As my children both grew past the age of the "tooth fairy", I also ran into these types of issues. It's nice to read others adventures as well.
Suggestions for improvement:
* It was a day like any other in my mundane life. I drove to work and home again, took care care of the pets, made dinner for my wife, daughter and myself, then sat on the couch with a beer or two watching TV, waiting to fall asleep. What I didn't realize is that the day would turn out differently than I expected. It would be a day of revelation.
~ Looking back now after reading your entire piece, my suggestion would be to skip this part and go directly into the story because you actually repeat this all within the story.
Typos:
*I drove to work and home again, took care care of the pets, made dinner for my wife
~ duplicate word
*"Guess what," she said.
~"Guess what?" she questioned.
*I told her that we kept the first one she lost, the first front tooth she lost and
~repeatition of idea, not needed
I was so interesting wandering through your port. I particular, this item caught my eye, so I thought that I might take a few moments and tell you what I thought.
I applauded your strength in ability to write such a beautiful rememberance piece on your son. He reminds me a lot of my son, who's almost 15. I don't know what I'd do if either him or my 17 yr. old daughter would be stricken in such a way.
Suggestions: My only suggestion would be to add in how his friends reacted, and how his three months worth of remission were filled.
I was so interesting wandering through your port. I particular, this item caught my eye, so I thought that I might take a few moments and tell you what I thought.
A thoughtful look at the things that run through your mind when you are alone, walking in the dead of the night. (At least it appears to be well lit for safety wise.)
Suggestions: None that I can think of.
Typos: In your description-
*What wonders your mind?
~ try this: What wanders through your mind?
Your question and poll is good in theory, put you have assumed that that answers are all- "I don't". What about the ones of us that do attempt to read, review and rate these pieces?
This wonderful site is meant to encourage writers in their growth and depth of writing. If we don't take the time to help, how can we expect others to help us?
This reminds a lot of the juvenile readers series "Vampires don't..." or "Mermaids don't..." Filled with tint quirks and unanswered questions. This poor vampire, not only does he not rectify his situation, he makes it worse!
Suggestions: Maybe try to explain a little bit more as to why this man doesn't want to be a vampire.
A very cute piece, but not exactly what I had expected. I had thought that the appliances were going to be animated!
Suggestions:
Being that the title is already on the piece, repeating it in the body of the piece is not neccessary
Typos:
*At the end of every long, tiring day of office At the end of every long, tiring day at the office
wrong word
*ruined if not for our fridge!Not to mention ruined if not for our fridge! Not to mention
missing space after !
*"Well, I said hesitantly our first speech was too short; the last one was…unique in context, my husband bowed low. Err, the refrigerator wins." "Well", I said hesitantly, "Our first speech was too short...
This feels a lot like the simple Japanese Haiku, but longer. Direct to the point and filled with imagery of spring, I enjoyed this piece.
Suggestions:
With the title already on this piece, repeating it on the body of the piece is not necessary.
Style wise, try accenting your words with a bit of ML coloring, it adds that special kick that brings you piece to the top above others.
Typos:
*Deep in the ground,as searching footsteps.
I always say "I'm only as old as I feel, and today is 21, but yesterday... don't even ask!" Anyway, a very cute piece that will bring a chuckle to many a 'middle-aged' woman!
Suggestions: None really, just correct the typos!
Typos:
* ‘Hi Nana!’
*‘I’m not your Nana. Do I look like your Nana?’
*‘Yeah, you kinda do.’ ~ use full quotation marks here
*After all, he would ask, how old do you expect to live to? My answer was ‘probably to my mid-seventies’. ‘There you go - you are middle-aged!” ~missing quotes in several spots
Such a pretty poem both in imagery of words and in optical value.
The use of the ML's to add color to this piece was clever. I'm guessing that the blue words were highlighted in this way because they were prompts words, but you might want to add an Author's note about this.
A very clever look at another way to "write home". I really liked the effect of the poem acting as the letter, the rhyming was even pleasent.
Suggestions:
I would have liked to have more to this piece, since it started out so well. Also, you mentioned a warning, but then didn't say what it was about. Elaborate please.
The fierce intensity of a forest fire is captured in this dramatic poem.
Suggestions: Add a bit of color to emphasize the drama of this piece. Red, orange and yellows for the fire and flames, then brown, black and gray when looking on the remains, then shades of green as the forest renews
This is a humorous and emotional look at the damage that can happen from a silly tease as we are growing up and the compassion of an almost-stranger that was able to correct the wrong.
Suggestions: None, except for correcting the typos
Typos:
*The pastors wife was about to hold her feet, her naked feet in her hands. pastor's
*Were her toes to long and crooked? Or where they just to ugly? too
*It was just her and the pastors’ wife. pastor's
This was such a sweet story, especially then ending.
But I have one question- will Paul still marry the other woman, knowing that Barbara is around and with his child?
A few typos and suggestion:
*It was time for the baby’s bottle so she looked round for a free bench but they were all taken.
~ 'round or around
*All cheerful she said “move up please, if you don’t mind it’s time for the baby’s bottle“
~ Cheerfully she said, "Move up please, if you don't mind, it's time...
*“Paul, fancy meeting you here I thought you had gone to England”
~ "Paul, fancy meeting you here! I thought you had gone to England.”
*“Not really I’m what Social Services call a single parent, a single mum. But me and wee Paul here get by, although my Mum wasn’t too pleased at first but she’s coming round”.
~ “Not really. I’m what Social Services calls a single parent, a single mum. But me and wee Paul here get by, although my Mum wasn’t too pleased at first, but she’s coming 'round”.
*“All you life”
~ "All your life."
*“Mine, My son, why on earth didn’t you contact me?”
~ “Mine? My son? Why on earth didn’t you contact me?”
*“You had your great plans for England I didn’t want to stand in your way. He wasn’t exactly planned”
~ "You had your great plans for England and I didn’t want to stand in your way.
*The old man looked at Paul cocked his head on one side and took the pipe from his mouth. This time there was no grunt.
~ The old man looked at Paul, cocking his head to one side, then he took the pipe from his mouth.
Such a sweet little story! I liked how you had the child work together in the entire story! And the two ending where sweet as well, but because they worked so well together, I think ending one is most appropriate!
A few small typos that I came across-
*...little girl called Poppet who was 6 and a half years old.
~ spell out six
* She had a younger Brother called Teddy who was 4 and a bit.
~ brother, four
* Poppet had an idea “why don’t we ask Mum and Dad for a puppy for Christmas”
~ Why and sentence is missing question mark after Christmas
*“What’s wrong” said Poppet
~ missing question mark
Welcome Newbie, to the most wonderful writing site that I have ever been on!
Overall impression~
I thought that this was quite clever. As a parent of a teen (actually two), and a used-to-be teen myself; I have run into all of these feelings more than once.
To be honest, I'm not well read on this form of poetry, so I checked it out, and you did very well.
Feelings inspired by this piece:
A peacefulness envelopes the reader as if they are hidden among the cattails watching the forest critters around this pond. Descriptions are colorful and imaginative, giving you the sense that you are "right there".
Suggestions for improvement:
The only thing that I felt was possibly missing was the song of the birds. I could picture hearing the birds twittering overhead as the raccoons and other creatures came to the edges of the pond.
I liked the descriptive aspects; flying mud, shells pounding and blood flows; lends to the overall feeling of the frighten soldier.
Changing the font from bold to italics at the end added that eerie quiet that gives the reader the unexplained goosebumps that seem to accompany emotional pieces like this. Great job.
After reading this, I feel as if I have walk through marble halls hung with amazing masterpieces trying so very hard to take it all in. So many colors, textures, lights and darks make out these pieces, it's too bad that some people can't see "in words".
An inspirational story with true moral issues. I liked the relationship between siblings as well as the eventual friendship with Ana. A bit more descriptions could be added to help the readers to really "see" what is going on.
A few typos that I found along the way.
*She has always been told that it would have
been different if daddy were around.
~ Daddy
*But, they started coming to the door he would
hide in the basement while they took everything of value from the place the called home.
~ But, then they started coming to the door. So he would hide in the basement while they took everything of value from the place they called home.
*Her mom worked two jobs trying to keep up, but she and her family still ended up in homeless shelter for over 6 months.
~ the homeless shelter
*The nights at the shelter always consisted of Andrew sitting on the corner his bed,
~of his bed
Keep writing!
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