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Review of Chapter 1-3  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (3.0)
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SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE REVIEW, BUT IT ACCIDENTALLY SENT BEFORE I WAS DONE! *Blush*


I like the unique concept behind this, and I can see Marty and David starting to become friends. I thought you did well setting up the suspicion David has of Marty, and I liked the details you included about all of his different clothes, and how the lizard shoots blood from his eyes. Is this something lizards can really do, btw? Just curious. I thought this was a good first chapter. *Bigsmile* I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I think you could spend a little more time developing David's character. It's okay that we don't know much about Marty, since David doesn't either and you want him to be a little mysterious, but the reader should have a good sense of Marty's personality. Right now, I can't quite tell what he's like. Try to add in little habits or actions that give us clues to his character. For instance, if he's a nervous person, you could have him tapping his fingers or pacing the room as he waits for Marty. Just play around with him a bit, make him stand out in the reader's mind. Wink


Some editorial notes:
- The story was riddled with technical errors, and although I tried to list all of them I found, you should go back through yourself, as well as go through your other chapters and catch similar errors (for my sake, at least, LOL). Some common mistakes you made that you should watch out for are:

* dialog punctuation (when the tag is a vocal action, then a comma is used, not a period)
* when two phrases are connected by an "and" and the subject changes, a comma is needed)

- metropolis (of) Geltempo City.

- David('s) back was black(,) and (he had a) grey(-)striped coat. ("gray")

- Geltempo City was divided into two sections. (begin a new paragraph here, since you are no longer talking about David)

- Metal sidewalks with guardrails stretched out from building to building(,) forming complex lattice(s) throughout Upper-Level for those who were to(o) tired to, or couldn't(,) fly.

Under Upper-Level was Ground-Level Geltempo(,) were all the land(-)bound creatures, such as David, dwelled. ("were" should be "where")

(But) Today was not David's day. (adding this "but" would create a smoother transition)

- His girlfriend(,) no longer able to put up with his unemployment(,) had recently broken up with him.

- His left ear stood taller than his right(,) which looked like half of it had been hacked off.

- A strong(-)smelling cigar hung limply from his mouth(,) sending a lazy trail of smoke into the air.

- "I heard you were looking for a roommate." He said. (change period to comma and don't capitalize "he")

- If he could some how get behind himself, ("somehow")

- Realizing that he couldn't afford to be just scraping by on the (rent) every month,

- "Okay then, um.. Come in." He said (same as above...period should be comma and "he" doesn't need capitalized)

- "Marty Mask(.)"

- "David Wilkins(,)" David answered(,) accepting it.

- He winced a little when he felt Marty's viselike grip.("vice-like")

- "So what? This is what it'll be looking like if I start living here." Marty said(,) kicking aside a pizza box. (change period after "here" to comma)

- Then(,) sensing David's agitation(,) he smiled and said. "Don't worry, when you see how messy I am you'll be ready to kick me out. (change period after "said" to comma)

- The next week he began to move (h)is stuff in.

He had a box full of miscellaneous objects and a large oak desk. Looking at the clothes he usually wore, a faded t(-)shirt(,) and some slightly ragged(-)looking jeans, he didn't strike David as exactly a fashion fanatic, (change comma after "jeans" to semicolon)

- He had everything from very expensive tailor-made suits to dirty(-)looking holey clothes that looked like something only a street bum would be caught wearing.

- Marty's only responded by saying that he needed a wide variety of clothes to choose from in his line of work. (remove possesive - "Marty only responded...")

- David didn't know exactly what Marty's occupation was(,) but after a week or two he began to grow very curious.

- Very often beasts of various species knocked on his door(,) asking to talk with Marty Mask.

- He tried asking Marty about it(,) but he was again elusive in his answer by only saying that they were his clients.

- That was about around the time David woke up. About around ten o'clock after this morning ritual he began working. (use either "about" or "around," not both)

- After an hour or two(,) if it wasn't too late and he didn't get any more clients,

- Now(,) the crime rate all throughout Geltempo City was very high(,) especially around the area David lived in.

