*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/takingafterme/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: OFF
1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,287 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 -4- 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
76
76
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I found myself enchanted by this story as I read it, and couldn't resist finding out how it ended. I like stories with a musical edge to them. Although this bard is taken to the royal court by the Queen, he gradually comes to realize that he is not happy. His mother won't see him anymore because it only hurts her, and the Queen herself is cold-hearted and doesn't seem to notice his pain.

So when a fairy comes to ask for help with her fawn - Goldie - he is sent with her to ease the creature's dying. But the fairy misinterprets his thoughts as bad, and gives him a slap. But Marsden realizes something because of it, and releases a power he never knew he had. He also lives happily ever after, you might say.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: A bard born singing. I like the description, and I liked the story. It has a fairy-tale feel to it, but not unrealistically. I knew through the story that he'd been born singing, and although I didn't know what he could do I could feel it rising through the entire piece. So it didn't surprise me that he ended up doing something great.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I'm not sure if this story was prompted or not, but I'd advise against using a 'was' in your first sentence. Or anywhere, really. There are rare places where you can use them, but I'm fairly sure you can avoid it there.

On my sixth birthday I was amusing my friends and mother in our front yard when the Queen walked by.

This one could be avoided, too. You might say 'I amused' instead and drop the 'was' all together.

I would occasionally see my neighborhood and mother after that.

Words ending in '-ly' tend to be more 'telling' than 'showing', and they're unneeded most of the time.

Mother in time seemed so depressed that it was hard to make our visits pleasant.

It would take some rephrasing to get rid of that 'was'.

EXAMPLE: Mother, in time, seemed so depressed that I found it hard to make our visits pleasant.

That isn't all I noticed, but I think I've given you the general idea.

“Look!,” a voice cried out.

You shouldn't need that comma there. The exclamation point does its job and doesn't need any help.


*Snow4* Overall: The plot is good, and I don't think that needs any work. I'm glad that, even if he starts out sad, he finds his happiness in the end. I guess his mother did, too, and Gillian the fairy. You might want to stress Goldie's appearance a smidgen more, as I'd almost forgotten she existed.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
77
77
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Not sure if you're still editing this or not, but it can't hurt to leave a review. It took me a while to get into the rhythm of this story, I'll admit. I realized as I read that this story encompasses one woman who is being abused by her husband, and is finally fed up with it.

So she decides its either him, or her, and goes for the gun they keep in the bedroom. After she's shot him, she gathers up her children and runs down to the police station to confess her crime. Or maybe announce it so they can do something about it. Hard to say.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I'm not sure how to feel about what she's done here, but I guess she's desperate for an escape because of his abuse toward her. I'm not even sure how long this is supposed to have been going on, but it sounds like she'd hit the breaking point.


*Snow3* Suggestions: This story is in dire need of some punctuation for clarity. I think that's its biggest need here, though there are other things. I'll start with that subject for simplicity's sake.

Please note that I'm definitely not the authority on commas and stuff. I'll give you a basic idea what I mean, but it's all your choice whether or not you use this.

It is spring the year is not important the place is not either for these kinds of things can happen any where.

This needs commas to clear up what is going on.

EXAMPLE: It is spring, but the year is not important. The place isn't either, for these kinds of things can happen anywhere.

Later that night he is in one of those moods the kind she has come to recognize as stay away or I will hurt you kind of moods and she never really knew what would set him off so for a while she would walk on egg shells.

This is a run-on sentence. It needs to be broken up more.

EXAMPLE: Later that night he is in one of those moods. The kind she's come to recognize as the 'stay away or I will hurt you' kind of moods, and she never knew what would set him off. So she would walk on eggshells.

When it is over she is sitting in the bedroom looking in the mirror at her very well puffy and red face her body roars in pain and tears are slowly streaming down her face.

As the above.

EXAMPLE: When it is over, she is sitting in the bedroom looking in the mirror at her puffy, red face. Her body roars in pain and tears are streaming down her face.

You did what mam? I just shot my husband, the man just about hit the floor and then suddenly motioning his whole arm and hand he says come with me, come with me.

There is dialogue here, but it's not indicated. This could be a style that I'm just not aware of, but I'll point out what can be done for it anyway.

EXAMPLE: "You did what, ma'am?"

"I just shot my husband."

The man started to duck for the floor, but seemed to change his mind and motioned at me with his whole arm.

"Come with me, come with me," he says.

I'm actually not a hundred percent sure what the man was doing, which is why I'm leaving it so vague. Anyway, I hope this gives you the gist of what I mean.


*Snow4* Overall: A tragic story of abuse at first, but a somewhat 'triumphant' victory in the end. Well, it's not really the end. Seems whatever has been going on isn't over until she's done dealing with the police. It's hard to say what they're going to make of it. Self-defense, possibly. I'm not sure how those things are supposed to work.


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
78
78
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Five girls is a lot! I have four brothers, so I guess we're even on that count (although I'm the only sister). Anyway, I understand the hatred of spiders. I'm not scared to death of them like Liz is, but I don't like to touch them and have been known to react rather violently if I discover one on my clothes somewhere. I also don't squish them. I usually get one of my helpful brothers to do that.

Incidentally I also have a brother who - like me - won't touch them if he can help it.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Putting the spider in a box and gift wrapping it. I never would have thought of something like that, but I can imagine the horrible surprise Liz got when her curiosity overcame her. I know you wrote not to open it until Xmas, but she obviously couldn't resist a sealed box. I wonder if I would have been able to, either.


*Snow3* Suggestions: The writing is a bit choppy, to be honest. I wanted to be shown more than I was. I feel like some of the story was clipped because of the rush of getting this down on the page. I'm glad you did, but I'm curious about a few things here. However, I certainly can't point out every little detail. So, I'll settle for a few things that really jumped out at me.

Here, I must stop and tell you that Liz is not just scared of spiders, she is absolutely terrified of them!

This sentence could be strengthened, and made easier to read with a few tweaks.

EXAMPLE: Here I must stop and explain that Liz isn't just scared of spiders. She's terrified of them.

There's no need to say 'absolutely'.

Ann and I decided that it would be fun to catch this gargantuan and so armed with a brush and some cardboard we set about herding it up.

You've got an extra word, and a missing word.

EXAMPLE: Ann and I decided it would be fun to catch the gargantuan spider and armed ourselves with a brush and a piece of cardboard. Together we set about to herding it into a corner.

To pretty it up a bit we found an old, dull length of tinsel left over from the Christmas decks, hanging limply from a post where it still clung, thanks only to a piece of old, browned sellotape.

This comes across as a run-on. Break these sentences up more, and you'll find the reading is easier. I might also recommend avoiding the words 'a bit' and 'a little'. They aren't helpful to the story.

Just to be on the safe side I wrote on the package 'DO NOT OPEN TILL XMAS'

Reads as a bit passive, but swapping the order should help with that.

