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1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,287 Total Reviews Given
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IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Small Moments  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: An interesting, if morbid, concept going on here. It took me a few paragraphs in to really get a handle on what exactly was going on, though.

Everyone - as it says in the description - has a time counting down, showing how long they have before they 'expire', and the main character is a councilor with a long life still left ahead of him. He's not entirely satisfied with his position, but the 'lucky' one isn't either. She's bothered because she can't love, and she knows she's going to die in two years.

So the main character brings her to the extremely short-lived children... and changes her entire perspective on everything.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: Honestly, the dialogue and the ending were probably the best parts. There is something quiet and thoughtful about the overall piece in general, and it's somehow a mix of sad and happy right there at the end. Unusual, certainly, but also interesting and thought-provoking.


*Moon* Suggestions: Honestly, I think you need to work on clarity in those first paragraphs. I understand them now that I've read to the end - albeit they are a touch confusing - but I shouldn't need to have read all the way through to understand the beginning. That ends up being a bit of a turn off to readers.

Besides that I think the dialogue needs its punctuation smoothed out more, but beyond those details I think you have a lovely little story.

"Being a part of a symphony is about unison, cohesion." I said.

Should be a comma.

"You wouldn't understand." Liz whined.

Same here.

Pretty much the rule is, if the character is 'saying' it in some fashion, you need a comma. If they're only 'moving' and forego 'saying', you end the dialogue with a period.

"What is this?" She asked me.

Now this should not have a capital letter. She's still 'saying', so it doesn't need to be.


*Shield1* Overall: Enjoyed it more than I expected, even though the ending is somewhat sad (in an oddly happy sort of way?). Liz has her answer, I think, and maybe she'll feel better about her life now. I'm not sure about the main character. Seems to me that he already knew all he needed to.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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52
52
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: I actually kind of like the layout of this story. It's quick. It's at least engaging, and the characters all voice an objection to the same thing - then argue as to why they're not suited for opening the door.

The theme is consistent and the dialogue flows well with itself, so that's all good.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: These are kids, and they sound like kids. That's always a good thing, because there's nothing worse than reading overly-mature kids that actually sound like adults. It's even more amusing to have the fifteen-year-old claim she's an adult.


*Moon* Suggestions: What gets me is that all the names are randomly thrown out there, then I managed to get lost between them. The dialogue flows well, but the tags claiming ownership to the comments did not. I lost track of who was talking, and by the end I had no idea how they'd come to the conclusion of who to send to the door.

It might help to change out some of the 'said someone-or-another' for an action instead. Like someone pointing an accusing finger at someone else, or giving a haughty toss of their head. That might help give the kids more personality, and it would keep the scene engaging.

I feel, also, that this was supposed to be Sci-fi somehow, but I have no idea how that relates to the story except through the description. I feel like I missed something, since Halloween is supposed to have strange things happening anyway, and a floating bowl of candy doesn't sound sci-fi so much as it does supernatural. I'm also a bit baffled as to how the title relates to anything... so as the reader I'm just not sure if I missed something somehow, or it just isn't explained.


*Shield1* Overall: I like the kids who are talking, at least. I think the mood and general flow is good, but there are a lot of things that - in my opinion - are still up in the air that confuse me. Although I can be slow-witted sometimes, I'm not entirely fond of a story that makes me FEEL like I should know what's going on when I don't.

That being said, I still enjoyed reading it and trying to get to know these characters.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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53
53
Review of The Offer  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: This story feels like it was meant to introduce someone to me, make me sympathize with them, then get rid of them in a tragic way and show that out of twenty people, not one had the sense - or is it sense? - to accept this man's offer over death.

Well, that was my first impression anyway. I'm not actually sure what the real point of it was - I mean other than getting rid of the main character - because nothing seemed to get accomplished by the time I reached the end. Stories do need a beginning, middle, and end. I feel like you've got the beginning okay, the middle is kind of sketchy, but the end didn't really tie anything up.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: I actually kind of liked the initial introduction of Remy. I imagined him with purpose with a strong stride. I got a pretty good picture of him in my head just from that opening paragraph. It kind of conflicted in my head with the backstory, but my first impressions there were pretty good.


*Moon* Suggestions: In my opinion you need to figure out more of the plot you want here. Introducing me to the character in such detail probably wasn't necessary. His life wasn't what he wanted. A wreck, in other words, and he was hitting another dead-end. Focus on that and find the most important details of the thing, don't focus on every tiny detail of what led him to it or your readers will get bored. It might also help to break up some of those massive paragraphs and long sentences. That will make it read somewhat faster.

Probably the biggest issue here is that the death of this main character seems pointless, and the antagonist - who offered him (and twenty other people!) money - didn't even state his reasons for doing so. You led me to believe I would at least discover that, but I didn't. I'm still completely in the dark and wondering what I just read. I end up feeling cheated.

Things that you can focus on clearing up - in my opinion the most important things - are these...

How did Starcose know about the main character and his situation?

Why has he killed all those people and why is he storing them instead of just dumping them somewhere more... oh, I don't know... sanitary and harder to trace?

What is Starcose's job? I mean, if he was planning to kill Remy anyway, why wouldn't he tell him what it entailed at least... vaguely?

And why exactly wouldn't Remy accept? Give him some more motivation, because in this situation it's either death or a possibly amazing job... and try to picture yourself in that situation. Wouldn't you accept, lunatic or not? Because as long as he's in that room he hasn't got a chance. He's in Starcose's element. But if he waited, he might have had a better chance at escaping.

I'd suggest cutting back on the words ending in '-ly' to remove several extra words.


*Shield1* Overall: Could use some polishing. I sense that there's an interesting concept in here, but I'm not seeing it because there's not enough closure in this piece. A good piece of advice is to not add too much plot to a story. I know that sounds strange, but if you've got several loose ends all over the place it's going to be very difficult for anyone to figure out what is going on. Take what's important and deepen that. Don't add around it, get to your point.

All that being said, I think you can make this work and keep interest. Just remember it's not fair to keep things back from the reader without good reason.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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54
54
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: An adorable little story about a girl who wants a bird, but gets something much better. That's pretty much the whole story behind this. The whole thing starts with her looking into the pet store - that they can't currently go inside - and her claiming she knows what she wants for Christmas (which they do not keep).

But all hope isn't lost. If she stays on her best behaviour she might get what she wants on New Years' instead.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: It's really short, but the story follows its plot all the way through to the end without any added twists. She gets frustrated, but she doesn't stop hoping until she gets her reward at last. It's got a nice, steady theme.


*Moon* Suggestions: Mostly it's okay, but I noticed one or two things that could use some tweaking for smoother reading. Story-wise it's okay though.