- the seemingly endless barrage of complaints that pored in every day. ("poured")

- There were plenty of gangs ravaging the streets at night(,) and there were even a few organized crime groups headed by much older and sinister beasts then the juvenile delinquents that only dealt in petty crimes. ("then" should be "than")

- David knew there was no place in Geltempo that was completely safe from crime(,) but David definitely wasn't going to share his apartment with a criminal.

- demand to know exactly just what his job was(,) but he had already left on his morning walk.

- "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR SNOUT OUT OF MY BUSINESS(,) YOU ROTTEN RACCOON!!!"

- "Look buddy, Marty said he doesn't talk to any clients before 10 o'clock(,) and I'll tell you another thing, I don't appreciate you banging on my door like that and spraying your slobber all over me(,) especially this early in the morn-"

- "Now you listen to me(,) fleabag, when that raccoon gets here,

- "Now you listen to me(,) reptile, I don't know who you are or what your problem with Marty is(,) but if you come here banging on my door

- "Ernie, what a pleasant surprise. You came you see me(,) I understand?"

- "You!" He shouted after he recovered from his surprise. ("you")

- "Well if that's what you're so worked up about(,) then I have some good news and no(t) so good news for you, (change comma to period)

- So you can rest easy, (change comma to period)

- When Marty said that last part(,) Ernie stepped back in surprise.

- "Well(,) I suppose that means you found out." Ernie snarled. (change period after "out" to comma)

- He pointed in Marty's face(,) who had just whirled around.

- "Alright(,) both of you get your paws up and get in the apartment now!"

- "I was just going to beat you up(,) but I see I'm going to have to do more than that now! Hey cat!" He said(,) pointing the gun at David. "Get those paws up." ("he")

- "Look I-I don't know w-what this is a-all about." David stammered quickly. (change period after "about" to comma)

- "Get your flea-ridden paws off me(,) you mammal scum!"

- The gun went with off a loud bang(,) but Marty was able to push Ernie's arm so that the bullet flew harmlessly to the right(,) breaking a lamp.

- With almost blurring speed(,) Marty picked the gun up(,) and before he knew it(,) Ernie was staring down the barrel of his own gun.

- "Make one move(,) and I put a bullet right through your head." Marty said. (change period after "head" to comma)

- Suddenly the door busted(,) and a doberman cop in plan clothes ("plain")

- "Alright(,) everyone freeze! GPD!!." The doberman shouted. ("the")

- , "Well Anya, You took your time getting here, as usual." Marty said to the doberman. (remove extra comma at beginning and change period after "usual" to comma)

- "Maybe I was hoping scale-face over here might plug you." Anya said(,) motioning for a golden retriever to put Ernie in cuffs. (change period after "you" to comma)

- The lizard knew that the game was up(,) so he initiated his body's most primitive defense mechanism, he hit the dog squarely in the face (change comma after "mechanism" to semicolon)

- but he never made it past Anya(,) who bought the butt of her gun down hard on Ernie's head.

- With a grunt Ernie fell over and crashed into David's glass coffee table(,) shattering it into a million tiny pieces.

- "Let's see if you can cuff him right this time." She growled at the retriever. (change period after "time" to comma, and it should be "she")

- "See," Marty said. "Told you I was messier than you are." (change period after "said" to comma, "told," and I would remove "are")


Overall, a good start to a story, but it could use a bit more work on character development, and some thorough editing. I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!


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Review of Except  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the contrast you have here, and how you question the assumption that the light is better than the dark. And I like the alienation you have imparted by the phrase "except for me." Adding in the dialog in the last line was a nice touch, too. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- This poem fell a bit flat, for me. I think the two main reasons for this are:

* The poem is very general, with not much description, and thus I was unsure what it's even about. What is the "white little room" you speak of? Try to add in more description, so the reader can connect with it better.
* The poem seems to be a bit too literal in nature. Try to add in some metaphor, vivid wording, etc. For example, instead of just saying "It's all dark," you could say something like "The sun has abandoned me, leaving only shadows." See how that's a bit more vivid in the reader, leaves a deep impression?

