I can see where you’re trying to go with this story and I like it very much. I can see that it needs a lot more editing to remove some paragraphs, and words that are unnecessary. I’m sending you a little of the editing for this piece and hopefully it will give you some understanding of what to use and what not to use.
Writing stories such as this one could be very informative and fun but the over use of so many words could be the downfall to reading, and take your story downhill. I would love to reread it again when it has been edited and I truly love the concept as I am a big fan of little fa’s.
Wow! What a sad story. You allowed me too see the inside of this dark, hollow place this person dwells and the journey was everything you described.
I watched has she tore and pulled at her skin and I cried for her suffering and pain. I could hear the screaming of the many personalities that tried to rip and deprive her of her mind and body.
Then came the end and a quiet calm comes over me and I can feel that she is now at the control and knows that her help lies right there within. I am certain there is peace within.
Thank you for sharing and you did a great job of telling this story. The only suggestion I might offer and it is only a suggestion: try to see this piece not centered maybe indented would work better. Beautiful job I’m glad to call you my buddy.
Hugs
Marlena
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I am so very glad to meet you strong girl,
I am so happy to see that you made it
into the light from a place so dark in your
heart.
Where little girls should not be hurt or abused
by anyone whether friend, family or foe.
It does not matter what you think about who you
are you have plenty of time to decide on that when
you heal.
I am also happy to see that you have a plan for your
life, and that you won't give up on yourself.
You came to a good place, where people care if
you have pain.
There are many groups of young people your age
who have been in that dark place that are
finding themselves and helping others who grieve,
and help them find their place.
Click on the image below and you'll find a friendly place!
I love that He' is your all n all and it is He' who will hold you up when you feel down, save your life should you drown. He' is your Father, Brother, Friend and he will be there for you because He is your personnel Friend. I really enjoyed your writing and it makes me smile to see that you are so grounded in His word.
This is truly one of the most riveting tributes to any people that I've read in quite some time. Many years ago when African Americans were asked why they would chose to move back to the south, the words most often used would be; "because we know what to expect down south...they won't smile in your face then stab you in the back like they do in the north." But thank God' for those like you who feel people are people, who live and love, eat and sleep like all the rest of the world. Thank you for sharing your story and I'll be back to visit again very soon.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Short and sweet, I love it, and I guess you could call it a quote for it says a lot in just 21 words. When love speaks - it is a road map because it takes you around so many curves, twists and turns, and yes you're so right you can get very lost on the way. Very cute and very true...I'll be back to visit again and please let me welcome you to Writing.Com. Hope to see you again real soon.
“The magnitude of this life's mistakes
Missed joys, so much sorrow
Will come back to her this night
In the dark, alone, with only herself to console her
She'll weigh the consequences of her past
With the hope she will not lose him.
She'll treasure every smile, every hand held out to her,
She'll hope for a kiss or hug offered without request
But she settles for a tickle, a razz on his belly.”
I felt the deeply emotional stirrings for the child, as well as the mother who due to her own circumstances loses the child she hoped to gain back. Some years ago while living in the state of GA for a few years I was asked by a social worker friend to apply for a foster child whom she felt needed a good and loving home and family. I won’t go into the details but the mother, a young women who thought that she was going to court to get her child back found out that her rights had been terminated, due to the fact that she had a young seven year old in her home who was abusive who was her natural child and brother to the little girl I was the foster parent too. I felt so sorry for the mother; but my little foster child who is an adult today was so like the child you write about. She looked at me and suggested we leave for home; as her mother cried and promised to get her back. She had been in so many foster care homes in her short five years that she showed no interest in her mother’s tears. Before I moved back home from Georgia, she had been adopted by a good family, and today is in college and doing quite nicely. I enjoyed your story told in poetry and thank you for telling this story.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Nice little twist in your story and I wonder where was everyone; even the camera watches seemed to be some place else. The heroin was truly a brave person by doing what she knew would bring security right away and perhaps saved her life. Nice read, and a very well written story.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
A lovely tribute to all those who have been touched by such abuse and who have been left to repeat the words that you have so lovingly expressed from your heart. Like you
I have never been a victim but know of those who have and have worked with those who have also been victims. This writing deeply touched my heart and bless you for reminding us that this is happening to some child or teenager at this very moment.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I must be truthful and tell you that I was very impressed with your short story. I'm so glad that I happened upon it, while visiting your port. I love the way in which you tell the story of the grandfather and how he has separated himself from a world that he feels has let him down and moves into the forest where no one can bother him until his time comes.
The ending took me by surprise, but my mind had wondered to the ultimate ending but I was not really sure until the end.
A short story but written from the heart.
Very well written and I wish you luck in the contest you've entered.
Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.com.
Sincerely
Marlena
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First I'd like to thank you for visiting my port this morning and for the very helpful and sweet review and advice -- I will definitely take your advice on my poem.
This was a very lovely tribute to your grandma - who sounded like a wonderful lady and a good friend to her grand-daughter. I know that she will be missed forever, but somehow you know she is close by. I found the repetition in the poem comforting; and in some cases it is not so - but yours came across so tender and heartwarming it made me feel as though I could pick her out in a crowd of people. Your brief description of her and her life style was refreshing and endeared her memory to us as you painted her care free way, her garden and the flowers that she took love and care in growing.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem and I'll be coming back again to visit very soon.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Thank God' for that *light* that scary day in the lonely woods of Georgia. He was a poor tortured soul, and I pray he found peace in the after life. You of course had an angel sitting on that log with you that day and thank God' you were able to walk away alive.
