I like this poem a lot and I'm not quite sure why.
It is written very well, the stanzas follow a pattern,
and you have no typos or grammatical errors which can cause the reader grief. There is a mysterious air about this poem, and a touch of magic, and a suggestion of a belief in things happening for a reson such usually is indicative of some theistic position.
The poem uses very simple language to suggest so much.
I can visualize the forest path, and your finding the
sea shell, and picking it up and looking at it. Do you know why someone might know that you needed it:
Do you know why you put IT in all capital letters?
Good description of addiction, and it paraphernaleia.
This should be put on the walls of every school in the country. I can't believe the damage addiction does.
You treat it here as it is, a lie; and you treat it with a certain amount of compassion, as one should any
disease. When I count my blessings, I count the fact
that I never became addicted to hard drugs.
You did a very nice job here! Almost lovely, certainly
perfect (if anything is perfect, but that is another discussion).
This is a well-crafted poem about, essentially, a man who feels his love so intensely for his wife that he fears he will never be able to tell her.
The poem starts "My love is a clenches fist" and I must say that when I first read that line I feared that he wanted to kill her. After that. however, the true meaning of the poem becomes clear, and he is terrified that he will never be able to unclench his fist and tell her his true feelings.
Why all these so up-tight images? Tightly woven heart,
feelings that "bite and thrash" for expression -- a have never seen so much anger in a love poem, and I am not sure that I think it works. I feel as though I want to say "get a grip on yourself and then write the poem." The poet's talent and knowledge of the craft is evident. Keep writing!
Before I forget, the first "world" in the first line I think can be omitted.
This is a sad poem, but it also asking all the right
questions. "A whimper for help is seldom heard" is
all too true, and especially after the Katrina catastophe it hits home even harder.
I know know if or when it wil end. There have always been wars through out recorded history, and I surely so not see them stopping now. If we could stop the drug and alcohol abuse, it would be a start.
This is a very likable piece on the subject of science vs. theology. It's funny as well as profound. Your ending is wonderful!
I also like the great gathering; each of these gods is
believable, you have each pretty much in character (I have an objection to your portrayal of the Ayatollah Khomeni, and I also oject to Einstein), and certainly in great fun. What makes this piece so priceless are the last three lines.
This is a very well-written essay in the form of a Letter to God. Your image of the weeping willow tree brought tears to my eyes; it is so perfect, and the weeping willow is the tree I have identified myself with all my life.
The letter seems to me a very honest questioning of what is happening to you, and surly the solitude of the religious life is difficult, especially at first, and has trials from time to time. Those of us out in the world have crises of faith; so do the religious.
Personally, I feel that this letter is beautiful in its honesty, and in its asking for God's help. I can, therefore, think of no way to make it better, nor of any commentary to help you to make it "better". It is fine as it is.
This is a rhyming, free-verse poem that reminds us of all the times we could have done so-and-so, said such-and-such, but did not. We all have those moments and
this poem serves to remind us
I like the poem, and the rhyme scheme, but even with free verse you need to have some semblance rhythm, and
To me, several lines are very awkward: "When-in the heat of the moment-your heart fights" is one. "If you had finally stood and said, not hide" is another. In
this line you change verb tenses. The last four lines
read very awkwardly to me.
I suggest you might go over this poem carefully and omit every extraneous word, and where you have used two when one would do, use one. Polish, polish, polish, and then you will have not only a better poem, but a good one!
If you do decide to rewrite it, let me know and I will
gladly re-review it for you. You obviously have talent; now you need to hone your craft.
As it happens, I also love chickens. My Daddy raised
chickens when I was little and I learned to defeather them and prepare them for cooking (after he kiled them). What are really great are the Rhode Island Red
chickens, because they have red feathers, and there are
some people here in the South where I live now (but I'm a Yankee!) who have beautiful chickens -- the most pbeautiful chickens I have ever seen. They have different colored feathers; they strut and preen and are very proud. You should come see these. They will
boggle your mind!
I like your article, although I do not know what prompted it, but I think it does contain a few errors.
Chickens will not fit in your pocket unless they are baby chickens, just a week or so hatched. Also, they do have diseases. I'm wondering what the name of the town you live in is, and what building you are referring to. Could this be the Sears tower?
You should some comedic talent, and your grammar and
structure are fine. I think if you keep writing you are going to do well, particularly in comedy. This is a good beginning!
This is one fine short story. Every word is crafted perfectly, and the overall effect is first one of a single parent who lost the wife he loves, then the danger apparent in his left arm aching and the ensuing accident with the trailer, and the dramatic rescue by means of a cell phone and his daughter; The miraculous appearance of his wife is thoroughly believable as it is written here, and the story ends in joy. The pacing has been perfect.
