Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

At first this sounds as though its a story about the wife and husband disagreeing about his smoking habits. I get the feeling that was the intention, because the way the ending is phrased tells me that much. It's actually a light, easy read, and has some amusing - dare I say realistic - banter between the two of them.


Best Elements

The dialogue, and the ending. It was clever, playing this off as though the wife really wanted to make her husband do something like quit smoking, when all the while it was the problem we couldn't see that was the problem. I had my suspicions, but I wouldn't have guessed what it really was ahead of time.


Suggestions

There's not much wrong with this, really. I'm not a grammatical expert or anything, but the big paragraph in the beginning could - in my opinion - have been broken up a tad more. It would look less intimidating, but it's not really necessary.


Overall

Good story. Amusing. I could see the dynamics in the relationship between these two, and they seem to make a good couple. One can hardly blame Marie for wanting to cure her husband's problem, and likewise couldn't blame Jim for being unenthusiastic about it. Especially once the reader finds out what that problem is.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A woman wakes up in an alley and finds a red stain (mark, really) on her arm. At first I had no idea what that was going to turn into, but long before I got to the bottom of the story I had already pieced things together. The ending, therefore, was not any surprise to me. I'm not sure if you intended it to be one or not.


Best Elements

The writing isn't bad, and the pacing doesn't seem rushed. I also like the conversation near the end with the person she is swapping places with. The visit to the doctor was also a nice touch. He didn't seem to notice anything was wrong, which compounded the obvious fact that something was wrong.


Suggestions

I kind of wish I'd had a bit more explanation on the main character before you got all the way to the end and plunged into a sad backstory. Plus, if you were going for surprise with her apparently 'turning demon' problem, I wasn't taken by surprise at all.

Maybe giving her some vague recollection of what transpired the previous evening might have helped, as well.

Overall

I'm not a fan of this kind of story. You pulled it off rather well, though, so I didn't mind reading it. I think there are a few points that could use improvement, but overall it isn't bad the way it is. Very fitting for the 'weird tales', though.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

The opening made me think I was going to read a story about a nurse wandering through the patients and musing her musings so the reader could follow them. This is sort of what is going on, except minus the wandering among patients. There are a lot of people in this unit, and many have already moved on according to the story. It's a sad place. Not much hope in it, and somehow cold and contemplative.


Best Elements

The way each patient is introduced is interesting. It is kept cold and professional, as though she - the nurse - took care of them, but never allowed herself to get too deeply involved with their personal lives. The focus is entirely on their physical conditions and where they came from.

Suggestions

It might help to make this story more interactive. I know where she is primarily because of the opening, but I'd like some of the routine motions as per the story's requirements. Maybe do some routine things while going through the pondering stage. It would help ground the reader into the scene more, and would help get to know the layout of the building. You might not have meant this to have a beginning, middle, and end, but making it more interactive would help the reader invest more in it.


Overall

I expected something a bit different than this, but I certainly don't regret stopping by to read it. It's something to think about. Something that could stay with someone a long time after they've read it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Disturbing little story about a woman who is going for an abortion. This is never outright stated, but it's implied enough that I drew the conclusion myself. She was directed to this shady location by a friend(?) or acquaintance, and is ushered into a creepy, dirty little room.

For such a short story, it didn't feel rushed or as if it was cut off too quickly, which is something I've always found difficult in short stories.


Best Elements

The beginning. The precision of her directions helped ground me in the scene, and gave me the immediate impression something shady was going on. Not to say the rest of it was bad, but the beginning is what really stood out to me.


Suggestions

For the most part, I can't say there's much that needs doing here. There are some extra words you could weed out, though, to make the reading less clunky.

Tara cautiously makes her way to the door,

This word is probably not needed. You can write this entire sentence to do without it.

EXAMPLE: Tara creeps to the door.

In the center of the room is a table, like an examination table. It has stirrups.

It might just be me, but I have a really hard time picturing this. As soon as the stirrups were mentioned, I couldn't help picturing a toy horsey. I'm sure that's not what you mean, which is why I thought I'd point it out.


Overall

Very creepy. I knew something was wrong from the start, but I had no idea how this would go until I reached the end. Tara has really gone in over her head in this story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

An old (I figure he's old, though his age is never specified) man in a hospital with cancer is trying to get past his inner demons before he dies. There's a sombre, hopeless, crotchety old man feeling throughout this piece. A bogging mood that's appropriate for the piece.

His only companion is the dog that brings him cigarettes and whatever else he wants. Quite an intelligent dog - although this is never drawn extra attention to.

At last Rick cannot take his situation anymore and takes one last trip to the restroom before he ends everything. His son isn't answering, and his life is going to end anyway.


Best Elements

Maybe it sounds biased, but I liked the dog best. Loyal mutt, it brings Rick whatever he wants. It's also fun that you almost made it sound as though the dog was another person that visited Rick every day. At first I thought it was a man, then a child, then finally realized it was a dog. that was interesting way to develop it.


