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Review of First Born  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have some wonderful imagery here. I especially liked the line "I was nurtured in the womb of the full moon." The repeated pronouns in each stanza give the poem a nice rhythm, and it is a very smooth read. I get the sense that this is about Native Americans being colonized by Whites...although I could be totally off-base. The imagery and tone certainly seem to suggest this, though. I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:

- We live forever. (would change to "lived" to keep tense consistent)

- We shunned the ebony dogma. (If I'm correct in my assumption about this being a tale of Native Americans, I would say "ivory" instead. If my assumption is wrong, of course, ignore this. *Pthb*)

- I feel like there is something missing between the 3rd and 4th stanza. Suddenly, the world as the speaker knows it is changed/destroyed, but I feel like this needs expansion. What causes them to "awake in horrid shock"? It just seems like the turn is a little too drastic, and the reader is not sure what caused it. I think you could have a stanza using "they" as a repeated pronoun. "They came upon our land / Bringing death as their companion..." Just an example, perhaps see what you come up with. *Wink*


Overall, I think what you have here is excellent, but the poem just seems like it's a bit incomplete. I think with another stanza to fit in between the 3rd and 4th that explains what causes such a drastic change, this poem would be truly excellent. *Bigsmile* I hope this review is of some help. Keep up the good work!


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Review of A Remorseful Song  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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SORRY ABOUT THE REPEAT REVIEW...I FORGOT THE LINK TO THE CONTEST. *Blush*


This is a great write-up about a tortured girl who in the end finds a better way than cutting, finds that life is worth living. I loved the lyrics you scattered throughout, that was a great touch. And the fact that she wonders why nobody noticed "the clues" is very realistic to someone who cuts, as they oftentimes just want to be noticed and appreciated. I do have several suggestions to tighten this piece up a bit, take them or leave them:

- “Life Sucks(,) Then You Die.”

- Brown hair, brown eyes, only five-foot-five. Just a little nobody girl. (change first period to dash, b/c second part is fragment. Also, 5'5 is normal height for a girl, so perhaps consider making your MC shorter...for instance, I'm only 5'1.

- about me (was) my name. “Angel.” (change first period to dash)

- my mother told me before she died. She had cancer. She died when I was five. (This read a bit awkward, try combining them a bit..."my mother told me before she died of cancer. I was only 5 years old at the time.")

- Joy had finally been unbound. (little awkward, what about replacing "unbound" with "found"?)


I think with just a bit of revising, rewording some things, this will be a truly excellent piece. The content and means of expression are great, and just need a tiny bit of polishing. Smile Keep up the great work!


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Review of A Remorseful Song  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a great write-up about a tortured girl who in the end finds a better way than cutting, finds that life is worth living. I loved the lyrics you scattered throughout, that was a great touch. And the fact that she wonders why nobody noticed "the clues" is very realistic to someone who cuts, as they oftentimes just want to be noticed and appreciated. I do have several suggestions to tighten this piece up a bit, take them or leave them:

- “Life Sucks(,) Then You Die.”

- Brown hair, brown eyes, only five-foot-five. Just a little nobody girl. (change first period to dash, b/c second part is fragment. Also, 5'5 is normal height for a girl, so perhaps consider making your MC shorter...for instance, I'm only 5'1.

- about me (was) my name. “Angel.” (change first period to dash)

- my mother told me before she died. She had cancer. She died when I was five. (This read a bit awkward, try combining them a bit..."my mother told me before she died of cancer. I was only 5 years old at the time.")

- Joy had finally been unbound. (little awkward, what about replacing "unbound" with "found"?)


I think with just a bit of revising, rewording some things, this will be a truly excellent piece. The content and means of expression are great, and just need a tiny bit of polishing. *Smile* Keep up the great work!


