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Review of Seeds of Wisdom  
Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
In this piece, I like the image of the Eagle spreading the wisdom through the seeds. My favorite line would be without judgment. You've used a good comparison with the animals and the wind. That helps create the imagery. I like the theme of your poem.. Although the poem is short, it has a deep theme. I really have no suggestions for improvement. Thank you for the read. It was most enjoyable.

Regards,
Ms. J

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Part 17

April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden - Treff Alpenhotel Kronprinz



Dominic sat at a corner in the dining room near a large window with a beautiful panoramic view of the mountains surrounding the hotel. He was not interested in the mountains or scenery though, his eyes kept flicking to the parking area hoping to get a glimpse of the rental car that Monday Stiehl was driving.

He was just finishing a delicious meal of bouillabaisse made the Bordeaux way and an excellent glass of Pouilly-FumĂ©. The white wine had a taste of gooseberries, gunflint, and smoke and was made in the Loire Valley of central France. It was an excellent wine to enhance his bouillabaisse. He was a connoisseur of wine as well as food and he didn’t particularly care which country he was in to enjoy either. He had dined on wonderful German food in Italy and excellent Italian food in Denmark. Although comma he would have to admit that England was a bit of a challenge when it came to finding the Epicurean style of food he preferred. His eating habits were governed by desire and not by geographical boundaries.

Although You just used although not too long ago. he enjoyed a hearty meal and did not deny his aggressive appetite, he remained in excellent physical condition. In his villa in Italy comma he had an Olympic size swimming pool, which he put to good use and he also ran five kilometers every other day. His worse habit was an occasional Cuban cigar, which he had repeatedly tried to give up, without success.

He was of average height but built like a wrestler with massive shoulders and a bull neck. His students had often called him " around the name or italics?The Gladiator in view of his powerful build and he had become very grew fond and comfortable with the image the title portrayed. He was, after all, of Italian ancestry…Roman ancestry.

In addition to being a world renowned Doctor of Paleontology and highly respected in academic circles, Dominic was by nature a careful and suspicious man who had intentionally cultivated a strong habit of watching people and events around him. That’s why he kept glancing at a table in the corner of the restaurant near the bar. A young man sat at the table and was struggling to remain inconspicuous, but Dominic had caught him looking in his direction more than once. The man was not just looking he appeared to be but appraising. The man was clean cut, in his mid twenties and if Dominic had to put a label on him it would be academic. He wasn’t much older than the graduate students that Dominic used to teach commaand he had a strong aura of piety about him.






The meal suddenly felt heavy on his stomach. It was unlike the benefactor to interfere in his professional appraisal of what needed to be done and how it was to be done. Now he was saddled with an unknown and unwanted sidekick. “You are under my tutelage as a graduate student in Roman pre - empire history,” He stated. “I assume you do know enough about Roman history to make it sound plausible?”



Over the young man’s shoulder comma Dominic spotted Stiehl’s rental car pull into the parking area. Following close behind it was an older model Mercedes and a dark SUV. Stiel got out of the rental and opened the door for an attractive young lady who appeared to be in a semi state of distress. Half a dozen rough looking men exited the SUV, none of which Dominic recognized, but he did recognize the occupant of the old Mercedes as he slowly pulled his lanky frame from the vehicle.


Dominic stood up and quickly left the dining room. As he saw Stiehl enter the foyer comma he signaled for Cencio to walk with him and started discussing a topic in classical Latin. As soon as he was within a few feet of Monday comma he sprung his ambush.

“Monday!” he yelled in a surprised tone. “What brings you to the Bavarian hinterlands?” He opened his arms wide in a sign of welcomed embrace.

After the past half hour of unexplained danger and adrenaline rush, Monday was comma at first commacaught off guard by the sudden braying of his name and was instinctively ready to go into action. But, as soon as he caught sight of one of his best friends with his arms out stretched, his nerves slowly relaxed. best friends huh? That' gonna complicate things a bit.




After full introductions comma Monday noticed that his team had continued on to their rooms but Henri had remained quietly standing near the door.

No need to introduce us,” Henri stated, coming forth and shaking Dominic’s hand. “Doctor Prestano and I have met on several occasions and I must admit I am an admirer of his. The good Doctor has helped the Bundeswehr in many ways, officially and unofficially.”

“From your look commas one would assume you’ve been out mountain climbing or playing rugby,” Dominic stated, pointing at their disheveled and dirty clothing.”

Regards,
Ms. J
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Review by Ms. J
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Part 16

April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden


He spotted a late model Mercedes parked on the grass in front of the house. Obviously his employers either owned the house or owned the person who owned it. The directions on how to find it were difficult to follow and he had almost given up in anger. He parked his old BMW next to the expensive Mercedes and opened the door. As he got out commahe pulled the PPK/S from his pocket along with the silencer. He checked the magazine then locked it back into place.

