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Wow, what a story! This is a really exciting and exceptional tale. For Maya to have gone through so much... well, it really makes me sad. She is such a strong character. I can easily relate to how devastated and confused she is after she is separated from her family. You've really brought an amazing character to life.
The plot is really interesting, because it's from a non-American's view point. I haven't read many stories similar to this, so I have found that your tale is unique.
From my eyes, there is nothing wrong with the plot. It's actually rather strong, because of how unusual it is and the reality of it. However, your weakness lies in mechanics. I think though, that this is probably due to the fact that English is not your native language. Am I right? If this is the case, I hope that you'll continue to progress in your mastery of the English language, because I can definitely tell that you have a talent for story telling.
If you correct what I mention in the "Suggestions" section, please send me an email and I will see about re-rating this item. You have done very well with this, so please do not be discouraged by the amount of edits coming up. The reason there are so many is because I truly want to help you. If you have ANY questions, do not hesitate to ask.
Suggestions:
It was on the morning of the first day of the week.
What was? Try not to start out a story with something so vague.
I prepared everything for my first day of high school. I couldn't wait until the alarm woke me up. I got up earlier than usual and made my breakfast. I got out a small bread and the meat that my mom cooked yesterday. I put them together, and walked to the table. I poured the glass of milk and enjoyed my breakfast.
These are choppy sentences. Notice how they all begin with "I"? I try to stay away from repeating a sentence's first word consecutively (or more than twice). If you connect some of these sentences, I think it will help the flow and readability of your story. (You could also possibly omit some actions... we don't need to know EVERYTHING she does unless it is seriously important to the story)... Ex. "I prepared everything for my first day of high school early in the morning; I didn't even wait for the alarm clock to wake me up. When I finally had time to eat breakfast, I got a small piece of bread and some of the meat Mom had cooked yesterday. As I put them together, I walked to the table and took a seat, then poured some milk in a glass and enjoyed my breakfast." (Note: This is just one example of how you could change the structure. There are plenty of options, and I'm definitely not saying mine is the most correct.)
" Good luck! my dear!"
You have an extra space here, also, use a comma instead of an exclamation mark after "Good luck".
"Hey, sorry about the waiting"
We need a period after "waiting".
"Not the big deal!"
Instead of "the", I think it should be "a".
(fight! In my country mean: ready to enter the new school!)
This should either be "In my country it means" or "In my country means". The latter would be correct if you took out the exclamation after "fight".
Trinh said with the proudly sound, " Of course! I already ready in three months ago"!".
"The proudly sound" should be "a proud sound" (or even "a proud voice"). The latter part of the sentence, "I already ready in three months ago", should probably be "I've been ready for three months!" or "I was already ready three months ago!".
On the way to school, I could feel the fresh air from the enormous field that go along to the street.
I would suggest revising this. Ex. "On the way to school, I could feel the fresh air from the enormous field that went along the street."
It brought to me so much of courage and a new hope of my future.
Suggestion: "It brought to me so much courage and new hope for my future."
“ How you feel when you ride the new bicycle, hah?” Trinh asked.
I'd suggest changing the beginning of the sentence to "How do you feel..."
The reason that my parents didn’t let me ride the bicycle because they were afraid I had accident or something bad happened to me.
Suggestion: "The reason that my parents didn't let me ride the bicycle, was because they were afraid that I would have an accident or that something bad would happen to me."
So, I determined to tell them how much I wanted to ride the bicycle like another kids.
Suggestion: "So, I was determined to tell them how much I wanted to ride the bicycle like other kids."
How wonderful that is?”
Should be "How wonderful is that?"
“I am assure!” Trinh followed.
Should be "I am sure!"
However, for somebody, our school was really, really, and really small and poor.
Suggestion: "However, for some people, our school was really, really, really small and poor."
Each classroom also didn’t have enough material, such as heat, air conditioner, TV, computer for teacher, or slide projector.