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Review of Falling  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Having entered this contest a couple of times myself, I fully appreciate how difficult this task can be. We don't realize how often we use certain words, so to only use one "the," "a," "and," etc. is certainly challenging. I thought this read for the most part very smooth, and was a unique idea for this piece - it's a complete story in only 100 words, complete with a conflict and a resolution. I know this contest is done now, but if you don't mind, I have a couple of suggestions if you do consider revising:

- Azure paradise and awe-inspiring views surrounded him, skin caressed by cool, rushing winds. (The second part of this read a bit awkward....what about having a "his" in front of "skin"...you don't use this word elsewhere).

- But he soon found himself plummeting toward ground, falling. (This was the only other place that didn't read right to me, and somehow, you didn't use a "the" anywhere else, so perhaps you could say "the ground."


Of course, both of these suggestions would require removing another word, but I think they would help the flow. Have you entered August's round? If so, I've got some tough competition. *Wink* Keep up the good work!


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Review of The Victors  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good poem with a powerful message about the after-effects on people involved in war. The rhyme and rhythm worked overall very well, and you also have some nice alliteration in spots. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- It seems you are missing some commas and other punctuation, and since you do use periods at the end of the lines, I would put these in. Punctuation in poetry, for me, is all or nothing. Therefore, I would recommend the following changes in regards to this to help the poem read smoother:

{ - Dark and deserted(,) they desperately cling
- Illusions of power and honor for woe (-)
- Over and over(,) they'll hear them again (-)
- Weeping and wailing still sound in the ear(;)
- of victory's hollow(,) the guilt lingers near. (Also, I'm not sure you want the possessive here; it seems you are using "hollow" as a simple adjective for "victory"...so perhaps revise to "of victories hollow")
- Crested and plumed(,) the proud warriors won(,)

Overall, I think you have a very good poem about the psychological effects of war, and with some added punctuation to clarify the reading and make it smoother, this will be a truly excellent piece. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
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SCS, wow, this shows a completely different side of you! Everything I have read from you so far was either humorous or creepy, but this is so sweet and touching; it shows your soft side. I love how you have her close her eyes, and when she opens them, she finds Joe gone - that was a nice touch. *Smile* And as you know, I normally suggest more physical description, but in this case I don't think it's needed, as leaving the characters more general works in this one to allow every reader who has ever lost someone close to them to relate. I also didn't find any grammar/punctuation errors, great job! *Bigsmile* I'm afraid I only have one very minor suggestion for this piece:

- the moment where they each said, “I do”. (would change "where" to "when")


Sorry I can't be of more help, but I thought this was a truly well-written piece, and very moving. Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I thought this was a unique take on the prompt, and a very cute story about the first day of school! The interaction of Nathan and Amber was believable and absolutely adorable. *Heart* This put a smile on my face, something I needed today, so thanks for that. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- The biggest thing this is missing is physical description. The only thing we know about any of the characters is that Amber has curly hair, and her teacher has black hair in a pixie cut. I found it hard to picture the characters and the classroom, b/c very few details were given. If you can add in some physical description, it would really draw the reader into the story, b/c they will be able to picture it in their head better.

- I wondered why the school was so empty....was the mother so nervous she wanted to get there extra-early? Perhaps some small detail about this would clear it up....schools are usually busy places, especially the first day. It would probably be more realistic if they walked into a classroom full of students, and would also increase the reader's sense of nervousness they feel along with the mother.

- The mom's emotions are mentioned at the very beginning, and then again at the very end. I would have liked to see more of this, as it seems to be set up as a big theme in the story, and yet little is said about it. Try to add in more of the mother's feelings throughout.


Some editorial notes:
- okay to be scared(,) but I’m sure
- myself to breathe, as a cold blast of air conditioning (remove comma)
- She nodded(,) and even the bobbing
- strained(,) but she tried
- the little boy who simply
- at Amber(,) then at me

Overall, I think you have a good story here that could use a bit more physical description and more about the mother's feelings. I hope this review has been of some help. Good luck in the contest, and keep up the good work!