Muller pushed the front door open and walked into the farmhouse. He wasn’t worried about being attacked because Schäfer and he had done lots of productive business in the past commaand the attorney was a coward. As he entered the room comma Schäfer and the attorney were standing next to each other looking at him with anticipation and fear. Mueller took his time to screw the silencer onto his pistol, took one step towards them and fired point blank into the lawyer’s forehead.

The man was dead before the fear in his eyes could even register. It took almost five seconds for the body to slowly topple over like a felled tree. Ooo! Good image He turned and pointed the pistol at Schäfer.


“And I guess you didn’t know about this second note just as you didn’t say anything about the gold!” Mueller yelled, throwing the papers into Schafer’s face. “You didn’t tell me he had a team of professionals with him either.” He raised the pistol and placed the end of the barrel against Schafer’s forehead. Schafer was shaking shook as if he was entering hypothermia. Mueller saw a small puddle of urine spreading beneath his shoes. He was enjoying taunting the weasel of a man. Laughing, he quickly removed the pistol and put it into his coat pocket.

Schafer slowly Switch slowly and Schafer for sentence variety. bent over and picked up the papers which were spotted with his own urine. He quickly scanned the information and let out a sigh of amazement. His fear was suddenly gone. He knew that Mueller needed him.

“Do you know what this means?” he asked, waving the paper around.


Short but intense chapter. The only suggestion I have would be to mix up your sentence structure variety. Good chapter. You are really moving the plot along at a fast pace.

Shalisse


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Part 15

April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden - Bergwerkstrasse.






“Let’s do it!” Monday stated. I don't think stated is the right word here. He's excited, anxious, and now feeling like they need to put this plan into motion. I'm not sure the right word, but stated just didn't feel right to me. *Paragraph* The team had been unsuccessful in obtaining Special Forces communications gear so they had opted to use the commercial GMRS Communication system with a 34 mile radius. The Think Speaks were hands free even without the headset because they included both the mike and speaker in the handset. A good substitute for the expensive and hard to obtain military gear.



“Let’s roll,” Monday commanded?said into the mike. He slowly pulled onto the road leading to Daria’s apartment. He spotted Chester’s dark SUV in his rear view mirror and as he approached the apartment he saw Henri’s old Mercedes coming slowly towards him. From fifty meters away comma he could see Daria sitting in her kitchen window. She was looking towards the inside so he could not make out her facial expressions.

“Clear out back,” Bones came through on the mike. “Clear to the mountains,” Weps followed.

“Pull up and park in front of her apartment,” Chester 's voice hummed in his ear. came through on the radio. “Don’t get out of the car but sit there for a minute or two. We’ll pull over just down the road from you in whatever empty parking spot we find.”

Monday obeyed but done as Chester suggested. The short wait was agonizing. He wanted to throw open the car door and run yelling into the apartment. Daria had not moved since the time he first spotted her sitting in the window.



“I’m going in,” Monday finally said, unable to take the tremendous pressure any more. comma Monday threw his car door open. "I'm going in."

“I’m closing in for backup,” Chester answered, getting out o exited his car and quickly moving down the row of apartments.

Monday got out of his car and started walking strode towards the apartment, his eyes glued to Daria sitting in the dining room window. She still had not moved.

“Hit the deck!” Weps screamed over the radio. *Paragraph*As Monday dove towards the ground{c;blue} comma a piece of stone to his right flew apart in a shower of dust and flying fragments. At the same time he heard what sounded like two shots, one close, one much further away.

“Sniper,” Weps yelled again. “My shot threw his aim off but he was too well covered for a solid hit. He’s getting into the car parked along the road about 200 meters away.”

“Thanks Weps,” Monday replied. “I owe you another one. Sit sitch? You would no this lingo much better than I would Rep?”


“Clear back here,” Bones replied. reported? You seem to be relying on said and replied. Mix it up a bit. I've seen you do it, so I know you can! *Smile*

“Everyone move in,” Chester ordered. “Check the door for wires Monday,’ " he continued, realizing that Monday was a little rusty after so many years out of the service.

Within seconds comma they had the apartment checked and secured. Monday rushed over to Daria and quickly untied her. She had tears in her eyes but appeared be unharmed. She hugged him and did not want to let go. He finally released her and looked into her red rimmed eyes.

“He came for our copies of the documents,’ " she finally said managed?. “He found the other note in my purse and took it with him. He was so strange. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to kill me commabut when he read the note and discovered that I was Hitler’s granddaughter, it was as if a light went off in his eyes. He actually wanted to protect me then.”


This chapter had good action and tension. I think when you go through if you add variety with your speech tags it would help. I didn't mark or change all the replied or saids. The action is great!

Shalisse

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Review by Ms. J
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Part 14

April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden - Bergwerkstrasse.



