Thank you for entering the November round of "Invalid Item" .
I'm getting very fond of Lulu-Bell. She's certainly a force to reckon with. I enjoyed this story but being a dog lover, I was left worrying about what happened to the beautiful Pyrenean Mountain dogs (I assume that's what they were )?
I think you should have whiskey bottles breaking at the pool hall, because beer won't catch light.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
Thank you for entering the November round of "Invalid Item" .
This is an extraordinary story of high drama and weird magic. It seemed a little naive. The explanation; conversation with David and the magical Mrs. Freeman stretched my belief a little too far.
You develop the fear and tension very well. I was a little confused by the X disappearing, you could look at that paragraph again, and see if you can tidy it up, maybe make it less complicated.
I liked this line, the "whop-whop" is perfect. A loud caw overhead combined with the whop-whop of wings made him look up.
Typos/Errors A huge black raven dove straight for him, I know it is common in American English to use dove, like this, but I think it sounds particularly odd here, because you are talking about a raven, and this word made me think of a dove. This is how I would write this, A huge black raven dived straight for him, If you can't stand this and it sounds too English, try swooped.
The wind from the wings blew around him .... This might be better; He felt the down-draft from the wings as the claws...
Darby barked bears that came around the house...barked at bears...
He spit out a pebblespat.
I hope my comments are of some use to you. Thank you for the exciting read
Good Luck in the Contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I really enjoyed this Texan tall tale. It was fun and the dialect was written very well; I could hear, that lil' ol' storyteller, real good.
Even though this is written in strong Texan, there are some points of spelling you may like to consider.
Suggested Edits
bought a big 'ol wench and mounted it in the bed This may well be colloquial, but in some places it means "woman," do you mean, "winch"?
The we both jumped outta the way then.
hocky hockey.
starein' outstarin' out
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
Spoiler Alert
This review might give away part of the plot, which a reader might prefer not to know.
If I've got the right gist, this story is about God completing unfinished business. The unfinished business being an attempted suicide, earlier in Frank's life.
It's a good idea, and I think you could make it work very well. Maybe a little more information would bring the point home a little more strongly. You could explore the realisation dawning on Frank, and maybe even give a flash-back to the original event.
There is some tidying to do.
Suggested edits "For the sake of this conversation, you can just call me God," who, for the sake of this conversation, we shall call God. "Get in." this is not quite clear, do you mean, "For the sake of this conversation, you can just call me God," said the man who, for the sake of this conversation, we shall call God. "Get in."?
He had somewhat of a smile on his face; not altogether unpleasant. I recommend, He had a slight smile; not altogether unpleasant.. on his face is strictly unnecessary, and somewhat is not quite right, it would be better as something, but I think my suuggestion does the job more simply.
God seemed to enjoy the sound of his voice because his tone was always more masculine then it should have been and smoothed with a facade of well-being that sounded nothing like the real thing. this sentence lost me. Maybe you could sharpen it.
Frank spit in disgust.spat
I enjoyed this story.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is an interesting story with lots of possiblities. It's just too short, and those possiblilities are not fully explored.
I liked the name of the detective agency, and think you could mention Asimov's three laws of robotics. The first law making a robot assassin impossible. Even though this robot is trying to kill another robot, not a human, you do refer to previous murders. Is the termination of a robot a murder?
What's happened to all the humans? How are the robots powered? Are all cars listed as stolen? Who are the rightful owners of cars? What is a world peopled only by robots actually like? Do the robots develop relationships? This is just a tiny fraction of the questions you could explore with this story.
This was a tantalising read.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This story had me gripped throughout. I love the way you painted all the scenery for me and the characters were absolutely large as life.
I would have liked to know what finally happened to Edgar.
Suggested Edits She once complained about having to wear other kid's old clothes or ones her mother remade and heard sharply her father thought other things more important than clothes for children. This is a very long sentence and there is no punctuation to help the reader travel through it. Maybe you could add a few commas, or split the sentence down. She once complained about having to wear other kid's old clothes, or ones her mother remade. She was told how her father thought there were things more important than clothes for children. or something like that.
Martha saw trains before in the distance, but never realized their size and loudness. I suggest, Martha had seen trains before but only from a distance. She had never realised how big and loud they were.
Good luck with the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is a great, original idea and you do it well.
One criticism; you mention his name, Martin, too often. Try and sprinkle more pronouns in there.
Lovely, short, amusing, disturbing and cynical .
Good luck in the contest.
Love
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I don't know if Scarlett's son's visit to Hue inspired this story, or if it was already written, but it was certainly worth writing.
The poignancy of the protest, as Doc returned home was very stark, and echoed his refusal to accept the praise from the General, while in his hospital bed.
The relevence of the Vietnam experience should not be lost on your modern readers.