"I want a pet bird for my very own." She said, half tugging her resisting mom to the doorway of the store.

I'd just omit the 'she said' and go straight to the action. Also, since her mother resisted, I don't think they ever made it to the door.

EXAMPLE: "I want a pet bird for my very own." She tugged her resisting mom toward the doorway of the store.

Obviously caught, Tammy quickly obeyed orders and got ready for dinner and bed.

I'd suggest rewording this to avoid using 'obviously'. If it's that obvious you shouldn't need to say so.

The next morning, Tammy rushed down to the kitchen table, where a slip of paper, reading "those who give their patience, receive wings."

The slip of paper, reading... did what? Sat there? The sentence kind of ends before it had real closure.

Running back upstairs to her room, Tammy gasped when she saw her bed. "It's....it's a dragon!" Her jaw dropped when she saw the wings spread out.

I wish there had been more description of this dragon. Other than the wings - which aren't described at all - I don't feel like I have the faintest clue what it looks like. Why not describe the dragon before she clarifies what it is?


*Shield1* Overall: Cute little concept overall, and a charming story. I'm glad the little girl got her wings, even if they weren't the feathery sort like she expected. I wonder if it's more difficult to take care of a dragon than a bird? Either way, she's going to find out.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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55
55
Review of Untitled  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

Hello, I'm Tam and I'm responding to your review request. Thank you for asking me, and I hope I can be helpful to you.

*Wolf* First Impressions: This appears to be the start of a story with an enslaved dragon and her wizard master. Most things are quite detailed, such as the contract she's bound to, and the fact that she's cold-blooded and struggles with the cold.

I have the impression you've put a great deal of thought into the specifics, but I'm not getting that same feeling about the actual plot. I'll get into this later.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: The concept of a dragon being bound to the wizard is interesting. This is the story's best point, as is the building you are doing on the story and backstory. This character does have a history, even if she's not divulging it right now.


*Moon* Suggestions: When I started to read this, my first thought dragged to this beginning. You started this with the dragon waking up, which is great, but it's a 'waking up' beginning, which is a cliche you might want to avoid. I know she's hibernating, but it's going to be a tough sell to get this opening past anybody in the future - if you polish this story enough to do that with.

You also use a great deal of telling, and have huge paragraphs of information describing what is going on. Yet I don't really have a great idea what is going on. Why does he want to enslave a dragon to him? What's the point, and why should I care? This is the most important thing a first chapter does, and I'm finding myself in the dark on this.

For the telling? You didn't do so badly on the 'was', 'were', 'be' and 'had' pitfalls, but you used tons of words ending in '-ly'. You don't need to.

You also mention having trouble making characters sound different than one another. That's a tricky subject, and yes your characters sound similar. But people have different speech patterns. She's older, obviously, so you could have her use bigger words and more complicated expressions to get her point across. He's younger, and he sounds energetic. Curious, even. You could have him speak shorter, more to the point.

That's only an example of what you can do, since there's no point in me telling you to fix something without giving you an idea where to start.

I'll give you two example paragraphs to help you with the 'telling' and 'showing' and dialogue, but I'm not going to do the whole chapter. That would take way too much time for both of us, and probably won't be necessary once you've gotten the basic idea anyway. However if you need more help, don't be afraid to ask.

I lay still, consciously recognizing the cold on my skin, the hard stone beneath my body, and hearing every minute sound. The shrill noise continued, but beneath it I could feel a presence inside my space, the movement of the body disrupting the air in an almost palpable manner.

There are words here you don't need. This sentence is far longer than it should be with all that it's telling me. I also think it's a better place to start than the waking up, by the way. It has more impact.

By the way, wasn't she in dragon form at this point? Perhaps this should say 'scales' instead.

EXAMPLE: My muscles tightened as I registered the brush of cold against my scales and the hard stone beneath my belly. One ear twitched at every tiny sound, catching each creak and groan of the wind against the (house?) in incredible volume.

The shrill noise that woke me continued, overshadowed by an unfamiliar presence creeping through my space and disrupting the air like ripples on water.

This uses more words, but it shows you where she is and what is going on around her. Also, it skips that waking up she does in the beginning.

When the man had completed the ritual, he said, “You have to do what I say now, right?”

I wanted very badly to dash his hopes, but I am honest, having no reason to lie. “Yes,” I growled.

“And you can ‘t lie?”

“No.”

“Good. Go get dressed.”

I stalked over to a pile of clothes, pulling out a pair of worn jeans and a tank top, and topping it with a pullover sweater. Pulling on my socks, I muttered, “Should have eaten you as soon as I knew you were here.”

“What was that?”

“I said, I should have eaten you as soon as I knew you were here,” I replied.

He's doing okay with dialogue, but she kind of wavers between formal and not formal, which is confusing. I suggest staying with one.

EXAMPLE: "You have to do what I say now, right?"

I wanted to shred his hopes to ribbons, but I had no reason to lie. "Yes."

"And you can't lie?"

"I cannot."

"Good. Go get dressed."

I stalked over to the nearest pile of clothes and pulled on a pair of worn jeans, a tank top, and a pullover sweater. While I donned my socks, I muttered, "I should have eaten you as soon as I sensed your accursed presence."

"What was that?"

I repeated myself for his benefit (etc).

Less wordy, and gets to its point easier. That and, you've given her a different speech style.

I will point out, however, that I'm not rewriting this for you. I'm giving you an idea how to edit it yourself. I'm confident you can do it justice if you give it the chance.

Also, try to stay with either present or past tense. Don't mix them no matter how tempting.


*Shield1* Overall: Pretty much I'd suggest you make it clearer where the plot is in all of this and focus mostly on that. First chapters are supposed to grab the interest of your readers and hold them there. This has some interesting concepts that sound amazing, but the concept isn't as important as what the concept is being used for. The plot - or at least the first stop to get to the plot - must be clear from the beginning. This is the inciting incident.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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56
56
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: Honestly I'm not entirely sure what is going on, but I know this part of a larger works so I'm not going to dock you any points for it. The conversation seems to be about something that has happened before. Something both are uncomfortable discussing face-on. I like how their friendship comes through in their dialogue, and how much more uncomfortable she is than him.

It's funny how she tries to act like she's so sure of herself, yet I can tell she isn't.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: The mood between these characters and the familiarity that's hinted at. I think it's too small a piece to really get the feel for what's really going on, but it was entertaining in a way. I'd be curious to find out more about these two and what they're talking about.


*Moon* Suggestions: It's hard to say exactly what should be worked on here because it's a vignette - I assume? - and therefore I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle they're indicating in this brief scene. There were a few nit-picky things I can indicate here, but nothing plot related. I don't know enough to make any real suggestions on that front.