Helmut Mueller quickly surveyed the damaged apartment. The stupid man they had hired had done a lousy job in his search for the second set of documents. A real professional would have left the room in the same condition as when first entered so that no suspicion would have been generated. The damage done here was far too much to cover up. Still, there were places to look that the idiot probably missed. There would be no second chance to search because the others would become paranoid over the damage as soon as they entered the room.

Bruno Schäfer Who is Bruno? Is he the guy that tossed the room? had assumed that the girl would leave her copy of the documents in her apartment but if the documents were important enough to Schäfer, they would just as likely be valuable to the girl and she would not leave them lying around. She may have, as insurance, already made copies of the copies. Mueller made a mental note to find out just what the documents were. Contract pay was good but there was something going on with that slimy looking attorney, Burkhard, that reeked of hidden secrets and wealth. If these two knew something important enough to get them eliminated it was something Mueller needed to know about.

He was searching in the bathroom beneath the cabinet drawers when he heard a sound at the front door. Someone was inserting a key into the lock. A moment later the door opened and closed and he could hear movement in the main room. A few seconds later the voice of the girl could be heard talking to a pair of tropical birds he had noticed hanging near the kitchen area.



Daria was momentarily shocked when she noticed that her ransacked apartment had been ransacked. She had been so concerned about her pet birds comma she hadn’t noticed it on her initial entry. She was stunned when a tall arrogant man with a deep scar on his cheek walked into the room with a gun pointed at her. She was positive she had never met the man before and she was also certain that he was looking for her copy of the documents. She watched in fear as the man read the second note that she and Monday had recovered from her grandmother’s… from Paula Wolff’s dress, the note that only she and Monday knew about. The man glanced at her several times then stuffed the note in his jacket pocket. He walked over and stared at her for a few moments, walking all the way around her.


“I don’t have them,” Daria said, a tremor in her voice. "I left them with a friend.”

“The American,” Mueller said snarledwith disdain as if the word left a bad taste in his mouth. “You will call the American now and tell him you need him to come here.” He walked over to the counter and grabbed her cell phone from the pile of items from her purse then handed it to her.


“I can’t possibly kill you,” Mueller replied. “You are family. But the American, if he doesn’t bring the papers I have no choice but to…” he pointed the pistol at the couch and pulled the trigger. A small hole and puff of dust bounced off the backrest of the couch and a splintering sound could be heard as the round plowed a hole in the wooden wall. Good description there./ I can picture and hear it clearly.



Mueller cocked his head to one side and smiled. “They will?” he stated. “So, your American friend has associates with him?” Mueller asked, already knowing the answer. “Call him now!” he demanded in a louder voice. I don't think you need it. The ! already tells us that.



“In the chair!” he demanded, Jut used demanded.. Perhaps barked his order, pointing toward a kitchen chair near the window. Daria fearfully switch fearfully and Daria followed his directions and sat down heavily into the wooden chair. She knew that Monday would be rushing to find her and that he would be running into serious trouble. Mueller spotted a roll of heavy yarn lying in a pile of debris on the floor. He grabbed it and wound it around and around her hands tying them to the chair arms then did the same to her legs. He was very quick and efficient. He then dragged her over to the window and sat her sideways so that the profile of her upper body could be seen from the outside.

“We’re going to have a very quick talk about what you know comma and then I will leave you here unharmed. Is that clear?” *Paragraph*Daria shook her head in fear and for several minutes while she answered the killers questions.

“Until we meet again,” Mueller said, kissing her on the forehead. He pocketed the pistol and quietly left the room.

Daria was relieved that the man had left without harming her but worried about what was to come next. Obviously the documents were now of secondary importance to the thug. I think you could say something about her worrying about an ambush for Monday. Why else would the guy want her to call Monday to come?

Ms. J


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Review of On Reviewing  
Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The strongest aspect of this piece is the models. As an English teacher, I understand the importance of models in teaching. I feel that the purpose of your piece was to instruct, so the modeling is a very good way to accomplish that.

The categories are also a great way to get your point across. It helps the reader reference.

Overall, a very informative article, and well worth the read. Thanks for taking the time to write and post this. I personally appreciate this read.

Regards,
Ms. J
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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am not sure. Did he cheat on her? That was the way the poem read to me. If so, I think it is interesting that she wants him back so much. I like the thread that you have running through it about the importance of talking, and communicating about the problem. I see the phone as a symbol of that.

Regards,
Ms. J
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Review of Scars of Heaven  
Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this poem is interesting in that it starts out with the notion of nothingness. Then, it grows to something all consuming and never ending. I only have one suggestion and that would be to add an ' to heart's because the word is possessive. Nicely done.

Regards,
Ms. J
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I was confused by the first paragraph. Isn't her phobia about leaving the house? Tanith's behavior isn't very much like someone suffering from this problem. I would also suggest when you rewrite look at where you use had. Many times it isn't needed there. Also, there was one place where you switched from past to present tense.