EXAMPLE: Just to be on the safe side, I wrote 'DO NOT OPEN TILL XMAS' on the side of the package.


*Snow4* Overall: Ah, you ended this on an interesting note that has nothing to do with the story itself. Somehow I'm curious how that went as well, and it also proves that boys aren't the only ones with a sense of mischief. We just don't act on them as often. I'm not sure if you expected her to open the box or not, but I'm sure she regretted it as soon as she did.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
79
79
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I didn't think it was possible to run into a story this amusing this short. It turns out I was wrong. This story starts out on an innocent number as the work day begins again, and there are many new things to keep in mind while taking people through the checkout.

The ladies at the checkout are talking, and after telling them their total, one of them turns and makes a nonchalant comment that completely throws things off balance. I'm sure I might have reacted in a similar fashion, especially since I didn't know about that kind of plant. Would sure have hit me as strange, though.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I love the comedic value of this. It's so short that almost anyone could spare a minute to read it, and it's bound to bring a smile to a person's face when they do. I'm not sure what I would think if a woman passed that kind of comment to me, but I'm sure I would have been staring at her at first and try to sort out what in the world she meant. Haha, all things considered I think the situation was handled well.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Of course there are a lot of 'was' and 'had' words in here, but most of them are necessary and I'm not sure how many you can get away with removing.

where I had worked since August,

This may or may not be able to be removed. It's worth looking at.

There was a moment of silence as both ladies looked at each other and then back at me as they burst out laughing.

This sentence confused me the first time I read it, and although the problem might be with me, I do have a possible suggestion for it.

EXAMPLE: A moment of silence followed as both ladies looked at each other, then back at me and burst out laughing.


*Snow4* Overall: I really liked this. Of course I hate it when things like this happen to me (I'm a perfectionist with a capital P, and still struggle with that), but it makes for a great laugh after all is said and done. I can understand the confusion with that plant's name, and sometimes it makes you wonder if they were called stuff like that on purpose *Laugh*


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
80
80
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: That's interesting. It's always fun to find out what made somebody choos a name, and this is not what I expected when I saw your handle. Every situation ends in something different, I suppose. Personally, my user was after a joke on one of my brothers (I'm going to take after you now), and I merely short-formed it to Tam. Not nearly as impressive as the origins of Sharkdaddy. Makes me think of rows of jagged teeth in a grin, honestly.

Although I have to say, I'm definitely with the person who said you shouldn't go with Bigdaddy. *Bigsmile*


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I think the trampoline training is the best part. I had a few chances to bounce on a trampoline and can see how that practice could pay off in other aspects of your life. Although, it is a really minor detail. I was also snickering at the discussion about a possible new name when 'Shark' alone didn't work out.


*Snow3* Suggestions: You know, it's funny how explanatory the rest of this is, but it kind of drops back a bit when it gets to the actual choice of name. I feel like we had the chain of thought going up until the choice is made, whereon it kind of wavers. What brought 'Shark' back into the field when the ideas were more firmly into 'Daddy' or 'Poppa'? It's not that important, but it's noticeable.

Also, if I'm not mistaken the 'I-phone' on here should be spelled out as iPhone. My spell check doesn't catch that (not sure if that's a good or bad sign), and although I've never owned one I've seen plenty of comments about them.


*Snow4* Overall: This is a username origin story. Interesting how names come around sometimes. Sometimes I'm glad I can't name my real self, because as a kid I went through so many 'names I like better' that I could have been called any number of embarrassing things. Fortunately something tolerable stuck when it came to my username. Either way, you have a cool handle now *Wink*


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
81
81
Review of Solitaire  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Sounds kind of like my nights when I was younger, but I was more sneaky. I'd wait until my mom turned out the lights, then carry my book to the end of my bed so that I could read by the nightlight. For hours. I used to feel bad if I stayed up past midnight. I like the idea of asking for more books to be read instead of going to sleep. Sounds like something I could have done as a kid.

One of my brothers used to be big on solitaire, which is why I came to read this in the first place. I was more for Hearts. Nothing like cards and music to kill some extra time.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The first paragraph is amusing. Could have tried staying up late for T.V., but not realizing it and requesting books instead. I've got a hard time staying invested in the T.V. myself (possibly because our reception was so bad it just wasn't worth the effort to try when I was a kid), but I thought it was amusing in context here.


*Snow3* Suggestions: For a piece like this, it's pretty hard to offer suggestions. Maybe an addition between the two paragraphs would be good to help the flow smooth out a bit, but otherwise I'm not sure you can do much. Cutting out the '-ly' endings would help, but again, there aren't many words so it doesn't seem like its that important in this particular piece.

Well, that won't get. Me anywhere.

You might want to remove that period. It's breaking up the sentence at a bizarre place. I mean, unless this is some kind of effect that I can't see.


*Snow4* Overall: Solitaire, books, music, and T.V. sound like a pretty weird mix overall, but make sense in these two paragraphs about them. Sometimes sentences pop into my head fully formed and I have to run somewhere to write them down. But I'm not usually like that. I can relate to the mood of this short, short 'story'.


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
82
82
Review of Girl's Write Out  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I couldn't help but click on this when I saw the title and description. Sounded like something that could be entertaining in the very least. It does that well, by the way. I was reading and wondering how it would end, and the clever muse turns things around on the author. I guess the short story idea kind of worked out, though, because this isn't poetry.

My muse doesn't do poetry, so I guess we've got opposite entities. Maybe yours is just scared of the unknown and won't admit it. *Pthb* It can happen you know.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The ending is the best part because she whips out the short story like needed, but not as expected. It works as a story though, because it does have a beginning, middle, and end. Besides that, it's enough to make me smile.


*Snow3* Suggestions: It's unnecessary, I suppose, but you could give us some more description on Chloe, the dear muse that doesn't seem to want to write anything but poetry. That's fine, but whenever you need to write fiction, she goes MIA on you. You can also add a few of her motions between the dialogue if you wish, just to bring more of this story to life. She's already got great personality, so if you can you should try and make use of it.

Also, at first it wasn't clear who 'his Muse' meant, and although it comes through later, the dialogue in that part is somewhat unclear. It might bear looking into, but if not it's still understandable the way it is.


*Snow4* Overall: Struggling to write fiction against a stuck-up Muse (aren't they all?), and coming out with a story of that in the process. I think that's pretty creative, all things considered. I probably wouldn't have thought of it, though writing fiction is more or less what I do, so my problems would have been different. Looks like the story came out okay, even with her stubbornness.


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
83
83
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: William was running away from his pursuit, men who wanted to kill him to stop him from achieving some mysterious mission he was on. I'm still not sure what his original goal was, but this is not what happens. He is shot, his horse killed (slowly enough that it's undoubtedly painful for the animal), and he drifts in and out of consciousness until he finds himself at some woman's mercy.