Some editorial notes:
- stay consistent with punctuation...since you don't use end-line commas and periods, I would simply capitalize the beginning of each line.

- Its all dark ("it's")
- It hurts my eyes, its so bright ("it's")
- Its better than the darkness ("it's")


Overall, this seems like a good start to a poem, with a good concept, but I think it could use some work. I hope this review can be of some help. Keep writing! *Smile*


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Review of Just Hold Me Now  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A sweet love poem. I love happy endings! *Smile* I take it to be about two lovers looking forward to being reunited soon, and I like the idea of one "night full of love." I could feel the emotions coming out in the piece. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I was confused by your inconsistent rhyming. Stanzas 1,2, and 6 rhyme, but 3-5 don't, and this interrupted my reading. I see that all of the end-words of the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza end in -ing, but this doesn't constitute a rhyme, so I would suggest either removing the rhyming, or adding it in to the stanzas that don't have it. This would make the poem feel more unified and satisfy the reader's expectations, since once there is a rhyme scheme, the reader expects it to be maintained


Some editorial notes:
I think being consistent w/ punctuation will help the flow of this piece. Punctuation in poetry, for me, is all or nothing:

- You went and got me a diamond ring(.)
- Your response was starkly daring(.)
- With not a little bit of tarrying(.)
- I had but little time, (remove comma)
- To be so passionately appealing(.)
- My heart, so loudly beating(.)
- But my gift to you, is nearing (remove comma)
- Do not throw it away this morning(.)
- My love, quit despairing(.)


Overall, a good poem, but I feel it could use some work with the rhyming and punctuation. Keep writing!


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Review of Never forget...  
Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I can definitely say this poem is very unique, and it must have been hard to line the words up like that. I have never read the piece you say this is in response to, but I get the sense from the poem that these little girls were killed in a church, perhaps even in an explosion? I could be totally off, but anyway...I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- "monstrous hate's victims!" (This made no sense to me..."hate is victimes"? Was it supposed to be "hater's"?)


Other than that part, which could be a simple typo, I thought this was well-written and interesting. *Bigsmile* Keep up the great and creative work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can so picture this scene, and thought you did great writing about it! *Laugh* I'm not a mother yet, and I was pretty much an only child, but I've been around my nieces and nephews at their house, and oh boy. I thought your rhyming and rhythm were great, never seeming forced, and I liked all the different examples you included to show how they took over your stuff....it really lets the reader into your world. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- "Mom doesn't care...Plus...I need to look cool." (would replace first ellipsis with either semicolon of comma)

- The veins in my neck popped out - even fatter. (would remove dash)

- "It's really okay." I say, now that I'm calm. (first period should be comma, and I would replace the second with a comma too)


Overall, a great poem that could perhaps use just a tiny bit of editing to the punctuation, but this didn't distract from the message. I still feel it deserves a 5. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I like the sense of mystery added in at the end with the tree. And ending it with someone knocking on the window keeps the reader wanting to read on. *Smile* I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- In the sentence, "Beth's Father, Daniel, came into her room..." you abruptly switch point of view from a third person to first person. Since most of it is in first person, and since I think it might be important to this story to hear Aimiee's inner thoughts, I would change the first few sentences to first person. For example..."I never thought this day could get any worse."

- Try to add in more description and SHOW things through the actions of the characters instead of simply TELLING. I think a lot more detail could be added about her Aunt's house, and the scene where they discover her parents are missing.

- I would remove some of the "so"s as it gets repetitive and hinders the reading.

Some editorial notes:
- her parents(') funeral.
- Beth and Amiee have been Best Friends since First grade! (change "have" to "had," and "best friends" and "first" don't need capitalized)
- my parents(') friends
- My dad(')s brother
- I heard someone Knocking ("knocking" doesn't need capitalized)


Overall, I think you had a good idea for a story here, but that it needs a lot of work. Keep writing!