On the other hand, you use a good metaphor with the mountain. That really drives home the point of the piece.

Regards,
Ms. J
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Part 13

April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden - Treff Alpenhotel Kronprinz

As soon as they pulled into the parking area comma Monday spotted Chester leaning on one of the second story balconies. The man had not changed since their last get together several years earlier and they hadn’t worked as a team for over eleven years.

*Cut*Chester was*Cut* a little over six feet tall,*Paste* about Monday’s height, but well built with strong bulging muscles and a crop of rusty brown hair peppered with gray strands. He was in his early forties but had the physique of someone ten years younger. As Monday’s executive officer, Chester had always displayed a cool and collective aura even in some very sticky and dangerous situations. He was not one to go off the deep end commaand he always measured twice and cut once. Unlike Monday, Chester had made a career of the Army and retired recently as a Lieutenant Colonel. He had not yet decided on a second career but often stated that he had put his twenty in comma and it was his wife Barbara’s turn to put her twenty in. Barbara had other thoughts about that, which she could only express into four letter words. Ha! I love it!

“Come on upcomma Cowboy!” Chester yelled, holding up a mug full of steaming coffee. The man was addicted to the stuff and drank about twenty cups a day. “And bring that ugly old Kraut and beautiful little lady up with you! Room right next to yours!”

“Ugly mein arse!” Henri yelled back, flipping a finger at Chester. “You’re nothing but an overblown retired has been.” Henri and Chester were very fond of each other.*Paragraph* Daria shook her head and muttered something that sounded like kinder.

As they entered Chester’s room comma the four other ex-Team members were standing at rigid attention. From left to right stood Kenny “The Scout” Carney, Graydon “Bones” Zanyk, Charlie “Weps” Lanier, and Mike “The Geek” Grace. Each one was wearing a paper helmet and an improvised nametag with Bastard Army printed on it. Cool Bastards was the unofficial name of the Special Forces A-Team they once belonged to.

“Very cute,” Monday remarked, glancing at their grinning faces. “I was worried for a while that you guys had gone serious on me. Happy to see you’re still the same bunch of bumbling idiots I once loved.”

“Give us a kiss Cowboy,” Carney said. “We’ve missed our mother hen too!” *Paragraph*Carney was tall and slim and had also retired from the Army as a Master Sergeant. Like Chester and the rest of them he was sporting a lot of silver at the temples but Monday could tell he was still in great shape. As an Army Scout comma he was the best. Carney could track a fart through a swamp at the blink of an eye. Great voice! He also knew how to spot traps in all kinds of terrain from improvised explosive devices to trip wires and pungi stakes. His handle on the team had been Scout.

Like Monday, Graydon Zanyk had gotten out of the Army after ten years and went to medical school. He was a successful MD and general practitioner but still had a lingering need for the danger he was often exposed as part of the Team. As the team’s medic, Bones knew more about their bodies than they did. Monday noticed that he was hiding a glass of whiskey behind him, he was very partial to Jack Daniels straight up. “For medicinal purposes Cowboy,” Bones said with a grin.

Next to Bones stood Charlie Lanier, a tall slim and serious minded man who was the youngest on the team topping out at thirty-five. He had been released from the Army under a medical discharge. He said an IED in Iraq had disagreed with him comma but he also insisted that the metal plate in his skull only made him a better man. Charlie was known as Weps, a short nickname for weapons. He was a small arms expert and could break down and put back together any rifle or pistol ever made by any country. He could also describe their nomenclature and firing characteristics. In addition, he was well versed in demolitions and was sniper qualified. Monday noticed that he had painted a goatee on his chin with a magic marker. This was obviously an attempt at oddball humor for which Weps was famous.{:blue} comma He had also been the team clown.

Last in line was Mike Grace. Mike had also gotten out of left the Army and became a very wealthy man in the computer industry. He had been the team’s communication’s expert but the word expert could never do him justice. He was an absolute genius on anything electronic and often had the men’s heads spinning with his highly technical jargon. That’s why the Team dubbed him The Geek, of which he was duly proud.

After introductions all around, Chester took Monday and Henri across the hall to another room. “Don’t want to wake up the sleeping babies,” he chuckled as he opened the door. Lying on a large queen sized bed was an small array of weapons.

There were six Heckler and Koch MP5 assault rifles. The name MP5 comes from the German "Maschinenpistole 5." It is the rifle of choice for most Special Forces around the world. There were also half a dozen SIG-Sauer P-226 pistols. The 226 is the king of the SIG-Sauer line, which many experts regard as the most wonderful of all the recent crop of "wonder-nines." Basically, the P-226 is the P-220 modified to accept a double-column magazine holding 15 rounds of 9mm Parabellum ammunition. Several 110 round drums were also laid out on the bed. Last comma but best of all was a Barrett M107 .50-caliber sniper rifle. A powerful rifle that could certainly reach out and touch someone.