Your characters spend a lot of time interrupting each other. It's enough that I was wondering why they kept doing it other than stopping the reader from getting an idea of what happened off-camera.

"We have the slight problem that you haven't been angry in months—even years."

I feel like this is never adequately explained in here. Her answer doesn't even really seem like one with any relation to what he says, either.

Sigrun watched him breathe for a moment, then looked down.

Why is she watching him breathe? Why not study his face or something more useful?


*Shield1* Overall: Interesting concept going on, but there's not a whole lot for me to comment on. It's obvious that it's part of something bigger than what I'm seeing here, and I'm not entirely sure of all the details. Mostly I ended up just confused and like I'd missed out on something big that happened before. Something that would explain their conversation's purpose. I'm sure it fits well in the story it's from, though.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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57
57
Review of Snowflake  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: It is a sad story, I'll grant you that much. These two characters have a relationship that couldn't - or at least shouldn't - go anywhere, and the older of the two is turning it down before it gets any more out of hand.

Betrayed and hurt, the girl runs off to go her own way (home, I guess, though it isn't specified) and is hit by a vehicle instead. So she makes her request one last time to him before she dies.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: You've got your mood set rather well here. It's sad, and yet nobody could blame him for making the choice he did. Their match couldn't work - as far as he was concerned - and he needed to nip it in the bud even if he didn't want to.


*Moon* Suggestions: Your pacing rushes through a bit fast. It's hard for me to get completely into the scene because it flashes by so fast. I feel like you had your conclusion in mind before you finished writing it and raced to get to it. Although it's still not that bad, it feels like it was rushed and that detracts from itself.

My advice is to slow down and get a real, deep feeling of what is going on when she is hit by that car. Did her death make any noise? I have no idea what exactly happened, and I'd like it to be brought out more. It'll even give you more of a chance to get in Jack's head when he realizes what is going on.

You tend to use a lot of words ending in '-ly', and even 'was' and 'were' words. I suggest you cut back on these to strengthen your writing. Most '-ly' endings can be done without.

One thing that really got me was her threat to leave him 'out in the numbing cold by himself'. That's a weird threat, and I'm not sure that it's that threatening. I mean, unless he lives a good distance from where he's at and she's the only one with a car (which is weird...?), but even then he could just hail a taxi or a bus. Even if they were out in the middle of nowhere, you'd still need to explain why he went with her if he knew they had to break it off.

“We…can’t,” he said slowly, struggling to resist the urge of kissing her back.

Maybe instead of this, you can eliminate that dialogue tag entirely.

EXAMPLE: "We... can't." He struggled to resist the urge to kiss her back.

He sighed heavily, fighting back the tears welling into his eyes.

You don't need this word. Though there is nice room for some description here.

EXAMPLE: He sighed, his breath clouding in front of him as he fought back the tears welling in his eyes.

There was the sound of crunching; footsteps in the deep snow.

There was the feeling of remorse; a pair of eyes burning through him.

This reads as 'telly' to me. Actually kind of sounds like it belongs in a poem somewhere.

He approached the road, a white light disappearing into the murkiness of night.

This sentence sounds fragmented. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly made to look at the white light or how it's important.

She looked at him pitifully; her mouth trickled of fresh blood.

You could change that 'pitifully' and liken her expression to something pitiful instead.

She smiled softly, and placed her other hand onto his face.

This is another unnecessary word.


*Shield1* Overall: Could use some additions to it and polishing. The story is definitely there, though, which is a good start. I think it's actually good that you ended it before the reader finds out whether or not he did kiss her. It gives a nice ending to an already sad story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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58
58
Review of Over and Down  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: You set up your plot quickly and effectively, but lost some of the emotional impact and 'nail biter' suspense you were going for in the process. I didn't get as deep into the story as I felt I could have, and didn't feel as attached to the main character as I'd like.

However the story has definite plot. Her husband set her up to die, then wound up the one in trouble when she escapes his diabolical plot for money when she comes back to take revenge.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: Your plot is your highlight, but I'd suggest coming back and having a look at your characters - especially Dee - and looking further into her motivation.


*Moon* Suggestions: As stated above, I am really surprised that Dee had absolutely no misgivings, doubts, or anything when she went back to kill her husband and his friend. I'd have liked to see a more human side to her, even after her whole ordeal. It would make her more likable, and easier to understand. As of now she just sounds vicious and a bit heartless. It's not because I blame her, but if someone tried to kill me, this is definitely not how I would have reacted. That's all I'm saying.

Another problem is the pacing. This story zips by so fast I didn't get a great idea of what was going on. The opening is pretty well paced (though it is far too strong on telling, which is something I'll address later), but after that it speeds up until I have a hard time figuring out what is going on. Slow down a touch to smell the roses, if you know what I mean. Establish this heroine's real feelings in more detail.

I'm only going to address the opening sentence because I - unfortunately - am too cramped on time to comb through the whole thing. I hope this gives you a good enough idea what I mean when I say 'telling' and 'showing' all the same.

I woke up a bit dizzy, aroused by the sound of a thunderous muffler. I lay shaking and trapped, unable to move, my arms pinned to my sides as I coughed in thick darkness. I felt a sensation of wetness on the left side of my head and an awful aching, so I assumed I might be bleeding. My finger tips were scratching against what felt like a carpet. Terrified, I continued to try and squirm my way out of the fibrous tomb.

My first point here is the waking up opening. You don't need to use it here. I'd suggest you skip it and hop right to the sound of the muffler roaring in her ears, then her inability to move. I also suggest cutting back on 'was', 'were', and anything 'to be', along with those '-ly' endings. That's a good way to avoid 'telling'.

EXAMPLE: The roar of a muffler rattled my head and my eyes bolted open to suffocating darkness. I squirmed and gasped in muted panic when I realized something pinned my arms to my sides. Something warm and wet oozed on the left side of my head, and a dull ache spread through my body with every throb of my heart.

I twitched my fingertips, and they scratched against something I identified as carpet. True fear engulfed me and I coughed, fighting my stifling prison with every ounce of strength left in my shaking body.

It's still wordy, but this eliminates more of the telling and gets your main character moving.

I'm NOT here to write your opening, however. This is only to give you an idea. I suggest you go ahead and play around with it some, see if you can come up with something really scary if you want.


*Shield1* Overall: A good idea, but kind of thin on action and drama, and even characterization. You need to think about how your heroine is feeling when she executes (literally) her revenge against these two men. Bring out that devastation when she realizes her husband just tried to kill her. I think you can make this really frightening if you give it some polishing.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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59
59
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Wolf* First Impressions: Heavy is the first word that came to my mind when I started to read this. I can tell there's a story here you've thought through with some extent, but it sounds like every detail is trying to crowd the paper. I think the main reason for this is the telling, and great chunks of description giving the reader the exact details of what is going on.