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Review of Sci the guy  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
It is wonderful to pay tribute to a friend, and you have related well your experience taking the time to know Sci. I like the 3rd paragraph, where you discussed various aspects of Sci, showing he is a varied individual, like all people are. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would include a link to Sci's port, or his blog, so that readers will know who you're talking about and be able to read his work. If you don't know how to do this, let me know and I can help you.

- Last night while in chat; I began to read (change semicolon to comma)
- to support his family(,) and writing
- is just that (-) a man,
- real feeling's, real pains, and who get's his feeling(s) ("feelings" and "gets")
- Read his Sci space(;) it was
- enlightening experience. And made me thankful (combine)


Overall, a nice tribute to a friend. *Smile* Thanks for sharing! Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I think you did a really good job with details in this short piece. I could picture it clearly. And you had only one technical error (noted below) However, it seems like this is far too short, like it would be a small snippet of something much longer. The murder seemed rather random, with no rhyme or reason behind it. It really leaves me hanging when I'm done reading it - I want to know where the bag-boy goes, and follow his story, what was his motivation for doing this? You've got me interested as a reader, and now, as the writer, should satisfy that curiosity.

- from eyes already glazed(,) and she collapsed


Overall, this seems like a good start to a much longer story. Just, MORE please! *Smile* Keep up the good work!


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Review of A Ghostly Poem  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oooh, I just watched The Shining last night, so this was right up my alley at the moment. I thought this was well-written, with an overall good flow and rhyme which never seemed forced. I liked how the ghosts were friendly, but mischievous, and how the family accepts them. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- The price that was asked seemed too good to be true. (might flow better if you remove "that was")
- The first night in the house, we bed down for some dreams. (I would consider removing "the" and changing "bed" to "lay")
- Our children in turn woke, with alarming screams. (comma not needed)
- The boy and the girl were as sweet as can be; (change semicolon to dash, and "can" to "could" to keep a consistent past tense)
- Her in a dress; him in shorts and a tee. (change semicolon to comma)
- Always a delight; Always the clown. (change semicolon to comma)
- This home sweet home is where the little tykes will always belong. (This line seemed a bit too long to me...what about just saying "they" instead of "little tykes")


Overall, I think this is a good poem that could perhaps be even better with a bit of tweaking. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Blindfolded  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hehe, this was cute...I can just imagine someone being blindfolded and having to kiss a lot of guys to find their love. I thought this was well-written and flowed pretty smooth. Your rhyming never seemed forced. And the short and snappy lines added to the lighthearted feel. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I think it might add to the poem if there was a stanza where the speaker takes off the blindfold to confirm she's right, perhaps between the second-to-last and last stanza. Just something to ponder. *Wink*


Some editorial notes:
- if you are the one? (This might read a little smoother if you use a contraction- "you're")
- the search has begun, (change comma to either semicolon or period)
- you've got to know ("You've")


Overall, a cute poem that was very enjoyable to read. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, powerful words Harry! And so truthful! This read simply, almost like prose, and yet the line breaks made it as emotionally charged as poetry should be. I love the way you point out, very bluntly, the inconsistencies in people...chilling to think what people can do in the name of their "god." I love your last stanza...those two simple lines say so much and are so brutally truthful they gave me shivers. *Bigsmile* I do have a couple of very minor suggestions, take them or leave them:

- How can zealots be so religious(,)
- No reason seemingly is too petty (would remove the "is" for a better flow to this line)


Overall, a great piece, and the suggestions are very minor and did not affect the power of your piece, so I still think it deserves a 5. Keep writing!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Such a sad story, but you have told it well. I loved the details you added in about the Math problems and such, and Jaya waiting for him in the chair so she could open the door quickly enough. Once again, your storytelling style is outstanding. *Bigsmile* I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- There seems to be a big jump when you talk about it being 10 yrs before they could live separately. See if you can stretch the whole scene where the father is finally caught out a bit more, adding more detail so it doesn't seem so rushed, like you were trying to wrap up the story.


