i think the sentiment of the poem is very good, especially to the point-of-view it takes at the end, the character criticizing the critics of the unorthodox love. i thought the wording in some of the lines was iffy in a way. lines 4-6 seem to be an incomplete thought running from lines 1-3 as well. but the significance of roses is never expressed well enough here to make me see their impact. nice, however, the message contained within :)
wow...really liked the story, melly. with the second-person perspective, you literally walk me through this story, and i enjoyed it. at first, it was a bit airy but it ssoon took on a note of romance and mysticism between this mysterious vampire and the man who becomes seduced by this beautiful loner. i found her sadness and her apparent lust for self-destruction or "life" when she could be considered to have more life than anyone around her very cool. i guess it just goes to show people will always treasure what they lack the most. the end was really well done. very tragic, romantic, and very, very pitying. the whole story seemed to be a metaphor of a woman who fully understands and deeply laments the fact that she is not really "alive" she has eternal life and youth, unbelievable beauty, great wealth, and will pass her time trying to entertain herself, but in the end, she is tragically drawn to the truth of her existence and her inevitable lust for release. at one point this doesn't seem a great work, but thinking into it deeper, i thought it was AWESOME. the depth of this story really clings to me. very nice work, melly :)
Suggestions: a ton of mistakes, but i guess that goes to show the message is more important than the delivery. spend some time proof-reading your work. your story was definitely good even with the mistakes, but it could have been a great read without them. most are just minor typo's anyway. i just wanted to point them out. nice work, melly :) hopefully more thought-provoking things come from you in the future
Really you didn’t move to this town you moved away from a comma should go after 'town'
away from your home nd took whatever was allowed typo...'nd' should be 'and'
reservation in a home tat was more cottage typo...'tat' should be 'that'
heard terrible stories of blood drinkers and baby eaters 'blood drinkers' and 'baby eaters' should be written like this...'blood-drinkers' and 'baby-eaters'
You leave you little house on night (one dusk) to finally meet her for yourself. the second 'you' here should be 'your' and 'on' should be 'at'. also, the words in paranthesis can be made a part of the sentence with commas like this...
You leave your little house at night, one dusk, to finally meet her for yourself.
finally, not to be overpicky, but dusk is sunset, while night is the time after sunset. when you say 'at night, one dusk' it comes off a bit awkward. in this case, it might be better to simply use one or the other
lit with a few candle and you finally see the women. typo's...'candle' should be plural and 'women' should be singular...'candles...woman'
She asks you what you ae doing here. typo...'ae' should be 'are'
She smiles and her teeth see sharper somehow 'see' should be 'seem'
Yu find yourself quite unable to move. 'Yu' should be 'you'
She ass you if you will be hers. 'ass' should be 'asks'
You tell her that yes, you will be hers. you can drop the 'that' here for a tighter read
Then the pain come.
'come' should be 'comes'
It hangs above the fireplace ad sometimes 'ad' should be 'and'
Thick curtain block out all 'curtain' should be plural...curtains
It is a reflection of what she would me 'me' should be 'be'
He skin is burned. 'He' should be 'Her'
you ask her way she did such a thing. 'way' should be 'why'
wow...it's definitely dark and very painful to read. something happens to someone like this on the "tv" and you feel sorry for the person. but when it happens to someone very close, i could guess from this a whole host of emotions arise that cannot be counseled easily. it bust be something terrible to deal with if she tries to kill herself so many times. i almost want to ask how old the person was, but that would make this a bit more painful to think about. it's a terrible situation to be in, but evidently, this woman has found death an alternative to the pain she might be reliving again and again. i hope you find a resolution somewhere down the road. later dru )
interesting and very entertaining. i liked the characters- Eva being the best as far as creation, originality, and detail- and i really liked how you created the setting of a really bad storm in the beginning. your wording and descriptions really put the impression in my head. overall a very good start and it definitely leaves me wondering whats going to happen next. nice job, steph :)
Suggestions: just a few, but minor and easily fixed
I don't want to bother if it’d just one of >it'd< should be >it's<
Tentatively we made our way to the top of the stairs, i THINK a comma should go after 'Tentatively'. i'm exactly sure though, but i'll point it out
Eva clutching at me to prevent from falling think this would sound better with the word 'herself' coming after 'prevent'
pretty cool, numb. the content is verysincere, the picture crystal clear. for some reason, the wording wasn't as smooth. there were just some things that didn't sound like they went together, and places where the flow felt rocky. i liked the last two lines though. they some up your poem very well.
see ya round, unknown :)
Suggestions/Corrections:just some examples...
While she’s there, playing with your heart shelf 'heart shelf' sounded very funny to me. cme off as an attempt to keep rhyme with the first line
She’s the only girl you ever cared of 'cared of' is not good syntax. 'cared for' would be, but then you would have to change it's corresponding rhyming line
you know, i kinda liked this. you did a really good job setting the reader inside this guys mind and his mental situation. his frustration with his job, maybe his life, and the confinement of his surroundings really came through and boiled up to the climax where in the end, he experiences a sort of peace, or moment of reflection in which he dreams to one day find himself in better times. short, but i thought it was a pretty good and complete story. nice job, D
Suggestions: very few and easily correctable...
