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Review Requests: ON
1,076 Public Reviews Given
1,103 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review of Haboob  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi.

Interesting little story. You used some good descriptions, relying on not just the physical but also the personal to depict the terror.

However, I will say the ending of the "all a dream" trope didn't sit well with me. It's just something I am not a fan of. And there were a couple of places where it could be tightened up. e.g.
There was nothing in here except some old papers and the divorce papers for when she and Drew divorced when Patti was just a baby.
could be
There was nothing in here except some old papers, including those from the divorce from Drew when Patti was just a baby. ("from Drew" is probably also unnecessary, as he isn't mentioned again)

Punctuation: take us home. “Sally said should be take us home," Sally said

Still, an interesting story with some nice imagery. Good luck going forward.


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152
152
Review of Family Visit  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting little vignette, showing that sometimes we always remain our parents' children.

As a story, it was fine, but it did become bogged down in a lot of detail. For example, why does it matter that the meal cost $9.99? It didn't really come up again or mean anything.

Technically, there were a lot of punctuation errors, especially around direct speech, but also in other places. There was at least one occasion when you drifted into present tense from past tense. This needs a very thorough edit to get it reading a little more comfortably.

This was something that intrigued me - they've been together for 6 months, she's six months pregnant and they're planning a wedding. Does not feel like a lifelong romance, and the fact she was noticing his wandering eye at the restaurant, maybe for the first time, indicates that. Nice bit of showing (as opposed to tell).

So, there is some work to do, but you have some strong characterisation here, and there are a lot of positives to work with.

Good luck going forward.


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153
153
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy anniversary!

This is an interesting little look at how the small things for us are sometimes the big ones for another. Finding an old diary and then tracking down the relatives is the sort of thing that makes for a fine tale. You even made info-dumps (like height and weight) seem interesting in the context of the find.

One little thing - if he enrolled in 1944, that's near the end of World War 2, not the start of World War 1. Apart from that, the rest was fine.

However, I think it lacked a little emotion on the part of the narrator. The narrator feels at a distance somewhat from the story; what enotions did this find bring up in them? It would have just made for a stronger, more impactful piece.

Anyway, good tale, and well done.


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154
154
Review of England's Jewel  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy anniversary!

This was a fascinating bit of history. I knew about Alfred's Jewel, but you have put it into a context that text books (and Wikipedia) fail to do. I also liked the family history you started with, claiming you had nothing exciting, as it shows a way into the greater history, a history that many people whose families come from England would share.

It is well-written, technically great, and kept me reading all the way through to the end.

Really well done.

Good luck going forward.


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155
155
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy anniversary!

I was attracted to this story becasue (a) I am Australian, and (b) my father was in Vietnam.

It was a fun little memory, a nice vignette of 5 days that clearly had such an impact on the narrator. (You've indiciated this is fiction, so I am not going to make assumptions.)

It was, however, a case of tell and not show. We got no real feel for the emotions of either person, why they 'clicked', how the feelings progressed.

On a technical level, it is standard for every new speaker to have a new paragraph, no matter how little they say.

There was a fine tale here, the sort someone would tell over a few beers at the pub, but for a full-on short story it just felt like it lacked something deeper.

Good luck going forward.


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156
156
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy anniversary!

This was a nice, intense little story of something in a graveyard. You built up the feeling of horror well and visions came... and then the ending felt a little too convenient. Asleep and waking up alone and then the father touching the shoulder. It lacked something the rest of the story had.

I also felt that from the time the castle appeared unstead of the cemetery, the story went to a little too much tell instead of the show you started with. Even then, I think there was not enough of the physical sensations coming from colliding with gravestones, from the cold, etc. given to the reader. This could have been even more intense.

Still, an interesting tale of horror.

Good luck going forward.


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157
157
Review of Greeting the Ex-  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy anniversary!

A drabble, which is so hard to write a full story in the very strict constraints. That you have succeeded and made it rather intense is a testament to your skill here.

However, I waas confused by the description of the antagonist having fur. Is Fritzie a cat or dog or werewolf? I was a little confused by that.

Apart from that, great drabble. Well done!


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158
158
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Prayer As Meditation by Jeff
Comments/review as judge:
Following the form was done really well:
- strong introduction that explains what you are going to argue
- 3 paragraphs that each told of a different element, and leading one into the other
- conclusion that tied the three body paragraphs together well
This was very well done. I could see no technical errors (but…) and the arguments were explained well and without being proselytising. My only issue is the rather long run-on sentence that makes up most of the final paragraph. Even in my head, I wanted to take a breath!
But this was a very strong essay and a great example of the form.


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159
159
for entry "Meditation" 
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Meditation by AmyJo- only 2 steps behind -
Comments/review as judge:
Following the form was done fine:
- okay introduction
- 3 paragraphs that each told of a different element, and leading one into the other
- conclusion that tied the three body paragraphs together well
The intro is only okay because using dictionary definitions is not seen as a strong way to introduce a topic – you are using the words of another to guide you.
Technically I couldn’t find any errors – great!
When it comes to content, I liked how you built up the concept of meditation, and then used this in the conclusion with “meditation isn’t for everyone”. That is well done, and ties well into your third paragraph, where you give some alternatives or minor ways of doing it. You also introduced the Bible seamlessly.
It was just that opening that didn’t work for me.