Some editorial notes:
- with satisfaction; the Ninja Turtles (change semicolon to dash)
- note that rose and fell, Nikhil turned (change comma to either semicolon or dash)
- In the midst of the barrage of questions(,) his feet found sure footholds carved by a myriad (of) exploring feet.
- for the last month(,) so he made a surprise appearance
- had been pleasurable, his Dad (change comma to dash)
- His stood bewildered, ("He")
- Indeed(,) she had even given him
- as well as for the still and frozen attitude (change "as well as for" to "as he was for")
- She knew the child well; quiet but (change semicolon to dash)
- like an infant’s(,) and the sobs
- As the tale progressed(,) it became more assured and(,) later(,) indignant.
- crystallized in her mind(,) but she struggled
- with practiced ease(,) and a deft grab
- in five minutes flat; but had gained nothing (change semicolon to comma)
- hover in the air(,) ready to descend
- carried the key, the door was never to be left open(,) and yet he was angry (change comma to dash)
- hall rocking chair; just so (remove semicolon)
- in the early morning(,) and his train being delayed
- over the young child,;her guilt made her feel threatened, (and) she made (remove extra comma before semicolon)
- first one shoe(,) then the other,
- tossed about her fore-head(,) and Jaya smoothed it back and gave tNanni's (remove extra "t")
- two knees in adorned (remove "in")
- tension was released(,) and Nanni slumped
- she made her way out of the room(,) and Nikhil,
- still(-)chattering daughter.
- had laid out for her, before her father (remove comma)
- The inevitable occurred, she was soon asleep (change comma to semicolon)
- [i}Papa would not like these nice people to think ill of him. I should not have betrayed him so. I am glad he need not know that I was disloyal as well as unworthy. (I think you meant this to be in italics)
- kept their miseries to themselves(,) and Nanni
- provide for you very well(,) you know
- he confided in you years ago(,) and yet you never hinted
- never heave let ("have")
- Could you not (have) even hinted
- enough of that(,) too.
- for my present job.” Jaya said (change period to comma)


Overall, a very good story. I hope my review can be of some help. As far as your offer to return reviews goes, I don't have a particular piece I need reviewed...you can just find something that catches your eye, if you want. *Wink* Keep up the great work!

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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a bit hard to review, since it's only a small snippet of a much larger work, and thus a bit out of context. But here goes, I'll do my best. I liked the setting you describe, and I assume that when you write the actual story, that it will be incorporated in smoothly, instead of straight-forward like you have it here. I thought the dialog was well-done and realistic...I liked the use of informal words like "gunna," as it adds to the characterization and realism. I also liked how you followed the sunlight into Samuel's bedroom...it would be a good opening to the the story. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Although I can't comment much on thematic content since this isn't finished, I will say that good physical description of the characters and their surroundings is important to help the reader picture the story clearly. Small detail about habits and such can also help us get a sense of their personality.

Some editorial notes:
- It's criss-crossed streets ("Its" since you are not saying "it is," but showing possession....also, "crisscrossed")
- Samuel(')s window
- as it does every Sunday morning, awake him (you switched tenses here to the present..."did"...."awake" is correct, b/c of the infinitive "to" that is carried over from "to travel")
- as he rolled out of bed, (change comma to period)
- after some thought(,) replied,
- "Ew(,) momma!"


Overall, seems like a good start to a story. Feel free to post it in my forum when it's done! Keep up the good work!


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Review of Litrophilia  
Review by wiggy
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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I must say, this is one of the most unique subjects I've come across. I'd never thought about someone dying from overusing the Internet, but I guess anything's possible. I liked the use of onomatopoeia to describe the sound of typing away. The use of many progressing -ing verbs makes the reader continue through the poem quickly, which fits with the hurried and obsessive subject matter. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Since you used so many -ing verbs, which normally imply present, I was thrown off when the other verbs were in past. Especially since your line "I am dying" is in present, too. I think the poem would have greater effect if these were changed to present to give a greater since of urgency. Here are the lines I noticed this in:

- Trembling hands kept on ("keep")
- Blended into one. ("blend")
- Eyes began to water while ("begin")
- Bones and joints started cracking ("start")
- Throat started drying. ("starts")
- Suddenly felt very ("feel")

