Welcome to Writing.Com and good luck with your writing. I really enjoyed this little feast. Your rhyming, rhythm and beat were awesome. I thought your poem perfect for the All Hallows Eve. I love being in Venice Italy, during Festival when they all come out dressed to the tee. This piece placed me right there watching from my perch all awe. Thank you for sharing and hope it does well in the contest you've written it for.
Sincerely
Marlena
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A beautiful tribute to your grandfather; I'm sure he must be so very proud of you. You're poem so well vested with information for his love and kindness to this child whom he has cared so much about all her young and adult life. Sometimes I think that is why grandparents live so long just to see their grandchildren get through the rough times. I only noticed one small error and maybe it was what you meant to say. 2nd stanza 3 line would that be (gentle) instead of gently? I love your piece and thank you for sharing with us.
Sincerely
Marlena
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One has the sense of fear at some risk to the physic, but not
to the physical body. Darkness creeps through the mine at
the peak hours of the night; was this what the author meant? Somehow I did not feel the fear in this piece. But I did like that it was well written as a poem about the unknown. Perhaps it is not easy to visualize fear unless we can see a picture, or have knowledge of something that will prompt fear. But I felt the rhythm, rhyme was very good and I enjoyed the piece very much, even without the fear factor.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Again I'm impressed, it makes me want to go over and remodel my own port in a big way. I already know I'm going to enjoy myself when I begin my reviews. Each place of business is set-up so beautiful I hate to disturb.
Thank you for all the wonderful pieces you've placed so lovingly.
Sincerely
Marlena
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You've been gifted these reviews by the School for Ghouls.
Dear Jyo,
I am so impressed by the way you lay your delicate deserts, Main Courses and Side Dishes out for all to partake whenever they chose.
I love how your port is portrayed; one day in the very near future I'll be able to dress my port up too. I'm going to go inside now and find what is in store for me there. I think desert only has one (s). Good job I love it.
Sincerely
Marlena
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“Through your trials and heartaches
I have never let you go.”
How beautiful your words to a son or daughter, moved the reader. As a mother and grandmother I felt the emotion of these words within my heart. I found your words profound in this time of uncertainty on what our children will have to endure as tempest rages in light of the storms.
But through it all; comes the sweet smell of the rose, which means things will work out. Thank you for sharing your lovely gift to your child.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
“I write to say what’s on my mind.” I truly enjoyed your poem on this issue. I believe this is what makes us - as writers, write. To be able to move into another’s shoes, or become whom ever we choose at any given time; a way of getting away from real life for a length of time, can be a wonderful experience. Your piece was truly invigorating and food for the mind. I feel the writer truly writes from her own mind set.
I have no suggestions for changes to the content of the Poem. Your poem was executed wonderfully well and I feel that nothing needs to be added or edited.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
I love your name; for two reasons my seven year old grand-daughter is named Kylie and because your name sounds like a dancer’s name. I have a vision of someone who loves the dance and puts her very all into it.
I love the flow of your dance, you've painted the picture clearly, invoking movement that only two dancers can feel; as the dance takes form and shape. Somehow I can hear the music that your brush strokes make, as it splashes across the canvas; delightful, hypnotic and dreamy is how it makes me feel; as only one who knows and loves the feelings that such a number can release.
Thank you for the loveliness of the lines and the eyes that only you can see, but have left their deep impression engraved on our minds.
Thank you for sharing your dance and welcome to our wonderful home of Writing.com.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Just dropping by to say hello and to let you know this week is Black Case week - I found this piece in your port on family history which I found so enjoyable.
What a beautiful account of family history. Not many people have that much information going that far back to the grand-parents; or even great grand-parents. While reading the family history; I felt like I was viewing the story just as though I was standing right in the mist of all that was happening. Sounds like grandpa was truly a "Rolling Stone." I'm sure he was not alone in that respect.
Great story and I enjoyed visiting your port. Thanks for sharing and I'll be back to visit again.
This was a darling story, the visual was absolutely wonderful and your painting of grandfather was so surreal. You have a way of telling a story that puts one right into the mist of it. I was able to see the bird let loose of the lucky spray to your head; and the racing about trying to get to the prayer room so grandfather could get on with the prayers.
My favorite line/s:
“Splat! Something wet and sticky had splashed onto my head; I looked up to see the offending crow in the branches of the enormous Gulmohur tree that overhung the east wall. It was no use; I would have to go back and wash again. The experience of having bird-droppings land on your head was supposed to be ‘lucky’ in folk-lore; in reality it meant I would be late for the puja again.”
Final Thoughts:
I love the relationship between the eight year old and the old grandfather you so well described. Great story and the humor way just what I needed today. Also I liked the use of ML bold in the story.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
Sometimes; comes along something so very lovely that it embraces all that one thinks of the world and all its inhabitants. You have put all this love and beauty into one 30 line poem and brought many smiles to this woman’s heart. I love your concept as well as the format of the piece. I love the theme and these words that follow:
My favorite line/s:
“as we journey through the darkness with souls we yearn to meet.
