very nice. the short scene could described can create many thoughts on the things that carried on between both the man and the woman, individually and together. in theend, she's left with only a flag and a memory. too common a tale, but none the less meaningful to those who live it.
very touching and very emotional. while i don't believe in god, i imagined this to be the person you loved the most. flowing poetry. the title is great and every line has a sense of wonder, depth, and spiritual joy i think really is a gift if a person could experience such a thing once in their lives. very nice and perfect for the season.
nice picture, also :)
only thing i would suggest is maybe changing the "The" in the beginning of line 3 for "In". but either way, the poem is great. thanks for sharing
:) quite the tribute to what appears to be a beautiful daughter. good children...they are lasting gifts, aren't they
there are people who could live two lives and never have a relationship as close as this. very well written. very moving. one of the best examples of family bonds i've ever read
wow...that was a sorta hard poem to read. not because of the craft or anything. all that was perfect. everything flowed well, but the tone of the narration was really sad and haunting. almost like a ghost speaking about it's living body. it's a common misconception, so i'll ask...is this about you or just made from perspective? if it is, hard not offer my sympathy. pretty sad poem. it brings to light the everything i have that i never see
nice beginning lines, here. i liked the message and overall tone of the poem. the title is perfect for this, and u really keep that mood the whole way through. there were alot of signs of forced rhyming and some lines where i just weren't sure what u where talking about, though, but aside from that, the read was pretty good.
the first paragraph and the last are the best parts that i liked. especially the last one. read it over, alone, a couple of times :P
these suggestions/corrections below are definitely only my opinions on what might have needed them. feel free to use whatever you see fit
a tiny voice whispers, >>not to give it up all,<<
bad syntax, there. maybe change it with something that still keeps the rhyming in tact, like 'not to sacrifice all' or 'not to give in your all'
life is but fight, win, lose or fall.
i think the comma after 'fight' should be a hyphen ( - ) or a semicolon ( ; ) to emphasize the small pause there
you close your eyes, and dream of mirages,
your voice seems lost, in the twists of ravages.
mirages and ravages are close, but the rhyming isn't perfect and causes a little adjusting in reading through it
the seeping >strenght,<
'strength' is mispelled, and you might want to put say 'the seeping of strength' there
crouching like >a< prey,
i think you can take the 'a' out from here
the >spleandor< of it all,
typo for 'splendor'
>and< to fly high above,
i'm thinking you can get rid of 'and' here. seems uneeded
liked the poem, soul. just needs a little editing.
wow...very well written. i liked ever word of it. especially what i read in paragraph 5 and the style in way you prsented it is either an expression of emotions inexpressable by any other means, or a form of ingenuity that deserves compliment. it's not dark, but it's very sad though, and that's what will prevent it from being "accepted" as a great write, but to me, it IS great, and a sweeping show of the emtions that go through the mind of someone who feels them. very impressive. a nice welcome back to WDC for me
very nice story, cami. warming and engaging, i seem to go trough this mans life in an instant, it leaves memorable moments as if it was a real story. it felt like i benefited listening to this figure and his stubborn beliefs, his principles, and his experience. most impressive is how you relayed his very moving dedication to his former wife. you made a memeorable character for me. wish i culd hear from the guy again.
