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Review Requests: ON
1,076 Public Reviews Given
1,103 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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201
201
Review of Chef's Special  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This Gordon Ramsay inspired tale started off really well, getting into the idea of a bad place, but it having wonderful food.

Technically, it was fine. I could see no issues, and I do like finding work this clean on WdC!

As for the story, the ending - "fish pie" - did not make sense to me. I must be missing something, but I am not sure what it is.

Also, after a good beginning, you dumped a "tell" on us: "...and discovered something horrific:" Instead, describe the feeling in Gordon's body, his physical repulsion and rising nausea, and his mental frantic panic, then what he saw. You don't need to tell us it is "horrific", but show us what it us and let the reader decide for themself.

Still, an entertaining story.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
202
202
Review of Let It Go  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This was an interesting look at the old "butterfly wings chaos" story, that we never know what little event in the past will lead to the big event in the future.

Technically, it was fine. Maybe a couple of places where I wouldn't agree with comma usage, but that is a personal thing. Some formatting with paragraphs was off, but I do know it is hard in an online space to get them all perfect.

As to the story, it is not what I usually read (happy WdC anniversary!), but I became engrossed in it. The desperation of the mother could be felt, even though a lot of it was tell and not show. The idea she could go back and try to change everything and anything, and in the end it was a careless discarding of an apple core... well done.

I think my biggest thing with this tale is that the tell instead of show does mute some of the emotion that could be wrought from this story, especially at the end in the hospital. Does she remember the alternate future where her child was dead? How does that play with her mind? Things like that.

Still, a fine tale.

Well done and good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
203
203
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Well, this story got to me - it was really well done. The conversational tone, the idea of this Lanelle being always right, her being kept deliberately mysterious, the fact that people only saw her once - it was all spot-on. At first, I was not sure about the info dump opening, but it really helped set the scene for what was to come.

Now, a few things. First, this needs a good edit. From misused worrds ("tour" for "to our", for example) to comma usage, a thorough clean is needed.

Second, your use of tenses. To really up the way this story reads, I personally would keep the opening introduction and the last section, the story that starts with no ending given, in present tense, and the rest in past. At the moment, the sections don't quite work with the tenses they have.

And, finally, the people who tell their tales of meeting Lanelle all sound the same. I think there should be some differentiation in voice to give the reader that subtle hint that these are all indeed very different people.

Now, this does seem like I am being picky, and I guess I am, but that is because I feel this story has a lot of potential, and I mean saleable potential. It would be perfect for some anthologies I've appeared in. I mean it - it is that good as a concept and in delivery.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
204
204
Review of Not as Young...  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Well, this was a poem I could relate too all too well... unfortunately.

You've covered so much of what it is like to get old, and the humour is maintained throughout.

Good, strong rhyming scheme as well, with some of the cut sentences adding to the way the humour works. And thanks for including the song.

My biggest issue is the meter or rhythm. I read poems out loud to get a feel for them, and I tend to fnd rhyming poems need a constant rhythm for the rhymes to work. The syllable count varies a lot in this piece, and it does make it awkward to recite.

Still, decent poem otherwise.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
205
205
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I'm glad the note was there, explaining this is leading to a longer work. I liked the story set up in the garden, then the three younger ones talking give some world-building without being an info-dump. I really like the way you weaved that into your story. We have a world where magic exists and ghosts are accepted, but you didn't just blurt it out - you showed us.

The characters were fine (although Adwina felt a little flat) and all felt like separate people. This is a good hook of a first chapter, and that rests a lot on Zayda's shoulders. She is a strong character.

Technically, there were a few errors in the punctuation of direct speech. I also feel you've over-used the ellipsis. But, still, fine.

So, a good opening for a longer story.

Well done and good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
206
206
Review of Enemy  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


An interesting look at the "advancements" of warfare and how it affected those left behind. You had two great characters here, and they were separate from one another, not feeling like the same person. Also, your descriptions, though minimal, set a good, strong scene. Less is more definitely worked here.

Technically, there were some areas in direct speech that need some work. And an ellipsis has only 3 dots. Apart from that, it felt fine.

So, a strong story here.

Well done and good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
207
207
Review of The Cellar Door  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An interesting ghost story, where the ghost seems to get what she wants.

Technically, there was a place were em-dashes would gave been better than commas, but that was about it. Very clean; nicely done.

Story-wise, I didn't see the ending coming, which I like. There was a good build-up through the door being open, and the hint that the woman's death was not natural at the end. I think my only issue was that there were a lot of passages where we were told instead of shown things. The opening exposition might have been a fraction long; by reducing this we could have got more of what Aiden was feeling, emotinally and physically. And you showed you can do it by your strong description of the ghost-corpse at the end.

Still, a fun ghost story.

Good luck going forward and thanks for entering the contest.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
208
208
Review of Nature or Nurture  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Interesting look at the nature of evil from the mind of who could be an antagonist down the track.

Technically, The only errors I found were a few letters missing, but nothing a good edit wont fix.

