Wow, such a powerful poem. I love the repeated refrain and the extended metaphor of the birds. I have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- watch your commas; in several places, they should be semicolons instead
- "the end of you hope,"..."you" should be "your"
- the stanza "But here you go, the first to end," was significantly shorter than the rest of the "verses." I would suggest lengthening this somehow, as the shortness interrupted the flow a bit.
Overall, an excellent poem. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
I love the tone and images you set up here. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them (changes in parentheses):
- You seem to have forgotten apostrophes when you have a possessive. Some words that need apostrophes because they are possessive are: angel(')s (in the title and in the last line), Master(')s, Heaven(')s
- The second line needs some revising, as "astound" is a verb; the adjective form is "astounded"...perhaps something like "His grand design does astound" or "His grand design leaves one floored to the ground." A good site to find rhymes is http://www.rhymezone.com/
- In the sixth line, you have an extra comma after the period
- when you are referring to God, you need to capitalize..."His" in the second line and "Master's" in the fourth line
- "eternities" should be "eternity's"...I think you want the contraction here, since there is no verb in this line ("to those who are weary eternity is near" is what I think you meant)
Overall, a good poem that could be much better with some tweaking. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Hahaha, this made me laugh. This was well-written and conveyed the comedy of the moment well. The only suggestion I can offer is that I assume your mother had raised her voice slightly when she addressed Reese about his comment. Therefore, I would would put an exclamation mark after "Gregory" and use a more appropriate and descriptive line tag than "said," maybe "shrieked"? Oh, also, I would put a comma after "head" in the first paragraph. This is a minor thing, however, and does not keep me from giving you a 5. Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime. I've got a folder called "A Little Taste Of Me" in my port that has a couple of comical true-life experiences like this. Keep writing!
Since you were so kind to review both of my haikus for me, I thought I'd stop by your port and see what you had to offer. And I am not disappointed. I thought this was a very well-written poem, I like the tone and expression. My favorite part was the reversal of "lies" and "eyes" at the end. I can really feel the heartache coming through in this. The only suggestion I can offer is that the "close shut the door" lines threw things off for me (mainly the flow) and in my opinion, did not add anything to the poem. I would suggest removing the 6th and 7th lines, and revising the 8th to "I shut the door..." I just think it reads better this way. Overall, a very good poem. Keep up the good work!
Such a sweet poem of sadness, yet with a glimmer of hope at the end. I hoped writing this helped ease your pain. Overall, this was very well written. I have just a few suggestions (changes in parentheses):
- Through the wall they weave(;)
- Here today for always(,)
- until (it's) time to say goodbye.
- Friend(,) our time is shared.
A good poem, keep up the great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Great job with the extended metaphor in the poem. This was very well-written, and I have only a couple of suggestions:
- I would remove the commas after "alone" in the first stanza and after "brine" in the third stanza
- Consider replacing "more" with "left" in the last line, or saying "more left"
Overall, an excellent poem. Keep up the good work!
Wow, just....wow. I have to vote this my new favorite piece of yours. Stated so simply and so powerfully, and such a true message. As you know from reading my poem "Way Out," I can really relate to this - I've been through this. And this rings so true to my own experience. The only suggestion I can offer is that the word "pain" shows up three times in your poem, perhaps find some synonyms? Either that, or perhaps if this is an aspect of depression you want to stress, repeat it more often. Great work, I can see why this got an awardicon. I plan soon to write a hopeful piece to counteract "Way Out," especially after receiving feedback from another member how much the poem affected her. I will let you know when I do, hopefully I can match the level of powerful writing you have displayed here. Always a pleasure reading your stuff! Keep it up!
The short lines fit well with the theme of the poem. I like the abstractness of the salt/ash part, although if you meant something specific by this, I would make it a bit more concrete. Also, if you are not attached to these two lines, I would suggest changing the "plate of ash" line so that the end word is a perfect, not near rhyme with "ask"...maybe something about a "flask"? Overall this was a good poem, and I really enjoyed reading. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
A concise poem that describes well what the narrator is feeling. I have two suggestions at this time, take them or leave them:
- reading this, I wonder what the "four words" were...perhaps you could include them or just give more hints to it
- was there meant to be a rhyme scheme? I was distracted by the fact that the first two lines rhymed, and the 5th and 7th lines rhyme, but none of the others did. If you meant to have a rhyme scheme, I would regularize it. If you didn't, I would get rid of the rhymes with some rewording (especially easy in the case of the 5th and 7th lines - "thee" seems a bit antiquated and not in tone with the rest of the poem, anyway.."you" would be better, in my opinon)
Overall, a good poem that I think needs just a bit of tweaking. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on my new poem "Ladybird" sometime.
