Read this, it will definitely amuse you. If you are honest with yourself, it will probably help you as well.
There is really no excuse for many of the atrocious errors you can run into as you go through the ports on this site. I think it stems from the laziness that pervades our world.
Anyway, Emerin has succeeded in presenting some common sense advise for avoiding errors.
So, dust off your armor and give the piece a read. Even if you are making every one of these errors. Honestly, wouldn't you prefer to find out this way?
I think it stings quite a bit less than having your parenthesis and commas slashed all over the public review page.
The structure and flow of this piece are ingenious. It flows like life, fast and furious. Before the reader is aware, he is reading the final line and trying desperately to hold on to the memory.
The imagery is vivid and fragile. I love that you make clear the importance of those three little words in completing a life journey
It is wonderful the way you have woven all of the vital elements of life into this piece faith, trust, perseverance, patience and love.
I have but one little problem...Line 13...it could use a rework, for me, it was a stumbling point in an otherwise amazingly smooth ride.
What an interesting premise. The characters are well developed and believable. I love the threads of dark humor that you have woven into the piece.
The imagery and descriptions are well conceived and executed. I was solidly in the prison tower with Hawk. I felt the bone chilling loneliness. I was able to fully appreciate how having a drop of water hit you would be welcomed as company, even proof of life.
There are, I fear many problems as well. In many cases your choice of words, use of language is odd at best. For instance...In section *2 paragraph three the word foresee seems completely out of place. What was your intended meaning?...could oversee have fit your intent?
Overall a wonderful idea and charming story that could benefit from the eye of a skilled editor.
This little piece is a perfect example of how to be poetic and terse. The message is delivered in a clean and concise manner. At the same time it paints a sweet little picture with its straight from the shoulder language.
Great little poem that packs in it a world of truth.
Write on!
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A charming story detailing the true power of faith!
This is a beautifully written story. I especially love the character of Mama Anna. I can just see her blue apron and loving face. The faith and strength that she had infused Casey with was truly inspiring.
The images in the piece are crisp, clear and amazingly realistic. The dialogue is fresh and believable.
I love the way you have built the story. You skillfully avoided the temptation to rush the story. This is a really good thing because it makes the reader grateful for the happy ending.
I have but one suggestion...make Horse more insistent more of a bother...that way when Lindsay brings the note it packs more of an emotional punch.
A well crafted story that serves to remind us of the amazing power of faith.
Just Desserts-A History 4 Finicky Eaters
By:RadioShea
A comedic triumph.
Well written and so well conceived, I may have to post it for all MY darlings to read. I love the manner in which your language is spent and the speed at which these children do turn and repent.
It's true, it's true, don't WE all now know? Our Mothers were right, but now only OUR children are in the know.
This circle of life it spins and it spins, there is nothing new under the sun...and if you don't listen to your Mom you're sure to be the unfortunate one!
Excellent poem, I'm sure someday, I'll be blessed to know as much as my children do right now, also!...lol
This poem is a little gem! I love the purposeful change in the rhyming scheme in the middle. I only hope that the return to the original pattern does not doom the reconciliation
The imagery is clean and the language soft yet direct.
First, it is a relief to read a piece that does not imply, infer or outright state that this terrible event was somehow self inflicted.
The emotion and imagery in the poem are outstanding.
It brought me crashing back to the moment when I was trying desperately to reach relatives who worked in or lived near the towers.
There are a few problems with the piece...
The firefighters actions were not for naught at all...the number dead would have been exponentially higher had the firefighters not gone in and done their thing. The structure of the piece could use some attention...try sitting with it
again...tightening up the rhythm and rhyme.
Overall an outstanding tribute. As a person who lost three family members in this disaster, I appreciate your effort to keep the horror of the truth alive.
Oh, the Shakespearean sonnet, what a deceptively simple poetic form. We all have written them at one time or another. They fit the mold, but most do not make the grade. Is it any wonder with writers like Shakespeare and Browning setting the standard?
Take a bow, Shannon, this is a keeper. It not only fits the mold but is in keeping with the theory of this traditional form.
The conflict in your piece is subtle and well developed. I truly enjoyed reading it.
This piece proves the old adage that less is more. I must say that I have not enjoyed a piece this much in quite a while.
You have so captured the feeling of living in a place like Seattle, Washington, Binghamton. New York, or London, England. It doesn't just rain... God weeps!!
This is a wonderful little story. I like the way you create mystery and intrigue with the coffee counter girl changing appearance.
The people moving purposefully all around him is also so well done. I can feel the frustration and fear in the character as he heads for the ticket counter.
The ending, now that is where your true genius is revealed. To bring him back from the endless black hole with his dear mother's voice saying that he had gotten on the wrong bus was just awesome.
I like the way that you start the piece off. Coming right out of the gate with the title is a nice technique. I also enjoyed the imagery and flow of the first stanzas.
My favorite part...
So it has been for me
waiting for the warmth of others
once again to feel alive
For me the whole thing falls flat in the fourth stanza. Your words lose their appeal. All of a sudden the piece seems trite.
As I reread it, I realize it is due to the rapid shift in metaphor.
You have just established yourself as being dependant on the warmth of others when you slip back into the plant metaphor. May I suggest one stanza be inserted for a smoother transition.
Overall: a charming and insightful poem in need of a tiny tweak.
They say that breaking up is hard to do. This piece should prove that wrong.
The seasons flow from one to another. There is but one little glitch. In the last line of stanza two the wording trips us up. Might I suggest...That help from you wasn't there
Overall a well written piece with an outstanding message.
Well written. This piece is a simple tribute to a very complicated event. I like the way that it flows.
I think the repetitious nature of it is perfect, lest we ever forget.
As a person that lost three family members and had at least three more sickened by the rescue and recovery effort. I applaud your piece and thank you for sharing.
This piece has amazing potential. I just can't place my finger on who I see singing it. But it definitely has a home in the Grande Ole Opre and the CMA.
I especially like the carefree laid-back kinda nature of it. The way the words flow like a meandering creek,
slowing to bid howdy to the grand old trees.
The piece meanders from the dusky questioning to the absolute blackness of acceptance back to the dusky light of questioning again. The triplet with rhyming pair creates a sense of falling, falling deeper and deeper into the darkness and tyranny.
My only suggestion, maybe stanza 4 would be better served by "Pessimistic"
A great read and no worries, NO SYMPATHY here!
Write on!!
"Rose"
The structure, meter and use of imagery are key to the allure of this piece.
This is a captivating look at perception. Your language is wonderful. I miss the way you spoke to me at midnight How those words filled, my mind body and soul with light But that man is gone No matter how I long
The structure and meter of the poem lead the reader skillfully down the path to your understanding.
The frustration that you feel, because of the person you feel you have lost is beautifully highlighted in the last stanza.
I love the message and the flow of this piece. The language is inspiring. The structure captivating yet simple.
My favorite part is But hers is not a spoken love, but rather something deep inside. A secret wish
kept in her heart, to have that someone by her side.
I have but two corrections/suggestions. In the line... Yet know one knows--not even he,{/} should that have been no one? Also, the last line is somehow not quite right it causes the piece to crash.
Perhaps something like...it's promised to the true love held tightly in her heart...might serve the piece better.
A noteworthy piece. I really enjoyed it!
Write On!!!
"Rose"
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