This is a well-written article with a powerful message. So many Americans take their freedoms for granted and look upon Memorial Day as nothing more than a day off work. I think you could perhaps expand on the types of freedoms we take for granted, and how people in other countries don't have these freedoms. Other than that, I noticed a couple of technical things:
- I still recall with amusement, the day I phoned my father (don't need comma)
- wealth of cultural exposure that(,) to this day, I will
- there were, however, local incidents (don't need the "however," as you already have - set up a contradiction with "even though" in this sentence)
- freedoms we all continue to enjoy, would be a thing of the past. (don't need comma)
Overall, a great article, and an important one that everyone should read. Keep up the great work!
Wow, this is very good for just "playing with ideas." I love the different versions of resurrection shown in each stanza. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- I would suggest removing the periods, as most are fragments, and the line break forces a pause, anyway, so they aren't needed
- I wonder why you have an AB rhyme scheme in the first two lines of the second and forth stanza, but not in the first and third...perhaps this was unintentional. I would either add in rhyme to the first and third stanza, or remove the rhyme in the second and last, to stay consistent (and I actually would suggest the latter, since this appears to be a free verse poem, except in those four lines)...a rhyme scheme that appears sparingly can distract a reader.
Overall, though, a very good poem. Keep up the great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Pat, you're darn right you DO have the touch! LOL. And you are certainly a poet, no doubt about that. This is a very cute little poem, and your humbleness shines through in it. The only suggestion I can offer is that the period after "Writing-Dot-Com should be a dash, as the following line is a fragment otherwise. Keep up the great work! Always a pleasure!
I think you have some good word choice and images here, and I especially like the use of colors. My favorite line is "on dream-spun wings of light." I think this is a strong poem as is, but I do have a few suggestions:
- I would consider revising the second-to-last line a bit, to make it more action- centered, what about..."listening to fairies whisper"
- I think you could definitely expand this poem. I would like to see more of this journey and have some more details. I wonder what kind of dancing you do on the clouds, or what the fairies whisper about. I think if you could describe these things in more detail, it would make the poem come more alive.
Overall, though, a very good free-verse poem. Keep up the great work!
Aww, what a bitter-sweet piece of writing. What a special thing, to be able to have your mother visit you in a dream like this. I thought this was also well-written, and the emotions are clearly expressed. I wish I could remember my dreams this well. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- habit(-)forming
- the ones she lunched with, played Bunko with(,) who died before her.
- familiar wad (of) tissue in her hand.
- heaven (should be capitalized)
- biggest cut up (cut-up)
A very enjoyable and interesting read, but bittersweet as well. The issues I mentioned above are very minor, and this left such an impression on me, I couldn't give it anything less than a 5. I hope writing this has given you some comfort. Write on!
This piece just breaks my heart. Your sorrow and desperation come through strongly in this poem. You also did very well with the rhyming, the word choice never seemed forced, and it didn't cause any awkward word-order inversions. Great job with that, it's something I can't do very well, LOL. There is such emotion in this piece, and I thought it was overall very well-written. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- And despite “us” feels like a true gift from above (seems you are missing a word here, perhaps...And despite everything, "us" feels...")
