Interesting twist at the end, as far as the motive for the murder. Assisted suicide is a very controversial topic today. Overall, I think you have a good story with enough detail to interest the reader. I love the detail added in about the art exhibit. I also really liked the inner style of narration of the investigator. I can almost hear the old detective music playing in the background, if you know what I mean. I do have several suggestions to make this good story even better, take them or leave them:
- On a thematic note, I thought the part where the investigator is piecing together that Daryl is the culprit went by far too quickly. Try expanding this, adding in more description, perhaps even some dialog when the investigator comes to his apartment. How did he accidentally open the closet with the bandannas? If you can expand this and make the piecing together slower and more subtle, it will create greater suspense and mystery, drawing the reader to keep reading to find out who did it.
- Another thing you could do is expand on the other culprits without dismissing them so quickly, leaving the reader to wonder which one it was.
Some technical notes:
- I was confused at the time-line in the first couple of stanzas. It seems that Marge was telling the story of what happened the night her grandfather was killed. Therefore, I think you want to use some past tense. Some sentences that should be in past tense:
- Should she check on her grandfather? No need to make such a fuss. The sick old man needs his sleep.
- Since it is late already, she decides to go bed.
- Marge says she sleeps deeply that night until eight in the morning, an hour later than usual. Her boss will yell; she knows it. As she rushes out the door, she can barely greet the day-nurse just walking in. (although "says" should be kept present, b/c she is currently telling her story)
- That afternoon, her boss calls Marge into his office.
- Marge asks the oversized policeman with the ruddy complexion.
The fact that these were in present tense caused some confusion for me, b/c at first I thought the detective was there (on the night her grandfather was killed) and asks her whether she should check on her grandfather, and she decides to go to bed, and he's still there when she rushes out the door.
- As she talks(,) I imagine her in a paint(-)smeared coverall with a spatter of titanium(-)white
- She says, for the Monroe County Art Exhibit within days, she needs some fresh pieces and aims for the first place. (This read awkward to me, try changing the word order, like..."She says she needs some fresh pieces for the Monroe County Art Exhibit within days, and that she aims for first place.")
- Between work and her ailing grandfather(,) she has little time during the day.
- "Miss Eckersley. Where is your Grandfather?" (change period to comma)
- When was the last time you saw him. (change period to question mark)
- A neighbor says, most everyone (comma not needed)
- She doesn't seem to care how things turn out. ("turned," since the grandfather has already died)
Overall, I think you have a good story here that could become truly excellent if expanded to increase the suspense. It's a good sign that I want to read more, though...means you've done your job as an author to interest me. Keep up the great work!
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