*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wiggy20/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
546 Public Reviews Given
705 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 ... Next
151
151
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sorry it took me so long to get to reading this again, but here goes. I like this expanded version, adding more context by describing the setting. I like the way you get into each characters head, while still telling the story in third person. I also like how you made Susan's speech (or thoughts in this case) more dialectal. I have just a few suggestions:
- In the paragraph that begins "At that moment..." in the sentence "..."asking the court to terminate parental rights on Susan" make it possessive...."Susan's parental rights"
- In the paragraph that begins "Miranda knew she was running late..." I don't think you need to repeat the name of her supervisor, as when you are in Mrs. Johnston's head you already say she's her supervisor. Just say that Miranda took a seat next to her supervisor.
- In the paragraph that begins "Her mind wandered..." add a "her" in the second sentence..."She had named her..."
- Since you have changed this to third person, perhaps you could have some actual dialog between the characters, especially and interaction between Cassandra and her mom, so the reader can get a better idea who to believe about what type of mom she is.

Overall, I like this version better, and I think with a little work it could be great! Perhaps you could even turn this into an actual short story with a plot? Like possibly go through the court case with a decision at the end. As is, it's more of a description of the characters. Keep up the good work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
152
152
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a great idea telling this from different points of view, and I like the repeating phrases that shift depending on the p.o.v. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Make the format consistent, either all in italics or regular text; same goes with the name title of each section; right now, every one is different (one regular, one italic, and one italic and parenthesis). Since these are all in the mind, I would just do regular font.
- In Susan's section, I would replace "darn" and "stupid" with actual cuss words like "damn," as it fits her character better (who actually avoids cussing in their thoughts, especially a drug addict?)
- Some parts, especially in Susan's section, seem like too much "telling"...there are ways to give the reader an impression of things ("showing") without spelling everything out. I have no suggestions on how to do this for this particular work, as that will depend on your own writing style.
- In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "so they can" to "and"
- In the second paragraph, the "yeah" seems awkward; I would either remove it or make it into a separate sentence, like "Yeah, right."
- In the last sentence of the second paragraph, remove the commas after "then" and "charm"
- In the third paragraph, I would change "me" to "that"..."Cassandra deserves better than that!"
- In the fourth paragraph of Mrs. Johnston's section, I would bold or italicize or something "she" in the first sentence (the formatting will depend on what you decide to do with my first suggestion)
- In the first sentence of Miranda's section, change the dash to a comma or perhaps a period, even
- In that same paragraph, "won't" should be "want"
- And finally, I would consider having Susan's section be the last one, to get across the point that whatever feelings you have about this situation, good or bad, at the end of the day you don't know what the person's really going through

Great work! I'd love to see this expanded, if you're up to it. Keep it up!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
153
153
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay, so I visit again sooner than expected, LOL. Wow, this is so packed full of emotion. I can really feel how much this person means to you and how much you admire her and wish she could see the beauty you do. I have no suggestions, I cannot imagine any way to improve this. Great work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
154
154
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, this is so powerful and so bitter-sweet. My only suggestion is to watch the commas at the end of the lines - they aren't always needed and some should be periods instead. But this was a very minor thing and did not distract me from the message of the poem. Great work! Keep it up! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
155
155
Review of "Sweetheart "  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a sweet poem! Overall, this is well-written. My only suggestion has to do with the semicolons. In the first stanza, neither of them are needed. In the second stanza, I would replace it with a dash. In the third stanza, it is not needed. The one in the fourth stanza is used correctly, so I would keep it. The ones in the fifth stanza, I would replace with periods. The second one in the last stanza, I would replace with a comma. But as always, you can take these suggestions or leave them. Other than this, this was a well-written and enjoyable poem. Keep up the great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
156
156
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a great little glimpse into this brief romance. I have only two suggestions at this time. One is that since this is rather descriptive and literal in nature, I would call this prose, not poetry, and display it as such. But regardless, this was overall well-written. The only thing I noticed grammar wise is that you have two tags for her quote - "she says" and "she explains." I would remove one or the other, and since "she explains" is more descriptive than "she says," I would remove the latter and change "and" to "but" - "I was expecting a night of intimate passion, but she explains "no" - she does not do things so quickly." This was an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
157
157
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a sweet poem, and I love the dialect expressions - "Lady," "Baby," "girl." I really love the thought behind this, and a girl would have to be crazy to reject a guy who would say this to her. I have no suggestions for this one, I think it's great as-is. Keep up the good work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
158
158
Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an enjoyable, light read. I like how you really give personality to Roscoe. I have just a few suggestions:

- in the first sentence, I would either remove "just" or "really" as using both is a bit redundant
- I would replace "duck" with "squat"
- in the third paragraph, I would put a semicolon after "around"
- in the 8th paragraph, I would replace "this" with "it" - "on top of it"
- in the 9th paragraph, I would remove "hairstyle" as a ponytail already implies a hairstyle
- in the 10th paragraph, "checkout" should be "check out"
- the last sentence is awkward, would reword something like - "Without delay, Shimmy made a beeline for home, with Roscoe leading the way." Don't need the "her," as it is implied it is her home, and the "didn't wait" is redundant, as it says the same thing as "no delay"

Overall, this was a good story. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
159
159
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall, this was an enjoyable reader, and very relevant to a lot of us here on WDC. I have just a couple of suggestions/thoughts:

- I would reword the phrase "Always the goal of becoming a Writer loomed before him," which has a dangling modifier (the adverb "always") to something like "The goal of becoming a writer always loomed before him"
- Reading this, I wonder...what did Dick write that finally got him published? perhaps you could include a small sample of some of his writing

Great work! I especially liked the ending.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
160
160
Review of The Victim Was Me  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, this is a powerful poem, and the rhyming works well. I have just a couple of suggestions:

- in the second stanza, change "abuse" to "abused"
- in second stanza, add a "would" - "the truth would have (or "would've) soon been known"
- in last stanza, change the period after "did" to a comma.

Overall, this is a great poem, good luck in the contest! Keep writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
161
161
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, this really tugged on my heart strings. This is incredibly well-written, as I have never known anyone with Alzheimer's, but reading this I can really feel the heartache and pain it causes. I have a few suggestions, rather minor and not near important enough to keep me from giving you a 5.

* "Frustration made the words sound harsh even to me." - I would add a comma after "harsh"

* "My mother sat quietly in her room looking toward the door as if expecting me." - I would add "she was" and change to past tense - "as if she had been expecting me"

* In that brief moment I knew; my beloved mother was lost to me forever. - I would remove the semicolon and add a comma after "moment"

* No longer the daughter she knew and loved, I stood before her, a stranger. - I would remove the comma and add "as" - "I stood before her as a stranger"