Suggestions

Space your paragraphs better. That's my first suggestion, because those big blocks of text were incredibly intimidating when I first clicked into this, and I nearly backed right out again. If it had gone on much longer, I might have done so anyway. Make your story visually appealing so people are more likely to stick around and read it.

Secondly, I'd put the important information about his bad relationship with his son, and his problems with alcohol, earlier in the story. It's not fair to learn about the conflict right at the end. Put the important details first, and get to the rest later.

Make sure your tenses stay consistent.

The pale blue was sickening. It just looked...blah. Why did all hospitals smell like this? It literally smelled like the color. It smelled like a drab, pale, blue. The kind of blue that perhaps once tried hard to be a vibrant blue, but gave up and is now dying.

I feel like you were trying way too hard with this sentence. Look how many times the word 'blue' shows up. It's never important again later in the story, so I would advise simplifying this description.


Overall

It has a solid theme, I got the impression he was a crotchety old man upset with his life and his situation. Just ready for the end to come already, and wondering why its taking so long. The issues I have are stated above, although I'd also like to add that the beginning could use more power. Starting with a description - especially of this kind - is not going to catch a reader and hold them.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Moving piece. I liked the fact that she was a nurse, and is now confined to a nurse's care in the hospital. Listening to the voices of people and smelling their perfume. Even imagining their faces. It's a dreamy scene, as she drifts in and out of consciousness - well, maybe I should say 'awareness'.

The last line is good. When I skimmed to the bottom of the piece the first time I thought 'well, that's done it. She dies at the end', but no. Quite the opposite. She's going to recover.


Best Elements

I liked the theme of the story, and the ins and outs of her consciousness. There was something surreal about the whole thing. Plus, even if she's in a coma, I didn't have the deep feeling of despair usually associated with such pieces. Hope carried throughout.


Suggestions

Some grammatical issues, and typos. There are weird spaces here and there that you should search and eliminate, especially between commas and their prior words. You do not need a space before a comma.

My sister's loud voice breaks the silence now and I hear her asking how I am doing today.

You don't need this word. I know her voice is breaking the silence 'now' because you just said it broke the silence. It didn't happen later, and it can't have happened earlier.

What does that mean , I wonder.

This is one of the spaced-out commas I was referring to.


Overall

Interesting concept. I wonder if she'll make a full recover and go back to being a nurse, or if she's done that now and will have to retire. Either way, the ending was nicely done. The fact that she will survive and recover is enough at this point, as that was the entire focus of the story.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

From the opening, in spite of the description, I expected something sci-fi focused. The way it unfolded implied as much. Then, as I learn more about the character and his situation, I'm not reassured that this is a steampunk world at all. Nobody explains the 'steam power' stuff, and nobody even implies their ship is 'steam powered'.

The exposition isn't too bad in the beginning, as it all relates to the later story. It wasn't boring.


Best Elements

Oddly, I am going with the beginning of this. I'm not a fan of expositional backstory giving, but this was actually interesting and seemed to be leading into something intriguing.


Suggestions

I have big issues with the ending. The opening is measured, taking a continuous, steady pace. Then the exposition is done, and we're launched into a very brief story. The writing wasn't bad, but you seemed as though you were moving way too fast and getting through everything too quickly. I had no time to catch my breath and figure out what was happening, which leaves me with a facepalm reaction instead of an awe-inspired one.

My other issue is with the characters. You've got a serious handicap because you start right off mentioning the main character is good-looking, seemingly an ace pilot, and immediately hates the antagonist (who hates him) without any obvious reason. Plus, he's married to the daughter, who is also beautiful, curvy, and hates the antagonist with mildly more reason than her husband.

I was sighing when the antagonist showed up at her door-opening experience. It sounded like forced conflict because I didn't see any signs of the setup for it.


Overall

I'd step back and see how you can slow down the ending. That would help build tension. It might also help to build upon this hatred between father-in-law and the main characters, because I don't know where/why/how it started.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is a good scene, full of emotion and characterization for the main character - an automaton or robot - who is feeling alone and disliked because he's different. His maker is dead, and he's stuck working a job he is unappreciated in, and people bully him constantly because he's different - and apparently unable (or unwilling) to defend himself.


Best Elements

There is a good deal of emotion in this scene, focused solely on the thought process of this 'not human' fellow. He just wants to be accepted by somebody who doesn't care what he is. I can feel that much from him, and it doesn't sound overbearing in any way.


Suggestions

The biggest problem with this is that it's chapter one. Not because it doesn't work as a chapter, but I'm not feeling any plot progression going on here at all. Other than the fact that he's an automaton and he's seeking acceptance somewhere, I don't feel like anything big could happen. So although this scene is good, I don't know if it works as a first chapter.

I'm just going to nitpick on the first two paragraphs here.

Hazel eyes, softly human, scanned the night sky for stars through wisps of smoke and ash.

This line does not seem to add anything to the scene you're trying to paint, it just pulls me out of the flow.