Suggested Edits ... with whom he would share the next thirteen months with.
the meat grinder known as Vietnam, and later, into the meat grinder known as Hue, and a later the meat grinder of war, There are too many meat grinders. Perhaps this is intended to be a motif, but I think something original would work better. Meat grinder is already a cliche. Alternatively, you could make a definite feature of it, and actually change the title, to "Meat Grinders," or maybe even, "Ground Beef."
Fifteen out of almost eighty in the platoon……….how many, he wondered, had died because of that radio call. This confused me. Which radio call? Doc threw a smoke bomb before he made any call. Asking how many died, seems odd here. Obviously, 65 died. Just a thought.
Good luck in the contest.
Love
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is a well developed story, which takes the reader on an intersting journey. The characters of Mark and Josh are closely observed.
I have a few issues with the beginning of the story, because I don't think it is strong enough. So many stories begin with the protagonist getting up in the morning. It seems a bit dull. I know you quickly move on to some of the most honest and frank character sketching I've read for a while , but maybe you should think about pulling your readers in, not scaring them off, at this stage of the story.
All in all though, I think this is a good story. It has something to say, and it does it with a light touch, even though the shock ending is very dramatic.
suggested Edits
Josh couldn’t wait to get home and tell his mom how well it had went.gone
“I got better things to do then help you anyway!”than
he tended to be somewhat of a loner. I might be being a bit picky here, but you use the word, somewhat a few times. I'd cut it if I were you. The word tended shows that he's not an out-and-out antisocial hermit.
but no one he really cared about or who cared for him. this seems unwieldy to me. Maybe something neater like, but no one significant. This has the connotation you may be looking for.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
You have a talent for capturing the mood of the moment. I loved your description of the ride over the trees. This image is especially pleasing: ...when his mustache shifted to a smiley face while his body bounced in the sprung-up seat.
I loved this passage too, Pap’s shaded silhouette riding the tractor my way down the straight path could make for a nice Kodak. To my surprise, he recently took up in cowboy hats and pipe smoking, a new phase of his. A cloud of smoke crawls out from the curve of his hat. If his tractor was a horse, he’d look like he was straight out of a Western.
This is a wonderful examination of two characters. Pap is written so vividly, I feel I would recognise him if I met him. Excellent work.
Suggested Edits Brown colored trees... Three things wrong here; first you don't need colored; secondly, you should give the species of tree. Always be specific is good advice; and finally, though I hate to contradict your overwhelmingly excellent observation, trees are rarely brown. Are you sure?
...we’d drive over top the down trees that were on tap to be cut, split and burned in the woodstove. I had to re-read this to understand it. It's almost a tongue-twister and the close proximity of over, top and down gave me a preposition headache . Then the word, tap added to the surreal quality of the phrase, by echoing top. This is how I suggest you fix this, ...we'd drive over the felled trees, which we would soon split to be burned in the woodstove.
This sentence is particularly poignant, and tells us a great deal about the relationship between the boy and his father: There was always some kind of confidence that he had in me that I myself could never seem to find. I would just cut the thats. It would then read more smoothly, There was always some kind of confidence he had in me I myself could never seem to find.
To get his house kicking with heat for the upcoming winter is the reason why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. This sentence sounds awkward. Try, The reason I’m doing what I’m doing right now is to get his house kicking with heat for the upcoming winter.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I love the dialogue in this story. It's natural, lively and provides a great contrast to the grief and fear. There is one exception to this, and that's the nurse's speech at the end. I think it is highly unlikely a nurse would say this to another patient. If I'm wrong, then you need to convince the reader that a nurse would say such a thing, or simply use another character, maybe cleaner or another patient.
This is a very moving story. It is a snap-shot from recent history and it has a powerful effect on the reader.
Suggested Edits ...are an extreme, sterile, white... and a little later:An extremely loud beeping... This repetition should be avoided.
...and just about any other place possible. I think this sounds flippant and distracts from the intensity of the opening paragraph. I would cut it if I were you.
The KS lesions... I suggest you use the full name here, Kaposi's Sarcoma. Many of your readers will not know what these are, but the full name will give them a little more to work with.
I was one of the first in my group of friends to get this... If this character developed HIV from a blood transfusion isn't it unlikely that he would be part of a community of friends many of whom subsequently contracted it? This sounds like something a gay man would say. Furthermore, it seems that you are trying to illustrate that your character got the disease through no fault of his own. Most would now agree that no fault of his own actually includes homosexual sufferers. Maybe not in 1987, but certanly in 2006. So I think you should consider this point and think about whether it is necessary for the story for your patient to be a blood-transfusion victim.
Thanks again for entering the contest and good luck.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
Hi Susan. Your sister-in-law has sent me to see you.
I loved this poem. It is definitely meant to be read aloud. I can just imagine you giving this to a crowd of shining faces, reflecting the fire-light, at a pow-wow.