- While visions blurring. (this should be either "vision's blurring" or "visions blur" ("blurred" if you decide to stick to past tense)


Overall, a well-written, unique poem. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Pat, this is a poem full of sorrow, but also hope. Your rhyme and rhythm were awesome, never seeming forced. I could really feel powerful emotions coming out clearly in this. The contrast between the two mothers was stark and unsettling. I commend you for bringing light to this and sharing such a personal matter with us here at WDC. *Smile* I do have one minor suggestion, take it or leave it:

- For his woes he knew no one to blame.. (might read better as "For his woes he knew not who to blame")


An awesome poem. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Rinku is Thirsty.  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.0)
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You certainly have a knack for storytelling. I love how you talked about Rinku as a person, much as your daughter thought he was. I loved the descriptions of the interaction between Nanni and Rinku, and thought your timing with everything was great. The content of this piece is superb. *Bigsmile* I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I would have liked a psychical description of Nanni. I had a hard time picturing this littler girl, and would have liked to know what she looks like.


Some editorial notes:
- watch out for comma splices (using a comma instead of semicolon or period to connect two independent phrases)
- when you use "and" and the subject changes from before the "and" to after it, a comma is needed

- There was familiar the thump-thump of the school bag. (switch position of "familiar" and "the"..."the familiar thump-thump")
- a fraction of (a) second
- always unencumbered by its burden(,) and it juddered
- announced the shoes had come off(,) and assorted clatter
- burst(ed) seams
- striking at unwarychildren. ("unwary children")
- the bottom of her bag(,) anyway.
- stuffed rabbit; Rinku was usually (change semicolon to comma)
- on my part,, knowing (remove extra comma)
- “I’ll just run across to Sabita Auntie’s house and ‘borrow’ some lemons.
(missing an end quotation mark)
- sticky time with the squeezer(,) I tried
- one half(-)squeezed lemon
- or anything(,) and certainly his eyes
- acceptable to Rinku(,) and I heard
- into my arms(,) and instead
- not quite right(,) but that Rinku
- made me ask(,) “how much
- paroxysms of laughter subsided(,) she lifted
- “Mummy(,) I just made un-lemonade”.
- in satisfied reminiscence, he was a great (change comma to semicolon)
- well(-)brought(-)up little girl


Overall, I think you have an excellent story here. With a bit of editing and more description, I think it could be even better. I hope this review can be of some help. Keep up the good work!


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Review of Ponderings...  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the structure of this, or more accurately, the lack of structure. It mimics very well how thoughts are and gives the poem a great feel and emotion. I liked the informal tone and the reflections on past and future. I loved the last stanza...it is so true that while we can't change the past, we can learn from it. It is a great lesson you have reminded the reader of. I think the ambiguity of the poem allows the reader to have their own particular memories come up when they read this, which allows him or her to connect on a personal level. I also did not spot any grammar/punctuation errors (rare for me). I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions to offer on this piece. I think it's wonderful as-is. *Bigsmile* Keep up the great work!


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Review of A Wise Lesson  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha, Pat...this was hilarious! *Laugh* This was a great thing to read in the middle of my busy day. Where on earth did you come up with this idea? I think the snappy rhyme and the way you worded things makes this spectacular. I do have just a few very minor suggestions, take them or leave them:

- They all went shopping the next day, (Not sure why, but I think this might read better if you add a "very" - "the very next day.")

- There were clothes, and shoes all over (don't need comma)

- Or you'll spend your money paying off (to keep consistent, I wouldn't capitalize this line, since you use a comma in the line before.)


Overall, an excellent poem, as I expect from you. And the suggestions are really very minor and somewhat personal opinion, so I'm not going to let them affect your rating. Keep writing!


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Review of Letting Go  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
A beautiful poem that imparts a sense of peace to the reader and shows the author's great faith. I thought the last stanza was an excellent way to end the poem - very simple, but powerful, with a sense of finality. I loved the metaphor of the heart being a "lake of emotions" - great way to put it! I do have one small suggestion, take it or leave it:

- I sit outside / as evening shadows dance (This was the only spot where I felt the flow was just a tad bit off...I think b/c the second line has more syllables than the first...I would suggest moving "as" to the first line to even it up. This would also place greater emphasis on the excellent imagery you have in "evening shadows dance.")