Others wored alone on their own workstations typo...'worked'
He raised steadily from his chair from the corner of the room i think this would read better if the second 'from' where replaced with 'in'
hey saphy. the picture of hell is very descriptive and interesting. it's not hard at all to imagine the place that you've just described. the ending was not as good as i thought it could be, but overall an interesting and visual poem
lol...nice story. the calm and detailed nature of the narration made this story a good read, as if it were memory. i also liked the way you keep the reader swuarely in the shoes of the character in the story, as if for the moment i'm reading it, i'm living through him. could swear i heard the slow streaming of water at some point. maybe thats just MY imagination. the ending was good as well. the excitement is conveyed well, and you can't help but feel happy for the guy. nice work, rex :)
wow...very sad, but it's straight-forward, matter-of-fact, and honest. time is the best test for love, but sometimes, love can be achieved at first sight. either way, the free-form was well done. sincere and had the grit of personal sincerity. nice, numb :)
whats up, steve. sounds like you had sun writing this poem. the form is pretty good. has an undernote of melody to it that's kind of catchy and rhtymic as i read down the work. it's a nice description and wift description of a lasting love story. nice work, steve
what's up, nathaniel. i can see where you are going with this, but i think that perfection in a relationship should always be strived for. you look for the best in anything, and even if you don't get to be the best, reaching for the best brings you that much more closer to it. putting it in the hands of God is like saying you aren't willing to put the effort in, yourself, to make you love work out. true, if you find you need to work too hard, the raltionship isn't for you, but the more you put in, the more will be returned. sincerity can be infectious.
NICE, MELLE!!! i thought it a very well-written and interesting read. it makes me want to re-examine my own life for the same answers, but the same questions come up, and your right...maybe if i knew the answers, there would be no further point to living. there's no fun in the puzzle if you already know the solution. there was some pretty good statement in here. by far, i liked these lines the best...
I place the pieces of today so that a shape will come my way.
Trying to find my broken pieces right in front of me.
AWESOME!!!
Suggestions/Corrections: just one. continue writing :) nice work, melle
awesome poem, tim. i really liked the sing-song rhythm and it was genuinely fun to read. the poem itself, ironically, is not as colorful as the topic, but it is a fun, light-hearted read, and very welcome this early in the morning. nice work, man. great poem :)
whats up, jim. good story. it just goes to show the difference between the innocent and what we become when we grow up. maybe, one day, the world will not be so hard to comprehend.
nice jim :)
Suggestions/Corrections:
load in good time, things lokking up I began to feel more at ease. the comma before the word 'things' should be a period, and the word 'lokking' should be 'looking'
I told him i did'nt know but it looked the 'i' should be 'I' and >did'nt< should be >didn't<
He then said somthing that brought tears 'somthing' should be 'something'
"do you think when we get home we could bring my christmas back to them'? the 'd' in 'do' should be capped. and the apotraphe at the end of this entnce should be a cloing qoute and come after the question mark.
that's an awesome idea you have, bryan. you should make a contest around it or something or make a message forum so people can make post-additions visible to other readers. my favorites were 1,5,6, and 10.
Jack always sat upright. Electricicty can do that sometimes.
hmmm...the poem is pretty alright. the character expresses her long frustrations and emotions about the abuser. she seems to commend herself in the end for being a strong women, and i guess that is true. living with an abuser for twenty years is either crazy or rather willful, depending on the condition. i would think the mother would take the kids OUT of the situation, but then again, i don't know the details. but the poem was good. the heroine comes out mentally tough in the end, and the monster does what he always does and fades into wretchedness. whatever happened to chopping them up, LOL
i like the top, prose part better. i like poetry, but when you use rhyme, you sacrifice the original meaning and intent for form sometime. aside from that, i thought your article was interesting. you ever had a computer and when you click on something, it gets tuck trying to load? that's what this reminds me of. the characters mind is stuck. why ask why? that question can have a thousand answers, depending on who's asking. don't mean to come off high-handed, but instead of searching for why's, make a "why" and stick to it, work for it, and life will not seem aimless. not aimed at you, but in response to the writing itself. but good thought. i think many people have this sort of question.
HEY RACHEL hmmm...a dark one, huh. the poem itself is good. it has an easy rhythm to follow and the wording creates a sentiment of ubiquitous pain and suffering amidst the eyes of the selfish and petty. the character seems to be in that stage of mind where seeing this side of life is unavoidable and you did a good job in placing yourself in the perspective of a person who is so entrenched in darkness, all they can see is pain. the poem kind of downs the mood though
Suggestions/Corrections: none found. well-written, rachel. you emotions come through clearly :)
cute write, molly. makes me think back to when i was a kid. very warm and charming, it's a wholesome poem i would read to any young child of mine.
nice work, molly :)
what's up, breezy. liked the poem. had a good opening, and the rest of the poem FLOWED on very well. the words, form, and structure all worked well to make the poem great. i think that even though you meant well by the thought, it just comes of weird that a person would be content simply being a reflection of somebody else. but i know what you were reaching for and it' a really good thought wirtten in an awesome poem. nice work, breezy. i thought it was pretty good
Suggestions/Corrections: nothing besides the already mentioned. that criticism is only opinion though. the actual poem was really well done. nice work, breezy :)
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