This turns out to be a long way into the future (for him anyway, not me) and he is going to be given the medical attention he's in desperate need of. Hopefully he recovers quickly, but I somehow don't think that's an option for him at the moment.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Being chased through the woods is exciting in itself, but William's struggles to get back to his mount, then on to his goal are riveting as well. It tends to feel like it loses some momentum near the end, but still interesting enough to keep me reading if there was anything else to read.


*Snow3* Suggestions: This story gives me the impression of being less polished than the other chapter I read before it. There are more words ending in '-ly', and the use of the word 'was' is also increased. The spacing issue is here as well, so I'm thinking it's a style. I'm not trying to pound you over the head to tell you to get rid of them or else, I'm just recommending that you do. It would look more polished.

He sent up a silent prayer for his luck to hold a little longer.

A little is a word combination you want to avoid, but don't think you can get away with 'a bit' or 'a few'. Either be specific, or don't specify. Your narrator needs to sound decisive.

The impact nearly knocked him from his horse. Instantly, his left arm dropped to dangle at his side, useless.

You won't be needing 'instantly'. His arm dropping is good enough, and sounds instant. There's nothing between it and the previous statement to drag it out.

EXAMPLE: The impact flung his entire body forward, and his left arm dangled at his side, useless. He scrambled to regain his balance, gritting his teeth as his adrenaline saturated mind registered the pain in full.

Then, with a shrill cry of shock and panic,

One or the other should be sufficient on their own.

For a few minutes, William lay gasping for air that would not come,

Pretty sure you can do without this, too.

Even the slight jarring caused by his slow progress along the muddy creek bed sent excruciating spikes of pain shooting through his torso.

I didn't think it would be roughly jarring. He can't move enough to cause that, so you can get rid of that word.

The unknown, soft, feminine voice began very near his side but quickly faded away into the shrouding mists in his mind.

If you want, you can put 'soon' in place of 'quickly' instead of removing that altogether.

William woke slowly to filtered sunlight warming one side of his face and the sounds of a forest.

He could flutter his eyelids first, but it's up to you.


*Snow4* Overall: Sounds like this has an amazing story somewhere, but it does need to be tightened so there aren't so many extra words. Even as it is, I can follow what is going on. It's just those additional words are distracting. I've also heard somewhere (though I'm not sure where) that it's not the best idea to start with your main character about to be killed or in the heat of battle. What happens before this that turns William's life in this direction? The encounter with the 'witch' only served to confuse me. Maybe this isn't quite the right place to start this story?

Either way, I found it an enjoyable read in the end.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
84
84
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Ultimately I decided to come on back and review this, too, since I read the story you had put up and you'd probably prefer if this was read over by somebody who had. Although since you've already decided on one ending, it's more like an interesting exercise than a real critiquing review.

These are the alternative ways you had thought of to end this story. It's interesting how it went from really, really simple, to complicated and feeling. Like the real elements of the story were being refined.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Looking back at these three, I'm still liking three the best of them all. I think it captures the complete mood of the story better, even if there are moments that it feels like it might be a bit too draggy. I like the way it comes through better, plain and simple.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I don't really have suggestions for this (see the other review if you need any though), but I could point out why I like the third one better in more detail than I did above.

The first ending is way too abrupt, and feels 'telly'. He loves Sally. Well, that's great, but that seems way off subject compared to the moving story ahead of it. Like flinging it in came more as an after thought.

The second ending isn't so bad, but it also seems to deviate from Virgil Beaver himself by introducing Harold. I'm not saying this was a bad idea, but it feels almost as if Harold is supposed to be a replacement for Virgil. A bandage for a wound, if you know what I mean. It might have been able to work, but I feel that the third ending captures what the mood really is best.


*Snow4* Overall: I can see why you chose to end it as you did. Though at least one of the alternatives had something going for it, I think you did choose the best one. If I'd had to make a vote, that one would have gotten it. Harold wasn't a bad thing, but he couldn't be introduced so late in the story. Sally is already there. All in all You've found a good balance.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
85
85
Review of Pegasus Heights  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: A boy and his sister are waiting for their new 'animal gifts' as you describe it. I didn't even notice until they arrived, because they weren't indicated except for a weird mention of 'yard sales'. Not sure what that has to do with unicorns and pegasus. The point, I guess, is to keep the kids from suspecting anything. However I do like the idea, and can imagine how thrilled they'd be when they meet their steeds.

The boy gets the pegasus, and the girl gets the unicorn. Sounds like everything is already decided, and everyone thinks the same way. I'm not arguing, but I'm intrigued as to how this came to be. I guess that isn't important in such a short story, though.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Obviously the unicorn and the pegasus gifts. If I were a kid of that age I'd be thrilled if I could have one, and probably would stop dead in my tracks at the sight just like these two did. What can you say when you're greeted by something like that?


*Snow3* Suggestions: That first sentence is not the greatest way to get me into your story. I read a line that has to do with stepping in manure with a 'had' word in it, and no indication as to why this is important except as a joke to his sister later on. There must be a better place to start this from. Did he want to go with them to town, and is frustrated that he couldn't? If so, he could be kicking pebbles or something aside and grumbling to himself about the unfairness of it all. As it is he's just sniping his sister for no reason.

Nevertheless I trumped over to the hen house. A Nanny obeyed, is a Nanny sated after all. It’s just that it wasn’t even my job to get the eggs.

In the second sentence you have a comma, and I really don't think you should have one there. It's confusing.

The second line could lose the 'just' and the 'was' for something stronger, though it may take restructuring for the sentence.

As I peeled back the old wire mesh door of the hen house in preparation of stepping in more manure, I heard the distinct belch of the old truck struggling up the drive.

This reads off as passive. The action should come as early in the sentence as possible.

EXAMPLE: I peeled back the old wire mesh door of the hen house and steeled myself against the idea of stepping into more manure. I didn't get to. The distinct, wheezing belch of the old truck struggling up the drive stopped me.

What I saw when I sprinted around the side of the outhouse will no doubt stay with me for the rest of my life. I imagine now it must be similar to the emotion that Mother tells us we must feel when we kneel in Father Nate’s rickety old church.

I found myself standing next to Seya as she too looked on in awe. She gave a nervous giggle and clamped her hand over her mouth.

I know this is a lot to point out, but while reading this I began to feel frustrated that I had no idea in the slightest what these two were looking at that took their breath away like this.


*Snow4* Overall: The story needs some tightening, but overall has a lot of good going for it. Sharpening the reason for why the main character is upset will help it a great deal, and cutting back on the passive voice will make it more exciting. I like the character, I just couldn't connect with him early enough because I didn't know why he was so grouchy.