However the characters are distinct in their own way. The main character is slipping on his grades for some reason, and he's got to do better even if he keeps sleeping in class. Tarah is a geek, and someone needs to rein her in some.

In the end, Andy is offered some help by his aunt with a peppermint and an ash tray.

Problem is I'm not exactly sure where this plot is going. Andy has to make a new decision, but the conflict isn't obvious until after the halfway point of this first chapter. You want the hook to be strong right in the beginning.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: Technicolour hair is always an interesting trait. Nobody here seems perturbed by it. Although I thought Tarah's introduction gave her a good setting for the type of person she is, too. Andy I'm not so sure of right now. Lethargic, perhaps, because he's falling asleep in class. But it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose, which means either the teacher is really boring or he's really tired for some unknown reason. That unknown reason is part of what held my interest.


*Moon* Suggestions: You need to show more than you're telling. There are a lot of bald statements here, jabbing the reader in the right direction without showing them why they should be there. Most of the descriptions are also passive, which makes reading them somewhat dry and uninteresting.

I'm also dubious about introducing the story with a description of a school. Unless lightning is zapping the flagpoles, that isn't likely to hold a reader's interest for long.

I suggest starting small. Cut as many 'was', 'were', 'had', and words ending in '-ly' as you can. Find Andy's conflict as early in the beginning as you can, and try bringing that into focus so the reader is more invested. For a short time, I had no idea who the main character was.

On the plus side, all your characters sound consistent so far, except the teacher. I was under the impression he was a somewhat mean, boring teacher. Yet when he left, he showed some compassion to both Tarah and Andy, which made me wonder if I'd started viewing him wrong. It's a confusing position to be in.

The teacher slowly scanned over the room with an eagle's perception, able to pick out any student eager to contribute.

Picking out unnecessary words would also help tighten your writing, as in the example sentence above. I'd still rephrase the latter half of the sentence.

A few students let out some light titters, whether it was because of Andy's humiliation or the teacher's comment, it didn't matter.

'A few' and 'a little' are a word combination you want to avoid if possible. They're weak in combination. So are words like 'very'. They can be removed without damaging the sentence, so it would be worthwhile to do so.

Andy breathed heavily into the air, letting his eyes close for the moment.

You don't want to be stating the obvious here. Where else would Andy breathe? Not underwater.

EXAMPLE: Andy's breath escaped him in a rush and his eyes drifted closed to quell the rush of frustration.

Her large, horn-rimmed glasses were nearly falling off her nose as she filled her page with notes, and they did almost fall off as she bolted up in her chair, raising her hand in an excited sort of way.

This is leaning into the realm of telling, which is something you don't want much of in your story.

EXAMPLE: Large, horn-rimmed glasses slid to the end of her nose as she scratched notes across her page. All at once, she bolted up in her chair, glasses taking a dip toward the tip of her nose as she jabbed her arm into the air.

Don't tell me she did something 'excitedly'. Show me her excited action.

A male student practically rocketed from his seat.

He either did or he did not. Your narrator doesn't need to be uncertain.

"Sorry, guys," Andy said, shining an apple on the front of his shirt.

I suggest closing the dialogue and just giving Andy that apple to shine.

EXAMPLE: "Sorry, guys." Andy shone an apple on the front of his shirt.

Tarah nodded briefly, paying his antics no heed.

You don't need that word.

"Professor Clark thought you needed extra help on this assignment," she said enthusiastically, speaking like a chipmunk in a position of authority.

Rephrasing the tag might help.

EXAMPLE: "Professor Clark thought you needed extra help on this assignment." She spoke like a chipmunk in a position of authority.

"I've had better days, Aunt Mary," he said honestly.

We know he's being honest.

I hope that gives you the basic idea of what I mean. Try not to state the obvious, and remove extra words. It's not as easy as it sounds, but your work will read much smoother for it.


*Shield1* Overall: This story sounds like it could have more going for it, though it isn't bad even for the state it's in. I liked the weird hair colours, and the conundrum Andy finds himself in. I just feel like it needs more conflict. Sure, he just got paired with the geekiest girl in all the school, but why is he struggling so much in the first place? I want to have a good reason to root for these characters.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

Hello! This review is in response to your request. I'm Tam, and I'll try to give you some helpful feedback.

*Wolf* First Impressions: I feel like you have a good concept going here, and a solid history for your story. However I couldn't help but feel like you were trying to inject too much backstory in here at once, and without proper staging for it. The way you have it introduced here is coming across as info-dumping.

Your main character isn't perfect, however, so you're dodging one stereotype. She's a dwarf princess who is the twin of the much-loved prince. She cannot say the same of herself. She's obnoxious (the way it's said, though I have no other proof of this) and she asks too many questions at all the wrong moments.


*Shield2* My Favorite Elements: You have a world and a history, and legend. These things are all intriguing in fantasy, and I'd definitely advise you to keep a hold of each of these elements. If you haven't written them down anywhere else, you should consider doing so.


*Moon* Suggestions: Prologues are not often kindly received by agents for many various reasons. They don't usually add anything to the story, and serve as a place to info dump. Now I'm going to ask you what this prologue is doing for the story you're trying to tell? All I see in it is the vague introduction to the main character, history, and a concept coming to fruition only when the main character is fifteen. That doesn't leave me with a whole lot.

Since I'm not yet sure what story you're planning to tell - which isn't strictly a good thing since I just read the prologue - I can't say for sure that this is entirely unnecessary. I just don't feel like I gained a great deal from it.

Putting that aside for the time being, I notice you do a lot of telling. This is common among newer writers, and I'll give you a couple of pointers to help you improve on this.

The word 'was' (which you have used liberally in here) is not your friend. You want to show the reader what is going on, not tell them 'he was a nice guy' or 'they were good people'. That doesn't show the reader anything.

SHOW through action how these people are 'nice' and 'good'. Describe that 'beautiful' queen, and show Theodor's chipper attitude so the reader can learn to like him without being told to.

It's also a good idea to cull as many '-ly' words as you can.

I'll give you a few examples, and if you have any questions you can always ask specifically later.

Although she was no longer young, my mother, Dana Goldenharp. was still uncommonly beautiful.

How is she beautiful?

EXAMPLE: Although her youth already abandoned her, my mother's long brown hair still flowed to her waist and tickled her shoulders in thick waves. Her midnight gown hugged her curves and brought out her elegant figure in ways that made jealousy burn in my gut.

'Our skin... It doesn't burn in the fire like humans.' He said, reluctantly.

