donated package. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Hmm... this was a really interesting poem. I like how you show the differences between faith and religion, and then, in the end, combine the two to form "Hope". I think if you enter a religion, without having faith, then all you're doing is pretending and thus you are only there because of rigid morals. You are also in a sense, trying to prevent some sort of punishment, in case there really is a "Creator".

Faith is a beautiful thing, but it can be abused, just as trust is. I especially liked the first two lines in the third stanza; it truly sums "Faith" up. However, the third line, I felt, contradicted the others. Maybe add "Faith grants those who do not fall, wings to fly..." etc. Since with the previous line, it concludes that faith does not work for some. (In other words, it won't always help us soar to new heights).

With the last stanza, I think you justify the two together. You combine them perfectly, with just the right word. *Smile* Very well done with this. I didn't see any errors, and for the most part it flowed well. (One place that didn't flow well to me was the third line of the first stanza!). Keep up the fantastic writing!


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job! Thank you for sharing!
-Neko



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Review of Embrace  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, LdyPhoenix ! This is the first of three reviews you won as part of my donated package. I'm here to give you~

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This is a nice, romantic, and yet somewhat eerie poem of embracing a love in the shadows. I had no problem understanding what was going on, and the structure of the poem helped with flow. It reminded me of a haiku, because of the short lines, though, I didn't see any sort of syllable pattern. (Let me know if I missed it!).

It almost felt as if the "she" in this poem was actually in love with darkness itself. I think the poem can be taken in several different ways because of this, especially since the "he" is never specifically mentioned as a human. So, in a way, this poem could be about loving darkness in general, but yet being hesitant in that love (since most people wouldn't really like darkness, I think). That, or it's just as it seems, a rendezvous between lovers in the darkness of night. Probably a love which isn't very stable, or is just beginning (because of the "she's" doubts).

All in all, I felt this was well written and I enjoyed the structure as well as content of this poem. This darkness is simply enchanting! *Smile*


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thanks for sharing,
-Neko



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Review of LOVER'S DANCE  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello, SHERRI GIBSON ! This is the final review of three which you won as part of your package. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Ah, romance! How I adore it. This is such a sweet, romantic, and erotic poem which will definitely touch any young maiden's heart. *Bigsmile* (It did mine!). I couldn't help but imagine that I was the speaker and that I was with my own love. Your poem is something almost everyone can relate to, because we all take part in this lover's dance at one time or another (if we are so inclined, of course).

The flow was a little sketchy at times, but I really did enjoy the read. I was entranced from beginning to end, and loved every bit of it. This is probably one of the best erotic/romance poems I've read in a while, and it was a treat to read.



Suggestions:

*Bullet*While his gentle fingers touch me everywhere
My eyes never leave his as his hands begin to explore

I feel these lines are redundant, or, well, at least the second one is. Could be changed, but doesn't have to be!

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this! Your port is just a gold mine of beautiful poetry. I'm so glad I got the chance to read more of your work and delve deep into the author which is Sherri! *Kiss* I will get the signature done as soon as I can, hopefully by this weekend. Have a lovely day!
-Neko



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Review of PLAYER  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, SHERRI GIBSON ! This is the second of three reviews which you won as part of my package. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Another excellent piece of poetry, full of emotion and thoughts. I couldn't help but click on this one, since the title was Player. I've known a few people like this, and I couldn't help but agree and sympathize with everything that the speaker said. I found it quite impressive that the speaker decided to distance themselves from this person (or fight back), in order to keep from being pulled in by their words and actions. Most people in that situation give in, I believe, so it's refreshing to see someone state otherwise. You've done an great job at relaying the speakers emotions and in allowing us to see this "Player". I loved it! No errors were noticed.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for another amazing and emotion filled read! Your talent is stunning. *Bigsmile*
-Neko



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Review of QUESTIONS  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, SHERRI GIBSON ! This is to be the first of three reviews which you won as part of my package. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow, Sherri! This is an excellent piece of poetry. The rhythm, flow, and mood of this piece never varied and went together quite well. I had no problem understanding this poem, which is about having questions and answering them through faith. Indeed, I'm sure many would agree that any and all questions can be answered by faith alone. You've really shown this, and you've also got the reader thinking. As I am someone who is not part of any real religion, I find comfort in this piece because it speaks to all without being condemning or naming a figure head/religion. Thank you for sharing this divine piece of work! There were no errors that I could find.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job. You are such a talented poet! *Kiss*
-Neko



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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, Crazy Writer ! This is the last and final review of three which you won as part of my donated package. Here comes~

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I really enjoyed this poem. It’s got a great message and nice flow. We do need to take some time to remember the good things in life, and to be with those that we love. I think we take our lives for granted. Who knows when our time will be at an end?

There’s one part I thought could be fixed up… which is the last stanza. We don’t know when time is at an end, so I wasn’t sure who the speaker could be then. (God? A fortune teller? Some other sort of being, who knows when time is at an end?) Unless you’re stating that time is “always” in a state of ending, in which I would agree. *Smile* But I think, if that is the case, you could do more with it and make that idea more prominent. I also just thought, in general, you could have chosen some more powerful words for the poem. However, I did really enjoy the first three stanzas. You’ve done a great job at relaying the theme to the reader, and at keeping a steady flow. I saw no typos to correct this time… great job!