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
86
86
Review of Skiing the POW  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: A boy with a deep love for skiing and snowboarding is on his way to another run down the mountain. But first he's going to sit still for a moment and reflect on what brought him so far, and admit to himself that he's never been happier than he is now. There's a good chunk of backstory, and the actual 'now' doesn't get mentioned very much, but I think it's okay that way. The story is still told, and Alex is satisfied with how things have turned out. Therefore, so is the reader.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I liked the scenes of snow. I have never gone skiing or snowboarding, so the slang kind of went right over the top of my head, but you did a great job of making everything easy to understand. Alex's great love for what he does is enough to inspire the reader to feel it, too.


*Snow3* Suggestions: There were a few issues with the wording in a few places, and some of the sentences sounded a bit on the passive side. To give impact, you might also be interested in cutting back on the 'was', 'had', and '-ly' ending words. This is something I tell a lot of people, but trust me when I say this. It helps bring your story to life.

I will make a few examples so you know what to look out for and what you can (if you want, of course) do about it.

The sun was blinding in the bright blue sky. Snow glittered like diamonds, sparkling with color in the sun.

This comes across as redundant, what with mention of the sun and what its light is doing twice in a row.

EXAMPLE: The sun's blinding rays turned the snow to diamond glitter of rainbow colours.

He remembered how excited his Dad was and the grainy brown early digital film clip

I'd kind of like to know 'how' his dad was excited. Talking fast? Hopping up and down?

the excitement he heard in his Dad’s voice as he awkwardly clumped around the tiled floor in his first skis was enough inspiration for him to return to the slope.

Removing the 'was' will take some restructuring, but you can cut the 'awkwardly' right away. Saying he 'clumped' around indicates it's an awkward procedure for him.

Alex was suddenly aware of the impact of that first successful run and how quickly he adopted the mountain slang

Rephrasing this is probably your best bet.

EXAMPLE: The full impact of that first successful run hit Alex then, and he reflected on how fast he adopted the mountain slang from that moment on.

Squinting against the sun, Alex turned his attention to Jacob.

There is no need to make your sentences overly complex. Simple is good. Less is more.

EXAMPLE: Alex squinted against the sun as he turned his attention to Jacob.

Initially, it wasn’t clear if he would ski again.

EXAMPLE: At first nobody knew if he would ski again.

Jacob knew by the look on his friend’s face that he had struck a nerve.

This is a POV shift. The only one that jumped out of me. You should probably keep this limited to Alex, since he's the main character.

It has been the most wonderful six years of his life.

Jump to present tense here to look out for.


*Snow4* Overall: Cutting back on the 'was' words should help this piece a great deal. I think you've done a fine job of describing Alex's passion for snowboarding and skiing, and how he's determined never to quit. It makes me happy for him, even if I don't share his passions. It makes snowboarding sound like - at least to Alex - the greatest sport in the world.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
87
87
Review of VIRGIL BEAVER  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This is an amazingly detailed story about two friends and their too brief time together. I didn't like everything about this - of course not, I always struggle to appreciate drunken brawls - but it fits together the way it should.

You put some good details about Virgil, and the little things he did that everyone seemed to enjoy. He had a Betty Boop pen that seemed to be his best friend in life and gave him character. He wasn't highly intelligent or movie-star handsome, either. Just real, kind of dumb, and silly. It was easy to like him, and harder to let him go even if he was present through almost half the story.

Although it's never said, Virgil's death pushed the main character in a different, arguably better direction in his life.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The writing here is obviously very country - if I can say that and get away with it. That was an interesting touch that didn't distract me too much, but gave a good deal of insight to what the main character's thoughts were like for him, instead of how they were just for me.


*Snow3* Suggestions: My biggest problem is the way the end starts to feel like it's dragging. I'm not sure why, I don't think you used too many words, but it's like you're drilling new things in my head about Virgil that I didn't necessarily need to know. It's not that the extra information is bad, it's just that it tends to be a bit... immobile, perhaps. Like the lively feeling from the rest of the story isn't there so much anymore.

I didn't necessarily like the fact that there is a 'was' so early in the story, and although a lot of them are necessary to maintain the kind of feeling the rest of the piece has, you might consider cutting a few back for the sake of showing more.

After we grew up, Virgil had this stupid floaty pen he carried around

Maybe 'got' would be better here.

Virgil never had a bona fide, flesh-and-blood girlfriend.

Again, I think you might be able to get away with the word 'got' instead.

That last summer, I went over to Virgil’s to hang out for awhile. It was a sweltering hot Saturday afternoon in the middle of July.

I thought this paragraph could go smoother than it does, though I don't remember what I first had in mind. I'll give you an idea what I mean anyway.

EXAMPLE: I went over to Virgil's to hang out for a while on that sweltering hot Saturday afternoon in the middle of July.

Whenever we came out of there, we were black as the coal we mined and weary clear down to the bone.

One of those can be omitted.

Poor Virgil wasn’t so lucky.

EXAMPLE: Poor Virgil didn't get so lucky.


*Snow4* Overall: Sadder than I thought it would be when I clicked on it, but a pleasant surprise as to how good the writing is. I think it could use a touch more polishing, and there might be a few more extra words kicking around that you can get rid of without trouble, but on the whole it's already pretty solid. I can tell it's been well cared for and edited.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
88
88
for entry "Something Important" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Ahaha. At first I thought the dad was tired, irritable, and being rather nasty to his kid. Not someone I would generally like to be around, but hey, he does need a strong dose of coffee to wake up the rest of the way. I was prepared to wait because his kid was trying to tell him something, and I couldn't help but feel that it really would be something important.

So by the time the end came around and I find out his wife was missing, I was snickering in amusement. Ahh, so this is why it's called 'Something Important'. I'll say it was. I hope he apologized to the kid, but Buddy is probably feeling pretty smug anyway.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Obviously the ending is the best part because the father finally realizes what he's been missing, but the lead up is excellent as well. I could tell Buddy had something to say and was itching to get it out. His tone makes me think exasperation, so I'm guessing this is not the first time his dad has forgotten something important. Probably not Beth, though.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Some of the sentences could be made stronger without their 'had' and 'was' words, though it would take some restructuring to do this. It's such a short piece that I don't think that would be too hard. The story itself is sound, so I'm more focused on the technical stuff.

And Beth was no better, spending money on junk.

The following sentence is present tense, but this one is past. Then everything else is past. I'm not sure if 'was' should be 'is' or what. Either way, the 'was' should be avoided if possible.

I tried to speak quietly and gritted my teeth,

This '-ly' end can be avoided in pretty simple fashion.

EXAMPLE: I tried to keep my voice low and gritted my teeth,

Finally, I was next to order.

Hmm... I'm not that fond of this sentence, I'll admit.

EXAMPLE: At last I rolled up to the window.

Now that I think about it, it's funny that the above statement seems to indicate they're still on the road, but down at the bottom he's already waiting in line. Just an observation.