We imagine ourselves standing tall upon the wing, arms outstretched.
Deafened by the sound of impossible dreams, we close the shades,
plug our ears, and insulate our minds from the sounds of human life.”
Final Thoughts:
I relate this work to WDC, to all those here that I know so well, that I look for whenever I log on and feel the a certain loneliness when their shades are not open.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
I love this beauty, it rocks my heart and sooths my soul. This is a very powerful piece. Its message allows the reader to understand; that because times may have been dark at times, lightness can inevitable shine through to bring us home once again.
We know that life offers many challenges and as we move through our life; we know that we'll have the choice to make atonements in our life, and forgiveness will be granted.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful poem.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I love the rhythm and rhyme of this poem. It carried us through the poet’s childhood and it really wasn't all that bad.
Memories - when we are small children, did you notice that even short adults looked like giants to us before we grew up? So do other things, when we have to share with our siblings.
When we take a good look back 25 or 30 years later, we can shake our head and realize it really wasn't so bad after all. I truly enjoyed this piece and here are some of my favorite lines:
"How sad - the way it made me feel
but how could I tell mam?
Done up in rehashed hand-me-downs.
Like mutton dressed as lamb.
She did her best through trying times,
and yes, it wore her out.
She left us well before she should.
We missed her, never doubt."
Well, I'm bloody glad you're not my sister, because she would have come for you; no matter who, what, when, where or why; she would have run you down. She is that scared of the ugly things.
I've been bitten a few times by a real dangerous spider, so don't do that to me either. I wouldn't kill you, but I don't think I would speak to you again; ever.
I loved this story and as I write the review, I'm still in stitches, can’t stop laughing. It’s very funny on paper. Your humor is hilarious and this was just the thing I needed before I take a little dinner break.
I'll not be able to resist telling my sister about how you hung your sister out to dry. I don't think she'll laugh like me, she’ll be on your sisters side for sure.
One thing I learned about the author; she is someone who enjoys practical jokes and never minds the revenge....
Thanks for sharing and after a little dinner I'll be back.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Some poets may think that because there are really no set rules in writing free verse that it is simple. With many other forms you have a set measurement of the poem; therefore your work is much easier to define.
One only needs to follow the rules set by the pattern. As with free verse you have no pattern; unless you create your own. In free verse basically what we want to convey is word usage. The more powerful the synonyms the better the pattern or shape you create; other wise what we have a nice piece of prose.
So, it is the arrangement of the words which separate or make the difference between poetry and prose placed into verses. Free verse should have a rhythm, if not a regular beat, like the lyrics to a song that don’t rhyme but have a distinct quality about it; if done well.
I would love to see a smoother flow of words with poetic synonyms which ring out to me and help me to feel what the poet is saying. Other wise I feel like I'm reading a simple letter to a friend, who has done more in life than I.
Normally I would not venture out this far but you did ask and this is how I see it.
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Congratulations on having the winning bid in; Sherri’s WDC Happy Birthday Auction.
I will be reviewing your poetry or short stories as per the agreement.
My 1st choice is
Eclipse (E) Written after watching a lunar eclipse. #1294625 by ~Sue~
I always look forward to seeing the lunar eclipse as your lovely poem foretells, not just because of the eclipse so much; but for the changes it will bring because of it.
I found your words colorfully depicted and filled with slow moving images; relating to the moving shadows creeping across the surface of our moon.
Before you know it the shadow has moved away and in its wake shines the fully shining brightness of the face painted by God’s hand.
A very lovely poem and I found nothing that would make me want to change a word at all.
Thank you so much for sharing and I’ll be moving on within your port for other little goodies.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Family reunion – leaves such a wonderful feeling in the heart. Sitting down to dinner with the grandchildren, enjoying this time with them and just being with them after having not seen them in such a long time was special. It is in my opinion one of the reasons for being alive and wishing to see them all grown-up; making us great grandparents. Love the way you told the story about the dog being washed away down the river and how it affected the children showed their deep concern for animals. I like that they went away with the feeling grandma might be able to find out what happened to the dog.
Suggestions:
Knowing you were nearing the word limit you had to cut a bit here and there. But I’d love to read about how big and juicy that turkey was and all the trimmings that went with it.
My favorite line/s:
“Matt was somewhat upset that the kids had to witness such an ordeal. My only condolence was in thinking that somehow it was meant to be witnessed by them.
Sometimes a certain amount of fear goes along with respect, and that magnificent River demands respect.”
Final Thoughts:
You painted a beautiful picture of your home in the mountains and the fast moving river, adding the children and the dog to the scenery was the icing on the cake.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
I felt the hair stand up on my arm when I read this piece. I read it several times and the deeper meaning finally set firmly into my mind. The pain I read of the sadness, the loneliness that the person felt they could not share for fear of what? I wondered.
Suggestions:
Very well written and should make people take a deeper look at their co-worker and who is behind the smile which hides the pain.