- But tonight my neck is kinked(,) averting my stare
- That with stability stolen, I (am) left unable to bend
- So baby, please try to see from my red. swollen eyes (period after "red" should be comma)
- I love you so much(,) though I’m drowning within
- “Cause (should be an apostrophe... ' )
- As mere moments before me, you stumbled through our door (not sure why "me" is there? I would suggest removing it, as it is a bit awkward)
- Yet, no where I get as calmly I peer (I think the word here is a bit awkward, what about..."Yet, I get nowhere as I calmly peer"...notice this keeps the rhyme, still)
- To learn what it is that feverishly grabs(,) drawing you
- Right now(,) if you chose(,) are here for the taking
- Please put and ("an") end to my anguish(-)filled sorrow
A great poem (although very sad). I hope things turned out all right. Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Wow, I really like this metaphor for depression. As I'm sure you know from my poem "Way Out," I suffer from this, too. I think this describes so well what depression does to you, draining you of all joy and personality. And it's also appropriate b/c when you're depressed you don't see shades of gray, thoughts are all black and white. The only suggestion I can offer is to perhaps tie a metaphor to the "rest in the shade" and "cool water." From the second half of that stanza, you seem to suggest that compassionate words from others are the "rest in the shade," but I think you could make the metaphorical link stronger, if you get what I mean. But this is more of just a thought I had reading that stanza, and this is an excellent poem, so truthfully written....I couldn't give it anything less than a 5. Your writing keeps getting better and better, I have another new favorite from your port. Keep up the great work!
I do like this version a lot better. The first line is much more descriptive and non-literal, and using "crowns" as the verb in the next line is great - brings in the image of a halo of light, almost. I think I would still work on the last line a bit, see if you can bring in an adjective for "roars," like "Brazen roars a threat." I don't think you really need "to foes," as this is already implied. Also, a couple of punctuation things:
- the comma at the end of the first line isn't needed
- the period at the end of the second line should be a comma
Overall, this is a much better version. Keep up the great work!
I don't believe I've ever read a haiku about a dragon, interesting idea. Again I feel like this could use a bit more of the non-literal, and perhaps a more unique way of description (i.e. word choice) so that the images are more vivid. A great resource to use is http://thesaurus.reference.com/. The best I can do to explain what I mean is to again give my version of your haiku:
Stately green-scaled wings
Unfold to reveal a glimpse
Of a deadly blaze
Again, don't get discouraged by the rating. I think you have a great concept here that just needs some tweaking. I hope my reviews can be of some help, and if you decide to revise, let me know, and I'll gladly re-review and re-rate. Keep writing! You're off to a great start!
Now THIS is a good haiku. I love the image of "wings of crystal." I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- I would put a comma after "night" in the first line
- I think in the second line, you could use a more unique adjective than "glowing"...what about "blushing"? This would also personify the moon.
- this is really personal preference, but what about replacing "with" in the last line with "on"? I can't really explain it, but there is a slight difference in intonation between these two.
Overall, a very good haiku. Keep up the good work!
I like how the focus on this is narrow, which allows you have very specific details and description about the lion. I think this is a very good start, and I especially like how you incorporated the idea of the lion as a king. I feel like this is missing a poetic quality, though. I think you could revise this to include more metaphor, alliteration, etc., make it more non-literal, which is really the essence of poetry. I also think a slight "twist" on the lion as king would make it more original. You have plenty of room to do so, if you remove some of the "penny words," as they're called (his, the, etc.). The only way I can explain this is to give you an example of how I might write this poem:
Mane of many suns
Marks his position - rightful
Czar of all in sight.
This is only on example (and probably not the best one, LOL), but you catch my drift. I hope you are not discouraged by my rating. I am only one person, and am certainly no expert at haiku. I think this poem has a lot of potential. If you do decide to revise, let me know, and I'd be glad to take a second look at it, re-review and re-rate. Keep up the good work!
Perfecto! The changes work great, especially the change in the fourth line to "raging." Great revisions, even better than what I suggested. It's certainly worthy of a 5 now. Have you sent either version to her yet (this or the free-verse)? I really think she'll be flattered beyond works. Good luck in the contest, I hope you win!
Oh wow, this is awesome! I'm not sure which version I like better. I have only two suggestions, both rather minor:
- 'whelming is a bit awkward...perhaps there is a synonym that could be shortened easier, like..."o'powering" or "o'bearing"? and then perhaps you could remove "the," as it isn't really needed
- Compassion is /Her cloak; and / Strength, a / Shield. (the semicolon should be just a comma, and you might consider changing "a" to "her" to keep a similar structure..if you do change to "her," a comma after "Strength" isn't needed")
Overall, a great poem, as always. These were really minor things, and the only reason this isn't a 5 is b/c the 'whelming interrupted the flow a bit, for me. Keep up the great work!
Such a wonderful tribute to your sister! I'm sure she will be thrilled to receive a poem like this! There are only two suggestions I can offer:
- in the second stanza, "embedded" doesn't quite seem the right word...it applies perfectly to the rock, but doesn't work as well for a person...what about something like "steadfast" or "fixed"
- in the line "are amazed by its purity." I think you might want to use "her" instead of "its," unless you are referring to just her beauty and not her as a whole
Overall, an excellent poem, and these are minor suggestions that are more what stood out to be, personally. Keep up the great work! I'm sure she'll love it!
The way this is written make it visually interesting. It is indeed sad that a relationship can come to this. Overall, this is well-written, with a good message. I have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- He said, she said(,) and both were sad
- that was all(-)consuming
- leaving little but scar tissue, (I would remove the comma...end-punctuation is a choice in poetry, but it should be consistent...thus, I would either remove this comma, or add in commas, periods, and question marks where they would normally be)
- what should have been done(,) not applicable
- Who's fault has no bearing in a no(-)fault world ("who's" should also be "whose" here)
- consider separating "sad" from the rest of the last stanza, to increase the impact
A good poem, and an enjoyable read. Keep up the great work!
Aww, what a cute story, I can just imagine this happening. This was overall, well-written and entertaining to read. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- Brown eyes blinked open(,) and Elizabeth sat up in bed.
- There were several places when the girl was talking that you might want to consider changing the periods and/or commas to exclamation marks, such as "I'm finally five," "Wait, I know,” and “Mommy, Daddy, wake up. It’s my birthday but I can’t find my presents"
- Bounding out the door, she ran downstairs to the living room. Elizabeth scampered into the dining room. (This didn't quite read right to me, perhaps combining the two sentences..."Bounding out the door, she ran downstairs to the living room, and then scampered into the dining room.")
- “But, Mommy,” She crossed her arms. ("she" shouldn't be capitalized, and I think you could add more description into the tag line..."...she pouted, crossing her arms")
- “Mommy,” She looked up at her with tears in her eyes. ("she")
Overall, a good piece that could use just a tad bit of tightening up. Keep up the great work! Thanks also for signing my guestbook. I Iook forward to getting your feedback on some of my stuff, too. Keep writing!
What a powerful message, and this is written very well to convey this important message. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- carrying on her face such a huge blemish, and with no way short of plastic surgery to hide it. (read a little awkward, what about.."carrying such a huge blemish on her face, with no way, short of plastic surgery, to hide it.")
- They(,) in turn(,) increase our happy mood.
- It requires no translation(,) no matter what
- oldest person on earth ("Earth")
A great piece about the power of a simple smile. Keep up the great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
This is a great descriptive tribute to this piece of art. I think this is very well-written. Descriptive poetry is not really my favorite, but I still enjoyed this and thought it an excellent example of this type of poetry. I also did not find any punctuation/grammar errors (extremely rare for me). The only suggestion I can offer is to perhaps include a link to an image of this artwork (I'm sure you can find one online), so that those not familiar with it can see what you're talking about. Keep up the great work!
Another great poem, Pat. I think it has plenty of emotion, and I love the progression, with the crying becoming more and more silent, and then less and less. I do not think you overdid it with the number emphasis markers, but I do think you should choose one and stick to it, instead of having some bold, some italic, some underline, some all-caps, as it was just a bit distracting. Personally, I like the bold, as it jumps out on the page at first glance. I have some other, more specific suggestions, and as always, take them or leave them:
- I weep; I wail, shaking with rage. (I would either replace the semicolon with a comma, or with "and"...personally, I like the latter)
I do not cry silently! (Here I would use an emphasis marker on "not," since you do so in the 5th stanza)
- With the rash of a long-neglected diaper. (Maybe..."With a rash from...")
- This face shows no love-only frustrated despair. (replace dash with comma)
- I am shaken and screamed at-I don't know why! (replace dash with either semicolon or period.)
- It is all that I know-I know nothing else. (same here)
- I've learned this truth in my short time on earth. ("Earth")
- These faces and hands are not so cruel. (replace period with comma, since the next line begins with "but.")
- I can even be angry--and still be safe. (replace dash with comma)
I think this is a powerful poem with great emotion. I wouldn't worry about what that particular reviewer said, especially b/c this has received an awardicon and has a 5 rating! The only thing keeping it from a 5 for me where the few more minor things I mentioned above. Keep up the great work! Always a pleasure!
Hello! I'm here to return the favor, since you read my piece "Exotic Dancers." For such a short poem, you say a lot with it. You have some good images and metaphors as well. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:
- In the second line, I would change "dry" to "dried" and the semicolon should be a comma
- The third line reads a bit awkward, needs a bit of tweaking...it was almost as if you were skirting around the metaphor...what about revising this to something like "The pathos surrounds it with a vibrant, mournful aura" (the uncertain nature of the words "like" and "some" weakened the line a bit)
- In the last line, replace the colon with a comma
Overall, a powerful poem, and the only reason it is not a five for me is b/c of the minor things mentioned above. (I'm a stickler for grammar/punctuation, LOL.) I hope this review is helpful in some way. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the great work! I have a couple of poems in my port dealing with the similar issue of my depression and suicidal thoughts, called "Way Out" and "I Found a Way Out," which is a hopeful sequel to the former. You might want to check them out some time. Keep writing!
This is a great patriotic tribute to our flag. I love in the first stanza how you took each color in the flag and related it to something in nature. I also like the alliteration at the end of the second stanza..."crucial communion of continents..." I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:
- I did not understand the first line...is the "rock" you're referring to the Earth? Or are you just trying to get across the steady and dependable nature of the flag. I think this line needs some revision to clarify.
- spreading peace, as if fragrance (would change to "spreading peace like a fragrance")
Overall, a very well-written poem that was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work!
I'm not one of the "challengers" this week, but this caught my attention on the Simply Positive page. Thank you for this great reminder. It is indeed why we (or at least most of us) are here - to improve our writing. And what a great idea to use the genres in the poem. The only suggestion I can offer is that in the second stanza, you say "it's in my Nature." What's in your nature? Are you referring back to the first part of that line, words are in your Nature? I would suggest perhaps expanding this line. "It's in my Nature to..." Overall, a good poem with an even greater message. Keep up the excellent work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Wow, this evokes a powerful emotion of sympathy for this "Quiet One." The only suggestion I can offer is to perhaps use periods where appropriate. For me, it is all or nothing with regards to punctuation in poetry, and since you have question marks and commas, I would suggest using periods as well. Overall, though, a great poem. Keep up the good work!
Hmm, very interesting. This was a a quite clever play on this well-known adage. The only suggestion I can offer is to revise the last line a bit. The fact that you have to put something in parentheses to explain "principle" detracts from the piece a bit. How about saying "...and give me some credit." That way, you have the double meaning of earning monetary credit and (especially with the "face value" part) giving someone credit that they're being truthful. Overall, a very intriguing and clever read. Keep up the great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
I love the way you've told this, interspersing narration with the song. And I found only two things I would change grammar wise:
Closing his eyes(,) he could still see
With a deep sigh, he laid aside his guitar, stood up(,) and walked slowly out into the darkness.
Finding only two is very, very rare for me, so great job on that! I think you did an excellent job on this story, and it was a very enjoyable read. Keep up the great work!
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This is a very cute little poem, and your humbleness shines through in it. The only suggestion I can offer is that the period after "Writing-Dot-Com should be a dash, as the following line is a fragment otherwise. Keep up the great work! Always a pleasure!
Keep up the good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.