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Review of Dinner Out  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Haha, this made me chuckle. You use some great descriptive phrases to describe the awful food, like "marinated in what he could only guess was some putrid combination of cigar ash and decomposed citrus fruit." Great job on description! And the fact that the bill came and the meal was very expensive was a nice touch. Also, I found no punctuation/grammar errors (really rare for me). *Bigsmile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I liked the ending, how Carrie liked the food, but it seemed inconsistent with her "furrowing her brow as she ate," as this is usually a sign of concealing disgust. If you mean her to be in earnest when she says she likes the food, perhaps reword that a bit. If you mean her to be lying to save face, perhaps add in some small detail that shows she's lying - she looks immediately out the window, crosses her fingers behind her back, etc. (ok, the last one's cliche, but you get my point).

- I have to beat a dead horse, again. *Pthb* See if you can't add in some physical description of Carrie and Doug here and there throughout the story.


One editorial note:
- "I know, right?" She replied enthusiastically. ("she" shouldn't be capitalized)


Overall, a good little piece about two very different experiences at the same restaurant. With a few more details to clarify the differing points of view, this will be great! Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a cute story, and you portrayed the inner feelings of the MC well, that tingling, "butterflies in stomach" feeling. *Smile* The first line was excellent, drawing the reader into your story right away. The tension you build up, waiting for something more to happen was also very good. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I say this to a lot of authors about their stories, but I would have liked to know what these two characters look like. Especially the male character - surely if she's fantasizing about him, she's picturing his "dreamy looks" in her head. Being able to have a clear image of the characters will draw the reader further into the story.

- I was a bit confused by the end of the story. Did they end up getting married? Or is she reminiscing on a past love? I would put something in to suggest one way or the other, as it left me scratching my head a bit, and took away from the story for me.


Some editorial notes:
- I couldn't meet his eyes, I couldn't look away, I hung on his every word, I didn't hear a word he said. (I would split this into two sentences, changing the comma after "away" to a period. I would also add a "yet" to the second half, since you have a contradiction..."I hung on his every word, yet I didn't hear a word he said.")
- decidedly old-fashioned, nevertheless those words (change comma to semicolon)


Overall, a very cute story that could use just a tad more physical description, and more clarification on the ending. Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wise words of wisdom, indeed. I think I would get along much better with my mom if she would stop worrying so much about me. I'm 21 yrs old, I'm a big girl, now. *Laugh* I think the advice you give is very helpful to parents - you don't have to understand your kids (rarely do they understand their parents, either), but simply love them. Of course, I think that's much easier said than done. A thought-provoking piece. I just have one small suggestion:

- now(-)grown


A good write-up, thanks for sharing your wisdom! Very helpful for current or future parents. Keep up the good work!


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Review of End Of The Line  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
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You are very good at the shocking, one-line punch endings. This one was no exception. I love that the guy taking advantage of his employees got what was coming to him in the end. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I do wonder if just some small physical descriptions of the characters would make this come alive a bit more. For instance, the investor that points out a problem in the distance, you could say..."one of the investors asked, pointing his fat finger..." Same goes with the boss...I picture him as a tall lanky guy with a sinister grin. It's just easier to get into the story more when you know what the characters look like, even in a short flash-fiction like this.

- I realize trains take quite a while to stop, but "several hundred feet" seems like it could be enough room. Perhaps if you made it a shorter distance, like 50 ft, the reader would feel the urgency more. Just something to ponder. *Wink*


Some editorial notes:
- behind(-)the(-)scenes
- After an hours, ("hour")
- “What’s that?” One ("one" doesn't need to be capitalized)


Overall, a very good little piece, with a great ending! Keep writing!


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Review of Cold  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Ooh, creepy, talk about living with what you've done! I like the way this was written, almost stream-of-consciousness, and the rambling thoughts fit the situation very well. I also liked how the first time the body was mentioned, the speaker said "somebody" killed you, and then later he says it was "him" that did it. It fits a narrator with Alzheimer's perfectly. And I can just see a person panicking having such morbid thoughts as the MC does here. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I wondered why they have a walk-in freezer in their home? Perhaps they run a business out of it? I think maybe a small detail on why they have such a large freezer in their home would help.