I think you have some good images here, and the rhyme scheme is interesting, with the internal rhyme in the last line of each stanza. The rhyme scheme fell apart in the last stanza, however. Although "skies" and "eternities" are spelled the same at the end, they do not rhyme, b/c the "ie" in "skies" sounds like an "i" and the "ie" in "eternities" sounds like an "e." Also, you don't have the internal rhyme in the last line. I think this would be better if the rhyme scheme was kept in the last stanza. You might not have meant to rhyme in the last stanza, but once you start a rhyme scheme, the reader will be expecting it and disappointed if it is dropped. Overall, a good poem that could be great with some tweaking of the last stanza. Keep up the good work, I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
So true, so true. Writing is certainly hard work. You can have the greatest idea in the world, but how to express it to others? I think you have a good haiku here. I am certainly no expert in haiku, but I do have one suggestion. I felt like the last line was missing a little something. Perhaps a little rewording would make it more memorable and vivid. I think the last line could be modified using personification, like "luck won't write any poems" or even "Luck won't write a poem," as in Lady Luck. But as always, do what you feel is best for your piece. Overall, a very nice haiku with a good message. Keep up the good work!
I love the thought behind this. Seems you are a bit whipped but that's okay. My only suggestion is that you over-use commas. Some words where you don't need commas after are:
- pilot
- joy
- blues
- smile
- it (should be semicolon)
- fate
- met (should be dash or colon)
Also, there should be a comma after "yourself" in the third stanza. Finally, I would suggest removing "the" in the last line. Overall, a good poem. Keep up the great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
This is a very interesting poem. The lines are so short and fragmented, and yet together the meaning is clear. I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:
- In the fifth stanza, try something with a little more of a wham than "person"...how about "spirit," "heart," "soul," "mind"...it isn't the literal person that's hid, but rather their inner being
- For some reason, the line "big trucks" seemed out of place, and I was unsure whether it referred to the kids' toys, or the mother's job (driving trucks)....how about changing the line to something referring to the pursuit of money again...."hungry kids/mad dash/single mom/makin' cash"
Overall, this was a good poem and a very enjoyable read, and I could see the progression of a young girl becoming a woman and the will to keep fighting. Keep it up!
Wow, great slam poetry. The comment I made about punctuation in your other poem "Under the Bridge" does not apply here. This works great without the punctuation. My only suggestion is that somehow "with the greatest of ease" doesn't seem to fit with the harsh tone of the rest of the poem...perhaps just a bit of rewording? Great work! Keep it up!
I like the way this streams from one thought to the next. I do think it would be better to put this into stanzas of 4 lines a piece, since you do have an ABAB rhyme scheme here. And although punctuation is a choice in poetry, as well as capitalization, I think it would help the reader understand it better if some commas were used, especially in spots like after "blind" where you are switching subject (from "escape" to "you") or sentence structure. I had to read this a couple of times to understand which modifying phrases went with what, and I think some punctuation would help. Overall, I think the theme and expression in this poem is incredible, but the lack of punctuation trips up the meaning and flow a bit. I think if this were added, it would be a great poem. Keep up the good work!
I love the concept and expression in this poem. You do seem to have a bit of trouble with punctuation, though. I have several suggestions, take them or leave them (changes in parentheses):
- And the lucky guy who's with you(?) I wish that he was me.
- Do you dream-gaze from windows(don't need a comma here) out on gloomy London streets(?)
- As you plod the Russian Steppes, do you pine for Kenya skies(?)
- Are you somewhere in the north, where I've heard it's freezing cold(?)
- Do you sing in Tennessee, along with the country's best(?)
- Or stroll with your darling (on) the sandy beaches of Key West?
- Do you like to take long walks(don't need a comma here) on the rolling hills of Wales(?)
- But love(,) there is always room for you, right here in my heart.
Overall, a good poem that could become great with a few minor changes. Keep up the good work!