You want your dialogue to remain open when your character is speaking, so put a comma on the end of it whenever 'said' or 'asked' is present.

Also, lose the '-ly' description here. It isn't helping.

I'll give you an example here so you know what I'm talking about.

EXAMPLE: 'Our skin doesn't burn in the fire like the humans," he said.

But with an action, you may close the sentence.

EXAMPLE: 'Our skin doesn't burn in the fire like the humans." He waved one arm in a helpless gesture.

I felt no pain, just a caressing sensation.

What is a 'caressing' sensation? What does that feel like?

They laughed at the joke as Theodor inevitably asked another question I don't remember and my father explained in the patient, loving way he always had done for us.

At this point I feel like I'm firmly kept out of what is going on in the prologue. This sentence is telling me what is happening, and it should be showing it instead.

EXAMPLE: They laughed at the joke, and Theodor jumped back into the conversation with another question. I don't remember what he said, though I recall my father rumbling an answer beneath his whiskers.

You don't need to tell me he 'always' does something. Show me him doing so.


*Shield1* Overall: There is a story here that could be good if it's given the chance to grow. However I don't know if this prologue is even necessary to that story. As I've said above, I want you to question the merits of it. Most prologues aren't necessary (or they're really a chapter one, which I doubt in this case). You have a good concept, though, so don't let this review discourage you. Everyone and everything starts from zero.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Sisterly Chat  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: It didn't occur to me that the story might be about an angel and a demon sister chatting with one another through the mirror. It is amusing in its own way, because they're complaining how the humans don't seem to need either one of their help. The demon sister is living in hell and is tired of hearing the sinners suffer. The other is exhausted from the constant hymns and harp music.

Neither of them convince the humans to do good or bad. The good humans won't be convinced into doing bad, and the bad ones don't need help to make stupid decisions.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The overall theme is amusing. I liked how they compared their sides of the equation, and how neither one is having a good time of it. I guess they're both looking forward to an early retirement, although I wonder where angels and demons retire to if they can't go to heaven or hell?


*Snow3* Suggestions: There's not much to comment on here, although there were some points that made me hesitate. I'm going to point out one thing that caught my eye for you here, but for the most part it stands as pretty well done.

The water shimmered and the image of her twin sister Asmodea grinned at her from just below the surface.

I think you can do without that word.


*Snow4* Overall: Looks like it isn't better to be in either place (except that at least in heaven Angelica isn't roasting to death). Both agree that some peace would be a great change of pace, and they could run off on retirement together. It sounds like their heaven/hell experiences are perfectly dreadful on either side of the coin.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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62
Review of Use as Directed  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I wouldn't classify this as horror, but it's still something scary to consider when trying to take drug doses. The reason why you shouldn't do anything but use them as directed. I've never overdosed on anything, but this kind of side-effect is scary. I can't blame her for wanting to get rid of her problem earlier, but I wonder how her husband will react when he finds out what she's done.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The set up for this was pretty good after the first two paragraphs. I could see the problem, and the hopeful solution that came to them by pure chance. Of course Jessica is too eager to get rid of her problem, and is stricken by an awful side-effect as a result. She should have followed the instructions and spared herself the pain.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I'm not sure why the first paragraph is so important to this story. It doesn't grab my attention very well, and the story is more focused on Jessica. Her condition is what caught me, not his job. In fact, his job is hardly mentioned after that beginning paragraph.

You also have a habit of leaning on the word 'was'. The word 'was' is a crutch word that is weak and replaces a stronger descriptive word that could help 'show' what you're writing about. Although there are places to use 'was', you want to keep them to as much of a minimum as you can. It's cousin word 'had' is not better.

The same is true for words that end in '-ly'. Cut as many of them as you can and you'll see definite improvement in your writing.


*Snow4* Overall: This story teaches a pretty good lesson. She didn't suffer pain or any obvious side-effects at first, so she thought she would be safe. Then she is struck with something much worse than either one of those things. I guess now she's going to need to find something to remove the side-effects. If that were even possible.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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63
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Ahaha. I'm guessing this guy has stolen a lot in his lifetime then, considering how long he takes to get to his point. He starts out on a simple confessional note, as if this is of incredible importance. At first the priest sounds patient, but as the man goes on the priest becomes more and more impatient to discover what the man has stolen. Especially when he discovers that the theft is directed at him.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The tone of this story is pretty consistent and good. I can tell that the priest is getting exasperated as this conversation goes on, and that he's becoming uneasy about what the man has stolen that he is so reluctant to admit. I wonder how he feels after the guy comes clean. I can picture him sitting very straight, thunderstruck by the revelation.


*Snow3* Suggestions: This is all dialogue, and there isn't that much to comment on as far as suggestions are concerned. It flows pretty well, and their conversation doesn't sound overly stilted. However...

"No, sir, but I believe that you are quite upset."

This just seems like a bit of an odd thing to say, in my opinion.


*Snow4* Overall: Okay, this was an enjoyable read. I'll admit it. I didn't quite know what to expect when I flipped into this (an amusing confession?) but I liked how it went and how the man beat around the bush until he reached his point. I guess he wanted to steal as much of the priest's time as possible to make his statement.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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64
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Sounds like you had a great time, at least. Even if it didn't go exactly to plan at first. Everything smoothed out after the initial snag, and plenty of books were sold on site. I can give you a hearty congratulations for both managing to set this up and the sales you got from it.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Well, a book sale... who doesn't like that if they're an author (wannabe in my case)? I'm sure I never thought of doing something like this, but you were certainly a star in this event, and I'm glad it sounds like you enjoyed it.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Honestly this piece has some confusing points about it that I can't help but stumble on as I'm reading it. The spacing in the beginning is wonky and I had trouble making my way through that. After the initial hurtle there, I noticed there were perhaps some more 'was' words than there ought to have been.

my daughter had to remind me it was not a party,

Since this feels a bit heavy, you could try for something else.

EXAMPLE: my daughter reminded me numerous times that we were not throwing a party,

I mingled amongst my family and friends and I wore a royal blue top with long chiffon sleeves, and black trousers, and everybody remarked how glamorous I looked, and although I say it myself I was confident.

I don't like how this sentence rambles on. It could be broken up, and the mention of your clothes shouldn't sound as if you changed into them on site. It's like an afterthought (oh yeah, and by the way I was wearing this!). You don't really want that.

EXAMPLE: I mingled among my family and friends in my long-sleeved, royal blue top and black trousers. Everybody remarked on how glamorous I looked, and I felt confident enough to say it myself.

For writing, in many cases less is more. You don't need to go into extravagant detail. Get down the important things.