Story-wise, it felt like a lot of tell and very little show. Sandy indicated that what she did was not normal, but that was it. How did this play on her mind? What was she feeling? What physical and emotional sensations were going through her? And while you indicated she could not help but obey her true father, there is no indication how this made her feel about her adoptive parents, the conflicts, etc.

It felt rather muted to me.

Good luck going forward and thanks for entering the contest.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
209
209
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An enjoyable story, the sort of surrelaism that works well when skewering religion. The characters of the god and Steven were well portrayed and consistent throughout, and the concept was carried through nicely, with the humour working well throughout.

Now, on a technical level, there were a lot of punctuation errors, especially around direct speech, so this needs a really thorough edit.

In general, as well, sorry to say, but it did read something like a Terry Pratchett pastiche. He has been there before with this sort of idea.

Still, as a fun tale that does not take itself all that seriously, it was very well done.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
210
210
Review of Maniac  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Okay, the concept of this story is intriguing. With people forced into an experiment, you have delivered a hook, set up an office workplace and given us characters without too much info dumping quite well.

Now... you asked for feedback...

On a technical side - punctuation, grammar, etc. - there were very few errors, and that is excellent. It's something I do not see enough of here.

Formatting... The opening paragraph, which feels like a sort of directive, might be better served in italics, to ensure the reader knows it is not a direct part of the narrative.

You jump from third person to third person mid-scene. Choose one and stick to it.

You jump back and forth between present and past tense. Again, choose one and stick to it.

I don't get the Act 1, Vol.1, End of Act 1 stuff. Acts is more used in visual media and volumes if you know what you are writing is going to be a multi-volume, epically long work.

There is a lot here that works well, but there are also some things that need some work. Definitely potential for this to be quite intriguing.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
211
211
Review of Odd O'blography  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is really well done, a nice little vignette, and one that I can relate to. When I was married, I did the shopping, but on the rare occasions we did it together, she managed to disappear just as I'm gathering the meat! Every time!

Look, this was well-written, sounding like some-one regaling their mates at the pub. Technically, there was nothing wrong. And the final paragraph tied it up well.

Great work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
212
212
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
A fun little flash fiction piece. The story rings very true - I had a student do this, though she was 10, and her mother also threatened to take the door off - and then the final denouement also rings true. So much said in such a small number offf words.

Technically, there were a few missing bits of punctuation, but nothing a good edit won't fix.

This was just an easy read and a fun one.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
213
213
Review of Empty Spaces  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a very brave thing to put down in writing and show to the world.

Unfortunately, I do know something of how you feel. And I think the conclusion you have come to, that suicide is not the answer because it will fill the void, is one I still have to remind myself of all the time.

On a technical point, I saw nothing glaringly wrong. And as to the way it is presented, it feels like a stream of consciousness, so I am not going to say anything there. I read it through twice and it got to me as well.

I hope writing this has helped you.

Good luck going forward. In everything.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
214
214
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
An interesting story, an origin story of a werewolf hunter who could turn into a werewolf as he had done in the past, along with the only peson who knows his truth. That is a good concept and one worth working on.

However, the story was a lot of tell with not a real lot of show. You just told us what was going on; there was so much more opportunity to make this more of a demonstration of what was happening. What this then did was make the two characters feel interchangeable as there was very little about how they were written to differentiate them.

Technically, there were a lot of punctuation errors, especially in direct speech and the use of sentence fragments, way too many for a review to list them all. And you kept going back and forth between present and past tense; pick one and stick to it for the whole story. All up, this needs a really good edit.

So, there is the idea of a good story here that just needs some work to make it "pop".

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
215
215
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
This feels like a prologue. There is not much progression of a story, but it sets up some world-building. As it is, the idea of an alternate history tale where the Mayan calendar meant something is always an interesting concept, and one that you have mapped out well here.

Technically, I think there were a few misused commas, but that was all.

In the way this was delivered, I like the way it feels like sone guy at a pub telling the tale. The rambling style works that way, along with the first person narrative. I am not sure how that would go for a novel-length work, but for this it does work.

A few things, though. First, it does feel like a sort of info-dump, just giving us all the information at once with only vague hints as to what the story will be. And the opening sentence regarding the Sasquatch was never touched on again, and that felt odd considering it is the hook of your tale here.

So this is an interesting opening.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
216
216
Review of THE BATTLEFIELD  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the idea of this poem, of the old soldiers coming back to keep the fight going for all eternity.

Some phrases are nicely done: "Once-Were Men"; "re-die each night", "yester-wars" - very cool.

Now, to review poetry, I like to read it out loud. In this poem, being a rhyming poem with an ABCB scheme, it felt like it needed a strong meter to make reading it easy, but the syllable count moved a bit, making it awkward at times. I'd just look at that a little, probably turning the 8-syllable lines into 7s. Oh, and it should be "thousands re-die", plural.

Still, a good poem with a strong theme and idea.

Good luck going forward (from a fellow Aussie).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
217
217
Review of Small Moments  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The concept of this is a really high one. The film In Time tried something similar, but that was a mess. I think by looking at the very personal, especially the children, you have made a more coherent and relatable story.