What a great idea, to do a poem about 1984, which is my absolute favorite book! I have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- In the first stanza, I would put a comma after "fear"
- If somehow, you could include the whole scene of 3+2 = 4 (or whatever math equation it was, it's been a while since I've read the book) that would make the part of the poem where you are talking about torture come alive (Big Brother is always right!)
- I'm not sure I quite like how you end the poem, as I seem to remember the end of the book having a duel meaning. Sure, Winston has died, but in doing so, he is freed from the tyranny of Big Brother. Maybe you can somehow include this duel nature of the ending (good and bad) in the last stanza?
Overall, I really liked this poem! Keep it up! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Aww, what sweet memories. I think you really capture the care-free time of childhood. I have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- For some reason, in the third line, I think a description of the water in the creek would work better than saying "in the branch of the creek"...maybe something like "in the muddy/clear water of the creek nearby"
- I would suggest making the ending words of stanza four singular: "on a cardboard sled," "carried by leaves orange, yellow, and red"...just b/c pluralizing colors is a bit awkward
- In the fifth stanza, perhaps change "that were" to "like" and "woodsy" to "wooden"
I think this is one of the best things I have read from you yet! The only suggestion I can offer is that the line break between the last and second to last line seems a little abrupt and awkward - perhaps b/c "be" is a somewhat harsher sounding word. This was a good poem, very well-written. Keep up the good work!
I think all of us feel this way at some point in our lives. Overall, this is well-read and I have just a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:
- I would revise the fourth line to "On this canvas called Earth"...Earth should be capitalized, and the syllable count was longer than the rest of the stanza and threw the flow off a bit
- The line "as I foretold" seems to interrupt the flow a little bit, perhaps because it's end word matched too closely to the end word of the line above it.
- The line "For neither do you know of me" seemed a little too long, perhaps ...For you don't know of me"
Great work! I found this on the Review Request page. Perhaps you could return the favor sometime and review "My First Friend" (also on the Request page) for me? Keep writing!
This is slightly humorous, the way you put things, and a good way to record a memory. I have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- In the phrase "listening to the wind howl outside, while sitting in front of a warm, roaring fire inside." I would set apart somehow (bold, italics) the words "outside" and "inside" to emphasize the contradiction between the two
- You say that your upstairs bedroom wasn't heated, and yet you talk about standing over a floor register, which generally suggests that the room was heated. Perhaps you could clarify this a bit - were you standing over one in a different room?
- In the last sentence, I would change "this time" to "anymore.
Overall, a great write and an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
What a hearwarming story, and the recipe sounds delicious. Overall, this is well written. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- The sentence "The snow was falling relentlessly -- and harder now." is a bit redundant; maybe "The snow was falling relentlessly now."
- I would suggestion adding a "that" to the sentence "It was evident to all, no one was leaving that night."..."It was evident to all that no one..." Or, you can change the comma to a semicolon.
- The sentence "When she put the baby down, she threw together an old pumpkin bread recipe she already had." is redundant. I would remove "already" as saying she has it implies she "already" has it
Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
This is a great poem expressing the joy and pride involved in helping someone learn, which is one of my favorite feelings. My only suggestion is that I thought at first that you had a rhyme scheme going, and then it fell apart/changed. I think maybe you didn't intend to have rhyming. If so, I would replace some of the ending words so the reader isn't expecting rhyme. Overall, a good piece. Keep it up!
This is a sad poem, with a great light of hope. I have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- I would reword "all would soon be well" to "all will be well soon"
- In the last stanza, the line break after the second line is a bit awkward, maybe revise as follows: "In time to make a difference in his future / God..."
- "had answered" should be "has answered," since you are in the present tense in the rest of the poem (with the -ing verbs)
- Perhaps find a synonym for "hope" to replace it in the second stanza, since you use it in the last stanza as well
Overall, a very good poem with an optimistic message. Keep up the good work!
Overall, this was well-written and from the little I read about this series, seems like a very good idea to have this as a clue. I do have a couple of suggestions, though, take them or leave them.
- In the second stanza, I would add a "but" - "...but wishing for you just the same"
- In the stanza that begins "Touches missed" I would remove the "Still I knew" in the second line, as saying "you knew more than I" already implies that she knows as well, thereby making the next phrase a bit redundant
Great work! I might have to check out more things in this series. I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
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but that's okay. My only suggestion is that you over-use commas. Some words where you don't need commas after are: