I enjoyed this surreal story. Thank you for posting it on "Invalid Item" .
While I beg to differ about the innocence of the magpie, and I am no redneck, I think your point is well made and clear.
There are many legends and superstitions surrounding the magpie. I would have been tempted to allude to some of these.
The rhythm and rhyme of this story is very pleasing. It flowed beautifully. You might have used more imagery. It would have enriched this very short piece.
There is something very pleasing in the simplicity of this poem. It reminded me in its images of "Ozymandias" by P. B. Shelly. I could see the consuming nature of the sand.
There is one grammatical error, Where once they'd sang you need sung. Sang is the past perfect tense of the verb to sing. You need the past participle because you have used to have as the verb here (they'd they had).
I like the note of hope at the end of this poem. It lifts it above the normal anguish.
Thank you for posting this song on "Invalid Item" .
It is very emotional and I was in no doubt about it's message. You clearly describe the misery of an unhappy marriage.
The first stanza is strong in its imagery. I found it very powerful and a good introduction to your theme.
The idea of a candle burning out as love is lost, is not very original though. You may find a more innovative image would help raise this work above so many others.
Your description of the tension and fighting is vivid, I cannot fault the power, but again I was looking for something startlingly fresh, and this poem just misses that.
My only advice would be to try to be less poetic, and more brutal with the imagery. Don't dispense with metaphor, because it is very important, but try to find ones that are less soft. Get some harshness, or raggedness into the sound of the words. This would reflect the emotion better.
Eggshells rule my day this line of the refrain is expressive, but it is a cliche. I liked it because it gave us some brittleness, but is there any other, maybe even more powerful, way of making this poem snap?
Try using hard consonant sounds alliteratively. Your poem describes the feelings at the moment. With more sharpness, you could evoke them in your reader.
Thank you for posting this story on "Invalid Item" .
This is a funny story.
It is written very much from a woman's point of view, even though the narrator is a man. Here's a prime example, Looking down at my dirty towels and discarded pajamas, I figured I might as well leave them since Marion was going to have to mop up the water I had somehow managed to let escape from the shower anyway, she would never want me to hurt myself further trying to pick them up.
I think you need to edit this ruthlessly. There is rather too much padding. Let me give you an example, using the quote above: it could be slimmed down dramatically: My pyjamas and towels lay in a puddle on the bathroom floor. Marion would not want me straining myself, so I left them for her to deal with. This is only a very quick re-write, I am sure you can come up with something more punchy, but as brief. The whole story would benefit from this kind of trimming.
Avoiding "had" is a good way of tightening your style. eg, I had planned well into the morning hours... and, so I figured I had better run in and surprise her You will find the it's not necessary much of the time. You could also cut some phrases, like "I decided.." or I figured..." The reader will assume you are telling the story from one point of view, unless told otherwise. eg, Figuring on making up 3 or 4 of those sandwiches, I decided I would need a fair amount.Three to four sandwiches would soak up a fair amount.
getting to my own job anyway I recommend cutting "anyway" here.
There are some gems of irony, eg, being barefoot the carpeting helped to dry my feet off. which it would be a crime to cut . The more subtle the humour the funnier I found it. The repetition of "Marion would prefer..." etc, began to pall a little, towards the end.
I think you did a great job of giving us a farcical and vivid image of the chaos.
It is a story about leaving behind childish things, and the loss of innocence. You see this as a positive experience, and I agree. The white rabbit is an allegory for many aspects of life, including faith, as in the original Alice in Wonderland.
I enjoyed the realism of the meeting and the parting. The reincarnation at the end gave the story a charming conclusion.
I would suggest a little careful editing, to minimise repetition and some strange connotations. I think you could refer to the rabbit hole using more variety of language. The third from last paragraph and the penultimate paragraph repeats the word, "hole" too often. There is also some intended (I suspect) repetition earlier on, once clear and well-worn...once a warm and inviting place, I felt this sounded a little clumsy.
The first paragraph is an excellent hook for the story, but I would advise against using the well-worn phrase, It was with some trepidation and a very real sense of sadness . It is the first phrase of the story and needs to be more fresh.