I could not fault the story, the focus on one with a shorter life being counselled by one with a longer, then meeting those at the end. Well constructed and put together.

So, my only comments are that this needs a good edit. There are not a huge amount of punctuation/grammar/syntax errors, but enough to be noticeable. Some commas where em-dashes would have worked better, some full-stops instead of commas. Like I said, a thorough edit should be able to clean all of this up.

So, a good story, with a hopeful ending.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
218
218
Review of Like Clockwork  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Anniversary review time!

This was an interesting piece, and I am guessing it is based on reality. I say this because when we did A Clockwork Orange at university, one of my fellow students found an article which claimed the same thing your professor did - that the language was invented by Burgess whole-cloth - and the lecturer's explanations had me intrigued, and made me appreciate the book all the more.

The story itself was a good one, though as an Australian some of the schooling aspects I did not understand. Cultural differences.

It seemed like all turned out well in the end, though.

Technically, there were some errors, especially around direct speech and comma usage, but a good edit should sort them all out.

Stll, a fun read.

Goood luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
219
219
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This is being done as a part of the anniversary reviews.

I don't often read the self-help articles here, but this one struck me, and I found it was one of the better ones. There is an emphasis on the self and not on external agencies, which makes it easier to relate to. And the fact you say your solution is not simple is honest.

Technically, I think the headings need to be differentiated from the body text better. There is also a tendency to overuse question marks. Three in a row doesn't really add much. Apart from that, the rest was fine.

So, a good piece, not something I usually read, but one I am glad I did.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
220
220
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy anniversary month!

What an interesting tale. It is one of those pleasant little Christmas stories that abound at that time of the year. They don't require much thinking, but still have a sense of the season.

Technically, there is some missing punctuation, even some missing quotation marks. It does need a thorough edit.

I did enjoy the story, though.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
221
221
Review of Natural 20  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I found this in your port as a part of the anniversary celebrations.

What drew me to this story was the D&D aspect. I am old-school (we still play original AD&D), but I got my son into it and he plays online like this. And he met a girl just like this. She made him roll against his charisma before she accepted his invitatiion to an IRL meet up, but it was very similar.

I think you have shown this well, nice use of show, and good use of colour to represent the Discord. It felt real, like the way I see my son play this online and what goes through his head.

I really enjoyed this. Thanks for the good read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
222
222
Review of The Box  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I am reviewing this as a part of your anniversary celebration.

What I really liked about this story was the characterisations of Steven and Billy. There was a little bit of tell instead of show, but generally you had these two characters going through life, even with a mysterious entity in their place, and they just cruise along until things don't go well. You built up the fact there has been an issue with the doorbell without info-dumping it all.

I think the ending came a little out of nowhere. There was no real tension or build up to the sudden explosion. A little bit of tension in the writing would have helped.

I do like the last line.

Technically, I saw nothing wring. Very clean.

Good luck going forwards.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
223
223
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I found your name in the list of anniversary celebrants, and looking through your port, this one struck me.

While it is the start of something, it even works as an open-ended short story all its own. You have some nice descriptions and some nice character development through here. There are no real info dumps and it works fine. The ending feels horror-based, which just works.

There are some technical issues. Missing capital letters, misused and missing commas, the formatting of thoughts to make them differentiated - this needs a thorough edit.

On a presentation level, I think I'd have chosen a larger font and a greater line spacing, just to make it easier to read.

But well done.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
224
224
Review of silent waters  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
There is the basis here of something very strong, a loud noise disturbing the horror in the water, and that coming because of the sound of a feeding bird growing too uncomfortable. Noise leading to noise eading to horror.

The problem is the presentation. One block of text makes for difficult reading. There are a number of paragraphs rammed together here. It needs better separation.

The idea that this is a horror story is diluted by the way it is told. This is all tell, very little show, and that means it does not read as particularly scary.

You also use a lot of passive voice, which does lend itself to horror. Make things more immediate, things happen to something. e.g. you wrote: a bird had landed on the head of the body, and was pecking at a spot on the top of its head, and blood had begun to spatter from the point of impact. Maybe: A bird landed on the head of the body to peck at a spot on the top of its head. Blood spattered from the point of impact. My suggestion is not great, I know, but it gets rid of passivity.

There are also a lot of misspelled words (e.g. echoe -> echo; abourd -> aboard), misused capital letters, misused punctuation and other technical errors. This needs a thorough edit.

So, good idea, but the execution needs tidying.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
225
225
Review of All in the Game  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Another fine piece of work. This flash fiction has build up and build up... and then the payoff is short, sharp and shiny without beinng stretched out. It works so well as a nice, brief piece.

Technically, it is fine, as usual.

Unfortunately, the only issue I have is the issue I have with a lot of flash fiction, my own included - you are forced to use tell at times and rush through some bits. That's not your writing; that's the style/genre.

Still, I did enjoy this. And, again the denouement is perfect.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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