Overall, a good poem that was a pleasure to read, especially in the middle of my hectic day. *Smile* Great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (4.5)
I can definitely feel a natural melodic flow to this, although a particular tune I can't put my finger on. I think you did a wonderful job keeping a theme throughout and incorporating some great imagery related to it. It was wonderful and soothing to read. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- We'll hit the Milky Way then launch a fireball display (I would consider changing the second image to something more consistent with the Milky Way image....what about "launch a meteor display"? I suppose you could indeed mean this by "fireball," but a fireball can be many other things as well.)

- heaven ("Heaven")

Other than these couple of minor things, I thought these lyrics were great! Keep writing! *Bigsmile*


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Review of Missing papers  
Review by wiggy
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think you did a good job relating a true-life experience. The amount of detail you included allows the reader to understand clearly the event. Content-wise, this is very well-written. *Smile* I do have several suggestions, though, take them or leave them:

- Although your content is good, I think this could use a thorough proofreading and edit....there were several issues with commas, awkward sentences, etc. that made this a bit difficult to read and really took away from the story. I have tried to list all the ones I found, but I would suggest going back over it yourself, too.

- as we passed by the bookstores, "It vanished (comma should be period)
- I feel disgusted(,) Jerry!
- Even though, we have the computerized data (comma not needed)
- the judges were asking (change "were" to "are" to keep a consistent past tense)
- hard copies," and her voice trailed away (change comma to period and start a new sentence..."Her voice trailed away...")
- have to wait for another year for such (awkward...would remove first "for")
- I remember it very clearly how it had all started: our project (would remove first "it" and change colon to comma)
- running(,) displaying
- do my friends believed in me when I had narrated them many a times, the complete (awkward, what about..."did my friends believe me when I had told them many times the complete...")
- I read a lot, the next year, about Titanium and its great qualities(,) as we had visited (first two commas not needed)
- high(-)purity
- actually Mr. Dufus Scrooge, I bet his parents were Disney fans, (would replace commas with parentheses)
- An estimated 5 Tonnes of such high valued waste is lying unattended at abny ("Tonnes" should be "tons" and "abny" I believe should be "any")
- at the Fischer Hearth, and similar such programmes, for developing (commas not needed, and "programmes" should be "programs")
- And, then one strange(-)looking guy, dressed completely in black(,) had brushed (comma after "and" not needed)
- May I ask? Whom are we talking to, sir? (awkward, what about simply "May I ask who you are, sir?")
- for what I did today," (comma should be period, since the action following it is not one of speaking)
- I offer you and your associates, internships based on this work. (comma not needed)
- or what at that very instant(,) and so was


I think with a careful eye to proofreading and editing, this story could be much better. I hope this review can be of some help, and if you need any further help, let me know and I'd be glad to do what I can. I enjoyed hearing about one of your true-life experiences. Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting idea for a story....phychics are a controversial subject, with some ppl totally believing in them, and other's thinking the whole idea is stupid and crazy. I appreciated the details you included about the sights and smells inside the phychic's place...it really sets the reader inside the story. *Smile* And I can just imagine someone acting like the MC when forced to go through something they feel is nonsense. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I would have liked some physical description in regards to the characters. What do they look like? This will help the reader picture the story better.
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- I felt like the ending kind of fell flat. Stories need to end with a bang, or else the story can seem pointless. What about having some doubt enter the MC's mind at the end...perhaps there is something to this psychic thing. A good story should have round characters, ones that change in some way. It would make the story more interesting if the MC underwent a change.


Some editorial suggestions:
- This is ridiculous. This is insane. (This seemed a little unnatural, what about combining them?..."This is ridiculous, insane!"

- The lights were dim, and glancing up(,) I saw

- She wore only the usual amount of eye shadow, which looks bad enough on anyone, (I'm not sure what you mean by the second part, and it seems like a side comment that doesn't really add anything to the story, so I would consider removing it.)