*Snow4* Overall: This sounds like the kind of event it would be lots of fun to go to. Books, snacks, and reading. That is my kind of event, although I'm not a known snacker, honestly. I'm glad you hit with success and had a great time, it looks like it would have been.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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65
Review of Daniel's story  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This reads off like a vignette backstory piece of an important character later in the book. Like this is a defining moment of his life before he becomes... whatever it is he is going to be in the future. I'm guessing this would have a great deal of impact on him in the future, considering how awful it sounds. I wonder what kind of person he would be after witnessing all this.

I can't say that I'm entirely sure why everything happens. You mention this kid spotting the soldier that climbs on the top of the dome they're living in, who then blows something up and runs off while destruction is wrought behind him. I only don't understand why.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Even if this piece turns into a cacophony of terror, dying children (can't get much worse than that) and outright panic, I still get the impression there's an organized society and backstory logged away in here. That's a good thing.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I can't help but notice there's not enough punctuation in here. Your sentences tend to run on for quite a long time, and this makes them sound rambling. For action scenes, you want your sentences to be shorter and more punchy. Even the description shouldn't carry on for too much time, otherwise you end up with a run-on sentence.

My next suggestion would be to cut back on words ending with '-ly' and the dreaded 'was'. The reason why I'm suggesting that is because these kinds of words are weak, and take place of a stronger description. 'Was' is an awful culprit for that, and '-ly' endings tend to add unnecessary information to the story. Bogs it down.

My last point is that the opening doesn't really give me the impression they're in some weird future colony of some kind. I thought they were normal children in a normal time and place. You could try and get some distinction in earlier, though I guess it isn't super important since this is just a vignette of sorts.


*Snow4* Overall: Concept is good, but I had a bit of a hard time following it because of the lengthy sentences. I'm not sure what is going on, but it sounds like it will impact the main character for the rest of his life. Or at least shape what he will do with himself in the future. Might have been cool if you'd gone on to say how he got out of this situation.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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66
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This story is told in four scenes that set up a murder, then a quest for revenge from the murdered victim. I guess somehow they found out - or overheard since they were in the car (how can hands hear?) - that they were the ones that killed him.

Either way, they get their comeuppance in the end. I really wonder why Juliet wanted those hands in the first place if she was just going to dump them out? I mean, I know she needed some kind of confirmation, but I'd think she'd know if she went home or whatever.

Hm. It's an interesting story, anyway.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Undead hands of revenge. Definitely weird enough to catch my attention right away. I don't think the title sunk in for me until I got about halfway through the story. I can get pretty focused, I suppose, but the story did keep me interested all the way through until the undead hands fulfilled their revenge.


*Snow3* Suggestions: There are quite a few 'was' words and words that end in '-ly' scattered through here. Most of these can (and ought to be) removed to strengthen and tighten the writing of the story itself. You could make this more exciting by reversing the order of a few sentences, as well. I'm not going to do a complete line-by-line, but I'll give you a few examples so you can see what I mean. After that it's up to you if you want to change anything or not.

Also, I don't know what Juliet's motivations to kill her husband were. Just a thought, though.

A woman with a scarf over her head and Jacqueline sunglasses over her eyes raised the bottle, took a sip, grimaced,

This is a touch redundant.

Dekon laughed and said,

You use this form a great deal, and it's so common that it starts to feel redundant. I'd suggest shaking things up a bit.

And, more importantly would anyone at the bar recognize her?

I think you can do without that, but if not you can remove the '-ly' and add something like 'than that' after the 'important' word.

He wondered how she would have reacted if he had told her that Dekon had been found with his head turned completely around.

Maybe, after cutting 'completely' you could replace 'around' with 'backwards'. Sounds more dramatic.

She mentally gave herself a slap on the wrist and smiled.

Instead of this, you could try something a bit different.

EXAMPLE: She gave herself a mental slap on the wrist and smiled.


*Snow4* Overall: Creepy story, to say the least. Although the undead hands only seemed to be interested in gaining revenge (or justice, if you prefer), and disappear altogether after the fact. No other deaths are mentioned, so I can assume they either died for real or just never resurfaced again. Their job is done.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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67
67
Review of Promises  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This is a beautiful romance story after the woman has lost her lifelong partner to disease, and she is reflecting upon how they met and married so young but were completely devoted to one another through thick and thin. I kind of enjoy the narrative of this piece, maybe because she's honest that there were rocky times that she couldn't believe they stuck through, and perhaps because it's a more honest kind of romance than most I've seen.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I think your ending line hit home nice, and made that prompt seem more like an afterthought than the main focus of the story. It was inspired by this, but it wasn't ruled by it. The theme is good, too. Fits the story perfectly.


*Snow3* Suggestions: For the most part I think this story is pretty good and doesn't need much in the way of editing. However I'm not so fond of some of the 'was' words that are scattered here and there. Although there are also '-ly' endings, 'was' is quite dominant here. I'd suggest reworking some of the sentences to get rid of them, and while you're at it you can make them 'show' more of what is going on.

I wasn't as sure, as I loved the freedom of being in college and not "tied down".

Perhaps replacing that with 'I couldn't be so sure' or something would help.

As I looked into your eyes, I saw something. A fire and zeal for life that made you even more attractive than you already were.

No, no 'was' here, but I'm just wondering why these sentences couldn't be merged. Take out the 'something' and continue from 'a fire' and it seems to go smoother.

Was our romance already at an end?

I understand the use of 'was' here, but I still think you can get rid of it.

EXAMPLE: Could our romance already be reaching its end?


*Snow4* Overall: I liked the honesty of the narrator in this story. It doesn't sound like a romance story drizzled with sugar like most are, but an honest recount of something that happened. Now she is alone, her soul mate taken from her. But although she's sad, she's also happy to have known him and experienced what she has.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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68
Review of The Patient  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This is better written than the last story I read from your port, but it is written in present tense and that might be part of the reason. The main character of this story has been in some kind of accident and is confined to a hospital in severe pain. He's lost his wife, but at the end of his story we also discover that his son is alive. At the very least, the boy isn't blind.

Once I got the idea of what was going on this piece was pretty easy to follow overall.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I like the imagery of the holiday in Istanbul. The way the kid runs on ahead and the parents linger several paces behind. I can picture that, because I've been on the other end of it as well as watched my littlest brother do the same thing. It's a tragic story with a bittersweet ending.


*Snow3* Suggestions: There's not much to suggest here, so that's a plus. I feel like there could have been a touch more on the description of the accident, but I don't think the father really understands what happened. I see that makes sense, but it doesn't do much to satisfy my curiosity.

How many nurses/doctors/paramedics are in the room with them? I thought there was just one, but they're referred to as 'they', and that kind of confused me.


