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Review Requests: ON
1,098 Public Reviews Given
1,125 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I know it is hard to write a story when constrained by the limits of a word count for a contest, challenge, etc.

That being said, the sudden jump in the Prince's attitude from wonder to wanting to punish jarred. There should have been suspicion from the word go, to build up. As it is, it made no sense in the context of the story. Some-one who had never had candy would find it way too sweet, even bitter, and that could easily have been the catalyst for his anger.

You need to watch you punctuation at times. "...For if it's like this," His hand held the candy cane high. "I shall make you head adviser!” should be "...For if it's like this" - his hand held the candy cane high - "I shall make you head adviser!” In that same passage, "his hand" could just as easily have been "he" without losing any meaning, and helped with your word count. There are a few other instances where you used extraneous words that could have been utilised better elsewhere.

Now, the opening description was really well done. You set the scene well, and the camel knowing where to go was a good choice (having a camel was excellent). This sort of descriptive world-building is hard to pull off so well in such a word count constraint.

All up, it was a decent little story, but that jarring 180-degree turn felt odd.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
A nice job here in putting forth the point of view of some-one who know they are in a toxic relationship and yet feels they cannot leave (or maybe do not want to leave - that lack of a definite works really well).

Now, when it comes to the poetic form, with the rhyme scheme you have used, the last 2 stanzas work really well. The rest have inconsistent syllable count and meter: 8/6/10/8 9/6/7/6 8/7/8/7 9/9/8/9 9/9/10/8. I read poems out loud to get a feel for them and the first three verses are awkward to say with a sense of rhythm, especially with the last 2 working.

Some word choices - sooth should be soothe (sooth means truth, e.g. forsooth!) and full on pride should be full of pride. Capturer is an archaic word and feels awkward. However, none of the rhymes feel forced, which is a good positive.

So, all up, a strong idea decently executed that with a little tweaking, I think could be a really strong poem.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
328
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Review of WITHOUT YOU  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting poetical form here, one that works in this case and puts forward a dichotomy rather well. The concept works rather well.

However, there are a few forced rhymes, where the rhyme was more important than the meaning. In ost cases, the two ideas of without/with are rleated, buty sometimes to fit the rhyme you have established, it falls a little flat. e.g.:
WITHOUT YOU,
I'm done for.
WITH YOU,
Never a war.
The two ideas don't match as well as, say:
WITHOUT YOU,
I'm outrageous.
WITH YOU,
I'm courageous.
where the two ideas mesh well.

So, yes, I liked this. Well done. And good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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329
Review of The Pier  
Review by s
Rated: E | (2.0)
This was very hard to read.

The lack of paragraphing, lack of punctuation, inconsistent tenses buried the meaning.

As it was, I did not get the sense of a story, but of a vignette, just something that happened. There was a lot of discussion between two characters and then some-one arrived out of the blue and that was it. There were no antagonising events. If you were supplying a vignette or character study, fine, and I apologise.

I did get an idea of the two characters being tense with one another, and discussing things in a way that felt natural. You have an ear for dialogue sounding natural without being filled with info dumps.

But the lack of technical aspects of writing here made this very difficult.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
It's taken me a while to review this, and I apologise.

Your descriptions are vivid and paint a nice word picture. There is also a sweetness about the relationhip betwen grandmother and Johnny that comes through in the work. You have shown us very well that there is a deep connection there.

A couple of things, though.

* The way direct speech is portrayed is inconsistent throughout the work, sometimes with quitation marks, sometimes the dash method.
* Some sentences are awkward. "She had planted morning-glories..." for example feels like two sentences pushed together.
* It felt more like a vignette than a short story, as it described an occurrence. There is nothing wrong with that, but it did feel like it was setting up for a short story that never came.

The problem is, I feel like I am being too negative with a piece of work that is well-written in general and has some really strong show (not tell) elements to it. And, yes, I can see it coming from a younger POV.

Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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for entry "~ Taking Daddy Home ~" 
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very cool anecdote about looking for the right place. You managed to keep a good sense of purpose and tone throughout and the writing was so very clean.

I would have one thing I would recommend. There are a few times where you repeat the same information. e.g. "I noticed a tree in the center of a traffic circle. The traffic circle had been there as long as my dad had been there. It was likely to stay there forever. And I could see the tree in the aerial shot." Seeing the tree is mentioned twice. These little extraneous words could be tightened, which would make it a great slice of life.

But this is really nicely done. Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of One Too Many...  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love it!