My favorite line/s:
“What do you truly see?
Do you know your friend,
your co-worker... ME?”
Final Thoughts:
Your words touch the heart and soul.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
Memories of the days, that those growing up into today’s would not think as very special as their own day. But it is with a bitter sweet sadness; that they could not have known the days of waiting for the baker on wheels or the milkman…or the late night baseball games with the whole neighborhood. When I ask my grandchildren what are their best memories they tell me about being able to stay up all night on my space or playing xbox.
Suggestions:
A lovely trip and one I could truly relate too! It filled me with an overwhelming rush, to visit those days for just a moment in time.
My favorite line/s:
“Sometimes even Grandma's huge dining table wasn't big enough to accommodate everyone. On these occasions, men ate first, followed by kids. The women were always last; even then, I didn't think it fair when they'd done all the cooking and would also be stuck cleaning up. Yet they never seemed to mind.”
Final Thoughts:
You had me from the moment I pushed past those rusty gates into the ancient cemetery and moved among the stone markers. I love imagery and you filled my imagination to overflowing.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
Absolutely beautiful, the peace that comes over me as I read is beyond description. I feel as if I’d found the perfect garden in which to take all problems and ill’s for His healing. I felt so close to the garden blooms; that I could smell their sweet fragrance as they surrounded me. I could visualize the water pouring forth and felt the healing power in the drenching.
Suggestions:
Just slight variations in past and present tense; try to stay in the present tense for deeper following of the piece.
My favorite line/s:
“My voice begins to sing out with the praises of His love for me. Swirling around, I begin to dance before Him. He is delighted with my worship. He breathes life into me, refreshing my inner most being. Rivers of living waters come forth to heal and soothe my wounded soul.
Final Thoughts:
A lovely meditation and the grand scale of the garden is surreal. You’ve been blessed with a beautiful vision.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
- Mother Teresa -
Because changes are not allowed during judging, I will not offer any editing suggestions.
I truly, truly enjoyed this story. We are all promised this phenomenon should we live so long – or short. I’m glad I saved it for last because it was a very good laugh and I was really laughing.
You had me from the first line and there was no stopping you. I think this one would even give Mother Teresa’ a sweet little chuckle. I loved the run on with the little boy and what a great name for the nosey neighbor. I loved the great humor; it was very funny throughout the entire story, I'm looking forward to having such a day.
My favorite lines:
“I walked into the house, grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote a note to the editor of the magazine. I kindly suggested that the editor should explain to the author who wrote Viral Smiles that it might be a good idea to warn people, that like all other viruses, there are human beings who are immune.”
“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
- Mother Teresa -
Because changes are not allowed during judging, I will not offer any editing suggestions.
This was as close to home as one can possible get, as a few short years ago my children and I saw my husband smile that same last good-bye. I love how you set the stage for this story and I particularly loved the poem he wrote for his daughter Charlene. Her finding the old letter and the poem spoke of wondrous emotions for letting go of the old and grasping the new, her mother kissing her finger tips was the icing for me. I truly enjoyed every moment of your story, the letters from Charlene’s early childhood and the beautiful poem.
These were my favorite lines:
Mom cradled his other hand, and burst into tears. We told him we loved him, kissed his face, and held his hands until his grasp slackened again. His smile faded, but its image was forever etched in my memory.
The monitor sounded its shrill alarm, and he was gone.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story, and for hooking the prompt.
“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
- Mother Teresa -
Because changes are not allowed during judging, I will not offer any editing suggestions.
I enjoyed reading this story very much. It had a different premise that speaks much about the different misrepresentations viewed by different cultures even in today’s world. That one pleasant smile changed a whole outlook on the Earthlings. I liked the dialog between the guide Joy and Ambassador Forst.”
These were my favorite lines:
“Good morning, Ambassador Forst,” Joy smiled as she shook his hand, “welcome to Moon Base One. I’m Joy Carlyle, your guide. Is there anything I can help you with, Ambassador, or any question I can answer?”
Joy is by nature a warm person, who cannot bit her tongue if she tried. Good read; thank you for sharing.
I noticed just a few little things that could use some tweaking, but you can deal with that later.
“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
- Mother Teresa -
Because changes are not allowed during judging, I will not offer any editing suggestions.
Your story brought back so many dear memories of not only my own children’s first day in school; but of my own. I felt very much like little Amber, wanting to help the other children who seemed fearful of this first day away from mom and the security of home. Thankful that I had a teacher, who gave me her hand and thanked me for coming to her class; deep impressions are always lasting. I dearly loved the dialog between the children, parents and teacher.
These were my favorite lines:
“Her voice floated across the room to me, small in such a big space but huge with friendliness. “Hi. I’m Amber. What’s your name?” A smile lit her face as she waved at him. I watched, speechless, as the little boy’s thumb came out of his mouth and he smiled back at her.
A few places I found need a bit of tweaking, you may want to do at a later date.
Best wishes in the contest.
Marlena
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I'm sure he was not alone in that respect.