But as I said, these are rather minor. Great work! Keep it up!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
162
162
Review of My Prayer  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another great tribute to the Lord. My only suggestion actually does have to do with the commas. I know they are meant as pauses, but if you simply make your line break where you want a pause, you don't need the commas. A line break naturally causes the reader to pause. I would also watch the periods - some are fragments, not whole sentences. But these are rather minor things. The message of your prayer/poem is clear. Good work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
163
163
Review of Willow Tree  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a sweet/sad poem, and I can effectively sense you waiting. I have just a couple of suggestions. In the second stanza, I would change "or" to "and that" - "and that my willow tree is not dead," as you don't wish one or the other (blossoms and tree), but rather wish both. The other is that in both spots where you use question marks, it would be better to just use one after the second line, as the second line is not a sentence in itself - "will he come for me / while I sit under my willow tree?" And the same with the place in the second to last stanza. Overall, a good poem. I enjoyed reading it. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
164
164
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall, this is a good poem with a good message. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that I realize you are using informal language here, but I think at least saying "I'm gonna" instead of "ima" would be better, as I don't really know anyone who would say "ima." The only other suggestion I have is to put "what I got" on another line like you did with "your man." Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
165
165
Review of My Brother-in-Law  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall, a good acrostic with some good adjectives. There are just a couple that stood out to me as a little cliche, though - "lovable" and "neat." Also, "reliable" and "trustworhy" are very similar. I think perhaps you could find some more specific adjectives. My only other suggestion would be to perhaps expand this, making an acrostic for "Dutch" as well. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
166
166
Review of Child's Play  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very interesting, unique topic you discuss in this poem. The old and the young are seemingly far different, but have much more in common then we often think about. I have only a couple of suggestions at this time. One is that the second senior citizen line doesn't mirror as closely the corresponding child line as the others - perhaps you could make these a little more similar. My other suggestion is that in the line "senior citizen - one to be protected," perhaps you could add some reprimands as you do in the corresponding child line - "watch your step," "do you need me to help you?," etc. Overall, a very good poem with a good message. Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
167
167
Review of Christian  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is overall, a good poem with great imagery and metaphors brought up throughout. My only suggestion at this time is that I would split this into stanzas. As is, it isn't very visually appealing and might make someone turn away from reading it. Other than that, great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
168
168
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like how this is set up, with the first part being a dialogue and the end kind of a wrap-up of the tradition of storytelling. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that although I realize the indentations weren't meant to show the two different speakers, I still got somewhat confused at parts, although I'm not sure how to make that clearer. The other is that the last line - "that's how legends are born" seems to kind of sit there, perhaps it needs more build-up behind, or needs to be separated so that it stands out more. Overall, a good poem. Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
169
169
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
The description in this is great, and I love the personification of the season. My favorite line - "It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons." The ending is also very clever. I have just a few suggestions, all rather minor. One is that "any way" should be "anyway." In the lines, "Had I imagined this. What just happened." the periods should be question marks. I would also suggest capitalizing "Father Winter." And finally, in the quote "Season Come and Seasons Go," the quotation mark should come after the period. Overall, a great read with great details. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
170
170
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a unique inspiration for a poem. I think you prove your point pretty well. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that in the first line of the second stanza, I would add "the" in front of "love." The other is that I think adding more stanzas about things lovers do that could not be infatuation - giving things up, other unselfish acts, etc. Overall, though, a good poem and I like the confronting tone. Keep it up!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
171
171
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good poem, I like how you moved through her life. The rhyming worked well, and them message was clear. I have just a few suggestions. One is that in the line "Her life to her was not very pleasing," the "to her" makes the line slightly awkward, as it is already understood - a person's life can only be pleasing to themselves. In the last line, "every day" should be "everyday" since you are using it as an adjective for "life." Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
172
172
Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Haha, I'm sure a lot of us have been through something similar (I lost the bottom part of my bikini once while tubing). I love the way you put things, and the details you give about reading your book, adjusting your bikini, etc. The only suggestion I have is that in the 4th paragraph "urging" should be "urged." Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
173
173
Review of I Was A Tiger  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I was not familiar with this event, but you have added enough detail that I feel I know all I need to about it. The description is very good and I like the point you make about a tiger is meant to be a wild animal. My only suggestion is to make the lines that rhyme more similar in length, especially lengthening the first line. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
174
174
Review of THE DREAM  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good chapter, and a good start to a book. I have just a few suggestions. In the phrase "a vision of a leather bound book covered her eyes," "covered" doesn't seem like th right word to use here. In the second paragraph, "along side" should be either "alongside" or "along the side." And finally, I think the second paragraph should be broken down into two (possibly more) - it is too long. Indentations at the beginning of the paragraphs would help too. Overall, a good piece. Keep writing!
175
175
Review of Ode to Coffee  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm a coffee addict myself, and definitely know the pleasure you describe in this poem. I have only a few suggestions. One is to vary your word choice more, you repeat certain words/phrases several times..."scent," "flavor," "into my cup." Another is to perhaps form stanzas. And finally, I noticed a typo - in the third line, "soaring" should be "soar." Overall though, this is a good piece of writing. Keep it up!
176 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wiggy20/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7