You certainly know how to sell a product...you've sold me on metaphors.
I've tried to avoid them in my writing, but I think you've opened up my mind like a huge case of worms ready to become fish food...oopps..I meant given me some interesting though processes here...I'm still practicing!
The piece itself was witty, full of good examples and with a strong narrative voice!
Well this certainly is interesting, but as you say, has The Last Sumurai movie feel.
I think your imagery and scene setting is fascinating and I'm sure you can turn it around to something very original and different from the above mentioned film.
You also left the prologue at a very interesting point, which would urge the reader to dig deeper in to the book.
Just a few nitpicks:
Check your tense and sentence structure throughout.
Also, did you write this purposely from the narrator's POV as a Japanese speaking English? It has that feel.
This sounded on the first reading, a description of a love story.
I then realized it was about friendship as per your description. I guess friendship is a love story of sorts - between two friends who care deeply for each other.
You stanzas are short but show the deep pain this break caused you in your time of need - your sub genre states it's personal.
I was allowed inside your emotions from your imagery and felt the pain you felt and the apprehension of being friends again with this person.
Your final affirmation shows strength and maturity in your new way of being.
I found no mistakes and the free verse worked well.
An excellent Monologue, which took me into the desperate mind of a loving wife, who is trying her best to support her husband.
The message of a wife's love and support comes over strongly, but so does the suffocation and need to escape or at least be relieved of this inflicted duty and pain.
A mother's love is also present throughout, as is the need to protect offspring.
The whole piece gave an deep insight into this family and though the end was inspirational for an instant, the emotions felt earlier in the piece, come back full circle.
Thanks for sharing this open and honest piece of writing.
This is a very touching piece. You have given good descriptions and told a story of this love that is waiting to be fulfilled.
The scene setting is good and I felt the emotions of the main character.
The flow and stanza lengths were just right and the repitition of the first stanza as the last one, worked well completed the imagery of the neverending circle of waiting.
Thanks for sharing.
Frankies Girl :-
Suggestion:
when its time to walk you to the door. Typo. It should be.. when it's time to...
You have a nice beginning here for your children's story.
I like the plot and some of the descriptions.
I think you could try to read it out aloud and see how you feel about what you hear. Some descriptions could be spiced up and less passive. Try to show more than just tell what is happening.
I could see this become a lovely little piece, so good luck with any edits. Let me know if you do change anything and I'll have another look. Also, keep an eye on your grammar and punctuation.
This is certainly short, but gives a whole heap of imagery.
The opening line conjures up a female who is content with seeing the things only she wants to and blocking out the rest. Her smile, is like a mask to the outer world though.. which might hide her true feelings.
The male character seems disillusioned with this fact and continues to observe the female.
The mystery of the relationship is open to interpretation and the second stanza is almost the revenge for him not being the centre of attention - hurt is bestowed on her to make her feel loss and pain...
An unusual piece, which showed enough to entice the imagination.
This is just the kind of thought process I love to see...I truly believe in forgiving, forgetting and moving on as I close that door of experience.
You have definitely given that imagery here and the flow of the whole piece shows your strong belief in these words! Good choice of words for the most impact of your message.
The end line...just says it all about that person...
As you said in your description, this is a sad little ditty.
I found a piece that wasn't quite in line with its rhyming scheme, but had lots of imagery that depicted a man who regretted some of his life and cherised others.
The scene setting carried it along by use of flashbacks and although his death seemed imminent, he was at peace.
An unusual read.
Frankies Girl
Suggestion:
I'm not sure why you've chosen a sub genre of romance/love? Did you mean relationship?
I found this piece very profound. You've managed to use single words or very short word strings, to convey a multitude of scenes, which go together to build some imagery of the main person in it.
There are so many pieces to this puzzle and sadness in these experiences.
At the moment you've got the whole piece as one long stanza. It might work better divided into several which would enhance the imagery even further.
What a deep poem. Welcome to Writing.Com. I found your piece on Read A Newbie.