- I didn't get a clear idea of who the dead person was. A friend? A family member? Not knowing took away from the story for me, b/c I was trying to figure it out.

Some editorial notes:
- But it’s true. A cherry Sno-Cone (fragment, perhaps combine them with a dash)

- I hid you in the walk-in freezer, hidden in the very back. (would remove "hidden" to avoid repetition)


Overall, a very good, creepy story that could use just a bit of tweaking and added detail so the reader can truly concentrate on what's going on. Keep up the good work!


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Review of X Marks The Spot  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Wow, awesome use of words to go through the whole alphabet! I even had to look one up (cairn), which is really rare for me. The words were blended in quite well, and if not for the all-caps and bold, they wouldn't have stuck out from the rest of the story. I absolutely loved the way you ended this, too - the last line was hilarious! *Laugh* Pirates searching for treasure is not a novel idea, but the way you played it out here is. The build up really led you to expect something, so what turned out to be in the chest was quite a shock! I do have just a couple of small suggestions:

- To me, I think a more unique title could be had, like "The Meaning of Treasure," or something like that. Just something to ponder. *Wink*

- (It was) The mark of Captain ECHO, the infamous pirate... (otherwise this is a fragment)

- rumors of (the) treasure’s worth


A great little piece of flash-fiction. If this didn't win, you must have had some very stiff competition! This is one of the more unique pieces I have read in a while. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Six Minutes  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Pat, thought I'd stop by your port and see what's up. I believe you asked me to review this a while back, sorry I forgot about it. *Blush* I think this poem is very simply worded, but that is where it's power comes from. The speaker is in so much pain, that the button has become the whole world to them. I can really feel the struggle coming through. My favorite phrase is "bringing measured relief to my pain." Overall, I think this is a good poem. I have just a few suggestions:

- On a thematic note, I would have liked more description of the pain itself, as well as the relief. It was evident the speaker was in pain, but what kind of pain is unclear (is it a low, throbbing pain....a searing pain?) You get the idea. Also, same with the relief, perhaps a metaphor for what that feels like. If you can include these details, the reader will have a clear picture of exactly what the speaker is going through.

Some editorial notes:
- Tick, tick, I watch the clock, (don't need comma)

- I listen to the rhythmic clunking, (don't need comma)

Overall, a good poem that could use just a tad more description to really make it moving to the reader. As always, it was a pleasure reading your work!


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Review of Divergence  
Review by wiggy
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Ooh, creepy. You've got my mind running wild on what could have caused the quaking. I saw the part with Luke coming, but not the avalanche of rubble separating them from the group! *Shock* I'm not overly familiar with the constructs of flash fiction, but I think you have a wonderful short piece here. I found no punctuation or grammar errors (really rare for me), so great job with that! *Bigsmile* I have just a couple of suggestions:

- I would have liked a few details on what Luke and Diane look like...I couldn't get a good picture in my head. Perhaps even something as simple as like..."Luke's blue eyes went wide..."

- Luke and Diane looked at each other, scared. (This was the only line I had a problem with, b/c it has a strong whiff of "telling," not "showing." Instead of just saying they're scared, try to have their actions or facial expressions show it. But I'm sure you already know this. *Wink*)

Overall, a very good, creepy piece of flash fiction. I have to go get under my blanket now, get rid of these goosebumps. Nice work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Oh, this was hilarious, Carol! *Laugh* I can just imagine myself doing something like that, as I am sooo not a morning person, and like you, always have to have my coffee. This actually reminds me of one time when I rant and raved at my bf about what he had done with my cell phone (he had borrowed it to make a call), and he kept saying he gave it back to me. Come to find out, it was in the pocket on the front of my sweatshirt the whole time! Boy, was I embarrassed! *Blush*

This was a very entertaining read, and besides that, it was very well-written, with no grammatical errors, and a wonderful set-up to the punchline. I love how you don't say that all that had been "robbed" was the coffee-pot until the part when your husband asks what was taken. I thought at first that you came out of the bedroom to a bare house! I have only two minor suggestions for this story:

- real(-)life surroundings
- I'm not sure why this needs to be rated 18+...you only have one curse word, and it's not one of the "harsher sexually-derived" ones. I think you could make this 13+, and you might get even more readers that way.