*Snow4* Overall: Sad little snippet about a father who lost his wife in a weird accident, but somehow managed to keep his son. Maybe those extra paces saved the little man from the explosion (or whatever it was). It's also nice that they're put right next to each other.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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69
Review of Left Behind  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I didn't expect the dog to get back with his masters ever again, but when he does it's the most tragic thing. You have managed to describe a story from the perspective on an animal after his masters fail to come home, and his confusion that they're not coming back for him.

Dogs aren't the sorts to think ill of anyone, so he decides something must have happened and heads off to find them for himself.

Though he's attacked, injured, and delayed, the dog finally does find his family again. Except something terrible has happened to them, and the poor dog doesn't really seem to understand that.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I like the fact that this about a dog instead of a person, and how he views the world. I think you've done a good job of capturing the perspective of this animal. I'm also guessing the annoyed human that tried to chase him away was the policeman inspecting/watching over the scene of the crime. I guess he didn't know they had a dog.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Somehow when I first started reading this I had the weird impression that I was reading about a butler, but I realized that I'd just misread it. *Facepalm* This GoT is making me crazy.

Anyway, I notice you used a lot of '-ly' endings, which is something that ought to be cut back if and whenever possible. You don't need these words, and they're weakening the story instead of strengthening it. I will give you two or three examples to give you an idea what I mean, and if you want you can take it from there. Practice makes perfect.

until it vanished inexplicably, replaced by a light as blinding as the great fire in the sky.

It vanishing, to me, is obvious in that it cannot be explained. You don't need to say it.

Harry involuntarily stepped back, his patchy legs shaking.

This one would be more difficult to remove, but rephrasing will help.

EXAMPLE: Harry took an involuntary step back, his patchy legs shaking.

He lay down and breathed in deeply through his nostrils,

Again, some slight rephrasing will do the trick here.

EXAMPLE: He lay down and drew a deep breath through his nostrils,

Harry's head snapped up and he inhaled deeply,

This is redundant with the other sentence, so...

EXAMPLE: Harry's head snapped up and he sucked in a deeper breath,

He quickly made his way along the road, favouring his left leg which had started to sting.

I'd be careful with this, too. You want to imply that he's running, panting, and in pain, but desperate for his master.

EXAMPLE: He struggled to his feet and forced himself into a painful run, favouring his stinging left leg.


*Snow4* Overall: All in all this is a surprisingly touching story about a dog whose masters disappear on him one day, and his loyal devotion to finding them again. First he is worried, a touch annoyed, then embarks on his quest even if he knows the danger involved in it. The other dog that attacks him is proof of that. When he finds his masters again, though, he is too late to help them.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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70
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Review of End of the world  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: My guess is the chemistry lesson was going very badly for you to write something so very different than chemistry. I've never been to one of those classes, so I don't know.

This story feels like it has a lesson to be learned hidden inside of it, or is, at the very least, acting as a message of doom to anyone who thinks they'll get away without their comeuppance. Even with that, everyone knows people won't learn their lesson. They'll just turn on each other and figure someone else is at fault.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The end of this apocalyptic scene is probably the best part because it feels like the story - scene? - is reaching the point it's been setting itself up to make. Although not painful in dramatics, I think it does a decent job of it.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Somehow this short, under one-thousand word story feels like it's wordy. I know that's a strange thing to say about such a short piece, but it seems to be in relation to the extra words being used to describe things. I'd suggest using your words sparingly, as many pro writers have said that 'less is more'. I have found this to be true, but it's all your choice in the end.

For many days thereafter, endless night blanketed the land, and the once mighty civilisation felt despair settle in their hearts.

I feel like one of these commas isn't needed to clarify this sentence, and I'm talking about the first one.

Then, after those many, many days of torment,

Just one 'many' ought to be enough to get your point across.

accusing others of the crimes they had all committed.

You can probably do without this, too. Or if you wanted you could change the end of the sentence.

EXAMPLE: Accusing others of crimes they were all guilty of.


*Snow4* Overall: Interesting apocalyptic snippet. Because of the brief scene, it felt more like groups of people waiting through a storm than the actual apocalypse, but the point still stands, and the lesson is still there. Of course, nobody likes to stand up and say they were guilty of something. Whether or not they were. Something of this magnitude would be difficult to owe up to.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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71
71
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.

Just happens that you are on my review list, so I'm here to give you two reviews.

*Snow1* First Impressions: At first this sounds more like the end of something than the beginning. The main character is at the end of his rope and is ready to give up and accept punishment. The first part reads pretty smooth, and I got a sense of the character's loss and unfortunate situation. I'm not sure I know him all that well yet, but he's given another chance.

This time I'm guessing he's going to do his best - and then some - to avoid a second failure.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The best part of this is the first scene. Before Antonia arrives. The writing is smoother there and easier to follow. Maybe because you were trying to focus the attention on something that already happened, or perhaps because the feelings of the character were the most important thing at that time.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I'm not sure I entirely understand this character's motivations, although that's not the most important thing at that point. I understand he serves Antonia (I have a vague idea who she is), but I'm not a hundred percent sure I understand why. That aside, some of the grammar is somewhat strange in places.

The sickly taste of despair rose in his throat.

You don't need that '-ly' end.


“It doesn’t matter. They’re gone and I don’t have the strength to continue. Find someone else to fight this battle, I’m done!” he lowered his gaze, unable to meet her eyes.

This dialogue is closed, so 'he' should have a capital 'H' instead. He's not 'speaking'. He is 'acting'. One cannot 'speak' and 'act' all at once, so because he didn't 'say', the dialogue is closed.

“Wait,” the tone of Antonia’s voice gave him pause.

This looks like it should be 'closed' to me.

EXAMPLE: "Wait." The tone of Antonia's voice gave him pause.

“Who is in Oaksville?” the town was close, but the detour would cost precious time.

This is closed already, since he's not talking. Make that 'the' with a capital 'T' instead.

Before he could reply, she was gone.

This read kind of clumsy to me.

EXAMPLE: She disappeared before he could answer.


*Snow4* Overall: This is an interesting start to what I assume will be an interesting story. Right now the plot is about this man finding his family, but I'm not sure of Antonia's purpose. I've got a vague idea on that, and I suspect that's the real point of this whole novel.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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72
72
Review of Theopolis  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Theo is an arrogant character, that's for sure. I'm guessing he's kind of like the anti-hero figure, where nobody is really rooting for him after all and we're all waiting to see what kind of comeuppance he's going to be in for somewhere in the near future.

I'm not entirely sure what Stacy's backstory is supposed to do with this, but perhaps it's there to help justify Theo's point of view.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I think you've done a good job of creating a character with solid beliefs in his unlikable behaviour. It's like he honestly believes he's right about his actions toward everyone, which is part of the reason why I found myself hoping somebody would say something to him that would render him speechless.