Suggestion: "Each classroom also didn't have enough materials, such as heat, air conditioner, TV, a computer for the teacher, or a slide projector."
Our school even didn’t have the computer labs.
Suggestion: "Our school didn't even have any computer labs."
So, when we had exam or test, our teacher had to write the exam by their own hand and copied to us, and we had to pay for the paper that our teacher had copy. One way that our high school was different from another countries was we always used pen, a small notebook, and each student had to buy their own textbooks at the county.
Suggestion: "So, when we had an exam or test, our teacher had to write the exam with their own hand and copy it for us, and we had to pay for the paper. One way that our high school was different from another countries, was that we always had a pen, a small notebook, and each student had to buy their own textbooks at the county."
Everyday, we had to take the note for every classes except P.E. Each note was long at least one page, and on the next day, the teacher would called three student to said what they wrote yesterday without looking at their notebook. This was also reason for every student didn’t want to be called on.
Entered the new environment, Trinh and I felt a little afraid. Juniors and Seniors were very welcome us. Usually, the first day of school was the day that saluted the flag of our country.
Suggestion: "Everyday we had to take notes for every class except P.E. Each note was at least one page long, and on the next day the teacher would call three students to say what they wrote yesterday without looking at their notebooks. This was also the reason why every student didn't want to be called on. Trinh and I felt a little afraid when we entered the new environment. The Juniors and Seniors were very welcoming to us though. Usually, the first day of school was the day that we saluted the flag of our country."
Suddenly, my classmates and I heard the big sound of boom. The principle advised every student, and told us to go home.
Suggestion: "Suddenly, my classmates and I heard the sound of a big boom. The principle advised every student to go home."
I had the hard time to find my bicycle because students just ran in.
Suggestion: "I had a hard time finding my bicycle because students just ran out." (I said "out" because they were told to go home, so they must have been leaving the school. If this is incorrect please just change "out" back to "in". )
At that time, the gray clouds covered the Sun, the day became somber.
Instead of the second comma, use a semi colon. Otherwise this is a comma splice. Ex. "At that time, the gray clouds covered the Sun; the day became somber." By the way, I don't think you need to have "sun" capitalized.
The Nhitruong’s street was usually covered with mud because Nhitruong was just the small town that was located in South Vietnam.
The word I have in bold, "the", should probably be "a".
During the Cold War, we had no time to fix the road because one way we had to take care of the rice fields, another way was we had to face with the war between the two type of government: Communism and Democracy.
Suggestion: "During the Cold War, we had no time to fix the road because we either had to take care of the rice fields or we had to face the way between the two types of government: Communism and Democracy."
It had fully of natural nourishment. For that reason, most people in my area became the farmers. We had such a good life when we lived here if the war didn’t began.
Suggestion: "It was full of natural nourishment. For that reason, most people in my area became farmers. We would have had such a good life while we lived here if the war hadn't began." (Not sure if this is totally correct; may want to get some other opinions).
The most importance was I didn’t see my father.
Suggestion: "The most important thing was that I didn't see my father."
I always grew up in the good environment which cover with the fully of my parents’ love, my relatives’ love, my neighbors’ love, and my friends’ love. I was an egg that was and protected from a lot of people around me.
Suggestion: "I always grew up in a good environment which was covered fully by my parents' love, my relatives' love, my neighbors' love, and my friends' love. I was an egg that was protected from a lot by people around me."
The woman wore the black clothes and white sunbonnet.
Suggestion: "The woman wore black clothes and a white sunbonnet."
I could assure that she had good personalities by looking at her face. She gave me a blue handkerchief to wipe my eyes, I guessed.
Suggestion: "I was assured that she had a good personality by looking at her face. She gave me a blue handkerchief to wipe my eyes." (No need to have "I guessed" tacked on the end.)