This was definitely written from the heart and I've gotten inside this character's shoes, as she watches and waits for a love which can never be hers. The emotions and questions in her mind come over strongly, and I can almost touch her despair and disillusion.
Good flow and good progression of thoughts, scene setting and descriptions.
The end left me open to imagining how the singer made his choices and whether he even noticed the main character/narrator.
An excellent piece of writing. Just one little nitpick, maybe you could separate the poem into various stanzas to enhance the impact of her thoughts even further. Also I don't believe the brackets in the 6th line are necessary.
I just loved this one..Some excellent scene setting, imagery and descritions throughout.
I especially loved the nine-foot blown-glass candy-striped flagpole which I could relate to very well.
This section of story..I definitely have to read the rest..unfolded slowly but surely. It reflected for me the nature and character of Bill Williamson. I could smell those smells and feel that air of excitement of the sale and bargains to be found. All those things seems to unite and become part of his very being.
The dialogue was very realistic and obviously typical of the region. And the end? Well that was just a gem!
Thanks for sharing and lots of luck with booksales!
You've posed a problem and set about solving it through your imagery and narrative voice.
The descriptions are quite good, but might be enhanced by using less passive ones. The story unfolded at just the right pace and kept me interested throughout.
I enjoyed the read and loved the ending!
Thanks for sharing!
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
{c}The list was pretty short, and looking at it, I couldn't believe one of them took my ticket. This would flow better as......couldn't believe that one of them would have taken my ticket... to follow with the tense structure.
It would enhance the imagery and make for easier reading if you separated the piece into various paragraphs.
Thoughts stand out better in italics.. I hung up thinking I'll show them when I waltz in there to claim my prize.
I decided to invite everyone over this evening to find out who the guilty party might be. I called and invited them over this evening for dinner, and all but John accepted. These sentences need editing.. you've repeated the imagery with the same words to closely...eg..this evening... also a little further down.. you've done the same repeat. Maybe you could edit out ...this evening...there too.
Check on where grammar/sentence construction could be improved in some parts. eg. accusing my family and friends as being theives..should be of being thieves..
My sister reached over and pulled something off the bottom of my show. I'm not sure what ..show.. is?
First of all, heartfelt condolences for your sad loss.
The poem emotionally describes a beautiful relationship with a dearly loved mother, who has been taken away.
I felt your pain throughout, but hope you will try to heal by remembering the beauty of having such a wonderful mother, and keep the special moments you shared in your mind and heart for ever. This will allow her to live on in you.
This is an admiral tribute to your much loved husband, which can be appreciated by all too!
The little things are truly the most beautiful to enjoy, and we do take them for granted every now and again.
Your list has lots of good imagery and emotion and I can see you are proud of your man!
Thanks for sharing!
Frankies Girl
ps. Just one suggestion. Maybe you could shorten the lines a little, by separating them and also turning them into two or three stanzas. I think it would make for easier reading. What do you think?
This is such a sad, yet inspirational dream in the form of a poem.
You have told your story very well, and have allowed me to be drawn into the vivid emotions described there. I was there beside you every step of the way.
You have touched on many parts of history too of your people, and I believe that readers will empathize with you, but also take away a message of a proud and strong person, as well as a brave and free spirit! These attributes might also inspire the reader into looking at their own lives.
Thanks for sharing. It was a wonderful reading experience!
Frankies Girl
ps. There are some grammar errors throughout, but I don't feel they take away from the beauty of the piece.
pss. The images at the end do not show.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and was swept along with you!
Great descriptions and imagery! Yours emotions come over well, and the flow is just perfect - like the music and time almost standing still in your piece!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
ps. Think about adding sub genre descriptions to entice more views and ratings!
You certainly have talent in writing short fiction and keeping the reader - me - guessing until the end.
The story flowed quite well, but could have done with a pinch more action - 'show' not 'tell'. Some of your descriptions, though giving good imagery, seemed like a list instead of getting the reader involved as much as possible.
Having said that, I found it an entertaining read and loved the ending.
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
Maybe you could utilize your sub genre descriptions to entice more views.
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