Be very careful while you are writing, you tend to flip-flop between tenses in the middle of sentences. You also seem to be threading a poem or song throughout the story. To make it stand out, and not be confused with the actual story, either put it italics or another color.
A few of the minor problems that I found while reading:
But I never left my seat until he was still there.
But I never left my seat while he was still there.
He really was different comparing to all the guys I have met before.
He really was different compared to all the guys I had met before.
You have no Idea how happy you made me! I said yes. You have no idea how happy you made me! I said yes.
After 2 days, our doctor called our house for the result.
After two days, our doctor called our house with the results.
Quite a psychotic delusion going on in the mind of this poor main character.
Great attention to details here! Descritions written well enough that I can see the eyes watching me as I read it, feel the oiliness of the painting... yuck!
I only found one problem with the story- If the main character is too week to pull down the painting, how his he strong enough to drown the puppy?
You have indeed made use of ALL the deadly sins in this snake-tongued rememberance piece. I loved the way that you were able to tell all the "naughty little deeds" without making him sound "dirty".
Not only is this a fun and enjoyable contest, but it also assists Teachers and Homeschooler teachers alike in coming up with fun additions to the textbook lesson plans.
It was so interesting wandering through your port. I particular, this item caught my eye, so I thought that I might take a few moments and tell you what I thought...
extremely good!
I liked the uncertain aspect of who she is waiting for. At first I thought it was an unborn child, but quickly realized my error.
Suggestions:
Now that your challenge of the 300 word count is over, you should expand further on this piece and give it a bit more depth.
I was so interesting wandering through your port. I particular, this item caught my eye, so I thought that I might take a few moments and tell you what I thought.
Such a uplifting story to begin with, that turns on itself into a tragic loss.
Suggestions:
Being that most of the story is told from the child's perspective, the ending is a bit strange. Trying changing the focus from the mother back to the now adult child to keep the perspective clean.
Typos:
*Beth began calling her “mom” from
~ Mom
*"Okay mom"
~ Mom
*"Yeah, mom?"
~ Mom
*Wondering what she'd done now. Beth took off her rollerskates and went into the house, her head low, worried.
~ change the period to a comma
*She sent an invitation,purely out of some inbred sense of loyalty, never expecting to hear back.
~ you need a space after the comma
First impressions of this piece:
Although I'm not normally one to liked rhyming poetry, I found this to flow very well. I didn't feel the swaying, sing-song rhythm that I normally find so irritating. I could feel the sincerity of your thoughts throughout this piece, through the quiet descriptions of mother's touch and glimmering rainbows.
Youth in all its trials and tribulations. I'm seeing a lot of potential in this piece, but I also see a lack of trust in your readers to understand. When you use a phrase like "knocked up", it becomes less compassionate and more street credible and hard edged. Be honest with yourself and your readers, you're scared, but you're also in love.
Impressions of this piece:
I an odd sort of way, I found your red cloaked character to be a beacon of hope in a world of graying shadows and hidden dreams. I appeared that others were watching this heroic figure, slipping in and out of the shadows, trying to find a way out of the sameness.
I was so interesting wandering through your port. I particular, this item caught my eye, so I thought that I might take a few moments and tell you what I thought.
I always find it both sad and funny when I read about "imaginary friends". All children need friends to interact with, to grow with. To be so lonely as to invent a friend, is a tragedy.
Suggestions:
I looks as if you were working against a word count dilemma, which is unfortunate. I could have seen you going much further between the boy and his father, maybe even going as far as the father remembering a similar incident from his childhood. The laughter between them could have healed many an ill.
Welcome Newbie, to the most wonderful writing site that I have ever been on!
Overall impression~
An intriguing, blood thirsty tale of corruption, pain and the inevitable act of revenge
Suggestion for improvement~
The repetition of the beginning and ending passages gives the flavor of a flashback-come-full-circle, but in the end appears to fall a bit short in answering fully the questions that have come to mind while reading this. What the husband (not milkman) caught?
Typos~
*She lay curled in a foetal position with her injured hand
~ fetal
Since I just reviewed Part I, I figured I look to see if you had any additional information to help our writers with Google. And I was not disappointed.
With the number of writers from different countries on this site, the language area that you referenced will be most helpful.
Through the use of examples and insight, you have shown your reader an internet tool that many have used, but few have understood.
I also like how you put it into the context of a writing tool. Too often, writers tend to forget to verify simple items in their story, therefore making them mediocre.
Glad you took the challenge, even though you missed the deadline
Overall impression~
This seemed to be cross between a Twilight Zone episode and a divine intervention. It almost gave me goosebumps.
Suggestion for improvement~
*Get up and get out of here, he told himself, but his feet wouldn’t move.
~Get up and get out of here, he told himself, but his feet wouldn’t move.
I like to put thoughts into italics, it helps them stand out more.
That was absolutely adorable! What bride doesn't wish for her wedding to go without a hitch? I also loved the part with the "Ring Bear"! It's amazing what little ones will come up with when they misunderstand.
Suggestions:
I always love descriptions. Maybe a bit more descriptions of the wedding dress and surroundings, so that the reader can "see" the wedding more lively.
Typos:
*“That ‘s not the last time you’ll see that look,” he laughed.
~ extra space after t
Thank you for taking a moment to accept our challenge to you- to write!
Feelings inspired by this piece:
As a reader, I can feel that this writer has found a wonderful site that not only helps her to become a better writer, but also a more dedicated one as well. I also get the feeling that this site has added a bit to her self-esteem in the validation from other writers.
Suggestions for improvement:
Very interesting as is
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 10:20pm on May 17, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
