lol...nice story. i'm pretty sure this is- to some extent- actually true for people who love to write that much as well. it actually is dark in the way it destroyed this mans life, but it's much more humorous and tongue-in-cheek. the ending was cool too.
nice:) very cool story from start to finish. i liked the tone or accent of the man whose narrating the story, i liked the characters you made, and the mysticism and mystery that built up as the story progressed. the ending was great. there really isn't anything bad i can say about this. i enjoyed it thoroughly and refuse to write more in fear of spoiling it for someone else.
nice, even more so because i just finished looking at that very painting only hours ago. It's a good story that brings to mind visuals of a modern world of calm and liesure and a historical one of loss conflict and pain, and the woman suspended in between both, at that moment, by the painting of herself. like deja vu. the story has an easy flow. never over descriptive and emotionally attached . nice, hooves
:) the smile might say how much i liked the story more than than the words do. a nice, quiet read that had a good amount of depth and feeling to it. you used the requirements well and your story had a neatly wrapped up finish. also liked how you came full circle with the rubik's cube. overall, a good story that lingers a bit after reading.
no suggestions, no corrections. well written, shaara. good job
i can see where you were going with the sentiment. a child surfaces from a time of abuse to become a motivated activist against it. not bad. definitely lines i liked here- most of all being the fourth verse. there are alot of grammar mistakes, though...
Someday, I loved him
all the *Someday* in this verse should be plural, and be written as *Some days*. also, no commas are needed in this verse.
I stumbled and fell with every *steps I took*
the word *steps* should be singular, *step*. also, i think you might not need the words *I took* here
third verse, *light*
you repeat the word *light* three times in one verse. it doesn't seem to go over too well here
Victims of abuse and children of *divorce parent* will be first class
should be *divorced parents*
I’ll *left* behind a legacy
*left* should be *leave* or you should rewrite as, *I'll have left behind a legacy*
the flow of the poem is also a little tough to get through. there could be reasons for this beyond what i see, but these are only suggestions. but the sentiment of the poem does come through though, as well as the determination at the end.
nice poem and a good thought. freedom, ideally, shouldn't have to be fought over. and yet, if we are all truly free, we would be free to do whatever we wanted, good or bad, and people would have to defend themselves from other peoples freedom. i guess it's a case of chosing bad or worse.
nothing really wrong here but a few things and the punctuation. you should have puncutation throughout your entire poem if you have it anywhere in it. other than that, this is a good recall to an issue every person should be keenly aware of.
For some, this *privelege* is seized
typo...*priveledge*
They will never change their ways
i thought- flow wise, this third line in the last verse was a couple of syllables too short. it migh be just how i'm reading it, but it might sound better with a couple more added to it or the last one...maybe this
nice. i liked it. it's short, but it is describes a complete thought and it moves in a poetic way, the very basic of it. the only thing i found bad was the lack of punctuation to signal how i was supposed to read this. it can be figured out, but it helps if things are laid out in the beginning
these are just suggestions...
But there is <> they're not our friends
a comma, semi-colon, hyphen, or maybe even separating on another line, but it needs some sort of separation
Have our fun <> rob a store{{/c}
same thing here.
everything else could use punctuation but isn't necessarly needed. the two above, i thought could use it though
the pen-name, Mr Jones becomes much more creepier when i read more of your work, lol. a stalker who seems to becoming unhinged and on the verge of violence. the poem is short, but does effectively bring to mind the character, his unsuspecting victim, and the chilling possibilty of what may happen next. good job on the wording. very convincing
again, your poetry has a flowing narrative, and it feels as if the authentic thoughts of a teenage girl. if this isn't you, then you did a great job creating the environment and emotional situation of this person. i like the way you are able to flow from one form of poetry to the next seamlessly. everything seems to have a personal touch to it all. i wouldn't doubt this becomes something alot of people read with interest. good luck again with everything
nice. that's quiet a different approach to the starting of a story as i know of, and second, it was a great poem. i liked the structure of the first one, also. very cool and somewhat insightful. eventhough it's not really my type of genre, i kind of would want to read it just to see something written in what seems to be a new perspective. good luck :) great job
wow. the first lines of this are REALLY good. there were a few places where i felt there was some close rhymes and some not-so-close rhyme, but when reading the whole thing, the charm of this poem really carries you past that. almost sounds like something said at a wedding in a movie. very nice.