The humnour is so good and the subtleties running through the identity of the last remaining child in the "suit" is so very good.

The rhyming scheme and rhythm work really well, and saying it out loud was easy.

Great poem! Thanks for sharing!

(Penguins infiltrating our world... evil...)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice, brief take on the Freaky Friday scenario of body swapping and learning that life in some-one else's shoes might look rosy, but there are always 2 sides to every story.

Your description of Marlene's life being looked at by an outsider who is now inside was quite insightful, and the home life encountered felt uncomfortably real. After all, the authorities rarely believe such good, upper class people do things like that.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC, so with that in mind:
* You don't need "[Introduction]" and "Days Later". In a short story, these sorts of headings are not useful. The first is not needed and the second can more easily be shown.
* There are quite a few punctuation errors, especially around direct speech. This needs a really thorough edit.
* The time period for Lily understanding Marlene feels right, but not the other way around. Her whole attitude when she abuses Lily at school tells me she would not care if she found out Lily had no father, especially with the abuse she is suffering at the hands of her mother. There needs to be something more there.
* While I do not think present tense works for this tale, even in that, you occasionally move into past tense. Again, a good edit will clean this up.
* The ending is too neat. Marlene's friends and reputation and past actions at school are still there. This is too clean and tidy for everything you've set up.

This seems negative, but there is a strong emotion at the core of the story. You allow the reader to have empathy with Lily, and show us really well what her home life is like with two adoring younger brothers. We can see what she is going through and get a sense of her confusion at this new life. Her admission that she might not want this all the time is an interesting one, giving us an even larger hint of her introversion.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
These are the things that came to me as I read it.

The opening line ”John is…” does not fit. I would start with, “Jesus, this your beloved, John, son of Zebedee. I have not taken time to speak with you and I beg your forgiveness…” or something like that.
Lower case “I” in “It” after comma.
As an old man John write the Revelation of St John, living in exile on an island with just a young boy servant his only contact with the outside world. No-one would be allowed to ask him about anything.
The repetition of him longing for Jesus’ return is overdone. A few times, but it is taken too far and takes the reader out of the story.
Three paragraphs starting “I remember…” in a row is also a distraction to a reader.
The betrayal comes out of chronological order.
Referring to the leaders as “Jewish leaders” is not a phrase John would have used because he was very much Jewish and all considered Jesus Jewish as well (except Saul/Paul).
Good pick up with Thomas doubting – this is only mentioned in John, not the other 3 Gospels. That meant it had relevance for John.
John’s Gospel was almost rejected because it is so different to the other 3, but as he was the only one of the 12 to have written the events down not long after they happened, his Gospel was kept (where many others were rejected). It is also salient to remember Saul/Paul tried to have the Johannine interpretation of Jesus and his message shut down, but he failed.

So, that’s where I stand with the way it reads to me.

As far as the technicalities of writing, I mentioned a few places where you echoed the same words, but there are more. I think you need to be careful of that “word echo” in the way it is written. The rest of it was very clean, well-written and requires little in the way of editing.

You have an overall tone of depression throughout, which is to be expected, but I think there are times when a little more joy could be injected. The man from Capernaum, Lazarus, even the baptism by John – all of these could be a little more happy in the tone in which they are written, or maybe more wonder-filled. At the moment you just recall what happened. How did John feel? Why did he feel like that? What was going through his mind? What did it make him believe, considering he was a devout Jew?

So, overall, it is a good piece, I just feel in some areas it could be tightened up a little.

Good luck with it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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335
Review of An Odd Duck  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well... this was a really good piece of flash fiction with an ending I did not see coming.

Technically, there was nothing I could see out of place - quite the rarity here at WdC - and you managed to build up a degree of intrigue as the story progressed.

But that ending - perfect for a story like this.

If this was written for a contest, good luck. This is really strong.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Price of Fame  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Three very good limericcks. You'vve stuck to the conventions of the limerick, not only in rhyme, but rhythm and the way they are suposed to end with a twist. With poetry I read it out loud and I only stumbled on one line:
He tired of the snow
I'm not sure what it was, but it just drew me out of the rhythm. I think it was the very long vowel sound at the beginning and the three long vowel sounds throughout.

However, really well done, and good luck in the contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
The idea behind this story is a really strong one and the ending is just right, playing poker. The money bit after deciding to play poker did feel tacked-on, to be honest (I would have ended with him waking up in his own body again), but the story of waking up in another's body, no explanation given (I like that aspect a lot; we do not need explanations all the time in horror!), and the person you're with basically saying, "Not again," is a good story beat.