The title caught my attention, it sounds like an "Agathy Christie" or "Murder She Wrote" type tale. How wrong can one be!
The unusual beings, with their green hair, and purple skin show us how un-Agatha Christie this is.
The story is fine, it could go on to be a very entertaining quest, but you do need to edit it for spelling and punctuation. You have placed commas in unorthodox places. This causes the flow to be severly interrupted at times. This is an example, I don’t like small, talk it takes too long
The typos will be picked up when you comb through this yourself, but by way of example here's a couple: I can not lonely shift to any form and your cigarettes have killed too any of your brain cells.
You should space out your paragraphs with at least a line-space between them. This helps us poor readers, who will be reading from a screen.
I enjoyed the humorous tone of your writing. Your heroine seems well formed and intriguing. I hope you continue with this and make a fascinating story from it.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog{e;flower5}
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This is the story in your portfolio with fewest views, so I thought I would read it and boost it's view rate. Also, I have a problem with music, so the title appealed to me .
This menacing story has all the good ingredients and you are a great chef. You build the suspense, decribe your character so clearly, and develop the plot very well. There is even a flick in the tail, which neatly ties up a stray end .
I enjoyed this very much.
Technical Nit-picking
fools-fools and her-her fools - fools... and her - her.... you need to leave a space either side of the dash.
but he tried not to let those times last too long...until the cymbals I think you need to round this paragraph off a little differently. As it is, it looks like the cymbals stopped him from not making "those times last too long." That's not what you mean. You could sort this out by just adding a phrase.but he tried not to let those times last too long. Yes, he was content in his work - until the cymbals.
This is a heart-warming anecdote, which shows how strong your family is.
As a new-comer to your portfolio, I was a little destracted by the reference to the rehab centre and then the severe level of your incapacity. I decided that you must have been getting over a stroke, a spinal injury, or something like that. I am probably completely wrong. I think it would be good to briefly explain what your circumstances were.
I know you probably have given full details elsewhere in your portfolio, but each piece should stand by itself, unless it is obviously linked to other pieces, like chapters in a book, for instance.
I enjoyed your writing style and found this very easy to read. I spotted no errors.
Thank you for posting this essay on "Invalid Item"
I think this is a mature and well argued essay. You give examples and examine both sides of the argument.
I think you could improve it by offering more references. This means that the website and newspaper articles you mention should be credited. Maybe you could enrich your essay with more quotations from opposing sides.
Some Americans feel very insulted when the response to the Katrina disaster is criticised, why is this? There is fervent denial of racism or selfishness widely expressed in relation to this question. How do these people justify their strong denial? Look for quotes and give them. The more the merrier.
Tens of thousands had no transportation to leave, give sources for such claims.
You need to break up the paragraphs more. You should also set it out with line spaces between paragraphs.
Run it through a spell checker. I spotted one typo, but there could be more.
poverty was one of s the central causes
I loved the quote you gave “When someone is drowning, you throw him a rope, you don’t criticize the way he is swimming.” I just wish you knew who said it.
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I loved the intense descriptions. It made me want to go and make some pumpkin pies of my own. You captured the atmosphere of the warm kitchen and the character of the nervous young man so well.
with a smile that titled almost perfectly on her face. I don't inderstand this expression. Is it a typo - or just a usage I have not heard before?
even now, she wore her up. This lost me too - maybe I'm just dim-witted today!
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You use strong imagery and the story has a good pace. There are just a few small errors, that a thorough edit will iron out. This is a sadly topical theme, and it may distress some.
This is such an unusual, fresh story. I really loved you style and wanted to story to go on and on. The character of Charlie is wonderful, I hope he survived.
"...he tried to manuever his large, ponderous body..." manoeuvre or maneuver.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Thank you for entering this story in "Invalid Item" .
I love the description. You have a talent for observation and I was impressed by the little incidents you picked out. The cigarette ash on the window, the reaction of the window-shopper and the lady in the red scarf.
This is also a fascinating insight into the seriousness of insomnia. I found the conversation with Clive informative and it made me realise how terrible insomnia must be.
There were a couple of typos, (eg: in two places you've used "bye" incorrectly by, and "bellow" should be below.)