whats up, finally10. this poem seems a bit abstract in that it mentions the symbolic item wihout really zoning in on what it means, but i really like the metaphor of "the dangling carrot" as it can apply to many things- basiclly meaning being led on in hopes of a reward. i would have said it was similar to a red herring except with the herring, you lead yourself into folly, whereas with the carrot, someone else is leading you
as you can tell, i liked the message of the poem. thepoem itself is a bitshaky. there are lines that feel either a word too long, or a word too short. making a few changes here and thre should smooth that out. otherwise, good write and thought provoking. you make me think just how many carrots are bing hung over my head, lol
wow. i liked this alot. it kind of brings the hard reality to people that many live the lives they chose out of need and had to pass up on the ones they dreamed for themselves. all their accomplishments pale because theres no shine in it. there heart isn't there, and so they don't care. nice :)
wow...the poem's structure and rhythm are good, but i found the message in it to be better. judging by the comment you left at the bottom, i'm guessing this is personal. i'd hate to be in this situation where the one you loved lied to you constantly and you were forced to wonder what was truth and what was false everytime you spoke. especially if they mask it with love, like you said in one of the lines. frustrating would be an understatement. honestly, the poem is alright, but the statement had an impact. trust is fundamental and people don't have much patience. keep lying, and things are bound to turn dark. very thought provoking
what's up, bethany. read it and likd it alot. it's a great idea. the power you gave your character is no small power. i guess it would depend upon the extent of her power, such as howmany people can she control at once, or from what distance, but you could go anywhere with that. there are alot of unanswered questions brought up by details with no explanation, but it only makes me a bit more curious as to what you had planned. i'd like to see the rest of the story you eventually make. good luck :)
nice title. was curious about it and expecting something very different from this. the poem itself, in terms of rhyme, structure, and all that was alright. the great part of this write was the story told. i liked every part from beginning to end. flowed easily and even had some suprises. very cool. nice imagination. hope to read another sometime
this poem is very emotional. it takes me through the course of love, loss, and the slight hope or possibility of love again. it has the overall feel of deep regret. no malice or rage, but sadness, regret, and pain at watching love walk away. the most tragic part is that you are still in love and waiting for that one to walk back through the door. hope sounds very deep and heart-breaking here. very nice, d
whats up, fruanc. to begin, the title and description were pretty descent. as i read the story, i realized that i didn't need to know the beginning to appreciate this one for what it was. in fact, the lack of knowledge seemed to offer a little depth and mystery as to what was going on in this story, and the "why's" behind it. your story has excellent narration. it flows smoothly and steadily from start to finish. everything is easily visual and easily followed and the scenes are pretty well rendered through the words. the whole story seems to be a larger version of the "lion and the mouse" where the small and innocent seems to have an unusual, somewhat more-than-casual relationship with a powerful predator. there are small tingles of suspense where i wonder if a sudden and viscious attack will turn this into a quick bloodbath, but the strange relationship between these two deepens and deepens.
in the end, this particular mouse rescues yet another lion from their doomed fate and is rewarded with a show of uncommon trust. i guess this boy found a werewolf previous to this story and set him free. that werwolf befriended him and gave him a sort of peace-offering that would protect him from others like him. the werwolf must have been a pretty cool character to be with and connected with the little kid as he is now wolf-crazy and in search of their company. i couldn;t imagine where this story leads. in my closest opinion, it's with the wolf running out of town to the sound of shot-gun blasts in the air once his mother or someone sees them. it was a good story to read though. well-written. my only question was how, exactly, did the werewolf get hurt? aside from that, nice job.
Suggestions:
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what's up, aus. a well-written story that flowed smooth from beginning to end. easy to visualize and entertaining. and just when i thought it was going to be the written version of videos seen on the internet, chaos unfolds around the calm one. pretty funny. the best part was the sort of "eye of the storm" moment with mrs. walkers getting that toaster. not exactly sure about the ending. if that was th first and last job, seems like unemployment is worse than not working at all. but everything else was great. very nice, very neat
good job, aus :)
Suggestions: two microscopic things...
When it was my turn, I like everyone comma after 'I' also
wall as he finished causing keys to fly out in all comma after 'finished'
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WHAT??? BS...that ending sucks for ol' Kieth there. well first, you've definitely got a talent for story telling. the two i read so far have depth and a definite knack for the dramatic. the main problem here was grammar, syntax, and all that stuff. you also place comma's where none are needed and don't have them where they should be. you can also group some of these sentences together in paragraphs, but i think it may be because english is not your first language. if it is, don't kick me too hard...
but aside from all that, i like the story alot except for the ending which kind of leaves the guy high and dry. nice work :) Suggestions:
to go out, to watch the sunrise together it had the comma isn't needed here and this sentence should be broken in two, placing a period after 'together'
to use the chance of seeing the golden eyes shine on them did you mean golden 'rays'?