You have generated two good characters as well that sound and feel different from one another, and match the roles they are playing.

However, there are many, many issues with punctuation, and even word choice. In the very first line you had louse - a small creature (plural, lice) - instead of lousy, for example. Missing, misused and confused punctuation did make it a hard read at times, and I had to go back to get the meaning often. This needs a very thorough functional edit to match the story-telling at its core.

So, story is really strong, but technicalities need work.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Redacted Run  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like what you've done here. The idea of a redaction poem is to change the meaning and tone of the original work, and you have most certainly done that. I am not a big fan of the original song, but your poem improves it. My only complaint is that it did feel a little brief and that one-line stanza stood out rhythmically. I like the rhythm you put into the rest of the work, though, and I liked the choices you made. Also, thank-you for supplying the full redaction.

So, yes, a really good piece. Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Underdog  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a really strong poem. The syllable rhythm and rhymes flow easily. I like to read poems out loud to get a handle on them, and this one was easy. The only verse I stumbled over was "I’ve always been the underdog/in everything I do..." but that was it.

This was a fun poem, and something I am sure many people can agree with or relate to.

Not much more to say - this is the style of poetry I prefer and you have hit the nail right on the head.

Well done, and good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of "The Aristocrats"  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, I liked this one. A comedian going to 'The Aristocrats' in a moment of panic is something I have yet to see after more than 30 years of going to gigs and open mic nights, but I could imagine it, and could imagine an audience being stunned into silence.

Okay, two things, though. There needs to be work on punctuation. Missing commas, direct speech punctuation - it needs polishing.

Second, you head hop. You go from Emmie to Sean to Emmie. Especally in flash fiction, you need to stick with one person's POV (using limited 3rd person) if not using omniscient 3rd person. It is not a difficult fix - as Sean had rehearsed this with Emmie earlier, have it be her thoughts describing seeing him lose it, going off-script, instead of it coming from Sean.

Still, I liked the story, and you told a good one with the limited word count of flash.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is very well thought out and very well presented.

There is nothing really for me to say that could improve it - technically, the set-out as an opinion-piece (op-ed), everything was spot on.

I do think, considering the amount of space you gave combatting alleged voter fraud, that some situations you could also have gone into with a bit more detail, but that is a minor thing in the grand scheme of things.

Excellently done. I'd vote for you (yes, even in Australia we have these same issues).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting story. I am guessing Dr Who? I mean, I could be wrong, but that was a very strong impression.

I don't normally review fan-fiction works, but this one struck a chord with me. You have put some real emotion into the words and situations used, which comes across well.

Now, some issues. First, you need to look at how you punctuate direct speech. Commas, capitals, quotation marks, etc. were all over the place. Also, there were tense shifts which just served to confuse. Find a copy of White & Strunk Elements Of Style to help is my recommendation.

Next, the opening paragraph had the word "room" appears four times in the first three sentences, "hospital" appears twice near the beginning, and "sat" twice at the end. The repetition is not needed, and it detracts from the narrative. These echo words tell the reader you don't trust them to get your story. Sometimes there are reasons for repetition, but this is not one of those times.

Now, I only review things I like, and I did like this, but you really do need to work on some of the technicalities of writing.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting essay.

Technically, it is fine. A few errant commas and capital letters, and sentence fragments, but that was about it. Nothing a good clean edit won't fix.

I am going to look at this from a purely essay point of view. Your points, your conclusions, etc. are not what I am going to look at, neither the content.

My biggest issue is your opening line.

You are stating an opinion as a fact to open your essay. You entire opening paragraph is an opinion. And that is fine, but in an essay you need to put forth facts that cannot be disputed. Your opening paragraph can be disputed. You need to find a way to word this so as to be less divisive from the word go, because an essay will put people off if it states something like this.

That was my biggest issue. Once you got into the meat of the argument you backed up your opinions reasonably well without offering much in the way of evidence.

If you can tighten up the wording of the opening paragraph, I think this will be more accessible to more readers.

(I only review things I like or appreciate, so I do not hate this... and this coming from an old atheist.)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Spacewalk  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An interesting retelling of the Major Tom scenario, albeit a reluctant Major Tom.

I liked the story and the way you built up the tension in the arc before the ending came and gave a semi-cathartic, tragic release.

Technically, this story was well done, but there were a couple of points where echo words existed.