The reader goes through many emotions while reading this, at least this reader did, and from the giggles of Rebecca to the help of his mother after the death of his wife, Mary, to the trailer falling over on him and the 911 sirens and paramedics, the presence of his ex-wife, and his prognosis of health this is just one
wonderful read!
This well-crafted story of foster care and how the state can step in and rule everyone's life leaves me with several questions. I am familiar with the defects of the foster care system, since several people I know are involved with it on various levels.
Often it is unfair.
I like the way you have broken up the way the State moves in: "Knock, knock." What puzzles me most is the
61 year old with a 14 year sentence, unless you mean this metaphorically as a sentence to not see Abby; but that is not the idea I get from reading the piece. The
only other way I can explain it is that the man, Bill, went beserk in the court when the judge handed down the verdict and was jailed for contempt of court, but 14 years would be a very long sentence for that charge.
This is, if course, a heart-breaking story of a little girl shuffled around between her druggie mother and her foster parents, one set of whom really love her very much. It is sad. Very sad. It happens constantly, and you have written this story in a creative and interesting way.
I also cannot visualize in my mind one of these characters, with the exception perhaps of this darling
little girl. I have no clue as to Janet and Bill, nor the other people involved. They are abstractions to me. I find this disconcerting.
I thing you have a very good story in the making, but I honestly think you need more details and explanation to satisfy the reader. At least this reader.
Remember, I am only one reviewer out of many, and this is only my opinion; you will hopefully receive many others. Ultimately it is YOUR story. I am simply pointing out what I think are the strengths and weaknesses here. I hope you rewrite it some. If you do, I would be glad to review it again.
You have the beginnings of the beginning of a good story here. The first thing that you need to do is to
put this in proper English grammatical format. Starting with the first two sentences. "The wind was howling outside, the wind was blowing the trees from side to side with." This is, of course, very simple to fix. Remove the comma, add and, and omit "with".
You have several sentences in this condition. I don't
know whether you just wrote this quickly as it came to you or what, but you need to go back through it and
correct what needs to be corrected. I don't think there is very much.
You have, of course, built the reader's expectations up and every reader will want to know what the change is that effects Daniel so much. Even I want to know, so I hope that you post more of this story soon. You are doing fine. Just keep writing!
This is a very interesting piece on what can and does happen in chat rooms. I know people who have done it, and almost the way you describe. It's when they move to meet in person that the real test comes.
Your sense of dialogue is very good. So is the way you have set this up, and the interaction between the two characters. If you had capitalized words that begin a sentence, if you had even been consistent in the nohn-capitalization, I would not mark the review down. But I frankly feel that it not only needs a spell check, it needs to be gramatically gone over word by word, sentence by sentence. You have a fine story here, and one with a happy ending at that. Why not make the presentation professional?
I honestly hope that you do re-do this to some form of consistency. The piece is so good it deserves it!
This would make a wonderful children's poem, I think.
It has an adorable quality to it, and a reassuring one, and I think most children would really like it.
You have done well with your rhyme and meter, and my only suggestion is that you might think about changing the title. "Monsters" is a very strong word, and the
poem tends to make light of them.
Lovely sonnet. It's in rhyming free verse, and is both sad and beautiful. Trying to hold on for just one more night when you know it's over is a very difficult thing to do.
Your rhyme scheme is intact throughout, and you have no structural or typographical errors in your presentation. All in all, a good job!
This is a fine essay on why you write. I know that a lot of it applies to me, and I am sure most writers who read this can identify with it. Kristina set you
back a long ways, and you have come through that experience now. She probably wanted you to make more
money. We have similar tastes is movies and music, but
differ a bit on authors; which is as it should be. Each of us is different: what is important is that we
write.
Thanks for writing this article. It's a pleasure to read.
Now, this one is much more hopeful. I was worried there for a while. Remember that children can be very unthinkingly mean to other children at times, and it sounds like you are getting the help you need now.
"Never give up" is a very good thing to remember, and I am heartened to see that is your motto, for it means that you will keep trying, and keep trying, no matter what.
If I can help you in any way at all, please let me know.
This life view is very beautifully expressed, and I happen to share it with you. I wonder if English is your first language because you have several errors in here that are made often by those who have English as a second language.
Second sentence: "Every child is born with a tear as is every flower is born with dew upon there petals."
To make this sentence proper English remove the "is" from before "every flower" and "there" should be "their". "There is no good without evil" should have a semi-colon after it. The same in the next sentence only the semi-colon would go after "hate";and then pehaps you might change this sentence to read "only half an emotion would be existing." Your phrase "throughout there whole life" -- "there" should be "their".
In the next sentence, I'd suggest this: "In the end all are loved by somebody. It is just the way [not "why"] life intertwines...." The rest of the sentence is fine. In your last sentence I wonder why you have "in a way" in there at all, let alone twice.