Lids clicked mechanically, clearing the view as he continued to search from the rooftop.

It's obvious something unusual is up with this character just because his lids 'click'. I don't need 'mechanically' to let me know that.

The gas lamps hissed below spreading their amber light on the empty paths and streets.

I'm far from a comma expert, but I think you need one here.

Overall

Interesting mood setting, but as I said above, it doesn't do a very good job as a first chapter. Perhaps opening with the professor's death or something - echoing his dreams of Tommy's 'better purpose' - would open before this better. Either way, this is nice. It just doesn't start strongly enough.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

At first I thought this would be about a dog crime-investigator of sorts. It kind of sounded that way as the story built up momentum.

Then things took a darker turn and Muggsy turned into some kind of criminal. Now his stash of money made sense (although I wish it had been mentioned sooner), and his questioning of his own sanity is somewhat clearer. I'm not sure what to make of him now, except that he's a clever criminal for a dog.


Best Elements

Turning the 'animal' hero thing on its head. This dog isn't strictly the hero, but he's not an animal I'd like to cross. He has his own ways to get justice for those people he does care about.


Suggestions

This needs more clarification. I got decidedly confused when I got to the news part, and only figured out what exactly was going on when I got halfway through the reports.

You need to cut back on those '-ly' words. Cut them all out, if you can (unless they're 100% necessary to the story, which isn't likely). The reason? They tend to weigh down your sentence, and they don't add to the story.

Not particularly big, not particularly strong, not particularly mean or vicious.

You can think of more appropriate words to take the place of these if you must.

He trotted off (invisibly) toward the other end of the rail yard to the small dingy office trailer used as “break room” by the casuals.

This is a huge, rambling sentence. I'd think of ways to cut this down to size.


Overall

Interesting twist. I did not see this kind of thing happening. Although I was curious where the dog had gotten the money, and what he would do about the abuse being dealt to his friends, this wasn't how I expected it to turn out. If you work on trimming the sentences down to size and clearing the confusion, this is a pretty good story.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Not bad, for the most part. The kid gets distracted, wanders away from his father, and finds himself in a suddenly sticky situation. When he runs, he only makes matters worse for himself. Luckily, something comes to his rescue until his father can retrieve him.

Best Elements

The middle, when the boy was panicked and running. The story seems to flow best here, easing into the swift terror the boy is feeling throughout. I got into the story best when he'd left the presence of his father.


Suggestions

The opening two sentences were probably my least favourite part of this whole story. They're so blunt. I know you have to set the mood fast in flash fiction, but this wasn't grabbing me at all. I'm not sure how you can do it better, but I'd suggest thinking about it.

Secondly, wild animals - at least where I live - aren't that likely to attack you when you're wandering alone through the forest. I get that this is just fiction, so it doesn't strictly matter, but it's worth keeping in mind.

'The beast' is used far too often while it's present. I was beginning to get tired of seeing this tag appearing over and over again.

The boy wanted to thank the beast, but when he turned around, the beast had left.

It* could replace the second 'the beast'. Also, 'left'? That's a really dry word. Maybe 'disappeared' would give it some more 'oomph'.


Overall

Interesting flash fiction. More exciting than I expected, and kind of sweet in a way. I wonder if the father was calling for the son. The boy was really vocal about it. He must have either wandered really far out or slipped into some altered version of reality.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

I feel like there is some deep meaning and hidden beauty hidden in this piece. Somehow I also get the impression it isn't really sinking in. For me, at least. I do not quite understand the meaning behind it, and no matter how I read it, it still doesn't really get through to me. Other than the fact that the main character is no longer alive, and the story goes on in the same queer fashion with someone else as the lead. Only without us following him.


Best Elements

The description at the very end was the best one in this whole piece. Everything leading up to it feels rather surreal and disembodied - and so does it - but the last one has something deeper, I guess. Don't really know how to describe it, only that I thought it was best.


Suggestions

You may or may not have heard this before, but you should really consider using paragraphs to separate your story. It is very difficult to read, especially for someone like myself who has mild dyslexia. I lost my place in this several times and had a very hard time finding my place again. This got more challenging near the end. To give you an idea, I have a hard time counting a stack of five plus quarters if they are piled on top of one another. Finding my place here was a nightmare if I lost it.

In addition to this, I couldn't help noticing nearly every sentence started with 'She'. You also used quite a few unnecessary words (most of which end in '-ly). I'd suggest cutting all of those if you can. This will help with the reading.

As I said earlier, the description has a somewhat dreamy and unrealistic feel. This might be what you were going for, but it also might not. You might do well to think hard about how you can ground it more in reality.

Also, at the end... if she is gone, shouldn't the question be 'who was she?'.

Dazed and confused the bus driver exists the bus looking around,

Should be 'exits'.


Overall

The deeper meaning of this piece eludes me. I'm not a fan of stories that make me feel like I'm missing something, although the basic story isn't bad. I might not have enough information to understand what's going on, or perhaps the constant fear of losing my place made it difficult for me to get into.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.