“I see Major Reinhardt took good care of you,” Henri remarked, smiling at the pile of deadly weapons. One call from Henri to a friend in the German Special Forces was all it took.

“We have official German military documents noting that we are here for reserve training with Major Reinhardt’s unit,” Chester stated, “ Also stamped approval from the Bundespolizei to carry the weapons outside military areas.”

“Let’s get the team together in my room,” Monday stated. “Daria has provided us with a puzzle to solve and if we figure it out, twenty tons of pure gold is up for grabs.” Chester sucked in wind and let out a lingering whistle at the news. “Unfortunately, most of it will go to the German Government,” Monday continued. “That’s Daria’s demand for letting us in on the hunt. However, there will be an official finder’s fee of five percent of the official value of the gold, which still amounts to quite a sum. Daria is willing to split it in whatever way it takes in order to find the gold.”

“I’ll say,” Chester whispered. “Five percent of twenty tons of gold is still a lot of money.”

“More than you or your kids can spend in a lifetime,” Jean stated.

“You don’t know Barbara,” Chester blurted, rolling his eyes.

The team gathered in one room and started going over the clues in the documents together. A few hours later they still had not solved the mystery. “I need to go to my apartment and change clothes and freshen up,” Daria finally stated. “Perhaps you can solve the riddle before I get back?”

“Let me drive you,” Monday replied, standing up to retrieve his sport coat.

“I need the walk and the fresh air,” she returned. “It’s not very far at all and I do need to stop at the market and pick up a few items. I have a feeling we’ll be heading for Bad Tölz and I need to make arrangements with my landlord to take care of my birds, tweedle dee and tweedle dum.” Should these names be capitalized?

“Sounds like some people I know, period” Henri remarked with gave a crooked smile.

Monday looked across the small table at Chester who shrugged his beefy shoulders in a nonchalant manner. He was worried about Daria being by herself but he also didn’t want to upset her by showing her that he was worried his concern. He knew the representative of the Cultural Ministry was somewhere out there with the shady looking attorney comma and they had the original copy of the documents, but neither had shown any sign of hostility, at least not yet. And, until they proved otherwise, he had to assume they were also seeking the gold through avenues and resources of their own. He decided to at least escort her to the hotel lobby.


I love the tone to this chapter. It is fun, and you've done a good job of using characterization in this chapter.

Ms. J


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Part 12




Rounding a final sharp curve, Monday saw the historic hotel in the distance. The Hotel Zum Turken was close to the Berghof, which was Hitler's home at Obersalzberg. During the war commathe hotel was used as accommodation by the SS who guarded Hitler. Under the hotel was a series of tunnels and bunkers. Monday had been in them several times, both as a tourist and archeologist.

He could almost picture a column of SS guards marching up the road in immaculate uniforms. The small guardhouse to the right where once stood alert sentries was still there, changed little you might want to switch changed and little for flow. since the war.


Monday saw only two customers sitting at one of the tables, an elderly man and woman. A quick glance around produced found another customer sitting at the small bar in the corner. The man was half way through a large German beer.



“Just Daria,” she cut in. "Frau soon I hope. Wow! That's a bold statement to Monday. "Monday cast her a jaundiced eye at the curt remark. “Hitting the beer a little early Henri,” he stated? “Or is that a new Bundeswehr training program?”

“Was a time when we had beer for breakfast, you and I,” Henri smiled, raising his stein for another deep drink. “Guess now that you are out of the Army comma you’ve evolved into a civilian wuss.”



“Vas is wuss? Wuss my dear is a man who is no longer a man. A weakling, a groveling, a sniveling half man.” Henri was of medium height, close cropped hair going gray at the temples, and stoutly built, almost heavyset. He had a large blond moustache sprinkled with frostings of gray and his eyes were lively and cheerful like those of an imp. Add white hair, a white beard, and a few pounds and he would easily pass for Santa Claus.

“Thanks for the wonderful introduction, period” Monday smiled, raising his hand for the server to bring him a beer. “The first thing old warriors do when they meet after a long time is the rooster walk,” he said to Daria. “It’s a way to prove that age and disability has not impaired their high level of machismo.”


After noting that the elderly couple had turned out to be the Inn’s owners and retreated to the kitchen, Monday nodded to Daria to pull the papers from her purse and show them to Henri. “These are copies of the originals found in the hem of Paula Hitler’s burial dress,” he stated. “We recovered them with the help of an attorney and a representative of the Minister of Culture/Antiquities. They have the originals.”



“Twenty tons in gold bullion,” he whispered, suddenly wide awake. “Do you have any idea how many Euros that is?”

“Yes we do, period” Monday smiled. “But we need help following the clues that give the directions.”