*Snow4* Overall: Cute story. I can imagine how embarrassing this is for him when the kid points out something is missing, but he wouldn't listen until he noticed for himself. You did mention that his entire attention was on the road, so it's not altogether unbelievable that he didn't notice the absence of his wife. Hah, entertaining to say the least.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
89
89
Review of Our Guest Book  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: The first time I saw this forum was a long time ago - maybe two years now - when someone sent me fuzzy flowers. I have always remembered it, and I believe that I came back here to leave my thanks. If I didn't, I was pleased - rest assured.

What I'm saying is that this was a great idea when it came around, and I'm glad it was made. The poetry put on the front page is a nice touch, and the bear signature is adorable.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: For this particular forum, I think the colours were a fantastic touch. Although I've always been a huge fan of purple, so that might be a biased opinion. The gold on the very bottom of the page is a nice change of pace as well.

I had some fun scrolling through the kind posts put on here. It's a pleasure to see so many people coming back to say thanks for a gift someone gave them through this program.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Not really a suggestion, but I think it needs an update sometime soon. I guess that will come sooner or later, but I'm just saying because I don't see much mentioned for the present year and we're about halfway through it now.


*Snow4* Overall: Looks like everything here is in great order. The colours are nice and soft to match with the fuzzy theme, everything is turned bear-y and nice. The poetry is fitting, and the images are adorable. All in all this does what it has to, so it's going to get one of my very rare five star ratings. Keep doing what you're doing.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.
90
90
Review of Armed Vision  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I'm going to start by saying this is not the typical kind of story I'm familiar with, and none of your stories appear to be. I'm guessing it's a different writing style than I am used to, and I will do what I can to offer useful criticism irregardless of that.

That being said, this piece has a sort of surreal feel about it. As if I'm wandering through a hazy dream or through drunk eyes or something. A sleep walker, maybe. I feel more like I'm in the character's thoughts than walking around with her and peering over her shoulder. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm doing what I can here.

The main character is the girl, if I am not mistaken, and she seems to be doing her best to keep her nose clean without ruining her chances at having a good time. I get the impression she has a low opinion of the system around her, but knows she can't change it and is going to go with the flow.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: It's cool that you've captured a dreamy feeling in this. I don't mean dreamy in a doe-eyed way, I mean dreamy surreal. I'm not sure I've ever read another style quite like this, but I've not been looking very hard. So don't take that as a feat or anything. I just thought I'd mention it.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I'm not one to argue with style, so I'll go for technical. I did have a slight problem following the story itself, but at the end I thought I understood what I'd read. So I guess that's okay. However I noticed you used a lot of '-ly' endings. These are weak words irregardless of style, and they are distracting. I'm going to point a few out for you.

A few snapshots for the yearbook of Greek girls in college shirts washing cars to benefit the physically challenged. Publicly displayed sorority pins.

I have a suggestion for this, if you want.

EXAMPLE: A few snapshots from the yearbook of Greek girls in college shirts washing cars to benefit those with physical challenges. Sorority pins on public display.

It's obviously the two of them against the world.

You can do without this word. It's stated in the sentence previous, and using it again here is redundant.

Don is momentarily at odds.

This can be changed a smidgen to get rid of the '-ly' ending, too.

EXAMPLE: Don is at odds for a moment.


*Snow4* Overall: I don't usually delve into vastly different writing styles, so this was an interesting experience to say the least. I also never went to college or a university, so it's like peering into a world I don't know anything about. I don't think the story had a definite point it built up to, but it did reach a climax and held my attention through to the end.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
91
91
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: Children preparing for art class of some kind meet a purple polar bear from a different world in the hallway rummaging through the trash can for a toy she lost. She's also not too particular about having her picture taken for the art project the girls are working on.

Once they find Pixie's robot, (called Roberta) they are whisked off to the home of the purple polar bear and her various friends. Seems like this is going to be the start of a short novella about a different world. One that's inhabited by talking animals and unusual species.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The concept is the best part about this. It's a kids' theme - which is obvious when reading it - and has young characters to go along with it. None of the words are challenging to understand or long and tedious. I even liked the introduction of the owl, however brief.

I can tell where the prompts are thanks to them being bold, and I think you used them quite neatly.


*Snow3* Suggestions: Compared to the last story I read from your port, this one feels much more scattered. There are a lot of extra words, and even '-ly' endings where there shouldn't be. I'd suggest tightening up the writing by removing most of those words and reorganizing the sentences so they aren't in passive voice. This would help liven up the story and clear up some of the confusion.

There are several slips in POV to look out for, as well.

Ava listened carefully, as her teacher told the details of the new art project.

This is the first sentence, but it doesn't have much impact.

EXAMPLE: Ava leaned forward in her seat as the teacher peered down at the paper.

"For our art project I want you to make a collage of photos."

The eight year old's big, brown eyes sparkled with excitement as she thought of the possibilities. Her dad had given her his old camera just the other day. This was the perfect time to use it!

I'll use this sentence as a primary example here. Although you give me a good impression what Ava looks like, I've got only the vaguest of ideas how she is feeling. I want to feel that rush of adrenaline.

EXAMPLE: The eight year old's big brown eyes sparkled with excitement and a thrill ran through her heart. Her dad gave her his old camera the other day, and the teacher already gave her the perfect chance to use it!

Pixie shrugged as she spoke, wondering why the girls didn't know this simple fact.

This is one of the POV slips. Ava is the main character, so she shouldn't know what Pixie is wondering.

Pixie was jumping up and down with excitement about bringing her new friends home.

This could show more of what is going on. Don't tell me she is. Show me she is.

EXAMPLE: Pixie sprang up and down in excitement and flashed her pointed white teeth in a grin.

It would help if you spent a bit more time describing this strange new world the two girls are introduced to. I got a vague impression what I was looking at, but not enough to give me a good idea where they were or what it was like there.


*Snow4* Overall: Anyone around the age of the main characters will probably love this sort of a theme to a story. I'm kind of surprised the purple polar bear would come to their world often - or claims to have - and has never been discovered before this moment. Maybe it takes a kid to see the critter, or else Pixie is just crazy lucky, I don't know, but you might want to drop an explanation for this somewhere. This promises to be a cute little chapter book.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
92
92
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: This is an intriguing world you've built here. The first line is sufficient to grab a reader's attention and hold it there, and the idea of a 'healing horse' is definitely unique. Not something I would have thought of. I also like the subtle plot woven through the whole thing. Mrs. Vesta (Rhea) is sure she's awful with kids, and she feels this even more so when her daughter's life is put in mortal danger.