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160
160
Review of Meditation  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Meditation by THANKFUL SONALI Now What?
Comments/review as judge:
Following the form was done okay:
- good introduction
- 3 paragraphs that each tackled a different element
- not a strong conclusion
The conclusion should tie everything together in an essay; yours just addresses the reader, so it is lacking that sense of closure.
Technically, there were maybe two misused pieces of punctuation, so really strong.
In the content, I did have a question: how does the mind-body-soul connection enable us to be completely human? It was said without explanation, just acceptance.
Still, the rest was a strong piece of work.


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161
161
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A Personal Essay About Meditation by ruwth
Comments/review as judge:
Following the form was fine:
- strong introduction
- 3 paragraphs that show how you went about learning in a logical progression
- not as strong conclusion
The conclusion introduced new info – “taking thoughts into captivity” – and introducing the Bible beyond Borysenko’s book, which was the focus.
Technically, it was odd. Generally fine, but the second paragraph felt awkward with changes from first to second to third person pronouns (and “ar” instead of “at”).
The way you said you ignored some advice was good, as it showed that this is your very personal experience.
So, a generally strong essay.


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162
162
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
An General Essay About Meditation by ruwth
Comments/review as judge:
Following the form was done fine:
- okay introduction
- 3 paragraphs that each told of a different element, and leading one into the other
- conclusion that tied the three body paragraphs together well
The intro is only okay because using dictionary definitions is not seen as a strong way to introduce a topic – you are using the words of another to guide you.
Technically great! No errors! (Except the title: “An general…”?)
It was also easy to read despite the information imparted.
Strong essay


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163
163
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Christian Meditation by LightinMind
Comments/review as judge:
Following the form was done well:
- strong introduction
- 3 paragraphs that each tackled a different element
- conclusion that ties the three body paragraphs together
Technically I couldn’t find any errors – great!
I did have an issue with “little value to be gained from alternative forms” as it dismisses others so completely it made me recoil.
There are also a few assumptions to me, A lot of this was said without explanation, just acceptance. “How” and “why” should maybe have been addressed.
As a technical piece of writing, this was well done.


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164
164
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The following are my opinions only. One person. Take or leave as you wish.

This opening chapter is an interesting one. I do understand why the opening section is there as an introduction to the characters and to set the dance hall up, but it felt out if place, like it didn't belong. Considering they go dancing months later, it really didn't feel necessary.

Technically, this is really strong, with no errors that stood out to me. However, there is a lot of word repetition, especially in dialogue tags, but also at other times.

When we come to the dance hall, we get some good character development for Elsie, but the rest feel bland.

Now, this does feel very negative, and I apologise, but I did read through to the end and later on will hit chapter 2, so you certainly wrote a tale that captured the imagination.

Looking forward to what comes next.


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165
165
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not much to say, really.

This is a very pleasant story, technically I could see no errors, and it brought a smile to my face.

I think my only comment would be to separate paragraphs consistently. Sometimes there isn't the extra carriage return.

But in a few words you have managed to capture the start of an organically forming relationship. It felt natural and unforced.

Really well done.


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166
166
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting little vignette. The idea of a hunter falling for the vampire is a common one, but still comes across as a little creepier than normal.

I say vignette, as this is not really a story. It is just an incident that happens. And that is fine; it feels like it belongs in a longer work, but vignettes are what some people write.

There are quite a few errors of comma usage around your direct speech, so this needs a thorough edit.

It also lacks some horror. The descriptions come across as a little too much tell and not show; we don't get an idea of how they are really feeling (in all senses) and what is going on here apart from being told outright. I do understand this is a contest entry and so could well be hampered by word count, but if you ever decide to give it a do-over, that might be worth considering.

Good luck going forward.


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167
167
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting little poem. It does make someone think abut that - what are the trees thinking? What do they think of us?

As a free verse poem, it seems to work. I did read it out loud - as I always do with poetry - and these lines were the only ones that didn't feel like they worked: "Designing fiendish plots of revenge/ Dreams of vast nuclear destruction" It also brings up the question: why would trees dream of nuclear destruction?

Technically, there was one question mark missing, and that was it, so nicely done there.

Still, I did like the poem, and the feeling of paranoia your poem engenders is right there.

Good luck going forward.


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168
168
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting tale, one that I could see easily come to pass if a greater intelligence did come to Earth.

Now, technically, this was pretty clean. Very few errors that I could see, except industry stadard for scene breaks is three centred asterisks.

However, the verb tense constantly shifted back and forth between present and past tense. Pick one and stick to it. If something is supposed to be a character's thoughts, then italicise them, if this is what is required for a few of these occurences.

There is also a little bit of tell as opposed to show. I would centre this as a 3rd oerson narrow PoV on Johnson, so we have his ideas and thoughts and feelings and responses (physical and emotional as well as verbal) to drive the narrative.