*Snow3* Suggestions: There weren't many mistakes, but I noticed the word 'actually' shows up an awful lot. At least three times, maybe four.

A little while ago a soldier came into the coffee shop.

A little* is a weak word combination that you want to try and avoid using. I'm not sure if it's important that he came in 'a little' while ago. 'Some time ago' might feel too far back, but I'd suggest taking out those two words if you can help it.

Stacy, a hot chick I’ve been trying to seduce, actually thanked the dude for his service to our country.

I think in this case you can drop the 'actually' and replace it with 'went so far as to thank(...)'. It still conveys his indignation, and without the weak word.

Neither one of them was smart enough

Pretty sure you can use 'were' here instead.

They must really be some kind of stupid.

Or maybe 'a special kind of stupid' instead?


*Snow4* Overall: This is a character who thinks he knows everything and has never been proven wrong because he has tricked himself with his own deception. Although I think, for that matter, he's a good character in that he never doubts that he's right. I've got no reason to believe he's unsure about his reasoning, and even a short bit of information to help solidify why he's locked in this belief. Either way, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like him, either. A bit abrasive, I think.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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73
73
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: As an avid reader (especially) in the medieval fantasy genre, I couldn't help but stop by to check this out. I'm glad I did because it sounds like you have an amazing setting, at least. The description here says it is an intro to the background and setting, which is all this seems to do. I didn't really expect any information about plot and characters, and I got a smidgen of each anyway. That's all right, it was a nice touch here.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: To me, the concept of the world sounds amazing. This would personally be the kind of state I'd prefer the world to be in for a medieval-type fantasy story. I know nothing about the actual plot, but I know I like the setting.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Honestly I'm not sure there's much to be done in here. This is an intro to both background and current setting, and it does it's job well. There aren't any overused words that snagged my attention on my initial read through, and I don't think I'd find many if I went back with a fine-toothed comb. The only thing that made me wonder - and then for a brief span - was the mention of 'in essence'. At that point I didn't think I needed that kind of back up for the information presented. I was following.


*Snow4* Overall: Sounds like a novel worth reading, if just for the setting. Somehow you've managed to make a medieval fantasy place on Earth without making it urban fantasy. I'm not the biggest fan of urban fantasy, by the way, although I do read it. I'll log this novel away in my mind somewhere and remember to come back and visit someday when I've got time.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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74
74
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: The title made me curious enough to click on this, so here I am, still raiding your port and flipping through stories. This one got lucky.

I kind of like the concept going on here. You've got something that reminds me (albeit vaguely) of the sci-fi shows I used to watch (mostly Star Trek, honestly. I'm not big on T.V.), and the theme of this old man going on a mission is an interesting one.

He sounds like a likeable guy, and it's almost amusing that he plans for his companion to receive his will and testament after he leaves. I guess he had more of this trip planned than I thought. I initially assumed he guessed he couldn't come back, but I realize that isn't the case.

Last minute there's a bit of a turnaround. Not something I would have expected at all.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Overall theme is best, I like it. I'm not a fan of sci-fi, but I think you've done a decent job of making this one. Also, I like the short formed GOAT. Don't ask me why. Maybe because it makes sense, but also turns into a real word. I think that's awesome, honestly.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I found it harder to understand what was going on the deeper I read into the story. I felt as though I couldn't comprehend the rapid, complex information I was being given. It might be best to add more to this to clarify, or slow the rapid-fire pace.

I've assessed the issue of 'was' and '-ly' in my other two reviews, and I hate to sound like I'm repeating my advice. This story has that issue, too.

Several minutes later I was comfortably transported across the remaining miles into Sarnert Grate’s atmosphere,

Rather than using 'was', you can restructure this sentence to stand without it, and show more of what is going on.

EXAMPLE: Several minutes later my craft (or whatever he is in) transported me in comfort across the remaining miles into Sarnert Grate's atmosphere.


I said striding youthfully through the entry way to my getaway cottage.

How does one 'stride youthfully' through anything?


*Snow4* Overall: Interesting premise here. I think the title captures what is going on, but in a such a way that I wouldn't have guessed what would happen just by reading that. He's staged his own 'demise' and now has the freedom to live with his wife forever(?). Happily ever after.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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75
75
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This is the same character that was once born singing, but now seems more into the realm of normal magic-casting. There's also no mention of Goldie, but I guess only a few people can be immortal (or close to immortal). This has a less epic plot, but I'm not trying to say that it's a bad thing. It's just different, is all.

Gillian has had a rough time of her own, and has been banished to the cold because of her questionable behaviour. Marsden doesn't seem angry about this, he stays calm and collected throughout the entire story. He figures out what is going on, and changes the seasons to save Gillian.

What gets me is that I'm not exactly sure what happened.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Although I like how he rescues Gillian, I prefer the earlier part of this story. His conversation with the Queen helps me figure out what kind of a person he's become, and even gives me a closer look at the current monarch. That's why I like it best.


*Snow3* Suggestions: The issues here are similar to the other one, although I get the impression this story is older for some reason? I didn't check any of the dates, so I'm not sure if that's true or not. Either way.

The story got somewhat confusing near the end. I'm not sure what happened, or how he changed the seasons except that he used the orb somehow. I didn't get a very good idea. In the previous one I read, he'd used his song and I could follow that. I'm not sure if he stopped singing, or if he's learned more than one way to use magic in all this time. How he does this just requires some clarification.

Marsden stared deeply into the Orb of Triem and seemed to worship the image of Gillian.

You don't need this word. The sentence is strong enough without it.

She was dressed in a common white tunic with no shoes. Her head was bowed as though completely humbled by her exile.

This could use some 'was' removal, and it wouldn't be that difficult if you wanted to do it.

EXAMPLE: She dressed in a common white tunic with no shoes, and she bowed her head as if humbled by her exile.

She held out her two hands towards the wizard who struggled to stand without letting go of the orb.

When you say 'hands', I expect you mean both of them.

Gillian said kissing delicately the cheeks and chin of her rescuer.

Although I would advise, for dialogue, to use either 'said' or the action. Don't use both, as it looks clunky.

EXAMPLE: "You are my hero, Marsden." Gillian kissed the cheeks and chin of her rescuer.

OR: "You are my hero, Marsden," Gillian said.

But it's up to you.


*Snow4* Overall: I did enjoy the other story more, but this one does have a certain charm to it as well. I'm not a romantic at heart (or anywhere else, really), but I thought Marsden and Gillian's relationship was cute. Although I couldn't help but picture Marsden as an older man than he should look, so you might be interested in indicating his appearance some more in the narration somehow.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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