Now remember, I am only one reviewer, one reader out of many, and this is YOUR piece. You may want to wait
until you have some further reviews.
At any rate, your ideas are lovely, and you have great kindness in your heart. May the Muse stay with you!
This Flash Fiction is very well done. It is a very emotional piece, and one that I could visualize as I was reading it. My own parents were married over 50 years and I know how close they were. Her eyes, like
the woman's in the story, would shine when she looked at my father after half a century.
Here he obviously as an incurable disease and is suffering greatly, which is also a burden on her. This IS a very poignant piece, and the more often I read it, the more real and beautiful it seems. To know a love like that is a rare thing; I believe they have both been blessed.
I also believe you have written a very good Flash Fiction story!
This is just absolutely adorable. You did a great job!
There are a number of typographical errors throughout the piece -- things spell check would not catch. I'll try and find as many as I can, but I think you should carefully proof read it. The sentence "Moon Flower explained that she was deaf. She had been out walking...." It's terrible that I can't find any more right now, but on a careful read through I'm sure you will pick up four or five. No big deal but they should
be corrected.
You have written an absolutely wonderful piece of fantasy. Congratulations!
May the Muse stay with you!
This is just so good! It has put me in the best possible humor for the day.
You have done one fine job of telling this story, and
Elizabeth's broken toe and crushed thumb, then the cat,
and the soldier, and Santa Claus...it's all interwoven to be just wonderful. I am not a great fan of Christmas because of what it has become, and I am certainly a great fan of this story. I think I will keep a copy and read it all through December!
Thanks for writing this; it is a pleasure to read!
This is a stunning poem about a violent break up of a relationship. I hope that the blood was on the picture and not on him. I can visualizze you sitting there with your long hair and the piece of glass in your hand and just letting it cover him. That is, as you know, a very emotional thing to do, but at the same time you lead us into this outburst very well. He got too close to you, it seems, and you broke away.
As a poem, I really like it, and it holds up very well.
You have no flaws in your presentation, no structural
problems, and the free verse maintains its own kind of
meter all the way through. Good job! Keep writing, please. I am anxious to see more of your work.
This is a very topical and knowledgeable article. A friend of mine follows the oil market and situation very carefully, and often shares his findings with me.
You have done your research, and are up to date almost
exactly; I do not know where oil is right at the moment
or where it closed yesterday. The disaster in the Gulf Coast surely will only contribute to these continuing problems.
I agree with you very much that people might consider
cutting down their consumption of oil. I think they should have done it long ago, but we cannot change the past. Perhaps the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina will bring more and more people to their senses.
You have written a very good article here. Thank you for sharing it.
This is an interesting poem setting forth you views on death and what happens afterward. (Note: in the introduction, the word poetry is misspelled.) You have three stanzas of six lines each and a rhyme scheme of aabbcc in each stanza. That parat is very good.
The main thing that does bother me with this poem is that the meter is off. The lines are of differing length and seem to fall from you pen and stay there.
I would suggest that you do some revision on this, so that there is at least a semblance of controlled and consistent meter. Then you will have a fine poem, suggesting one way to view death.
You have made some very good points in your argument about death; you need only to revise the poem a little to have a very good poem, not a mediocre one. You have obvious talent for poetry, and only by getting this one more refined will those talents shine!
Did you mean to keep this as short as it is? If you did, it isn't much of a story, I'm afraid, unless I am missing something, which is entirely possible.
You have an interesting list of characters, and then 4
sentences (the last without a period), so I don't quite know what to make of this. If indeed there is more to it, or if I am missing something, please let me know and I will be more than happy to re-review this for you. In the meantime, all I can say is that
so far, so good, but surely you need to continue.
This is a very well-written, beautiful free verse poem. You have some lovely images in here, and the poem overall, is heart-wrenching in its bittersweet sadness and its eloquence.
From the first line "Shards, man made reflective windows into ourselves" the reader is aware that this is going to be a much better than average poem, and you do not let the reader down. Lines like "For a brief moment, the mirror remembers itself, it shines"
and the final two lines "The room is still empty and forgotten/But for a brief time the mirror lived again"
are breath-takingly beautiful, and show a poet's soul writing.
You obviously have a wonderful talent, and I hope that you will use your time on Writing.com to develop it and to share with the community here the beauty of your words. By the way, did I say Welcome to Writing.com? The only other by the way I have is that "grey" is spelled "gray" and I only know this because I have been called on it many many times.
The problem with this kind of poem is that it makes my job as a reviewer somewhat superfluous, since I cannot possibly find a helpful criticism even if I began to nit-pick. In this case, nit-picking would only do the poem harm.
Congratulations on a GREAT JOB!
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