“We know where to start the search,” Henri corrected. “This bit about Mr. Hunter and Caesar’s blood is confusing. We may have to call your old friend from the funny farm, Ted Wrigley on this one.” Ted Wrigley was a member of British Intelligence who had worked with Monday and Henri on several covert missions. I don't know that you need this last sentence. It is already implied.




“The Molester,” Henri beamed. “You got the Molester mit you here now? That is good. I always liked Chester. He is cool and calm, as you Americans say. Not a hot head like you comma Monday.” Henri threw several Euros on the bar and said farewell to the owners. He led them to the dark Mercedes in the parking area. “Old but dependable,” he remarked as he pulled out of the parking area and headed down the steep road.


I like the character of Henri. You were able to tell much of the history without getting dry and dull. Using his character to do it was a good choice.

Have a great evening!

Shalisse

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
April 25, 2012 – The Vatican



“Please be seated,” the old Cardinal stated, with a gentle sweep of his aging hand. He was sitting in a small room with the heavy drapes closed. The only source of light came from a dim lamp in the corner of the ancient room. His intelligent eyes gazed at the young man noting the barely controlled eagerness and underlying piety he possessed. It had taken strong persuasion from the Hochmeister of his particular order to include him in the Cardinal’s delicate plans.

“You have been briefed on what is expected of you?”

“Yes commaYour Immanence,” the young priest returned with a curt reply.

“You are aware of the significance of your mission and the extreme consequences of failure?”

“Yes comma Your Immanence.”

“Have you any questions or personal reservations about the mission?”

“No comma Your Immanence.’

“May the grace of God go with you comma my son, period” the Cardinal finished with a flourishing sign of the cross over the man’s head. The young priest stood, bowed deeply and quietly left the room.

“And may God forgive me,” the aging Cardinal thought, bending his head in prayer.

Just a few comma suggestion in this one. Uh, oh! A cardinal is willing to go the dramatic lengths. This does not bode well for Monday and Daria.

Shalisse


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden Germany



“Idiot!” the Minister yelled, spraying spittle from his lips. Good visual “I said to look for the documents not tear the place apart.”

Antiquities/Cultural Assistant Minister Bruno Schäfer was fuming fumed in anger. He had sent a man to look for the copy of the documents he had given gave to Daria Wolff comma but the man had made a complete mess of things. He had torn tore her apartment to pieces in his stupid but commafruitless search. Now the girl and American would know that someone was interested in their copy of the papers.

“What do we do?” asked attorney Ancel Burkhard, looking sheepishly at the minister.

“Our little problem will be solved soon,” Bruno replied with a smile. “My special contact will be arriving from Salzburg on the train this afternoon. Unlike this idiot, he will not fail.”

Bruno threw a small wad of Euros at the man and told him to get out of the car. He then You could switch he and then for structure variety. hit the accelerator leaving the man standing on the sidewalk.


Good way to add tension. It is short but effective!

Shalisse

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Review by Ms. J
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
April 25, 2012 – Berchtesgaden - Treff Alpenhotel Kronprinz


“I was up early and had little to do,” she replied. “From here I live not far Are you meaning this to sound like an awkward English speaker. and figured the early morning walk would do me good.”

“Have you had breakfast?”

“Like you Americans we are not, Again, sounding like a rough translation. I thought the were speaking German to one another. If she chose to speak English this morning you should say something about that when she comes in. In a previous chapter you said she wanted to speak in German.” she replied with a smile. “We do not consume a dozen eggs, half a pig and mountains of pancakes for breakfast. I had a Brötchen and some jam.”

Monday glanced down at his overflowing plate and grinned back at her. Years of military service had honed him to the point that a hefty breakfast was as normal as could be. You never knew when your next meal was coming while on a missioncomma so the Boy Scout motto was strongly adhered to.

“Good news,” he stated, looking directly into her beautiful blue eyes. They were the kind of dreamy eyes he could get lost in forever. “Chester called. He managed to get four other Team members to join him and they will be landing at the Munich Airport around five this afternoon. Another team member, Alex Taco Bender Colon, fun names is standing by in Panama. Three will join us here in Berchtesgaden while Chester and Weps visit some old Special Forces friends to obtain some items they couldn’t possibly carry on a commercial flight.”



*Paste*You have a soft touch for rough characters,” Daria stated. “*Cut*For a mild mannered Professor of Archeology.*Cut* What’s next, a general from the LĂ©gion Ă©trangère?”


“By skumming of the top as you American’s put it?”

“Not skumming, skimming. Just a little skim that will not even be missed, period” Monday smiled. “For those who risk a lot to help us. Do you have the copies that the Antiquities Minister gave you?

Cheers,
Ms. J
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Review of The Prince  
for entry "Tyset I: Chapter 1
Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: The Prince
Chapter reviewed: Tyset I Chapter 1
User name: Red Mage


Plot:
Tyset wants to get a tattoo. We also learn about her mother's death.

Characters:
I think you characters are developing. Their actions and dialog are fleshing them out.