But when the end comes around she is reassured by her daughter who tells her she's the best mother ever. It's really cute, and unique in of itself. I'm just curious who Rhea's healing horse is.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I think I like the brief history lesson best. That seemed to go in more real time than the later stuff, which skipped a lot more. Yes, I know when you're on a word count limit you have to keep things to a minimum. Taking that into consideration, this isn't as jumpy and hard-to-follow as I would have expected. For such a short story it packs a lot of punch.


*Snow3* Suggestions: There were a few places I think could use improvement. Like I said above, the ending felt somewhat cramped as the actual moment where they found the much needed was skipped, and therefore downed the impact. Although the important things were mentioned, I still wish I could have seen that.

Rhea’s neighbor, Grace, caught her breath as she ran to catch the teacher before she entered her house.

This is kind of weird in how it's worded. Where's she come from? I feel like the sentence is a bit stumbly.

Tears streamed down the frantic woman’s face as she caught her breath some more.

I think you only need to catch it once.

EXAMPLE: Tears streamed down the frantic woman's face and she struggled to catch her breath.

Tears then dripped down her face as well.

I feel like I'm being told this.

EXAMPLE: Tears blurred her vision and streaked her cheeks.

As the words which were quickly blurted out by Grace sunk in, Rhea felt dizzy.

I think this is probably the sentence I disliked the most in this entire piece. Like the woman who 'blurted out' the previous words, this feels like it was blurted out, and it's passive.

EXAMPLE: Rhea's head spun as the blurted words sunk deeper into her numbed brain.

Lucy answered promptly.

You can do without the 'promptly'. Maybe Lucy 'answered at once' or something. No '-ly' ending is a good '-ly' ending.

Hugging the champagne-colored horse, Miranda smiled.

This feels passive, too.

EXAMPLE: Miranda hugged the champagne-colored horse and smiled.


*Snow4* Overall: This was an interesting story to say the least. I didn't expect anything like this when I clicked on it. Healing horse (as a literal thing) was the last thing on my mind, but this story managed to go beyond my expectations in under a thousand words. Impressive. The story's entire purpose seems to be this mother gaining confidence in her abilities as - uh well, a mother. The concept is also interesting, as they're not really human.

Also, your sparkly signature is pretty.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
93
93
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I think this is about the same horse as the short story I read earlier. This is such a sweet poem, that I - who am about as far from a poet as humanely possible - can still appreciate the mood behind it. At first I thought I was reading about a genuine, fur-and-purr type cat until I realized it was just the rider's name. *Facepalm* In my defense, it's really early here.

I must also point out that I have never heard the tune of Puff, the Magic Dragon. So I'm down on two points here when it comes to critiquing this.

That being said, the ending was sad and beautiful. Nice job.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: The second-to-last paragraph was my favourite. The words seemed smoother there and the rhyming perfect. Like everything until that moment had been going as perfectly as possible, only for an unexpected circumstance to pop up between them and ruin everything. Separating them forever, and leaving Cat, the rider, all by herself.


*Snow3* Suggestions: I'm probably not the best for critiquing, but I'll see if I can find at least one thing that will help you out if you ever plan to edit this. I mean, honestly I think it's fine the way it is right now. Probably not perfect, though *Wink*

And power machines and road rollers would greet them with a blast.

Seems this would roll smoother without the 'and'.

So Cat the horseback rider sadly sobbed her last goodbye.

I feel like the rhythm got a bit different here because of the 'sadly'. I'm not sure if this fits the tune (and maybe it does), but reading it in my head kind of interrupts the rhythm.

And that's all I really noticed that might use tightening.


*Snow4* Overall: I liked this, which is saying something because I'm far from a fan of poetry. I swear this G.o.T. is melting my mind to make me review it, but yours was a joy to read. I think you did a great job of showing the happy beginning and the sad ending. It'll make your readers think, or at least feel nostalgic about a horse and rider we've never met.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
94
94
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I love horses, so I thought this would be a great place to start reviewing you. You've painted an image in my head of the horses you have owned or been near in all this time. The main animals were moved around and it's painful to say goodbye to them. I have never owned a horse, but we did have dogs and chickens (and at one point goats), and I was sad every time we had to let them go. It doesn't matter how much you try to keep yourself removed. They become dear to you anyway.

This is more or less a documentary of this, and the walk across to Floss. The horse herself never shows up, which was a bit disappointing but also understandable. I'm okay with the musing over the past, as well.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Horses. Also, the mention of a refrigerator full of carrots. It makes me think of the horses crunching away while more of the orange vegetables are given to them. Actually, I really like carrots myself. I know why they like them, but I might fight them for it.

The mood is also sombre, but hopeful in this peace. A nice blend of the two.


*Snow3* Suggestions: There's a bit of lacking punctuation in the first paragraph that makes it somewhat difficult to follow what's going on. Once I got deeper into the story it kind of eased back, but it's worth noting that it needs some clarification.

Also, it's great that this is a final goodbye to the ten-year-old mare, but the reader never gets to see the said horse. It leads up to the the farewell, but never gets down to giving it. Kind of disappointing.

If she had been my own horse, I would have looked for just this sort of situation.

You can omit this extra word.

Des didn’t say anything about Pat, but I know he has another place where he can take his horses so I’m guessing that’s probably what he’ll be doing, if he hasn’t done it already.

Shuffling around this paragraph here could make it easier to read, and at the same time remove an '-ly' endings. .

EXAMPLE: Des didn't say anything about Pt, but I know he has another place where he can take his horses. I'm guessing that's what he'll be doing, if he hasn't done it already.

The storms usually arrive around 4:00 o’clock so if the showers tonight aren’t too heavy, and they stop by morning, I may just venture a ride. After all, it may very well be my last.

Often might be a better word instead of 'usually'.

EXAMPLE: The storms often arrive around 4:00 o'clock, so if the showers tonight aren't too heavy and stop by morning, I may venture for a ride. After all, it might be my last.


*Snow4* Overall: Touching story, though I wish you'd gotten around to mentioning the horse. I take it this is a real story, so I'm betting you did see the horse (I hope you did!), but the reader didn't get the chance. I never met the animal, and I'm sure she was a darling. I just wanted a moment to see her the way you did.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
95
95
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: A young woman is standing next to her lover's grave and musing over what could have been, and how wonderful it would have been. While she's there, she recalls the events that led to this disaster, and how much she misses him. I got a deep impression of her loss and hopelessness here. She has no idea what to do with herself now that she's lost the man she thought she would one day marry.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I like the resonance from the beginning being echoed again at the end. Once I got through the whole story I understood the meaning behind it, and it had more impact.


*Snow3* Suggestions: You used a lot of passive and weak words in this piece, which took away from my experience. It won't be perfectly easy to fix, but it gets easier with practice. I also wasn't that much a fan of the dialogue opening (though I can't currently think of a better way to open this).

That aside, you mention the fact that she is sitting in the warm sunlight and soaking up the rays, but shortly thereafter it begins to rain. I'd buy this easier if she mentioned clouds in the sky or the humidity. Otherwise it sounds like you forgot what the weather was.