- back in my apartment(,) the better.


Overall, I think you have an interesting concept for a story here, but that it could use some work in regards to making your MC round and including more description. Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This review is being entered in
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#1383756 by Not Available.


SORRY ABOUT THE DOUBLE REVIEW...I FORGOT THE LINK TO THE CONTEST *Blush* I AM SENDING BACK THE AUTO-REWARD FOR THIS SECOND ONE


I liked the banter going on between the two characters, and it's a good precursor to the more serious issue related at the end. You use good details about the cabs not stopping and the locked back door to really bring your point across clearly. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I know this was for a word limit, but I would have liked to seen a few small details about the physical appearance of the characters, like hair and eye color, beyond just that KZ is a big man, and Dailey's head is shaven. I had a hard time actually picturing these two.


- Some editorial notes....remember that when a character is addressed, it is set off by a comma, and that compound adjectives require a hypen:

- "Last one(,) Dailey."
- "Fuck you(,) KZ."
- clouded his senses(,) and he placed
- "We gotta move(,) Marine.
- star(-)filled sky.
- rainbow(-)colored cars
- What the hell was that about(,) Kralovitz?"
- turned to serious(ness)


Overall, a nice piece of flash fiction. With a bit more description and a little bit of editing, this would truly be an excellent piece! Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I liked the banter going on between the two characters, and it's a good precursor to the more serious issue related at the end. You use good details about the cabs not stopping and the locked back door to really bring your point across clearly. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I know this was for a word limit, but I would have liked to seen a few small details about the physical appearance of the characters, like hair and eye color, beyond just that KZ is a big man, and Dailey's head is shaven. I had a hard time actually picturing these two.


- Some editorial notes....remember that when a character is addressed, it is set off by a comma, and that compound adjectives require a hypen:

- "Last one(,) Dailey."
- "Fuck you(,) KZ."
- clouded his senses(,) and he placed
- "We gotta move(,) Marine.
- star(-)filled sky.
- rainbow(-)colored cars
- What the hell was that about(,) Kralovitz?"
- turned to serious(ness)


Overall, a nice piece of flash fiction. With a bit more description and a little bit of editing, this would truly be an excellent piece! Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What an interesting poem! It is a truly a different way to look at Death, as a friend. I liked the use of some older language too, to echo Dickenson...I have read her poem that I believe inspired you to write this one, and I think you do as much justice to such a prolific poet as is possible (they're very hard shoes to fill *Wink*). I also thought the rhythm was rather good, and the long lines worked very well for this particular poem. I do have some suggestions, take them or leave them:

- You did fairly well finding rhymes....although the rhyme scheme confused me a bit and stunted my reading. Instead of having sometimes 6 lines, 4 lines, or only 2 lines in a row that rhyme, perhaps it would read better with a regular rhyme scheme with couplet rhymes....AABBCCDD.... The strong parts of this poem, I felt, where when you had only two lines that rhymed and went on to a new rhyme. Here are some parts that read a bit problematic to me:

- The first 6 lines all rhymed...perhaps even just revising the 3rd and 4th lines would help, something like... "He said, "your time has come, we must now soon go; / just take my hand and we will start." Again I replied "no." This is only an example, and probably not a very good one...but perhaps you can come up with something better. *Wink*

- He said, "This is the price you pay, thou tattered and forlorn / for turning down my quiet call to follow Life's sweet horn. (This was another part...you had 4 rhyming lines in a row....perhaps something as making the end words "small" and "call" would work to break up the long chunk of rhyme).

- I took his hand and off we went; to where I could not say. / I only know it's likeness, a realm of endless day. (For this one, perhaps "I could not tell quite" and "light" as the endings?)


As I said, probably not the best examples, but you get my point. A good place if you are looking for rhymes is http://www.rhymezone.com/

Overall, I think you have an excellent poem here, content-wise, and your expression is excellent, hence my high rating. It is truly a thought-provoking poem. I think it could be even better if the rhyme scheme were regularized, though. I hope this review can be of some help. Keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*


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