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Review of Fragrant Gifts  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Once again, perfect on the technical aspects of a haiku. *Smile* I like this one the best, b/c there is almost an inherent turn that wasn't present in the rest. I'm not sure I can explain this well, but normally one thinks of flower as beautiful in themselves, and not as a reminder of God's love for beautiful things. LOL, am I making any sense? Anyway, there does seem to be a slight change of states in this one. I have only one suggestion, or really more something to ponder about:

- you almost seem to imply that God only loves beautiful things, but he loves cockroaches and rats just as much as flowers, although we may find them ugly. So, you might consider rewording a bit. Perhaps it's more showing his love for us through creating something so beautiful? Just something to ponder.

Overall, a very good haiku. Maybe there's a good reason people stop and smell the flowers. *Wink* Keep up the great work!

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Review of Teacher  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Well, I may be a tiny bit biased, since the acrostic is about my future profession, but I think this is the best acrostic I have read from you. *Bigsmile* I think you have captured very well some important aspects of what a teacher is (or at least should be). I especially like the line "celebrates their successes." That, for me, is the greatest reward in teaching, seeing your students succeed. I do have a few minor suggestions:

- In order to avoid repeating "ready" twice, perhaps replace it with "willing" in the "A" line

- "ever(-)learning"

A very good acrostic about the characteristics of a good teacher, the type I hope to become. Keep up the great work! *Smile*


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Review of Thunderstorms  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Well once again, Pat, you have the technical aspect of the haiku down perfectly. *Smile* And I love the personification of the thunder having a voice and the idea of it "shouting God's power." However, I must be honest and say as I did with your other haiku, that I feel this is missing a "turn," a change in states to make it stand out. Here are some suggestions:

- I feel you would have plenty of room to create a turn if you shortened some of the longer words. For instance, "thunderstorms" could just be "thunder" and "darkening" could just be "dark."

- As far as a turn, what about the idea that one should not whisper God's power, but shout it? As an example, you could do something like:

Thunder rumbles through
the sky, not whispering,but
shouting, God's power.

Again, just one example. It's just hard to give a thematic suggestion on a poem this short w/o rewriting completely to explain, but I'm certainly not trying to put words in your mouth! LOL You'll have to play around with it if you decide to revise. *Wink*

- On a more technical note, there is a missing comma after "skies"

Overall, another good haiku that could use a change of states to liven it up some. Let me know if you do decide to revise, I'd be glad to read again! Keep up the great work!


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Review of God's Voice  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This definitely creates an image in the mind. I can see and hear the waves peacefully lapping across the beach. Great job with the imagery! *Smile* You've also got the technical 5-7-5 part down-pact, and I like how each line stands as a separate thought. I feel as if there's a little something missing, though. Something to make it a little more unique. I like the last line, b/c it stands out as more figurative than the rest of the haiku. Also, if you are following a traditional haiku form, the first two lines generally pose a problem which the last line answers or solves. Here are a couple of suggestions:

- What about having the waves violent in the beginning, and then the tide retracts and then the waves are calm. That way, you would have a conflict and a resolution. The only way I can explain this well is to give you an example:

Harsh waves crash the shore.
Night comes, bringing calmer tides -
ripples speak God's peace.

See how there is a turn in the poem? A change in states makes it a bit more interesting. This is only an example (and probably not a very good one), perhaps play around and see what you can come up with. *Wink*

- On a more technical note, compound adjectives require a dash: "powder-white"

Overall, a good haiku that could use just a bit more conflict and tension to make it more interesting and unique, let your own style show through! I hope this review can be of some help. Keep up the good work! I'd be glad to read it again if you decide to revise.


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Review of Soldiers  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Another great formed poem. You should keep learning more forms, you're very good at them. *Smile* I do have a couple of small wording suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would remove "own" in the second line...this is already implied, and thus a bit redundant
- consider changing "destinies" to "fate" to add some alliteration

Great work, I can certainly see why you got an awardicon for this! If you decide to do some tweaking, let me know, and I'd be glad to re-rate. Always a pleasure!