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog*flower*
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Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" with this story. It is fun and imaginative.
I have a couple of tips for you. Firtly, it is easier on tired screen-weary eyes if you separate your paragraphs with a line space. Also, I think this is a little too reminiscent of Harry Potter. The success of the Harry Potter stories has spawned a new genre of its own - based on magic schools. Your story is carefully written but would be even better if it had a more original premise.
Thank you for entering this tale for "Invalid Item"
This is a moving story that neatly illustrates the grief and confusion caused by Katrina. Even little children empathised with the plight of their fellow men.
I read this story because it had such a glowing review from another author.
I have to say that it is a beautiful piece of writing. Although years and cultures separate us, this brought back such pleasant memories for this old bat.
The voice of the story is pristine and in perfect character. The casual, yet vivd language conveys the mood and sense wonderfully.
Thank you for posting this story on "Invalid Item" .
The quality of the writing is good. You have a pleasing rhythm and style.
I found the opening paragraphs easy to read because the language and variety of sentence structure pulled me into the prose. I found the subject matter a little lack-lustre. So often, certain types of story open with this, "I don't know how long I've been here..." scenario. You do warn, at the beginning, that this story is part of a larger group and that knowledge of the whole series is recommended, so maybe my mild irritation with the cliched scene, is unfair.
This story is not complete. It seems to be more of a chapter in a a much longer work. This made it difficult for me to see it as a piece that would be published as a stand-alone item. You ask whether there are any recommendations for commercial publishing. My only suggestion would be to make it a complete story.
I spotted one technical flaw;
The reflection of me in the mirror is unfamiliar I would phrase this slightly differently, My reflection in the mirror is unfamiliar...
Thank you for posting this beginning of a story on "Invalid Item" I loved it.
I usually like your writing and you did not disappoint me with this. I can't wait to read the finished story. The characters are interesting me, already. I also found your description. (eg, mud pot gray skies of early winter gurgled overhead, ) vivid.
I happen to live in a close-knit village community, where I know almost everyone I see, when I walk down the high street. It is one of the reasons I choose to live here. Neighbourly interest and support is essential to me.
This story could go in so many directions, I suppose you are spoilt for choice. Maybe there is a romance in the offing. What ever you decide to do with this, please finish it, and let me know when you do.
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item" .
I am sorry that it has taken me some time to review it. I have been away on holiday.
I had to do some research about Michael Brown and his job in The Federal Emergency Management Agency. His resignation did not make big news here in the UK, unless it was just that I was too busy stomping through heather, to notice.
It seems that he was a well respected under secretary who had been put in his job by George W. Bush himself. The irony of his glowing biography on the FEMA website is quite chilling. Brown is praised for his lightning-fast reactions to a list of disasters including a 2003 hurricane. It seems he lost some of his skills between then and 2005.
Your poem is only 8 lines long and does a good job of high-lighting an over-looked news story. I think you could have made it longer and helped poor ignorant, non-Americans to understand more deeply. It is not entirely clear what you think of Michael Brown and his resignation. Your point seems to be that too much time was spent covering his departure from his post, when there were other, more news-worthy stories. But you may be saying that Michael Brown did a fine job, and his resignation meant that the potential disaster went unreported because he was not there to respond to it. I think you may want to be more explicit.
The structure of the poem could be improved. Some of the rhymes seem contrived. For example, anymore and floor does not work well. The rhyme is fine, but the word choice does not sound natural. It seems that floor has been selected purely for the rhyme.
The famous Twin Towers, they don't exist anymore.
Hijacked planes turned buildings into a floor.
could be smoothed out to something like,
New York's Twin Towers aren't there anymore,
Highjacked planes shook America's core.
I don't think that's great, but it's slightly neater. Maybe you could play around with it and come up with a perfect solution.
You should also watch your rhythm more carefully. Try syllable counting and match the lines for beats and stresses. This will make the poem flow better.
You have a good, original idea here. I hope you will find time to iron out some of the creases, and add more flesh.
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they had).
. The more subtle the humour the funnier I found it. The repetition of "Marion would prefer..." etc, began to pall a little, towards the end.
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. This is a clever verse and i did not see the punch-line coming.