Excellent write, this had me laughing out loud! Keep up the great work!


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Review of For Stacy  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, I figured I'd stop by and finish up reviewing all of the poems in your folder. I haven't had much interaction with Stacy on here, but what little I have, she's always been an absolute angel. I think you have captured well what makes her so special in this acrostic. You show many different aspects of her - leadership, generosity, an ability to create, a passion for writing and WDC, etc. I'm sorry to say that I have no suggestions for this one, which, as you know, is a rarity for me! *Bigsmile* Keep writing!


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Review of Renewal  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I like this one. We may moan and groan when it rains, but without rain, everything would die. As always, the technicalities of the form are followed perfectly. And I think you have a nice inherent turn here, in that rain is seen as a bad thing, but it's really a good thing, necessary for living things to thrive.

My only suggestion would be that if you wanted to make this turn even stronger, you could change "drenching" to one-syllable word like "floods," and add an adjective for rain, something that shows that it is a hard rain, not just a sprinkle...like "fierce," or something like that. But it's good as-is.

Good haiku, and an important reminder of something God does for us that we complain about, but really should thank him for it. Always a pleasure! *Smile*


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Review by wiggy
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Good take on the prompt, it's really a shame you were too late to enter the contest. *Frown* I think the poem has a powerful message - we really don't truly know the people around us, unless we take the time to care and to look closer. And people often smile and pretend they're okay, when they're really hurting on the inside.

The only suggestion I would offer for this poem is to go into a little more detail about the secrets and "shadows of darkness" that dwell inside. Perhaps you could even make some rhetorical questions to prove your point. For example..."Do you know your friend cuts herself? Do you know your co-worker is abused nightly by her husband? etc. I think doing something like this, with shocking revelations, would truly make the poem powerful. And it could be done in only one or two more stanzas.

Overall, a good poem - I'm sure it would have been a winner! Keep up the good work, always a pleasure!


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Review of Dead End  
Review by wiggy
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Interesting twist at the end, as far as the motive for the murder. Assisted suicide is a very controversial topic today. Overall, I think you have a good story with enough detail to interest the reader. I love the detail added in about the art exhibit. I also really liked the inner style of narration of the investigator. I can almost hear the old detective music playing in the background, if you know what I mean. *Wink* I do have several suggestions to make this good story even better, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I thought the part where the investigator is piecing together that Daryl is the culprit went by far too quickly. Try expanding this, adding in more description, perhaps even some dialog when the investigator comes to his apartment. How did he accidentally open the closet with the bandannas? If you can expand this and make the piecing together slower and more subtle, it will create greater suspense and mystery, drawing the reader to keep reading to find out who did it.

- Another thing you could do is expand on the other culprits without dismissing them so quickly, leaving the reader to wonder which one it was.


Some technical notes:
- I was confused at the time-line in the first couple of stanzas. It seems that Marge was telling the story of what happened the night her grandfather was killed. Therefore, I think you want to use some past tense. Some sentences that should be in past tense:

- Should she check on her grandfather? No need to make such a fuss. The sick old man needs his sleep.
- Since it is late already, she decides to go bed.
- Marge says she sleeps deeply that night until eight in the morning, an hour later than usual. Her boss will yell; she knows it. As she rushes out the door, she can barely greet the day-nurse just walking in. (although "says" should be kept present, b/c she is currently telling her story)
- That afternoon, her boss calls Marge into his office.
- Marge asks the oversized policeman with the ruddy complexion.

The fact that these were in present tense caused some confusion for me, b/c at first I thought the detective was there (on the night her grandfather was killed) and asks her whether she should check on her grandfather, and she decides to go to bed, and he's still there when she rushes out the door.