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Review of Infinity, Simply  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like the mix of abstract and concrete concepts of infinity in this. The last stanza is a very powerful conclusion, and a great way to express love. My favorite lines were: "Certainly my thoughts run tirelessly to the phantom summit, / Only to begin below, anew, at the foundation of my ignorance." What a great way to show the rising of thoughts, and then the fall when we realize how little we really know! *Smile* I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would suggest removing the end-line commas and periods, as it has created a couple of technical problems. For instance, the first stanza is a fragment (there's no verb) and the second stanza is a run-on sentence. The ending commas aren't needed anyway, b/c the line break creates a natural pause.
- My logic is mystified(,) pondering magnitude without limit,

Overall, a wonderful poem that tackles a large (literally) and very abstract concept. Keep up the great wor!


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Review of As the Sun Sets  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
For such a short poem, this manages to convey so much emotion. I like the personification of night in "thieving night" and the focus on a single star that somehow seems so important. I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:

- uneasy comfort (to me this seems like an oxymoron; I think you might be getting at the idea of the comfort not being secure or certain...perhaps something like "fragile comfort" would be more accurate)
- although the concluding line is powerful, I think it might work better if expanded into a longer line, or even two lines, like the rest of the poem...maybe something like "As the sun sets, I bury my head in my hands / And I cry"....putting "I cry" on a separate line would also make it stand out more)

Overall, a great, emotional poem that I think could use just the tiniest bit of tweaking. *Smile* Keep up the good work, it was a pleasure to read!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I definitely think you should finish this! I think a whole novel could be made out of this story. *Smile* It held my interest from beginning to end, and I thought it was rather well-written. I love that you included some "pirate dialect," too. I definitely see an interesting plot unfolding. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- One a thematic/plot level, I wish you had given a little more description about the relationship between Charlotte and her father. You include a brief paragraph mentioning all the lessons he taught her, but I really feel like you could include more of these lessons, give the reader a clearer picture of just what type of relationship they had. I felt like there was a big leap between when he sent her away, and all of a sudden, it's 4 yrs later. I think giving a bit more description about their relationship would help the reader emphasize with her loss more.

One a technical note, I do have some editing suggestions (relatively few, for a story this length):
- That is(,) until nearly three months ago.
- He taught Charlotte everything about the sea, sailing(,) and life.
- He taught Charlotte everything about the sea, sailing and life. (would consider placing "the sea" last in this list, as it took me a moment to realize the "her" in the rest of the paragraph referred to the sea)
- in his best pirate voice(,) “fer she’ll turn on ye in a bloody second if yer not careful.”
- I don't think you need the quotes around the letter, as the italics already sets it apart from the narrative
- She was able to tuck her hair under her hat, smear some dirt on her face(,) and pass herself off as a boy
- three(-)cornered hat
- matured so much in the last few years(,) Lisette almost
- red(-)haired
- One, not so willing to let go set her on a tear, “Unhand (comma should be period)
- equality of every man(,) and this belief
- Not for his own personal gain(,) but in the name
- Over the course of fifteen years(,) he had freed
- “So you think it was one of the slavers(,) then?”
- about two years now(,) I think.
- A little chuckle escaped Charlotte, (comma should be period)
- using me for bait(,) now does he?”

Overall, I thought this was very well-written. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I think if you gave just a bit more detail about Charlotte's father, and did some editing, this would be a fantastic first chapter to a longer work! Keep writing!


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Review of How Does It Feel?  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, this has such a powerful message. The interrogative tone of the piece works very well to make the reader stop and think how lucky they truly are. Very simple, direct wording, but it works perfectly for this piece. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- To be loved and fed... (since you've already brought in the idea of having food, perhaps replace "fed" with something like "sheltered" or "clothed")
- I think you could expand along the same lines as the second-to-last paragraph, describing more what it feels like to not have these things, in order to have more thematic balance in the poem, as the poem seems rather heavy on what it feels like to have these things
- So tell me(,) Lucky Ones,

Overall, a very good piece...I just wish it were a bit longer! *Bigsmile* Keep up the great work!




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Review of Rebellious urge!  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think everyone feels this way at some point, just wanting to rebel against everything they've been told and start a totally new direction with their life. The direct, almost stream-of-consciousness manner in which this is written works well for the subject matter. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would suggest removing all of the commas at the ends of the lines...many of them are technically incorrect, and the line break creates a natural pause, anyway
- Oh(,) yes I did good, arranged great games, for friends, (don't need comma after "games")
- Oh yes(,) I was considered crazy and funny, people loving my company,
- Oh yes(,) I was considered clever and wise, for my good spiritual play acting, (don't need comma after "wise")
- That I(,) in truth(,)
- That I in truth, still am clinging to the seeking, (in addition to above suggestion, this line was a bit awkward to read, perhaps switch the position of "still and "am")
- To try and smiling, is only pulling muscles, not feeling, (a bit awkward, would change "smiling" to "smile" and remove the comma after it)
- And maybe, just maybe(,) will I roar! (again, inversion makes this a bit awkard..."I will roar!"
- I would consider removing the last line. I don't think it adds anything to the poem, and in fact, I think it detracts from it a bit....ending with the line before it, in my opinion, makes for a stronger conclusion.

Overall, a good poem. I like how you talk about the two different sides of yourself - what the world sees, and what you see. I think with a little work, this will be an even better piece. I hope this review is of some help. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
What determination you have! This is such a sad poem, a desperate man searching for the right words to show he cares. And I think on some level, every writer can relate to this...when you just can't find the right words to express what you wish to convey. I thought this was fairly well-written, and the rhyme scheme was mostly good, with several imperfect rhymes, but for the most part, they worked well. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Sometimes I wish I could write well, (consider finding a more specific adverb than "well")
- I wish I could say all the right things, (don't need comma)
- that would make my lover(')s heart sing.
- and soft(-)spoken words turn into fights.
- And the right words pour out, like sweat on a brow, (last comma should be semicolon)
- Then I fold up my arms, after all the entrys, ("entries")
- In the last two lines of stanza five, you lose your rhyming and this detracts from the message a bit, since the reader is expecting a rhyme...what about revising the last line to something like "always doubting if I've spoken from my gut"...only an example...a good place to find rhymes is http://www.rhymezone.com/
- then off to the mailbox, that hangs on the wall. (don't need comma)
- Behind curtains I see the postman came, (comma should be semicolon)\
- So it's back to my pen and searching for words. (to keep your capitalization choice consistent, "so" shouldn't be capitalized...also, you lost your rhyming again...what about replacing "words" with "a cure"?)
- Oh how I wish I could say it right, (comma should be semicolon)
- after all she was, the love of my life. (move comma to after "all")
- I can't say for you, but I have no regrets, (a little awkward, perhaps replace "say" with "speak"?...also, the last comma should be a semicolon)

Overall, a good poem, and I like the description and the story it tells. I think it needs just a tad bit of tweaking, and it could turn into a truly excellent piece! *Smile* I hope this review can be of some help. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Well, I'm not sure how exactly to review this in regards to you, since your sister is first and foremost the creator. This is a very excellent first poem, you did a great job helping her with flow and edits! In fact, I only have one suggestion. In the fourth stanza, consider changing "those magical woods" to "that magical wood." This would make the rhyme more accurate, and really you are only talking about one "wood" anyway. Tell your sister she did a great job, in my humble opinion!

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Review of About Me  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have included so many different aspects of yourself in this poem - from a mother to a silly person who sings along with music. *Wink* I like how you have mixed in the good with the bad, too; it's important to recognize our faults as well as our strengths. I do have one suggestion. The line "Open to learn new things" might be better if written a little more generally. Is it just learning you're open to, or new experiences? I would suggest something along the lines of "Open to new experiences." Overall, though, a good acrostic that describes yourself well. Thanks for sharing this and letting me get to know you a little better by reading it! *Smile*


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Review of Season of Storms  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, Pat! I really like this one. The description is excellent, with great word choihce, and the metaphor is subtle. So subtle, in fact, I do wonder if someone didn't read your item description, would they catch the metaphor? If someone didn't read that, I could definitely see them taking this literally, as in your actual house being destroyed. I love the title, but perhaps a different one would help in this matter, something like "Life's Storms" or "Life's Stormy Season." Just a suggestion. *Wink* This was very well-written though, one of your better ones, I think. *Smile* For once I can not think of a single suggestion to improve the actual content of the poem. Keep up the great work!


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Review of I Wonder  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the metaphor of "dancing" in this, especially when you mention your dance card. The regret comes through strongly in this. My favorite lines were: "The bullets spun in the chamber / and this time, one had your name on it." Great expression! *Smile* Overall, I thought this was very well written. I do have a few small suggestions (most to improve the flow in a couple of spots), take them or leave them:

- my dance card full. (I would suggest putting a "was" in front of "card" to make the syllable count more even to the line above it
- I didn't have the energy, (don't need comma)
- or the heart to go round again. (would suggest removing "the" to decrease syllable count, again making the flow a bit smoother)
- because I was hiding behind the door. (to keep from repeating "door," consider revising...perhaps "because I was in hiding...this would also even up syllable count)

A good poem that with a tiny bit of tweaking could become truly excellent! Keep up the good work!


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Review of True Friendship  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great job on this one! I think this defines well what a true friendship is, sharing the joys and sorrows, and you did well for such a restricted form. Also, I didn't see any grammar/punctuation errors, and as you know that's very rare for me! *Smile* The only suggestion I can offer is to consider replacing "kinships" with something a little more contrasting. "Kinship" is a synonym for "friendship," so to make the contrast stand out more, you might want something a little more different, if that makes sense. What about "blood ties," meaning family? Just a suggestion, and as always, take it or leave it. I always love reading your poetry. Keep writing!


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Review of Imagine  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the simple, direct tone of this. I also think the repetition and rhyming works very well for this piece. My favorite line is the last one. It's a very strong ending to this poem (won't give it away for those who come across this on the Reviewing page). I like how this is more general and could apply to anyone who longs for a lost love. I feel like it could use a bit more description, though, perhaps simply adding some adjectives. This would allow you to add a little more of your own unique writing style and would also emphasize the contrast between when the speaker and his love were together vs. now.

- For instance, for the first stanza, you could do something like:

Imagine that carefree time
Imagine that far-away place
Close your eyes and
Imagine my grinning face

This is only an example, and probably not a very good one (especially b/c I was not there, you were!). Perhaps play around with some adjectives, see what you can come up with. *Smile*

- On a more technical note, I feel like the poem would flow a bit better if an "and" was added after "Close your eyes" in each stanza (or perhaps it could be moved to the line below it).

Overall, a good poem that I feel could use just a bit of "jazzing up" to really make it stand out in the reader's mind. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Why ?  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Pat! Decided it was about time I visit your port again. I like the point you bring up in this poem, that the pain we feel is b/c we don't really belong here. I really liked the "answer" part of this poem, the last two stanzas. My favorite lines were : "A home where no tears will dampen / The pages we write on." I feel like the "question" part could use a bit of work, though. Here are my suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I felt like the "aching souls" and "breaking hearts" mentioned in the first stanza were a little too general, a bit "cliche." Perhaps a more unique way of saying this? For example, for the heart..."So many hearts left alone to face the chopping block. "This is only an example, and probably not a very good one, LOL. A more unique expression would leave a stronger image with the reader, and cause them to really stop and think about the message.
- I felt like the third and fourth stanzas said almost the same thing. Perhaps removing one? If you do, I would suggest removing the third, as I thought the fourth was the more unique of the two.

Overall, I loved the message in this, but thought the imagery and expression could use a bit of work. I see a lot of potential with this piece, and think it could be turned into something great! *Smile* Keep up the good work, always a pleasure.


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Review of A Parent's Love  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting piece, the effects of babying a child vs. being harsh to them. I thought it was generally well-written, with a strong message. My favorite line is "Inequitable treatment damaged both." I think that is just so true; many parents, most unintentionally, play favorites with their kids, which is not good for anyone. I have several suggestions to make this good poem even better, take them or leave them:

- A parent’s love: unconditional(,)
- Two children three years(,)
- But worlds(,) apart.
- A momma’s boy, now he's the perfect wife; (I was a bit confused by this line, b/c it seems you're saying that he's a wife, perhaps add a verb? ..."now he's got the perfect wife")
- He turned his back on his sister(,)
- She pitied him his lack of spine, ("she" being the sister or the wife?)
- One dominant woman to another(,)
- The sister had the pair he lacked(,)
- A daughter born opened her eyes(;)
- Never repeat the words of the past(:) (also, would consider replacing "words" with something like "actions," etc, to avoid repetition)
- Love can make it all worthwhile(.)
- Hug them, hold them, safe them keep(;)
- Although I thought the rhyming in the last three stanzas was generally good (except in the second-to-last line, where it caused an awkward inversion), for me, rhyming is either all or nothing. It tripped me up a bit, interrupting the flow, when all of a sudden there was a rhyme scheme where there wasn't before. I thought the first half of the poem worked very well as a free-verse, so I would consider removing the rhyming in the second half.