Her glance returned to Troy considering how handsome he was.

Saying 'he was' handsome isn't going to give anyone a mental image of it. You describe him pretty well in the next sentence, so roll with that and banish the 'was' here.

His eyes got so big and he would start to talk very fast.

You can discard this extra word.

She shared that she wanted to work as a veterinarian here in their town with old Doc Johnson.

This word isn't necessary, either.

Doc Johnson had taken her under his wing when she was just a little girl full of joy petting all the cats and dogs in his waiting room which happened to be next door to her family's shoe store.

This sentence is in need of some punctuation, but I'm not that fond of 'was just a little girl' because it's all weak words.

EXAMPLE: Doc Johnson had taken her under his wing when she came in as a little girl to pet all the animals in his waiting room. Her family's shoe store happened to be next door, which gave her easy access to the clinic.

Troy's eyes looked like sapphires sparkling in the sun's rays as he spoke.

No need to add this. I know he spoke because of the rest of this sentence.

Sandy wiggled closer to him and kissed his lips softly, knowing her kiss would tell him that she felt the same.

Feels redundant.

EXAMPLE: Sandy wiggled closer to him and pressed her lips to his, knowing he would understand that she felt the same.

She felt a gentle rain trickling down as she opened her eyes.

This is telling. I want to feel the kiss of rain on her cheeks and hear the pattering it makes as it falls.

Doc just looked at her with tears in his eyes as he took the poodle from her.

Extra word you can remove here, too.

The rain felt cool on her flushed skin as it came down a little harder.

Although this sentence is fairly 'telly' as well, you want to try to avoid use of the words 'a little' together.


*Snow4* Overall: Sandy's dreams have crashed down with the death of the boy she wanted to marry, and now she's out in the rain by his grave. Wondering about what could have been, and reflecting. You did a decent job of painting a sorrowful scene for this unfortunate girl. The resonance is good, and her quiet sense of hopelessness. There's nothing that can be done and she has reluctantly started to accept that.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
96
96
Review of The Changed Man  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions: I was led here because of the description. A customer service rep for a wizard sounds amazing. This focuses on one of the encounters with someone who used a cream from said wizard to remove his facial hair. It worked, but he also ended up with the wrong face. A woman's.

So he ends up asking for a refund, and for help from Polme, who is quite sick of the whole affair.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: I like the vagueness of the lord's creams and spells, as if the wizard himself makes these potions knowing full well there could be some unwanted side-effects (or maybe he knows what they are and just doesn't label them), then leaves his customer service dude to take care of the mess afterward. It gives me a good idea what kind of person Talonwise is without him ever stepping into the scene.


*Snow3* Suggestions:

Polme frowned while looking at the woman and her smooth face.

This isn't bad, but I do have a suggestion that might improve it.

EXAMPLE: Polme frowned as he examined the woman's smooth face.

He silently wished that Lord Talonwise would enact some kind of protecting enchantment for such a situation as this.

No need for him to 'silently' wish for this.

Polme flashed a quick smile and waited for the guest to leave the counter as he was convinced that his needs had been satisfied.

This sentence starts okay, but ends on a bit of a lame note. There's no need to cut the ending with telling.

EXAMPLE: Polme flashed a quick smile and shuffled back to his (other work), satisfied that the customer's needs were taken care of.

Especially with all the spells, charms, potions, and enchantments that seemed to go awry.

I don't like the '-ly' end here, so I'll give you an idea how you can change it.

EXAMPLE: What with all the spells, charms, potions, and enchantments that seemed to go awry, Lord Talonwise would lose far too much money if he gave it back to every whiny customer.

Polme Gra’taf was normally inclined to believe such a statement in this little village, but he’d heard it before.

This is another sentence that could be stronger. The 'was' and '-ly' ending is taking away from the impact it has.

EXAMPLE: Polme Gra'taf would believe such statements from the little village, but he'd already heard too many of them before.


*Snow4* Overall: Too bad this wasn't longer. I wonder what other bizarre problems Polme would have run into if it had gone on for a while. Seems the man with a changed face is a commonplace (although not strictly with this particular malady). I can imagine what would happen if he met more dissatisfied people.


Keep writing!

~Tam

Image for GoT

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
97
97
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


Hey there. I got your item as a random review, so I'm just popping by to give you some feedback.

*Star* First Impressions: This didn't go the way I expected overall. It carries its tone well throughout the story and gets to the conclusion as expected. There was a bit of a twist because of the man who occupied the entire bench, but the main character remedied that with an underhanded trick of his own.

I think this is supposed to be humorous, but don't feel too bad if I didn't get it. I'm the sort that can read just about anything with a perfectly straight face.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Ah well, I like the way he scared the man off his bench. Though probably not the best way to make the main character look like a hero - certainly made him look more selfish - but it made sense.


*Moon* Suggestions: You're using a lot of weak words, which is taking away from the merit of the story itself. It's harder to read something when 'was' is taking the place of most descriptive words. The opening line isn't all that interesting, either. You want a hook, not a dull explanation.

Since I could go on about this for a long time, I will try and make this concise and scratch at the biggest issue here.

Starting with the 'was', 'had', and '-ly' endings. Try to remove as many of these as you can, filling them in with active descriptions instead. Your opening line could be the one that currently comes in second, since that's when the main point of the plot comes into play. After that you should be able to put your explanation as to why this character is out here.

But don't do it by blandly stating it. Is this kid worried because he's alone? Is he just exhausted and doesn't care? I want to be able to feel what he's going through here so that I can relate to it. Is it noisy? Quiet? Smelly? Anything?

These are things to consider. Draw from personal experience if you have to, the story is good. It just needs some help.


*Butterflyb* Overall: So the story was cute. I appreciated the dry joke in it, and how the kid got the bench from the man. I'm not sure this would have worked if said man had been awake enough to comprehend what was really going on, but at least the kid slept. I assume he also got home safe, but that's not important here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
98
98
Review of "Untitled"  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


I got your item through the random review button and I'm here to give you some feedback.

*Star* First Impressions: Interesting concept. I found myself interested enough to read through the whole thing thanks to both the computer message, and my curiosity as to what would happen resulting from the mysterious message.

The main character is busy, but she can't ignore the little thing that keeps popping up one word at a time at seemingly random intervals. At first she's completely mystified and probably more curious than scared, but the deeper the matter goes the more worried she gets.

Finally at the end she gets an answer, but not the one I would have expected. I'm not even quite sure what I expected...


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I think it's obvious that I liked the concept best of all. The way the message is slowly pieced together is a great way to keep the reader intrigued by the story all the way to the tragic end.


*Moon* Suggestions: The way this story starts is very flat. The opening is supposed to be a sort of hook, but this just starts with a (young) woman preparing to drink tea and take it easy. Not to mention using an ancient computer that lags something awful. This isn't the most catchy opening because it tends to promise the rest of the story will be boring. It's not, but first impressions are important.

There are a lot of extra words thrown here and there which make your sentences feel heavy. Most words with an '-ly' end can be removed without harming your descriptions at all, and they'll make reading much easier. For example.

her computer was relatively old, as she had just recently moved out of her parents' house and had very few funds to pull from, what with rent and food to consider.

Instead of all those extra words, you can try cutting them out, or replacing them with something stronger. Lets see.

EXAMPLE: her computer was old because, since moving out of her parents' house, there weren't many funds for her to pull from. She couldn't afford a sleek new machine with rent and food to consider.

Sounds like a realistic scenario to find yourself trapped in. I've only got a new laptop because of generous brothers, myself. So on the plus side, I can definitely relate to your character's situation.

Another thing you can work on is the words 'was' and 'had'. Removing them will require considerable sentence restructuring in some places, but you'll find once it's done the story will read stronger and look more professional.

Why remove them? They're weak words, and they're telling the story rather than showing it. There are other words that do the same sort of thing, but I won't go into that here.

Before she knew it, there was coffee all over her counter and soaking through her blazer and trousers.

I wish I could have seen her fumble that coffee rather than being told it kind of 'appeared' all over her.

She instinctively reached for her kitchen rag to soak up the mess,

That word is extra, and can hit the road. It doesn't do anything for this sentence.

Immediately, Annie fell to the ground, paralyzed from the shock.

It takes the 'immediate' feel out of what is happening here, so just cut it.

I don't get why Annie had to risk being late for work. Why didn't she just grab some fresh clothes while she waited for her slow computer to download the document?

Another problem is that I don't understand Chris' motivation for killing her, and was left scratching my head. Cool story, but the villain needs some purpose behind his actions. Does he even know she wants to end their relationship, or does he do this to all his girlfriends in the long run? I have no idea.


*Butterflyb* Overall: So the concept is intriguing, the story itself not too bad. The main character isn't bad, but the antagonist rings a bit hollow because I've got no clue what his motivation is. It needs polishing and requires the removal of extra words. Although it's something to keep in mind, it also isn't something to beat yourself up over. I use extra words myself and edit them out after I'm done writing.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
99
99
Review of Lost in Thoughts  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: An old man lumbering to his work with the world's weight on his shoulders. He had it all once, but no longer. He's got nothing and doesn't care about anything. He just lives because he's alive, and thinks because he's got nothing else to do.

All in all a very tragic person waiting for the end of his life as if it would be a mercy.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The end. The mood comes through strongest then, and I could better identify with the main character in question. I guess the scrap of poetry was part of what did it, since it seemed to wake him up a bit.


*Moon* Suggestions: Maybe it's just me that I can't feel quite connected to the character. I get the impression his voice as a character is a touch dry, if not a bit... well, quiet or subdued might be the word I'm looking for.

That's my opinion, and I'm one person. Don't freak out, but take it into consideration.

The beginning of this sounds telling because of all the 'was' and '-ly' endings going on. Most of the words ending in '-ly' can be done with out (in particular words like 'really', 'exceptionally', 'certainly', and 'eventually' jump out at me, but all of them do in the end). The first sentence of this piece overflowed with these words, and were about ready to make me turn aside.

Well, I didn't and the story does improve. Just try not to get too repetitive at the end, because it reminded me a smidgen of one paragraph higher up. Readers don't need things beaten into their heads (though sometimes it does make a nice effect).


*Butterflyb* Overall: A 'feeling' story, as it's called. Had a decent backstory going on, too. I had written something of this type myself, which is part of the reason why I stopped by. Really, I though your story wasn't bad, it just needs that first paragraph examined. It's the weakest paragraph in the whole story, and openings are important.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
100
100
Review of At the Horizon  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: An emotional story about a mother's feelings since losing her young daughter. She reflects upon these feelings and sees the child - Jessa - in every girl with blonde hair. Even going so far as to hear her voice.

At the end I was momentarily worried she was going to climb all the way to the top of that precipice and jump off. I'm glad that didn't happen, but it really sounded like that's where it was heading.

In the end she still doesn't have closure, but it's implied that she is making progress.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the overall tone and mood of this piece. Easily the best part displayed here, and the comparison between the child Jessa and the surfer with the same hair colour. It helps set the sombre mood you're going for.


*Moon* Suggestions: Although the story is full of feelings and visuals to compliment them, I have to admit the writing itself didn't draw me in quite as well as it could have. The reason is the overabundance of words such as 'was', 'had', and anything endings in '-ly'. It took some of the visuals and feeling out of the story.

Other than that I thought the story had a great deal of potential. The mood is perfect for what it's trying to be. The character is bitter in a way that doesn't make me dislike her for it, but rather I'm understanding.

Now I'll just give you an idea how you could improve it.

*Notepad* Please note my punctuation skills are not perfect.

The first thing I noticed was the overwhelming sound.

Having a 'was' in the first sentence made me wince. It's also a rather passive sentence. Lets try something more involved.

Example: I noticed the crash of sound first.

I was pregnant then and was a blissful young woman, recently married and about to start a family. How things have changed.

Again, this lies flatter than it should. There are some instances where you will need to use 'was' and 'had', and I kind of feel this is one of them. That is your decision though.

Example: Back then I was a pregnant, blissful young woman, just married and about to start a family. How things have changed.

Or: I was pregnant back then; a blissful young bride about to start her family. How things have changed.

The beach stretched out as far as my eyes could see until it looked like the water and sky became one at the horizon.

This isn't a bad sentence, but maybe a bit more showing would help it. Also, by beach do you mean water or sand? I'm not really sure.

Example: The beach stretched out as far as the eye could see and the water seemed to swell up to merge with the sky at the horizon.

There was a crisp fall breeze in the air which made the water sting my face and eyes.

This is probably the most perfect example I've seen of a telling sentence in here. Although there are more, this one sets the scene.

Example: A crisp fall breeze whipped through my hair and lashed stinging water into my eyes.

I had the sudden urge to remove my shoes and feel the sand between my toes.

Telling here, too.

Example: An urge to feel the sand between my toes gripped me. I knelt to my shoes and began to untangle the knots that held the laces in place.

It had been raining earlier that morning and so the sand was slightly damp.

Example: Not long before I arrived a light shower sprinkled the beach, and some of the damp still clung to the sand.

I hope this gives you a basic idea of what I mean. If you're still not sure you can always ask, and I'll try to explain better.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like the mood here, and the implications of what happened without you actually coming out and saying it. I think the piece has a lot of potential even if the writing could use a good polish. You've got the setting, the mood, and the character down fairly well. I enjoyed the story despite the things I have pointed out above.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
263 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 11 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/takingafterme/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4