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

I’m so glad you won my package. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you and read your work. I can’t wait to see what more you come up with; you're so talented! It was a pleasure to read and review your poems. Thanks for bidding on my package!
-Neko




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Review of A Walk  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello, Crazy Writer ! This is the second of three reviews which you won as part of my donated package. Here comes~

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Wow! I love this poem… it’s so peaceful. The imagery is also really nice, and everything flowed really well except for the 5th line. I think, in order to correct the flow problem, you should probably make the 5th line a little longer. Anyhow, other than that… this was a beautiful poem and a lovely read. I thought you picked just the right words to create some awesome images and to entice the reader. I had no problem understanding what this poem was about. Great rhyme also helped to keep this poem moving. It really did sound like a pretty sight… thank you SO much for sharing it with me.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*“A walk I fanced down a path”
Should “fanced” be “fancied”?


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Short, sweet, and simple… and a path to a beautiful scene. Nicely done. *Blush* I got carried away in the beauty of it all!
-Neko




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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, Dr Taher writes again! ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Hilarious story, and very fitting for St. Patty's Day. *Smile* It seems that in the end, everything turned out alright for Isaac. The characters were believable, as was the dialogue and settings. (They were excellently done!). However, I did have trouble with some other things.

First off, how did Isaac's hair get this way? It was never quite answered, and I'd have loved to know. Since it wasn't like that after his haircut initially, it led me to believe that something had happened when he'd shampooed it... but what? Also, did it ever get washed out, or was it going to be forever permanent? Those are just some of the questions that came to my mind as I was reading.

Otherwise, I felt the story was well written, though it could have used some more powerful sentences (a little more excitement... the normal sentences seemed a tad stiff). I'm sure though, that this will be one of those St. Patrick's Day stories that I will always remember. *Bigsmile* Great job.




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing. *Kiss*
-Neko




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Review of My World  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hey, sweet Amber! How are you?*Heart* I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I love this poem. It's so down to earth and full of emotion. You've given us some insight into your own world, one of which only you are able to see through sounds, smells, touch, and the other senses.

I think this poem could be better, however. You didn't include one of the main things, which is, in fact, touching/feeling. I also saw no sense of taste. I would also love to see more of these things, and to really step into your world. This poem is already good, but it could be even better. I saw no actual errors and thought the piece was well written. Great job! *Kiss*



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

This is a lovely read, which I think could be even better! Please let me know if you edit this so I can take another look. *Heart* I hope you're doing well, and thank you for sharing, Amber!
-Neko




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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Harry ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is such a sweet, yet sad, piece of poetry. It's mostly dialogue, but you can see the years, hardships, and love that these two people shared. We get images of a wedding, war, struggle, birth, raising children, farming, and arguments, but always an enduring love. That's what makes this poem special, in my mind... all of these wonderful and powerful images of a love which has sustained the tests of time, and even death. I love the fact that the wife wants the ring to remain with her husband, because taking it would almost seem as if she is taking her love away from him, when he will in fact keep it, even in the afterlife.

Wonderful theme, imagery, and overall story to boot! This was so well done and used some excellent rhymes.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job! Thank you so much for sharing this.
-Neko




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Review of ~I without You  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hey there, sweet Staine! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Oh, wow! What a LOVELY poetry form. Thank you so much for introducing the Cleave to me (and many thanks to Kansas for introducing it to you!). I just love it. *Bigsmile*

Okay, let's split this review into three topics, so I can go over each portion individually....

Poem 1 (Left Side):
This is such a strong and emotional piece! When you lose someone you feel as if you've lost everything, that nothing is worth anything. I especially adored the third line, because it brings new meaning to the poem, other than of losing someone in a general fashion. Perhaps the speaker's love had left her for someone else, instead of having died, etc. The person had used him/her in order to get something, and had humiliated him/her. The only thing that brings the speaker back to reality is the sun, which could be a new person in her/his heart, which awakens and renews her/his love. Great message and well portrayed with wonderful imagery!

Poem 2 (Right Side):
It seems to me that the speaker has found love after losing someone, that they've finally been fulfilled and made whole. Perhaps the person they lost was dragging them down, or not showing them real love. The speaker, since awed by the new feelings, was most definitely not getting love before this. I love the simplicity, yet beautiful imagery and emotion in this piece. It made me feel whole!

Poem 3 (Fusion):
This one has a different meaning altogether for me. It felt like the speaker wasn't sure if she/he had been in love until the loss of someone. Then he/she finally realized that they had indeed loved that person, because of the extreme amount of loss they feel. I found it sad that this might be the case... but maybe it's better to have learned love than to never have learned love at all? *Smile* Again, beautiful imagery and strong emotion exemplifies this poem. You have so much talent!



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thanks for sharing this, Staine... I loved it soooo much! It's very well written and made complete sense. A lot of deep meanings can be seen within these three poems. Beautiful! *Heart*
-Neko




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