Congratulations on winning this review through "Invalid Item"
This story started out with hope and love for a young girl in the process of being adopted. As the story progressed, I had a heavy heart for this poor little girl and all her trials and tribulations with her new mother.
Her character unfolded well, but could have been expanded a little more. I also felt that the other characters could have played a bigger role to support the story even further. Here twin sister for example, was only mentioned briefly through description. Their relationship could have come out through dialogue. This would also be normal for the youngest child, who only appeared much later in the story.
The continuity is good in parts, but once again, could be enhanced by expansion or a smoother changeover of time periods.
The overall story is a good read and had me emotional throughout. The end tied up many loose ends nicely, gave messages of relationships and showed how ones actions always come back to haunt in the future.
I believe with a little editing, this story could be enhanced even further.
I enjoyed the read! Maybe you could explain to me the sub-genre description of 'experience' to me?
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
You need to sort out your spacing earlier on in the piece.
Give more time and space to secondary characters and scene setting.
I'm not sure I've ever thought about where non-Christians go after death. We're not even sure where Christians end up - we just have a vision of places they might.
Maybe you could ask voters to explain their voting options or give other ones.
This item poses a huge question! What is love? I think it's open to interpretation, as each one of us sees it in a different way.
I would start as you have with the question, but leave it on a separate line, so that readers can ponder on it.
Your subsequent reply, needs to be more generic. ie. Is it knowing that the person you care about will call you that night and you two will talk for hours? Might flow better as: Is it knowing that someone you care about will call you? Leave it open to interpretation to get the reader's imagination flowing.
Your next statement Is it the feeling so such extreme helplessness and distress after has a typo. But might read better as Is it the feeling of extreme helplessness and distress.... This line would be better further on. I would concentrate on the positive sides before the negative sides of love.
You have made some interesting points further in the text, but some of the messages are lost due to long lines. Try to break them up more and give each point/explanation its individual merit. Also, try to sort out your ideas in a good flow pattern that would lead on from the previous, rather than be separated into various thoughts strung together.
You also have numerous typos throughout the text. Read it carefully and correct them.
Check your tenses too, as they are mixed throughout the text.
I think you have some valid points and they would work well with just a little editing!
Good luck and get back to me if you need any further clarification.
This one reminded me so much of days gone by...and yes, I'm now a non smoker.
Your lines were very descriptive and the imagery brought back too many bad memories...that's probably a good thing, as I'll think carefully about every smoking again.
Although it made me giggle too, its serious message came through loud and clear!
I found your lyrics very inspirational and full of deep faith and the title reflects the contents well.
The flow was good, but I believe you could possibily add another verse, instead of repeating the first one, so that you can carry forward the idea of your deep love for your saviour.
The chorus is memorable, but once again, I would maybe use just the first part, then possibly utilize the second part as part of a further verse.
The bridge is also good and expands on the spirituality of the song.
What sort of music were you thinking of. It could work in a gospel type song or even a folk ballad for me. What do you feel?
This poem is raw, open and very honest. You have given me an insight into your life, with all it's problems and experiences.
The stanza lengths are good and staccato in nature, reflecting the experiences you had.
The end then comes full circle and gives a positive message of forgiveness, love and living life to the full.
I wish you continued happiness and thank you for sharing this poem.
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
Have a look where capitalization could be improved. Not all new lines need it.
Taking away by careless decisions Typo. It should be...Taken away...
drove insane by my children Typo. Should be...driven insane...
Almost to the point of institution Typo...should be ..institutionalization..but it's a bit awkward.. maybe you could say it in another way...eg...point of being institutionalized..??
Regrets does not reside in me Typo. Should be ...Regrets do no...
I saw your story highlighted in the Short Story Newsletter and I'm glad I read it!
It has some lovely descriptions and imagery. The underlying messages of love, strength and believe in miracles were reflected throughout, whilst at the same time unfolding the character of this young boy!
The end is inspirational yet sad.
A good short read, which deserved the ribbon it won!
Frankies Girl
ps. Some edits could enhance the piece further..eg. the tense and sentence structure. But the message came across the same.
This is in response to your request for a review through "Black Case Experience Cafè"
Great opening lines which intrigued and urged me to go on to find out what was happening. I'm so glad I did!
This story is an absolute gem of a read.
You have some great background information, and reveal the characters with a strong, narrative voice.
You have some excellent continuity and the flashbacks work a treat to take the story forward.
I found myself wishing along with Ellie and feeling her emotions throughout. I was on the edge of my chair towards the end! Wow!
The ending was just perfect..
A thoroughly enjoyable read! Well done! You definitely have talent! Go there!
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
making mental notes of everything that needed done. Should be ...everything that needed doing... or everything that needed to be done.
Her mother tried in vain to persuade her to come home for Christmas, and then finally relented. This line follows on from the above, but it seems out of place, as I thought you'd already moved on to after the phone call from your descriptions. You need to edit it to make the imagery clearer.
She cranked up the stereo with their favorite Christmas CD. Misleading imagery. CD's don't usually work on old cranked up stereos.
Timid and shy, she’d tried to hide her lanky frame behind her parents. You need an apostrophe after parents...comparing her frame to theirs.
in embarrassment when she caught a teenaged boy staring at her. Should be teenage also further in the text.
They each dated other people and even got serious a time or two. Might flow better as..serious once or twice.
She opened the door to find two men in uniform. Dear God, NO! She barely heard them as they explained that Jason was missing. His helicopter had crashed.. This news is tragic, it needs time and imagery to give a slow motion effect of the news..maybe a slight edit? It seems rushed at the moment.
made it to the bed before she gave up. She spent the remainder of the day drifting in and out of sleep and tears. She heard the phone ring a few times, but didn’t bother to answer. This seems a little off...surely she would rush to answer it in case their was any news of Jason?
A very profound and personal piece of writing BrokenSoul.
One which examines the two parts of one soul, one being, one sad person.
The questions and imagery are excellent and your last affirmation brings home the tragic realization that both entities within the one body are constantly battling for power and freedom from many complicated emotions.
Thanks for being so honest in your writing!
Frankies Girl
ps. Because of the contest in the last stanza, I believe this should be rated 13+ at least.
When I first read this I believed that the descriptions of that person you dreaded was just imagery used to put over the emotions of fear itself and likening them to an entity.
When I finished the piece, I realized who this person truly was. The stark truth hit me smack in the face!
The imagery, the emotions, the descriptions and scene setting, all joined to put fear in me..I got into the shoes of the narrator and main character!
The last line ended the piece perfectly, summing up and justifying those terrible feelings!
A very thought provoking piece, which also covers anger as an underlying theme.
Well this piece definitely tells of disillusionment, betrayal and loss of trust...all from a POV of unrequited love.
The message of hurt comes through strongly throughout as you unfold the events of this personal love story that went wrong.
Your imagery and play on the words... the thing between us... worked well and showed the different stages of that 'thing' and how it changed throughout the relationship.
An interesting piece written from the heart!
Thanks for sharing.
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
Check where punctuation and capitalization could be improved.
You need to rate this piece and also its intro.
It seems that you've written in free verse, and though the stanzas are not even in length it works well.
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