Jeanne, I must tell you that when you can tell a life story in 996 words it is to be commended. You captured my attention from the first sentence and had it until the end. You are a wonderful writer and I'm so happy that you made the decision to make a second home on WDC.
Thank you so much for sharing this story of abuse and for helping other young woman to know there is life after divorce if all else fails.
God bless and keep that beautiful spirit moving.
Sincerely
Marlena
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What a lovely tribute to your beautiful little daughter, this had to be a very tough story to write and my heart went right out to you. There is no love as deep for a special needs child like that of her mother who is with out a doubt a blessing and a true care giver. I've always said that God' brings these little angels into our lives for the special lessons we are to learn and that only another special angel would have the love and patience to handle such a special little life.
My sister, a very special angel herself, has one of these special little angels who brings so much joy into our daily life and makes us laugh at her antics on a daily bases. She is a tiny little person but very strong.
Another thing we have in common you and I. I sometimes wonder at the life my sister would have if she lost this little prize---as her other children are grown and she recently lost her youngest daughter to brain cancer in Nov. 05. I appreciate you sharing the story of little Lora Lee and it brought such tenderness to my heart that you could share with us her beautiful life.
Sometimes in life the most treasured - of our treasures is just a moment in time, but remembered forever more. This is just such a treasure and it captured the reader's attention from the very first moment.
These lines tell the whole story:
"Or maybe...
Just heartbeats that cannot
be bought or sold
though sickles showered
with sawdust may tell stories untold."
Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.Com.
Marlena
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G,
This piece is absolutely beautiful. The imagery fascinating and beyond clear, I saw her in my minds eye like I know her. I saw the rain falling while the window was left open to long covering sills and leaving puddles on the floor. I saw the sadness and the pain that only she could feel and know at her loss and my heart ached for her.
This was the perfect painting, I could not every expect more than this. Everything right in rhythm with the timing and the flow could not be better.
Thank you G, for letting me know I was never wrong about you as a writer, you are incredible artist waiting to explode upon the world. I am so glad I happened upon it.
You'll never guess where I found this piece; not in your port that's for sure. A beautiful and heartfelt piece of art work forever blended onto the pages of time. This woman could be any women anywhere, we can all relate to this art work dear G.....
Thank you for sharing
Love and big hugs
Marlena
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Each time I read your lovely words it brings remembrance of song's once sung, your words are forever beautiful and beyond lasting from one life time to another. Each line comes from the author's heart and sent to the heart of his readers. Always a work of art.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Thank you for stopping by my port today, for it is always a delight to have a new visitor to one's home. I came straight away to visit your port and also to say welcome to WDC, a little late but still right on time. I see we have things in common and one is writing among others. I love this piece and know that it is a singers trade mark and song writing and poetry you've found a home. Thank you so much for sharing and I'll help myself to a cuppa inspiration.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Like a good cup of coffee very enjoyable. This is my favorite genre and I would love to have read on and on. I loved your bring into the story the kind stranger who was to bring Janya a new beginning and a break from a mean spirit. The ending had a nice twist - good job.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Sincerely
Marlena
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First I'd like to congratulate you on becoming a Rising Star, and second for writing such an enjoyable story. I love your writing and I can see I'll be coming back to read more of your paranormal happenings. I've always had a fascination for the Supernatural and you have such a nice display for us to read. I've heard first hand about many such happenings in my life and times.
Thank you for sharing and I'll be back very soon.
Sincerely
Marlena
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A mother's heart is like that of her child; pure as clean air and fresh as first love when cupid flies.
You've written a lovely and tender wish for your first born son, I know as he grows and learns to walk as a man, he will feel and know the beauty of his mothers loving heart.
It was pure magic to read such wonderful words from you today.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Wow! What a hunting piece, it truly sounds like a fight with evil and good winning over his evil forces.
When I close my eyes I see the darkness of night, and somewhere within an over abundance of light is shining brightly over all, which when I view the dark sky it is filled with falling pieces of matter - like brightly lit stars.
You've captured my attention fully with this piece and I truly love it.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I am by nature very emotional in my writing and more so while watching a touching movie or reading something with a surprise ending. OMG what a wonderful ending to such a moving story of a father who loosed his wife, and left with a child who needs a mothers love. Only to find it all again on one special day, the emotions I felt moved me to tears from sadness and then to joy. Thank you so much for the tears and the laughter.
Sincerely
Marlena
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What a tender loving story about the children caught up in the foster care system. It certainly has touched my heart, and made me think how lucky those little boys were to have you and your family to love and protect them. Only to be given back to a mother who was not ready to have them back in her care - or at least not little Gary. What happened to him after he left your loving care is what makes the system that should work so well for them, not work at all. Thank you for sharing this story and I look forward to visiting your site again very soon.
This in my opinion is one of your best works! It speaks volumes of truth dear sister and I can truly say I read it without one moment hesitation. you know how I feel about things to dark and this was not dark the way I think of dark. Thanks for sharing this new insight to Stained, great job.
Love you
Marlena
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Thank you for entering this months RSSB contest and for the beautiful entry.
What a painful wait and I must tell you I can surely relate to this timely poem, not at all an easy Etheree plus a double on top of that. Great piece and beautifully written. These few lines captured me fully.
"I search for hints of you
in the wan waxen statue
pierced and dishonoured by coiled tubes;"
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with our sisters and good luck in the contest.
Sincerely
Marlena
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