You use the sounds of the words so skillfully. The onamatopoeia, the cadence of the rhythm and the lovely, gentle and natural rhymes are wonderful. I wanted to read it again and again.
I can't seriously criticise the cliche at the end, because the poem works on a sound level so well it seems churlish to complain about such a thing, but maybe you might want to look at that.
Love
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I think you achieve an admirable aim with this poem. It tells the story quite lucidly. You also draw a conclusion and make an interesting point.
I am English and am certainly no expert on American history. My ancestors, at least on my father's side, stayed this side of the Atlantic.
I did not know this story, and don't know how it is generally presented in American schools. This poem will help students remember the facts and the significance of these events.
As a poem, however, I hope I don't dismay you by saying it lacks some major desirable features. You have not used any poetic techniques, other than rhythm (which creaks a little in places) and rhyme. Unfortunately, a good poem needs to breathe. Some imagery, use of language to enhance the mood, and a deeper consideration of meter would lift this poem above the status of doggerel.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is a delightful creation myth. You have worked hard on making valid points, and I think it works well.
I spotted a few edit points:
"...each creature’s life is imperceptibly finite relative to the eternal span of time..." bad word choice here methinks . I might be wrong but I think the finiteness (if indeed that's a word) of a creature's life is very perceivable. Maybe you should just cut imperceptibly.
"...the male human exited the egg and assumed his position next to his cohort." A cohort is a phalanx of soldiers, a tenth of a Roman legion to be precise. I think you mean consort.
protégé you might be able to copy and paste this, with the acute accents. Otherwise, try insert then symbol on your wordprocessor to find accented letters.
"...the more precision and care were required for its creation." This should be was.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This could be a brilliantly satirical piece if you just expanded it a bit further.
I love the character of the ignorant skeptic, so build on that and make him even more outrageous. It would be a good idea to gather together all the skeptical arguments and then present them from this moron's point of view. Use all the red-neck posturing and lingo you can manage, and don't forget the hyperbole.
Be as OTT as you like, that's what most people find funny.
Here's a sample of the sort of thing I mean:
"It's all a conspiracy man. Those rag-head arabs are letting the oil pour into their camel-dung infested deserts and we're going to have to pay more for our gas. No s***! The way I see it, we should nuke the lot of them, and then there'd be plenty of gas in the pumps.
This greenhouse gas thing is just communist crap. I mean did you see that show about the melting icecaps? I know someone who knew someone who was a sound engineer on that, and he said they were melting the ice with blow-torches just for the cameras...."
You culd have a lot more fun with this
Love
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I think this is a well plotted story. By the way, I prefer ending one. Ending 2 is too drawn out and it would be difficult to maintain interest.
The characterisation is good, particularly Yvonne and Jack.
I liked the dialogue at the dinner table too. It seemed real and moved the story along.
The title of the story has me stumped. I don't know what it refers to. All the way through I was expecting Yvonnes's gruesome murder, and Jack's horrific disposal of the body. I think you need to find something more fitting for the title.
The detective acts as a deus ex machina, and this is not the best way to present the denoument. I would let the story unravel more naturally. It might be better to let Jack realise his error for himself. The young couple's in-put is not necessary, in my opinion.
The final paragraphs seemed rushed. Gone was the gentle and careful characterisation and excellent description of the earlier part of the story. I think you need to spend a little more time on the revelation. Maybe Marge could go missing, and Jack's concerns about his daughter could grow steadily, until the visit of the detective finally brings home to him what a fool he's been. This would add tension to the story.
This is a remarkable essay, full of thoughtful vision. You made me nod so many times, as I was reading. Some of what you say here, I thought were my own ideas - how refreshing to see they are held more widely than that.
Unfortunately, I fear corporate and money-power in general is not going to give up its grasp easily. I think it would rather see the world implode than give an inch of its territory. The greed of powerful men is staggering and completely destructive.
I hope more will read this essay, and take the ideas you express, to others. You are right, if the planet is to be saved these changes must take place.
This is an innocent and sweet story, told with compassion. You did a great job describing the gushing fountains of water.
Suggestions and Typos We ending up in the same class....ended...
When I would got home he and I would play school if he was felling well enough. Then I would got home he and I would play school if he was feeling well enough.
mommy was worried that he might catch the influenza that seemed to be everywhere. you need a capital letter at the beginning of this sentence.
As our teacher told us to set down the door to the hall opened....sit... and you need a comma after down.
as one by one parents came to the door to take their student away. The children were not their parent's students. It would be better to write, ...to take their children away
in the hugh truck waiting to reach safety. ...huge...
Daddy and me were left behind at the school. Daddy and I...
About at week after they were taken to the hospital About a week...