This paragraph felt wrong: “What’s another five hundred thousand strangers to add to our numbers?” Commander Johnston had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. The words were said like a throwaway, and did not fit in with the bad feeling. If the other person had spoken, then Johnson should be a new paragraph.

This does sound quite negative and I apologise. The story idea is definitely there, it just read awakwardly.

Good luck going forward.


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169
169
Review of Stuck  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is, as you said, a short poem, but it says a lot.

I think this was well-written, but the lines that really got me were:
"The shadows move
but my footprints
stay right here."

That is such a good triplet of lines.

I think in that regard, the two lines before it do feel a little redundant.

But a strong piece. Well done.

Good luck going forward.


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170
170
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi.

Saw this on the newsfeed so I thought I'd give it a read.

Well.

That was depressing. It gives story with some detail, about a friendship falling apart.

As a poem, an emotion put into words, it is very effective.

Some lines did not seem to fit, especially those with the italics, which I automatically used as emphasis, as it felt like the narrator was being a touch petulant. However, the use of some other format choices - distance, gone, for example - was really good and fit it well.

You inidicated in the newsfeed it was based on life. I am sorry you went through this.

Nicely done.


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171
171
Review of Mr. Tibbs  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, happy WdC anniversary.

This is an interesting tale. I like the way you went from 3rd to 1st person, as that helped drive the story onwards well without being forced. We felt the way old Larry was suffering, and were with him in his inability to hear Jenna, his care for the old lady, even his joy at seeing Mr Tibbs after all this time. Jenna felt maybe a little too naive, but there was enough cynicism around her to make up for that.

Technically, the punctuation of some of the direct speech needs some work, and there does need to be something to differentiate personal thoughts from the rest of the narrative (italics have become industry standard). There were one or two other little things as well. I think this just needs a thorough edit.

Still, you painted a wonderful picture with words, with a rather depressing implied ending (I really like that the ending was implied) and some characters who engage the reader well.

Happy anniversary again!


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172
172
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, and happy WdC anniversary.

I decided to have a look at your port and in the "best of" collection. This one struck me, as monorhyme poems are quite the challenge.

First, well done on the rhyming scheme. I tend to read poems by speaking them out loud, and none of the rhymes felt forced (I was a little concerned abot the "Snap"/"map" words, but they worked well in context). You have tapped into the things that make WdC what it is.

My biggest concern came when I did read it out loud. The inconsistent meter/syllable count did make it awkward to maintain the rhythm at times. I tend to feel that rhyming poetry works best with a rhythm.

Still, a fun poem.
And, once again, happy anniversary.


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173
173
Review of Hate Me  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi! Looking hrough your port for something to review for your anniversary, I saw this had not been reviewed at all, so...

You have a strong sense of show, as opposed to tell. I felt the narrator's exasperation and anger. This was rather intense.

Some little things: "anymore" should be "any more" in this case; there are some commas missing (particularly in direct speech); "embarrassed of" should be "embarrassed by"; little things like that. I just needs a thorough edit.

I would also be careful of using words like "I felt". In something this intense, they diminish the effect. "I felt the heat steaming out of my ears." could be "Heat rose across my face, burning up my cheeks to my ears, my blood pumping as my breath became shorter." That is probably badly written, off the top of my head, but it is all definite, and that is what this piece warrants.

I do unerstand this is a sample and so is incomplete, but I think you have a good character introduction here, and this could easily be part of a longer whole.

Nicely done, good luck going forward, and happy anniversary.


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174
174
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy first WdC anniversary.

Well, this was an interesting story! Nice denouement at the end as well, one that works.

Technically, this was well done. Maybe one or two little slips, but nothing worth getting worried about. Just needs a thorough edit, I think. The only thing I will say is to separate the two sections better. The industry standard is * * *.

When it comes to the actual story, while you show us how eager and confused the man is, you do tell us a little too much. Give us more of his feelings, his concerns, etc. Bring in more of the 5 senses and more of his internalisations. I would also drop in one or two little hints that he is not a good guy, so the ending does not feel convenient. Make us wonder why he received this, and if we know he is nasty, then maybe we will want this to happen to him, not find out later. Let the reader in a little more. Not completely - just a little.

Still, a strong story. Well done.
And happy anniversary.


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175
175
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi. Happy anniversary. One year here!

I decided to give your story a read, and here are my thoughts.

The tale was an interesting one, looking at a girl used and abused. This is rather poignant at the moment because in Australia a young teenager was subjected to a 5 hour torture session by some of her friends in the past month or so, similar to what you have described. I don't think the ending of it being a film quite worked with the rest of the story; the only film I can think of where the actors were subjected to such torment was the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). I appreciate you have tried a unique twist, but it might need some more explanation and some more introspection on behalf of the narrator.

Technically, you need to watch verb tense. It starts in present, then shifts to past. Pick one and stick with it. Also, your use of commas needs work. You use dashes instead of commas in a few places. There are also some run-on sentences. Just needs a good edit.

Finally, there is a little too much tell instead of show. When you have shown - like the narrator describing how she found herself on waking - you have done it well. Incorporate that, using all 5 senses, into the rest of the story and it will really up the unease.

Good luck going forward and happy WdC anniversary.


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