lol...wow. i think everyone has this. it's the reason i'm up reading right now instead fo going to sleep like i should. well, atleast you KNOW you have a problem. very cool. enjoyed this one :)
fireflies, kids, summer, and joy, this poem brings to mind all the good things about being young and spirited. strange and a bit thought-provoking that it has to come back as reminder. very nice.
there are some parts that seemed to stick out of the rhythm a bit, but that could be just the way i'm saying it aloud. overall, though, i found it a great reminder of the simplest and most important things in life
:) nice. reflective. at some points, i didn't see the correlation between what it said and "independence", but for the most part, a great read. this definitely belongs in philosophy. it makes me sit back and think.
Is it something deeper, <?> feeling within the soul?
not too sure, but this seemed like you might have forgot the word <a> here
today must be a good day. i've come acoss lot of good things, and this won takes the cake. the wording in this is almost artistic. this is one of those stories i don't read as much as see in my head. great descriptions, poetic writing, and a good sense of drama. i think i liked these lines the best...
He brought the bottle to his face and stared at it. He stared at it for a long time. His name covered the label, but he knew that wasn't really the truth. If anything, the label should've been over his name.
i thought the ending was going to be equally tragic or a fade into the continuity of this guy's apparent lifestyle, but it went with an abrupt march towards a happier- hopefully- ending. in some ways, i didn't like that- strangely- especially when, in comparrison to the whole story, it seemed sped-up, but really, it doesn't matter. this is a great piece of writing. glad to have come across it
wow...i really liked how this flowed down towards the end. great job with the wording. actually started feeling a little chilly, lol. but also for the words that reaffrim the closeness of this couples love. the movement from day to night also worked well here. great poem. the title definitely fits
:) either i haven't read in a while, or that story was the best i've read in a while. partly because it was well written and had no misakes in it. mostly, because it was well told, fun, sneaky, comical, engaging, and i liked how the plot actually proved an effective test of character. the three tests were definitely sinister when put up against a good person, and had he even granted her that wish, her life may have been spent in eternal sadness and regret for the deed she would have done (trying to leave out spoilers, lol)
i also liked the devil's near-indifference at the end. great job
:) nice. wow...i couldn't have put it better. actually felt good reading that. the first line kept me in to the last. good job. i guess the only thing to point out is the missing period at the end of the first verse. other than that, great.
nice. it's seems somewher almost between nostalgia and having found a sense of clarity or peace you just can't find anywhere. else. short, but well written. every word is part of this poem and the structures not bad either. when i saw the title, i thought i was in for one of those story-poems, lol.
:) nice. it seems the person has come a ways and seeks to return to the familiar. longs for it, to be more accurate. the repitition does well to emphasize that. overall, not a bad read
this asks me to see deeper. when i see nothing there, try harder and he will reveal himself to me. sort of like those optical illusion games. this one seems written in earnest, with a desire to help others find that thing they are looking for when they are lost for ways. be ever faithful :)
ahhh, that mythical golden age whenn things wer right as they should be. i'm sure if i could, the farther i go back, the farther someone would tell me i have to travel before i found it. but the image you create is good. a peaceful soceity of faith, integrity,sincerity, and values.
very nice, again roe. words for a family or society to live by
a few lines can bring many thoughts
and a single picture, thousands
combine them togethr, and you have a piece that leaves a haunting thought on the price we exact or extract from each other when blinded by our agression. nice, rose. very meaningful.
:) cute. at first, a testament to how my mind works, i thought with the end line that you were joking and talking about mountain dew, the soda. but after coming to my senses i saw what it was. a nice, peaceful poem here. comfortable flow
:) i smile because that's how the poem left me. the last line is the strongest and my favorite. very postive and motivating. your form of presentation also seems to be uniquely your own, very nice write. thank you , lol
merry christmas, yellow rose
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