- As she talks(,) I imagine her in a paint(-)smeared coverall with a spatter of titanium(-)white

- She says, for the Monroe County Art Exhibit within days, she needs some fresh pieces and aims for the first place. (This read awkward to me, try changing the word order, like..."She says she needs some fresh pieces for the Monroe County Art Exhibit within days, and that she aims for first place.")

- Between work and her ailing grandfather(,) she has little time during the day.

- "Miss Eckersley. Where is your Grandfather?" (change period to comma)

- When was the last time you saw him. (change period to question mark)

- A neighbor says, most everyone (comma not needed)

- She doesn't seem to care how things turn out. ("turned," since the grandfather has already died)


Overall, I think you have a good story here that could become truly excellent if expanded to increase the suspense. It's a good sign that I want to read more, though...means you've done your job as an author to interest me. *Smile* Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow, Meg, this is simply remarkable poetry. So bittersweet and emotional, and the rhyme and rhythm are perfect. I loved the variations on the title in the last line of each verse. I'm not a very emotional person, but this touched me in a way I can't explain. Thank you for pointing me towards this piece. I'm afraid the only suggestions I can offer are minor punctuation, take them or leave them:

- Yet somehow, still, it seems so surreal, (change comma to period)
- The days and months have rolled ever on, (change to semicolon)
- But there are moments I can't suppress, (change to semicolon or period)

You are truly a remarkable poet. *Smile* I will have to visit your port again soon to read more of your beautiful poetry. I hope you will do me the honor of giving me your opinion on some of my humble poetry sometime. Never stop writing!


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Review of Bobbie  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
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You are very good at acrostics, Pat. *Smile* This is a great tribute to our Poetry From The Soul leader. I like how you've mixed in personal attributes and interests (racing, humble) with writing things related to WDC (oversees Poetry From the Soul, enjoys reviewing poems). I do, however, have one suggestion:

- I felt like the "R" and "E" line of "READING" said almost exactly the same thing. Perhaps you could come up with something else for one of them? I like the "E" line better than the "R" line, b/c it not only has an action "reviewing," but an emotion "enjoys."

Overall, a good acrostic that could use just a little bit of revising to remove some redundancy. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading!


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Review of Lisa  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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What a wonderful portrait of your friend you have painted in the acrostic. You show many great sides of her - a friend, a person with passion, a person with great faith, creative, and giving of her time and energy. I hope you've showed this to her - I bet she would/did love it! I'm sorry to say that I have no suggestions for this one. Keep up the great work! *Smile*


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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First off, I'm glad you have such a wonderful mentor like this, encouraging you and helping you to improve. I think you have a very good acrostic here, and I like that the theme is specific to a mentor in writing, and all the ways she helps you in your writing endeavors. I have just one general suggestion, take it or leave it:

- I feel like you use the word "write" or a derivative thereof a bit too much. After the first time, the reader knows you are talking about writing. So, I would consider removing "to write" in the "T" line, and simply saying "my successes" in the "R" line.

Overall, a good acrostic that could use just a tad bit of revising to remove some redundancy. Keep up the great work, always a pleasure! *Smile*


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Review of Cats  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
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As a cat-owner myself, cats do indeed have a mind of their own, as you show in this cinquain. And, as you also say, I too respect their attitudes. You have to really earn their love and respect, which is why I'm a cat person, not a dog person. *Smile* I love the "opinionated" - too true, somehow, even though they can't talk, LOL! I do have one suggestion:

- All of the adjectives and verbs you use go along with the "self-confident" in the last line, except "avoiding." This seems to contradict the point you are making. Some cats are indeed very skittish, but the kind of cat you seem to be showing in the rest of the poem is an outgoing, brave one. You might mean it almost in a sense of smart enough to avoid danger, but I can't help but feel there might be a better word, then, a synonym with a more accurate connotation. Just something to consider. In short poems, word choice is incredibly important, more so than in longer poetry.

Overall, a good poem about cats, that says a lot in a few words. Good job!


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