Grammar:
Several comma issues, and a run-on sentence.

Style/voice:
The sentence structure was a real issue for me. In some places it makes the flow cumbersome, especially the first few paragraphs. I did mark one paragraph that was done well.

Setting:
I was confused by the time of year. So far, I pictured winter but you said something about autumn.
Interesting cultural addition of the tatts. That help create the flavor of this world.

Overall:
You've got a good set up here and showed the opposite situations of the boy from the first chapters and girl in this one. I think you have a good plot line going. It will be interesting to see how the two stories come together.

Regards,
Ms. J
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Review by Ms. J
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
April 25, 2012 – Munich Germany



Dominic was waved through passive voiceMunich customs as soon as he reached for his passport. The German inspectors knew him quite well and also knew that the Archeological Convention was still in full swing. An internationally famous Anthropologist like Doctor Prestano was a man to be cultivated and pampered because of the endless connections he had at his fingertips. A single word from the good Doctor could make or break almost anyone’s career.

As he exited the airport a dark SUV quickly pulled up to the curb comma and his man got out and stood up so Dominic would know who it was. He Which he the driver or Dominic threw his skimpy bag into the back seat of the SUV and hefted himself up into the front seat.

“The American is still in his hotel room at the Treff Alpenhotel Kronprinz and the girl is staying at her apartment on Bergwerkstrasse. You know German better than I, is it two words?They had dinner together last night but did not spend the night together.”


Sorry. I only got to one chapter tonight. It's a busy week. I've got short stories coming in from my students, so I'm swamped with paperwork.

Anyway, I'm still enjoying this. It's kind got a Dan Brown vibe going. It is interesting and keeping my attention.

Regards,
Ms. J
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Review by Ms. J
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
April 24, 2012 – Berlin Germany



Helmut Mueller was in a coffee shop on Bahnshofstrasse waiting for a call from an important client. He was in his late thirties, and over two meters tall with short-cropped hair. comma He had a nasty scar running down his left cheek from his eyebrow to his upper lip, which puckered the lip giving him a perpetual lopsided look. Good visual He was also comma, he recently cashiered from the German Army under dishonorable conditions. He considered himself a professional soldier and thoroughly despised the present German government. After twenty-two years service in one of the most demanding units in the world, they let him go.

Muller was the grandson of a high ranking Nazi officer who served under Herr Wolfram Sievers the Reich Manager of the Ahnenerbe and an SS StandartenfĂ¼hrer. He was also the son of a disgusting weasel of a man who called himself German. Mueller was deep into the Neo I'm not sure, should this have a - ? Nazi movement and considered himself a pure Aryan. Short of money and in desperate need, he had been selling his special services to those who could pay the most. A sudden ring from his cell phone rewarded his vigil.


Mueller smiled at the thought of the Eagle’s Nest. His beloved hero had once lived there. He also learned that his contact point was in Berchtesgaden, a place he enjoyed visiting. He opened his cell phone again to find out the next available flight to Salzberg, the closest airport to his destination. Two sentences in a row started with he.

I played with some of the sentence structure to add variety. Feel free to roll your eyes and ignore it. I really liked the exchange between Mueller and his client. That was well done.

Shalisse

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Review by Ms. J
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
April 24, 2012 – New Jersey, USA



“Ain’t gonna happen!” Barbara yelled, throwing her hands up and shaking them like a bird doing a weird exotic mating dance. “You haven’t worked with Captain Stiehl in eleven years comma and now he wants you to follow him half way across the damn world? Ain’t gonna happen!”


“Point one, it’s a Team thing and point two, it’s Stiehl,” he stated. How? calmly?

Barbara knew she couldn’t deal with the ‘Team’ thing. The Team had always stuck together in thick and thin while on active duty, and now that most of them were retired, they still stuck together like glue. If any member of the Team needed something, the others busted their butts to help. As for Stiehl, she knew that Chester would lay down his life for the man, just as Monday had almost done for him on several missions. But she had to get her swing in, otherwise it was un-American. Ha! Great quip!

Interesting character development in this chapter. We learn about not only the two characters in this chapter, but how they interact with some of the others.

Regards,
Shalisse


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Review of Itzpapalotl  
Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Comments:
After his TV dinner, George went through his usual routine. He cleaned his already clean house and locked his already locked doors. Checked to make sure his doors were locked? And no new paragraph here.

George crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep a content man.

You've done a wonderful job of using description. The scene is clearly laid out before the reader. I also like the twist at the end.

This is a creative story. I enjoyed the read.
Regards,
Ms. J

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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I think that this piece will be easy for many reader to relate too. As our parents get older and we watch them change, we all have to deal with the loss of their youth. In some cases, that loss may be harder to take than the loss of our own youth. I like that you celebrated the days of his youth, and the important lesson he taught you.

