I'm so glad to see you doing a bit of poetry once more- 'tis long since you posted anything. For me, poetry is both prayer and therapy, part of speaking what is in our hearts, even when we cannot find words to express it!
I love your use of metaphor- it makes the emotion tangible for your reader. (I especially liked the one about a miner finding gold- you should develop that further!
I loved the structure of this- creative combination of rhymed couplets and free verse, with just enough consistancy in form to tie it all together. Very nice resolution! (I prefer splitting those long lines at the end, but the contrast with the rest of the poem is nice, too.)
I'm afraid I'm enough of a snob to be bothered by the spelling issues- fix 'em & this reviewer will be happy! When are you going to post some more stuff????
Someone (fix it through the whole poem) Somone who can through that fake smile of yours
Also, did you drop see after who?
we're: Maybe were just so sick of all the sounds...
Maybe were sick of screaming
takes: ...and it take awhile to find that somone...
Thank you for the wonderful reminder that there are two sides to this "disability". This piece is well thought out & well constructed. You blend nicely the right amount of background about autism with clear development of your main point. I think all else I wished for were a few more specific examples of his behavior (positive & negative)- a bit more description would help any reader unfamiliar with autism.
For those of us with an autistic child, this rings a clear bell!
Wow! This is such a powerful piece! You manage to master rhyme & meter so well here, natural and unforced. I never would have imagined such serious content within such a song-like poetry form. I love the repeated lines in each stanza, which hammer the emotion into your reader.
The only suggestion for improvement would be to fix the meter in A cry echoes across the lands
You have some great images here, and I love the idea of a swingset as narrator. Personally, I don't care for the form or use of color, though- too cute, somehow, for the depth of this piece. For me, it just detracts. I'd like to see this piece carried on the strength of the words alone.
Is this from your own real tragedy, or did you manage to capture the emotion so perfectly from imagination alone? Losing a child is every parent's nightmare. My own private fear is that some day I will face such a choice as you have so vividly portrayed here. I rarely give a 5.0 This one deserves it!
I love this! I've always wondered how Tolkien would have responded to Peter Jackson's rendition of his books. I do wish you had fleshed out Tolkien's reactions a bit more. And I suspect some of the revisions that you glossed over would have upset him immensely- especially the portrayal of Faramir. Still, a great read. Do keep going!
I don't give 5.0 very often, but this one deserves it. The repetition of lines is perfect to capture the endless memory of loss. It never goes away- there will always be those spots of black & white in the midst of these colorful houses we live in.
An incredible poem! Such a unique take on a love poem!!! The short lines distill much into so few well-crafted words. Your use of rhyme is exquisite, too- not at all forced, but very very strong. Not often I give a 5.0, but this one deserves it! I can't wait to read more of your stuff! (though it probably will have to wait- I had two sons in the hospital this weekend, with one getting major lung surgery. How I long to escape into some poems....)
Oh, help! I think I shall die laughing! You have done it- solved one of the great mysteries of the universe! This delightful piece has just the right touch of humor, great organization, and... well, solid reasoning! Well-deserving of one of my rare 5.0 ratings!
You may want to read my poem on the subject of lost socks:
. Better yet, go read the accounts in my tooth angel folder "Tooth Angel Correspondence" - and many thanks! I shall use your theory in the next (overdue) installment. My poor seven year old has several teeth backed up, in crumpled envelopes under her pillow. The poor tooth angel has been singularly uninspired of late. Must be she ran out of socks! I think she'll be returning soon, with sock in tow!
This has real promise! The rhyme took me by surprise. Why, I'm wondering, haven't you split the lines like a poem? I think it would help the piece visually (OK, I admit it. I read poetry as an artist- what it looks like matters to me!).
What a fine tribute! Your father sounds like a very special man. I especially liked the repetition of the first two lines in each stanza- it gives the semblence of form to this free verse poem, tying it all together into a coherent whole.
You capture the plaintive sorrow of the dragon here. I could feel myself pulled into the creature's pain. And yet I found myself wishing for something more concrete to cling to; there was a lot of telling, but not enough showing for this visual reader. I'd like more like the "blood rose by your pillow" in the first stanza. Don't tell me he is sad- let me see this sorrow. Perhaps what I am asking for (this is simply my personal preference, mind you, not a gospel rule for poetry ) is more symbolism, in concrete images, to help me. For instance, instead of saying you will protect her as she sleeps (as in I will destroy all that continues to stir and wake your soul,
From what peace sleep may give you),
describe the curl of your wing 'round her, or the shine of a claw raised against fear personified.
This is one of your best. I like your use of metaphor, and the natural flow free verse gave you. Sometimes your rhymed poems feel forced. Consider dropping "it" as the first word- too weak a beginning. Maybe start with "Easing.." instead- that would fit the grammar of the rest.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mamahobbit/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 3:42pm on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I especially liked the repetition of the first two lines in each stanza- it gives the semblence of form to this free verse poem, tying it all together into a coherent whole.