I think this story is funny and well-observed. There are some great lines and I laughed out loud at times. There may not be anything particularly surprising about the plot of this story, but it is written with a freshness and sense of humour, which charmed me.
Quote: ...prone to inexplicable acts of bravery, sometimes wore the same socks two days in a row, and was incapable of properly balancing the check book. This line made me laugh. It's a good way to begin your story because it drew me into the character of Murray.
I think you need to tidy it up in places. The following edit notes may help.
Suggestions
Murray was a “Man’s Man,” and was prone to inexplicable acts... Cut the inverted commas:- Murray was a man's man and was prone to inexplicable acts...
Of course, they WERE awfully high. I suggest you put were in italics, rather than caps. Caps are often over-used and appear unprofessional when used in this way.
...and thought, How the hell long is this stupid ride, anyway? I would recommend italics here too.
One thought meandered around inside his skull, ... I think you could cut inside here. It seems unnecessary to me, and economy is always a virtue .
Then he realized the screaming steel was his own moaning, and the shuddering was him as well. This sentence could be neater. Try something like, Then he realized the screaming and shuddering were closer to home - his own body to be precise.
Murray had just recently retired:- either just retired or recently retired. Both are not necessary.
but he was a “Manly Man,” and had pooh-poohed her concerns :- again, cut the inverted commas.
Once on Terra Firma, Murray regained his bravado. I would cut this sentence. Let his actions show his returned bravado, it would be funnier that way.
and scowled to voice her displeasure, why not use show instead of voice here? It is a silent expression, after all.
I think this story is a great idea. I love the voice you use and the whole thing about the story being told by the protagonist's imaginary friend.
You show understanding of your character's psychosis, even to the point of giving us a reason for it. The crazy path of the story, could be difficult for some readers to follow. I know it's part of the style of the story, but maybe a little more realism might help the plot.
For instance, why the ridiculous name, Eugenia Fudge? How come she falls for him so quickly? If, as I suspect, she is yet another imaginary character, I think you could make it clearer.
Boring Ol' Nuts and Bolts! who's love takes place in their sweet dreamswhose love takes place...
also know as Two less lonely people.also known as Two Less Lonely People.
Thank you for posting this story on "Invalid Item" I like the way this story seems to be over the garden fence. The chatty style may lack literary elegance, but you've certainly given this woman a clear voice.
I liked the coarseness, but some may find the vulgar language too rich. It seems an important part of her character, so I'd ignore criticisms in that direction, if I were you. For this story to work, the protagonist needs to be seen as a shallow woman, and the language helps to portray that.
I love the twist at the end. I think it's a real surprise.
Suggestions
but they had hazel eyes. Go figure. I'd cut the "Go figure." I know this is written in a chatty style, but this expression is very well-worn.
I'd mid as well take a shower. This might be a colloquialism I'm not familiar with, but shouldn't it be "might"?
From the beginning of Evan and I's relationship , This is not correct, and it sounds awkward too. Try, From the beginning of my relationship with Evan to the point of no return... Beware of cliches here too. Point of no return is a cliche, but I suppose you're allowed a few if you think of them as characteristics of the narrator's voice. Nevertheless, too many will seem dull.
Thank you for posting this story on "Invalid Item" .
I loved the idea of a letter from a ghost. You manage to capture the florid language of the period, and this is accurately written. I spotted no errors.
I am at a loss, however to fathom ('scuse the pun) what exactly this is about. Is it a famous event in American history? If so please forgive my ignorance. There will be many like me though, who might not know the details and references.
Why were the crew labelled, "hoodlums and terrorists"? What was the mission? What had caused the controversy?
The submarine had acquired the reputation of being an underwater death trap. Regardless of character, it is always a good idea to avoid unnecessary words. I recommend deleting underwater here.
You tend to use the phrases, "watery grave" and "iron coffin" too frequently. Once each should be the limit.
This is an intriguing tale, I just wish it was slightly less enigmatic .
Having only spent a few hours on a stormy sea, and that was a cross-channel ferry, I was hhorrified at the thought of having to deal with relentless hours, maybe even days of rough weather. I suppose a young sailor has to learn to keep his balance and his breakfast, very quickly.
You describe these morning duties with humour. I enjoyed wincing and rolling with you as you battled with the mop and the swell. What a strong stomach you must have had.
Writing in second person is a tricky one to master. I think you used this unusual point of view appropriately. It added humour to the piece.
I noticed a few minor errors.
Imagin if you willimagine,
so hard you loose your breath...you lose your breath
Be careful your wearing shower shoes you're.
Once your in the showeryou're
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mavis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 10:03am on May 02, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
)? 
This is a great, original idea and you do it well. 
you might be able to copy and paste this, with the acute accents. Otherwise, try insert then symbol on your wordprocessor to find accented letters. 
Why were the crew labelled, "hoodlums and terrorists"?