That blue handkerchief was likedthe gift from paradise to protect my eye. And that blue handkerchief like the new hope of my future to let me depend on it. She said the lower tone,
Suggestion: "That blue handkerchief was a gift from paradise to protect my eyes. And the blue handkerchief let me depend on it like it was the new hope of my future. She said in a lowered tone,"
I answered with the water in my eyes, “ I got lost from my parents, and I didn’t know where I am going to do?”
She gracefully lead my hand, “Don’t be scare!
Suggestion: I answered with water in my eyes, [I got separated from my parents, and I don't know what I'm going to do!" She gracefully held my hand, "Don't be scared!] (Just putting brackets around this one because it has quotes in it. By the way, you could also say "She gently held my hand" instead.)
“ But I don’t know who are you” I said because my parents always taught me that don’t listen to the person you didn’t know them.
“I’m Anh, the church woman” She answer.
I wanted to listen to my parents but I really scared. So I was quiet and go with her. She guided me to the small church that called “Hand”.
Suggestion: ["But I don't know who you are,"I said, because my parents always taught me that you shouldn't listen to a person if you don't know them.
"I'm Anh, the church woman," she answered.
I wanted to listen to my parents, but I was really scared. So I was quiet and went with her. She guided me to the small church that was called "Hand".]
She gave me the clothes to change. I thought the clothes were sewed by her because I saw a lot of tattered. After I changed my clothes, I still kept the blue handkerchief because I looked at as a lucky thing.
Suggestion: "She gave me clothes to change into. I thought the clothes were sewn by her because I saw a lot of tattered threads. After I changed my clothes, I still kept the blue handkerchief because I looked at it as a lucky thing."
Her name was Bi and she was shorten than me, little fat, and very clever. That night, even though I had the good place to rest, but I still afraid and missed my parents a lots. I cried quietly, so another people couldn’t hear. Bi slept very comfortable. I could hear the loud sound come from her mouth. I couldn’t sleep for all night.
Suggestion: "Her name was Bi and she was shorter than me, a little fat, and very clever. That night, even though I had a good place to rest, I was still afraid and missed my parents a lot. I cried quietly so other people couldn't hear. Bi slept very comfortably. I could hear a loud sound come from her mouth."
Days by days, I waited, and waited, and waited for the news of my parents.
Both "Days" should be "day". Ex. "Day by day..."
She said, “you have to take care of your health, that way when your parents come to see you, they would be happy if you have such a good life in our church.” I listened to her, and helped another people. Everyday, the church had more than one adopts got lost of their parents, or their relative, or they was abandoned. I helped Anh church to take care of the kids that smaller than me.
Suggestion: [She said, "You have to take care of your health, that way when your parents come to see you they will be happy that you have had such a good life in our church." I listened to her, and helped other people. Everyday the church had more than one child adopted because they lost their parents or relatives, or they were abandoned. I helped Anh church take care of the kids that were smaller than me.]
Later on, every people were very good to me and they also loved me. The hold in my heart little by little had recuperated by the loves of the people in the Hand’s church. Church became my second home in my life, and I couldn’t live without it. Unfortunately, passed for many years, I had no news about my parents, but I still hoped that they would come back soon, and they wouldn’t forget me, either.
Suggestion: "Later on, everyone was very good to me and they also loved me. The hole in my heart, little by litter, had recuperated by the love of the people in Hand's church. Church became my second home during my life, and I couldn't live without it. Unfortunately, many years passed and I still had no news about my parents, but I still hoped that they would come back soon and that they wouldn't forget me either."
IN THE DESCRIPTION: What will happen to the young teenager when she lost contract with her parents?"
Suggestion: "What will happen to a young teenager when she loses contact with her parents?"
Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with me. I have no doubt that you will continue to grow as a writer, and I can't wait to see it! Keep writing with your heart.
Hugs,
-Neko
P.S. I have a question, is the story supposed to be in broken English? If it is, I apologize. (And if it is, you should probably make a note of it somewhere. )
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