A phrase like "I guess I should have used the MMU like you suggested, Jim. That nitrogen jet-pack would have come in real handy right about now." is telling the audience and feels odd. They would not use the second sentence; it is there for the reader and takes some-one out of the immersion. That second sentence would have been understood by the characters.

You also have points where you tell us something in text then the characters say the same thing.

One last little thing - I thought all astronauts nowadays used the metric system? I could be wrong, of course...

Anyway, I only review things I like here at WdC and this was a tense little tale of death. Nicely done.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of One day  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting and reflective piece. I'm not going to assume it is based on your reality, but know that it does reflect mine.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC, so, with that in mind:

The only technical error I found was a missing capital (your snores...), so it was very clean.

The phrase "...those two mongrels for cats" felt jarring. There is something not quite right about the word usage.

That line about the $11000 came out of nowhere and did harm the flow of the piece.

I can tell you were happy with the line "...even selflessness has some component of selfishness" but it does not quite fit in here, because the idea of selflessness came out of nowhere and does not fit the rest of the story which, by its nature is a selfish reminiscence.

One last thing: with each new paragraph either use an indent or a double return to make it more obvious where the paragraphs go.

I know this might feel negative, but the whole was very good. The description of changing hair colour and the line of the nose painted a strong word picture. And I felt the narrator was truly missing the person.

So, yes, I liked it.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Coven  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
An interesting erotica/horror story. Don;t see a lot of these here that keep the sexual aspect muted like this.

Technically it was quite good; I think there might have been a couple of times when I questioned use of commas, but that could also be a personal thing.

As to the story, it went along quite well, and I really liked the ending where the "bad" aspect won, killing the friend.

As a Latin scholar, though, I question the translation of Latin you have used, and why would Hecate - a Greek goddess - be in a Latin (Roman) prayer? Technically, the Romans did not have an equivalent goddess, so I probably would have gone the ancient Greek route for the language.

But that is a minor quibble. Good little tale here, with an ending I really liked.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not much to say here. Nicely done, good sense of eerieness, and the perfect denouement. Because I chose not to read the prompt untiil after I read it, so it wasn't spoilt for me, but it also fits the prompt perfectly.

Technically, I found no mistakes.

So, excellent work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Flesh  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting look at freedom taken to an extreme.

I only review works I like, so with that in mind:

* You need to look at your punctuation of direct speech. Fullstops instead of commas used throughout. Also, standard nowadays is for double quotation marks, but I do understand some people use single and this is taught in schools still in some places. However, if looking to publish in the future, remember, double is industry standard for fiction.

*...their light in...uncharted... a most.......fog, broke into applause made no sense. The ellipses, the unfinished thoughts, it is confusing.

* Your use of language is archaic (e.g. the inquired reasoned). Again, not wrong, but might limit the audience it could gain, and it does cloud some of your meaning.

* There is a lot of tell here. You need to show us more. Especially at the end. Describe the sight that confronts everyone when the dish is revealed before the final denouement.

Still, a good piece of flash fiction overall with an interesting idea behind it.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of HERO  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A good story, a nice cute-meet romance set-up, using a fire quite well to put forth the budding romance.

Now, I only review works I like, so, in that vein:
* The name of the firefighter changes from Davison to Davidson.
* The punctuation is all over the place. It flows in and out of being correct, especially when it comes to direct speech. This needs a really good edit.
* The next morning, if he had hit his head and so would be under some sort of concussion protocol, there is no way a hospital would have let him sort out things with his mother that quick.
* The use of present tense in this story does not work all that well.

But the biggest thing is you tell way too much of this story instead of showing us. For example, you wrote, "... as his shoulder becomes dislocated." Show us. "...as he felt the grinding of the bones in his shoulder. The pain ran from the joint up into his jaw and the base of his skull even as the feeling in his hands became vague and clouded. The bones moved again and a 'click' came to his ear; at the same time he felt the shoulder move out of its joint, the deep pain of a tearing ligament turning the pain into a blinding agony." Okay, it's not great and it's rushed, but here we have shown the reader what is happening to his shoulder, and the reader gets more of a sense of the danger involved.

Anyway, like I said, it was an interesting story and well put together, and the characters were both quite likeable throughout.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Flexibility  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a shame this was limited by the "express it in 8" restrictions because it felt like it was just lacking a punchline stanza. It felt unfinished.

Apart from that, this is great, and something I can relate to oh so much, having recently (at age 50+) gone back into a wrestling ring...

Sorry I can't add much more. Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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