Hi Scottiegazelle
I thought I owed you a good review .
The characterisation in this story, is excellent.
Clearly this has been written to illustrate a dreadful situation for the benefit of those who find themselves in a similar one. The links given at the end will be very helpful, I'm sure.
Was there a word limit? I think this could be deeper and longer.
Abused women often blame themselves and find it difficult to leave because they rely on their abusive partner, not just for money and status, but often because it is the only relationship in their lives.
You touched on the feeling of shame that an abused woman feels, near the end; "...she wouldn’t have to come up with any excuses since there were no visible bruises." but up to then, she seemed defiant. The narration seems to be from her point of view, and this makes the reader feel that you are giving the woman's thoughts. I suspect that this is not your intention.
This line, for instance, "No mention of the long days she spent on her feet waitressing." seems to be her thoughts. An abused woman, who is still not ready to leave, is unlikely to think like this. She would feel that her abuser has a valid point. She would belittle her responsibility and effectiveness, in her own mind. If you want to make the point that she does not deserve the criticism, you might use the voice of the man to convey it or maybe have another character, like a friend, make the point.
The abuser could say something like, "And don't think that pathetic little waitressing job, you waste your time at, is a good enough excuse not to keep this place clean." Do you see what I mean?
I also think more abused women would identify with this if you focussed more on the woman's shame. This is often the hardest thing for such a woman to get over. She would feel that her situation makes her a low-life, worthless person. She would think, "If the man I love, and is supposed to love me, can do these things to me - what a bad person I must be."
These are just my opinions, but I hope they are helpful. I have one friend who was abused for 18 years. She is now in a happy marriage, but she has often spoken to me about her former misery. My interpretation of the victim mentality within abusive relationships has been formed through lengthy discussion of the subject with her and other former victims. Even now, my friend will say things like, "I'm such a bad judge of character." She still blames herself in some way.
Tiny Notes
She poured the juice and put it back in the fridge. maybe, she poured the juice and put the carton back in the fridge. would be less ambiguous. The only reason this is worth clearing up is that it may distract the reader, the way it stands.
He ignored it and dove back into his breakfast. this may be a trans-Atlantic difference but how do you think, dived sounds, rather than dove?
From a quick glance at all the awardicons in this folder, it seems that you are well on your way to becoming a very successful, published author. I hope my suggestions here help in some tiny way, but at no stretch, would I claim superior expertise in this field.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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