Everyone in their wedding was amazed by the scene. sometimes repeating words too often can have an awkward effect on the read. take out 'in' and 'wedding' from this part and change 'their' to 'there'
Their reflection in each other eyes was 'other' should be 'others'
replaced by the sun rays. >sun< should be >sun's<
a warm voice, and his eyes directed to her face this should be two sentences, with the comma being a period. also, drop 'and'. the word 'directed' seems a bit awkward here also. try 'scanned'
Keith with a confused voice and trying to make a conversation, the wording is a little off here. you could try something like this for better flow...
Then Keith, with a confused voice and trying to make a conversation, said,
that's a pretty cool story. it's been a while since i read fiction so it's also been a bit of a treat. very entertaining and even- sniff....sniff- romantic towards the end. you expressed a good deal with very little words. nice job.
Suggestions: read your bio and it said you are from egypt. i'm going to point out a bunch of small stuff, but i'm not trying to be annoying. everythings for the best
the creak of my bed room door 'bed room' can be one word
half opened my eye lids and saw 'eye lids' can be one word
Is that silver scar on his place the word 'a' after 'that'
are in the safe of my office room. i think that you can drop 'room' from here. the word 'office' is enough to show your meaning
for murder.So I took it as an evidence the period here should be a comma, and the word 'an' should be dropped
all these are very little things. overall, your story was pretty good. i'm glad i read it and write more.
what's up melissa. very nice article. everything is well-said and i agree completely with your opinions. you present a very mature and spiritual view. ALOT of great things said here. two parts i liked most...
a memory no matter how good or bad stays with you forever, only to help guide and protect you throughout every fallowing second - a very positive and mature way of looking at it. memories/experiences are indeed things we should take the most good out from and use to the benefit of our future. even our mistakes are, at the least, lessons we can learn from. well said :)
The things in the life's lived by each human should never be of material posession but of inner possession - very true
keep writing :)
Suggestions: alot, but easier to fix up than to point out
- spaces between your paragraphs
creates a memory, a memory no matter the comma after the first 'memory' should be a period, ending one sentence and beginning another
throughout every fallowing second. 'fallowing' should be 'following'
In life many things thought to be may need a comma after 'life'
Most necessity's can be >necessity's< should be 'necessities'
Most necessity's can be lived without this part contradicts itself. a 'necessity' cannot be lived without. i think you meant to say something like...
Most of these things can be lived without
and a lot of things that only because of society are thought to be wrong or shame-full can create the happiest and best moment's in life. for ease, i'll show my suggestion below...
and a lot of things that society thought to be wrong or shame-full can create the happiest and best moment's in life.
avoid over-wording your work. a problem i have as well
The things experienced, left to linger in your heart, mind and soul, every emotion the commas after 'experienced' and 'soul' are better of as a hyphens ( - ) along with the word 'or' coming before 'left'. also, add a comma after 'mind'
prepare you while you're soul creates >you're< is a contraction of the words 'you are' and that's not what you meant here. >your<
Most man made things can be lived without, even though nice to have will not last forever. too many words here. chop 'can be lived without' from this part, and place a comma after 'have'. it will look like this...
Most man made things, eventhough nice to have, will not last forever
If they do it's only something comma after 'do'
not only in memory but in physical comma after 'memory'
The things in the life's lived by i think you meant >live's< to be >lives<
inner possession, they'll last i think this comma should be a semicolon ( ; )
Life's live only for those i think you meant 'Lives lived'
stuck in you rather then 'then' should be 'than'
Life's short, life's never easy but forever remember i'm thinking >Life's short< can be it's own sentence. always a comma before the word 'but'
not bad. i got roughed up by the first line, though. not sure what you meant by it at all. after that, the poem comes into focis for me, and the unorthodox flow and the wording do make it a pretty interesting and different work. better spoken out loud than read in my opinion, but i liked it, epecially the last line. nice closer.
morrdor, where did you pull this out of? i thought it was awesome. AWESOME. it's free verse and it feels like you are throwing back all the muck that people have thrown on you for sometime (by you, I mean the character in the poem :P) you call them out on their hypocracy and seem to affirm your right to exist as yourself. i liked this most because it felt like a bold form of expression and in some way very strong. one of the best poems i've read, and ironically falling in line with the subject i'm studying on hypocricy. very cool
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a memory no matter how good or bad stays with you forever, only to help guide and protect you throughout every fallowing second - 