Regards,
Ms. J

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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is very sentimental. I really like the theme, and especially like that the speaker is not going to give up. This piece speaks to my heart. Alzheimer's runs in my family and I am terrified of forgetting my husband. Your piece gives me hope. Thank you for that.

Regards,
Ms. J

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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Comments:
The Last Knight

PROLOGUE:
He had a fairly strong army, but that didn’t make a difference against Kargaon. Jiju was a lot like ancient Rome as far as territorial gains. comma And King Kyle lost it all in one month.





*Chapter 1*



It was chaos everywhere. Dead bodies scattered all over the battle field. As Travis stepped over all the bodies comma he only saw a couple of his comrades still fighting. There were two soldiers trying to take him out. He decapitated one and slashed the other's leg. "Time to die," he growled and shoved the sword in his heart.*Paragraph* Here is where you switch from past to present tense. He spins around and stabs another one in his abdomen. But, there were still over two-hundred plus soilders left from Kargoan. "Surrender now or die!" the Lieutenant screams."We might let you go home peacefully," he announced.



“No, I won’t,” Travis says. “I take my chances, period

“Very well then, you’ll just have to pay the price, period








The King was a fairly big man with red hair and was quite greedy also. Kargoan was on of the most poor countries in the region. But with all the money they put in the military, they were also one of the strongest military-wise. tense shift As the guards lead Travis into the room, the turns around to face them. "Well, Well," the king mutters. "Look who's here," he mocks.






As he sits in the cell, he wonders how he's going to get out of the castle and get back home. He covers every thing he can think of. He thinks of killing the guards when they open the dungeon and even trying to get out through the window. He comes up with nothing and is just reduced to sitting there waiting to die. Later that day his cell is open and a light man was thrown in the dungeon. He is unconsious and looks as though he been beaten. As soon as the guard closes the door the man begins to heal himself. He starts with his broken arm and finishes with the gash in his head. interesting twist



"Bartz," he answers. "I'm a mage from Kargoan," he explains "We were are trying to overthrow our corrupt kingdom, period"




"Then it's settled," Travis agrees. "We can try when they send us food, period"





You've got a good start. You've got some action and shown us the conflict. Don't switch between tenses, from past to present. My advice is to write it all in past tense- it already happened. I would also try to vary your speech tag. You use the same ones over and over. Instead of said or replied, you can add action that shows the reader what the speaker is doing.

With some clean up, this could be a great start to a larger project!

Regards,
Ms. J

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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Comments:

The child was happy. Well comma at least by her own definition she was happy.

She was holding a balloon and she kept looking up at it every few seconds just to confirm that it was still where she had seen it last. At the end of a string, almost as long as her, fluttering in the wind. incomplete sentence


It was a cherry red balloon. For the child though comma it was a red balloon. She didn’t yet know how to distinguish between the different nuances of colour. But were she of an age where this distinction could be made, she would have observed its bright candy redness. For now though commashe knew it was a red balloon and it was hers.


“Yes comma it is darling. It’s your red balloon.” Her mother replied.



It was a bright sunny day. The kind of day that made you happy just to be alive. Where the promise of things to come, good things to come, seemed more than possible. These past two sentences are incomplete sentences. It seemed certain. Even tough a slight wind had picked up, the wind offered some coolness to the heat provided by the big star in the sky.


“Yes comma it is. You make sure you hang on tight to the balloon or it will fly away.” The mother said.



“Yes comma they do. Birdies fly high up in the sky.”


None the less comma the balloon was no longer within her reach.

The wind would carry the balloon high up in the sky. comma And suddenly the child started to cry.

“It’s ok comma darling. Don’t cry. We’ll get another balloon. Would you like that?”


“Yes comma you are. But not that little and the wind could never take you away from me.”

In response to the certainty she could hear in her mother’s words and see in her mother’s face, the child gave her mother a strong embrace. A squeeze comma as she liked to call it. And by anyone else’s standards it was not a bear hug, it was only a mild embrace, considering that the child was after all only a small child and only as strong as small children are.


“Yes comma I am, and you’re my daughter” The mother said, whilst pulling away from the child’s embrace in order to better look at her face. She wanted to assure herself that all was well in the child’s world.

I like how this piece is realistic and told through the eyes of the child. Many people will be able to relate to the story. We've all lost a balloon or two in our lives. I also like the last line, the child was happy.

Regards,
Ms. J

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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
In this piece, the emotions of the speaker come through clearly. It is evident that this relationship took a long time to come about. It is also evident that the speaker is feeling peace as a result to this long search. I really don't have any suggestions for improvement. Instead, I gave you the way I read it.

Regards,
Ms. J

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Review by Ms. J
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece is a good tribute to a wonderful coach. I like the way you describe the coach and use her actions to show her personality. She exemplifies several qualities that are important for any coach to have. I also like that you included the lesson that the team learned from her. I hope you were able to share this with her.

Regards,
Ms. J

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