A few spots I noticed that you flip the tenses around. You go from past to present to past again. Try to make sure that this stays consistent, unless your doing "flash backs".
A couple of small errors:
THe Goodbye Quilt
~ The
A shrot story about a girl and her grandmother.
~short
“Watch the needle, babe,”
~Babe ~when used as a name, it should be capitalized
That’s why I’m learning from Grandma. She’s the best seamstress in the world.
~ wrong tense here
~That's why I was learning
~She was the best
A very carefully written, but creatively inspired, piece of educational writing.
I loved the way that you were ablr to parallel the amusement rides with the elements of writing. I would suggest offering this piece to every English and writing teacher. I'm sure that their students would understand these concepts, if taken this approach!
I felt as if I was right there beside you as you were on you quest for this amazing burger. the descriptions of the building and characters inside were perfect.
The layout of the piece was especially creative when dealing with the tasks layed out for the holiday meal as well as the turmoil involved in their everyday lives.
Use of italics also helped to direct the flow of the story.
A beautiful poem to express the love for your son and how that love has effected you.
A couple of suggestions in punctuation:
In my deepest time and weakest need, you are there to comfort me.
Never selfish with your heart, you loved me from the start.
To young to know how deep my pain, yet you know I'm not the same.
To smart for me to hide the truth, my pains to big to burden you.
Your innocent, strength, and all your dreams is what keeps me from losing steam.
I'll continue to do my part, knowing your here my big brave heart.
One suggestion:
You might want to rethink your title and description of this piece; "Brush Off" doesn't really apply here. Also the description implies that something has actually happened here, and after reading this, I didn't feel that way. The chance encounter really didn't even get off the ground let alone, "Brushed off"
Small typo:
she mentally counts to 3 before making a dash for to the front and into the closing doors.
I quite enjoyed reading the entire story, and almost began to believe in "Night" myself for a while. It is amazing the lengths that the mind will go to keep us "sane".
Excellent first person characterization. Story flowed very well, and was very believable.
Good use of rhythum and rhyme to tell this dreadful tale.
It almost reminds me of a twisted poem that I had read some where of the fall of Humpty Dumpty. It was in a poetry book with a lot of other retellings of classic children poems.
So often parents or so-called-friends put so much weight on our shoulders by implying that they expect more of us, that we are never able to crawl out from under the hurtful remarks.
Nice use of first person point of view to tell such a hauntingly sad tale.
I loved that you took the time to invite your readers into your world through your descriptions of both the characters and the scenery, instead of "making them guess"
As for your question- should you continue? Of course you should, if you want to. Otherwise the story is wonderful on its own.
Reading this give me the sensation of trying to walk and then run through an ever sinking marshland with dark shadowing branch scratching at my floundering arms.
It is tragic that poems of this magnitude ever have to be written at all...
Such a sad story about a somewhat forgotten man in society.
I wish that you had gone a bit further into his relationship with his daughter, and how it had effected her. Also, you implied a relationship with the cashier, Monica, but then sort of drifted away from it.
A couple of typos that need to be fixed~
And the two of them had been on there was to this very super market the day it had happened.
*their way
His foot didn’t support him as well as he had hoped and he feel onto his daughter.
The attention to details of the time made the reader feel as if they were walking along side this poor girl.
Also the plot was perfect for the time frame and characters, not far-fetched in the least.
One suggestion:
Continue the story! You left me wanting for more.
I like how you were able to carry the majority of the story through the dialougue and thoughts of the main character.
One suggestion:
Descriptions
In order for the reader to see what you are writing about, you have to invite them into your brain. Always remember; if you haven't explained it, they most likely won't see it.
Quite a heartful of feelings are rushing about try to make sense of their feelings through words "penned" out on "paper". Unfortunately, sometimes the words flow so fast, that the eyes miss the simplest errors...
Unless you are e.e.cummings, most people always capitalize the word "I". Not doing so tends to look lazy.
let me know if you edit this piece, I would love to come back to re-review it.
Even though it is blog-like, always remember capitalization and punctuation in what you write.
This is such a sketchy little story. Why don't you try to "paint" it with more description so that your readers may find it as funny, (or horrifying) as you and your friend
Quite a different poem than what I had anticipated. When I read "The Legend of the Toy Chest", I didn't have any idea that I would be reading a love poem.
Interesting making the Dragon Slayer the female and the dragon a male, not the typical genders associated.
Loved the poem-
Keep writing!
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