Overall, a good poem with an important message that was very enjoyable to read. I think with a bit of tweaking, this could be a truly excellent piece! *Smile* Keep up the great work!

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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, you have some great metaphors here - superwoman, a see-saw, a rising cake. I assume this is an into to what will be a folder containing pieces about your experience with bi-polar. If so, this is a great introduction! I thought this was generally well-written, with the contrast of the ups and downs handled in a very good manner. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- The pendulum abruptly stops swinging (consider changing "abruptly" to "suddenly" for an alliterative effect
- I drink the other potion (consider replacing "potion" with a synonym, such as "cocktail"
- I hit an iceberg, start sinking (this line doesn't seem to be as direct an opposite as the rest, what about something like..."The world turns, and I am stranded at the bottom")

Overall, a very good poem that was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work!

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Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
These are sweet, and you use some very unique metaphors. I noticed you did decide to use end punctuation, and to me, it's all or nothing. So, to stay consistent, I do have some technical suggestions:

#2:
- period after "waist"
- comma after "eyes"
- commas instead of dashes in last line

#3
- period after "Singing"
- comma after "sung"
- "comma after "hummed"
- period after "Sings"
- comma after "Glows"
- period after "mist"
- period after "floats"
- comma after "Ornament"
- period after "base"

Overall, a good little collection, and I like the progression until in the third one, the speaker has totally fallen for the sprite. I think with a bit of editorial tweaking, this will be a truly great collection. Keep up the great work!

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Review of Dear Angela  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First response...ooh, creepy. This gave me the chills, and I feel very sorry for poor Angela that she has "won" this guy - who knows if she will come to the same fate? I think this was an excellent take on the picture prompt, very unique. Overall, I thought this was well-written, but I do have a few technical suggestions, take them or leave them:

- a real drag(,) anyway.
- to make it work, I mean(,) she always wore (change comma to semicolon)
- habits of yours, I can really see a difference. (change comma to semicolon or dash)
- I worked until sunrise(,) and I’m sweaty and dirty(,) so I’m going to take a shower
- I would try to vary your sentence structure more, as most of your sentences begin with "I" or "she." This can be done by combining sentences, placing adv/adj clauses first, and other such techniques
- I would try to find some synonyms for "finally"...I was a bit distracted by how often this word was used in paragraphs 2-4

Overall, a good piece and a very enjoyable read. Keep up the great work!

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Review of Let's Take a Hike  
Review by wiggy
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Congrats on the publication! I thought this well-written and will encourage people to hike. I like how you talked about the various benefits of hiking, and how you included a list of stuff to bring. I love to hike, but can only do so on vacation, as I live in Indiana. Boo! *Frown* LOL. I'm sure you'll probably have an editor looking over this, but I did find a few small punctuation things:

- Choose flat scenic trails(,) allowing
- So they too, could learn (don't need comma)

A good write! Keep up the great work!

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Review of Special Delivery  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Messages in bottles? I didn't know ppl really did that anymore, LOL. I was intrigued by the idea. I did feel it ended very abruptly, though. What were the white granules - bird poop? If so, I don't think "granules" is the right word...perhaps "droppings." It left me wondering what's the point in all of this? I think the ending needs a bit of expanding so the reader can better take away the message you're trying to get across. Other than that, I have a few technical suggestions, take them or leave them:

- sweeping away my footprints(,) when suddenly
- after the attacks (what attacks? might want to explain)
- two(-)mile morning walk (compound adjective)
- during that big Nor’easter(,) and had stubbornly
- in the roots(,) and once a kite, still flying
- in the second and third sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would use question marks instead of periods
- tourist artists, ("touring")
- branches(,) was an odd(-)shaped
- bottles in out at the Point(,) with dreams (would remove "in," as it is already kind of implied, and "in out" is a bit awkward to read)
- anyone(,) even though
- nearby(,) hoping

Overall, I thought this was a good start to a story that could become much better with some tweaking. Keep up the great work!

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Review of Honor  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A very good poem, and so true! My favorite lines were "In some cultures, life without honor / is too shameful to be endured." I didn't notice any punctuation/grammar errors, which is VERY rare for me, so great work with that! I do have one very small suggestion:

- as fools (would remove "as")

An excellent poem! I like the direct style it was written in. Sorry I can't offer any more suggestions, but I think this is almost perfect as-is. *Bigsmile* Keep up the great work!

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