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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever wake up from a dream upset? I just did! I was sitting on a plane flying back to Arizona in my dream and started crying. "Oh No, I have to go back to my life now." First of all I don't live in Arizona. I wish I did sometimes. I don't have a clue why my life would be so upsetting. I think I must be doing something wrong. Either my dream life is off or my current life is mixed up. I am pretty sure it's a combination of both! I think this being single at my age is confusing me. I still have such old fashioned views about relationships and dating. I had an amazing conversation with my friend last night and it has really got me thinking about my wants vs. my needs. I don't need a man. I like just the company of a man. I don't need to be loved but I feel better when I am. I don't think I was made to be alone and yet I don't think I am ready for a serious relationship either. It's confusing but it's me. I am good with trying to figure this all out. In time... Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have my first official role as a Wedding Coordinator today. I will be at a bridal show all day advertising my church. Next weekend I have my first wedding. It's really happening! I love it and know that this is a role that will bring me many joys. I love talking to people and nothing is more joyous and fun then a couple "in love". I do feel like I have multiple personalities and that I can have three different careers going at once. It will be challenging. Heck, I was a stay-at-home mom for all those years. I know how to run three things at a time! Have a wonderful love filled day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have very little to say anymore. I am too deep inside trying to find my way and make sense of everything. I have to live with the peace and make sense of the crazy talk. I am going to be just fine. I am gonna take it one day at a time and let my soul breath. It has finally hit me I am alone and I am safe. I am content and I will always have outside help if I need it. I am proud of who I am. I am happy being me and today is going to be a fun day! I have the art studio and maybe drinks out later. I don't know. I am just going to go with the flow and see where the wind takes me today. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am going to take this lovely month to look inside and find myself. I am going to take some time to figure out what I am doing and where I am going. I am going to ask myself WHY and get to the bottom of some of my harder decisions. I am tired of feeling pulled by life and being scared that I can't take care of myself. Well, I know I CAN! I will make a plan and stick with it. I will move forward and say goodbye to my past. I love being in therapy and having goals. I know that must sound funny because I am a therapist but you know you need other people. I can't do it alone. I can heal myself. I need to talk and bounce ideas around. I know what to do but it helps when I have a professional to help me. It's all good! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am sitting at AA Muffler waiting for a flat tire to get fixed. It's just been one of those days! Up at 1:00a.m to a power outage. It didn't take it very long for the house to chill down. I think I am just going to add this day as one more reason that to keep my sense of humor! I seriously need it. I love my life and the fact that I am always surrounded by the people that bring me joy! Thank YOU!!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have to put some energy back into my day! It starts with getting organized. I have been letting my bills and paper work pile up. It's not a healthy site so today I am going to attack it and clear out the mess. I only have one more day at home before I get back to work so I better be productive while I am here. I am so excited to return to my office tomorrow. I think I better bring some lint clothes. I am sure everything is covered in dust and cobwebs. Yes, it's been that long!! I am excited to get my life back! One sweet day at a time. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Okay I have to sit with Jackson one more day! He will be able to return to school on Thursday. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to have him back on track. We had a long meeting with the school and they are really trying to understand him and work for what he needs to be successful in the classroom. I am blessed by so many supportive and loving people in my life. It is a new week and I still have a long way to go to get my life on track and make sense of all these emotional set-backs. I can do it. It's a new day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am in a cloud of memories. I love my luck and I can finally say that Facebook has paid off. I am so amazed that my childhood friend found me. Tim was the first boy that I kissed. Tim was the boy I called buddy and hung out with. He always made me laugh. He was so cute and I had a ton of crushes on him over the years. For the last few days we have been talking on the phone and getting caught up. The best part is the memories of our childhood. I haven't thought about grade school in a long long time. I haven't thought about the embarrassing moments. I hadn't thought about the boys I had crushes on. I hadn't thought about the girls that I played with. I am so happy. I am so excited to be reunited with a long lost friend. I am excited that no matter how much time and distance a person travels you can still go back and laugh at your past. Shared memories are just that shared memories. What caught me off guard was how he described me in high school. How he was intimated by me. How he said that I always held myself with so much confidence. I am thinking back to my high school days and that is not how I felt. How funny that is what he seen in me. He is reminding me that a long time ago I did have my act together. I presented who I wanted to be. I just didn't have the confidence to believe it all the time. Now, I am getting back my confidence. Now I am seeing myself in a better light. I am still that girl that loved to laugh. I am happy! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever get confused by your own choices? I am an idiot. I know it. I keep pushing my feelings down. I keep going second. I keep accepting the trash that doesn't belong to me. When am I going to get strong and say enough? I don't have the strength to call and him and tell him goodbye. I don't have the words that won't crush my heart. I don't have the will power to move on. I will be the one that got away. I will be the one he will think about. I will be the one he wishes he could have changed for. I will be the one that walked away. I will be the one that came into his life at the wrong time. I will be the one that he dreams about. I will be the one he wants to control. I will be the one that says no. He will be the one that changed the direction of my soul. He will be the one I have the hardest time letting go. He will be the one I reach for in my sleep. He will be the one I want to keep. He will be the one that makes me weep. I have to stop being so weak. I have to love me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am working towards healing and taking a little break for myself. I don't always have to be in charge. I can let things slide but lately things have been sliding too far away from my mental energy. It's not been easy for me to live unorganized. I need structure and work. I need plans. I need baby steps towards wellness. I also need a serious chance to heal my broken heart. I have many more steps to take! Love, Michelle PS...Happy Birthday Sweet Dominica! xx |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I always thought it was but now I know better. I know that I can not do this alone. I went to see a therapist yesterday and I already feel better. I know I have the way out of this inside. I just have to find my way and let go. It's never too late to live the life you are meant to live! I love my life! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I need to show more love. I need to believe in more love and find my strength. Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was weak and let my emotions get the best of me. It was not cool. Today is a new day and I am filling it with love. I do know how to love. I believe in love. I like the feeling it gives me. I like that rush of sensation I get when I am with my lover. However, I am not talking about my passion. I am talking about that deep feeling of contentment and relaxation. I am talking about that sense of peace that fills my soul. I know I also feel that when I am being kind to myself. When I really love myself I am at peace. I can do anything. Nothing is off limits but my anger. I don't want my day to be filled with fear. I am tired of my anger getting in my way of change. I will love today. I will show it. I will spread it and be kind. Love, Michelle |
| Hello, Sweet Summer wishes! It's so cold outside it reminds me that I don't like it. I want Summer! I want a warm sunny breezy 85 degree day! I want to sit outside in the sunshine. I want to lay in my hammock. I could kick a ball around the yard and play! I wouldn't mind the winter if you could play in it. But this is not playing weather. This is covering up like an Eskimo and running between the car and house. This is the kind of cold that hurts my body and dulls my mind. I have to run away and keep myself busy! Warm my body and soul! Happy Thoughts!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am not sure if I have lost my motivation or if f I am just frozen? However when the temps dip this low all I want to do is hide behind my covers. It doesn't help that Jackson is here not doing his homework. I am not a teacher. I am mom. Simple and complex crazy and sane happy and joyful excited that I can make changes within myself. I figure if I work on myself then I will have the understanding and patience to understand those around me. I am confused about him but I know in time it will all work out and make sense. One day at a time! One moment of love can spread like wild fire. Let it burn! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I didn't even realize it was snowing! Now the entire ground is covered and it's so pretty! I haven't been outside yet to see if it's too cold but I am happy to see Winter return. Our weather is so strange. I don't mind it but it's hard to get used to. It's not easy when you have kids off school and nothing to do. I have to work at the art studio for a couple hours and Jackson doesn't want to go. It's always the little stuff that seems like such a big deal. I am going to let it ride today. I want to start this week out with positive energy! Be happy! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I took some much needed time for myself this weekend. No kids. Just a little bit of work and a lot of time to think. I am not in a relationship but a deep and troubled friendship. I am here for him and he is not here for me. I get that and now I understand why it's not bothering me. It's not bothering me because I love him. I love him and I even understand him. I am not suppose to be the one he loves. I am the one he needs to use. I think in life we all play a role. We have some kind of temporary path that we are meant to travel. We are not always selfish. Sometimes our skills are needed to help and direct lost souls. I believe that love is the greatest healing gift. I haven't been loving my son enough. I have been so caught up my past web of emotions that I forget I am not a kid anymore. Every hard thing I have done to be a happy adult is getting tested. I forgot that I do have some control over this problem. I can look at in a different light. I can take off my hurt and past expectations and start to believe in the future. I know deep in my soul that my son is hurting. Just like a little child he needed to hurt me so I could understand his pain. I see it happening again and I am not handling it well. I don't have to take this as a personal attack but as a wake-up call that I am needed. That I have the skills and endless connection to God and Love. I worked hard in the past to get my son the help he needs and I will continue. I won't give up. I won't let him run me down or take away my power. He wants something and I have to help him find it. I don't like that he always pushes me to the edge but I do my best when I am silent. When I really take the time to listen to the words not spoken. Love is here! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Well having three jobs isn't so bad after all. I get to keep busy (distracted) and have fun! I am working again at the art studio and I am so excited. I like being busy to take my mind off of myself. I need the interaction with positive and loving people. I met some wonderful nice guys out last night and it was just what my happy soul needed. I am forever blessed by God's good will towards me. I get it. I get that I am suppose to ask for help. This week alone I have met three new people that are going to influence my behavior. I think I need to get out of my mode of hurting and get back to healing. I love myself and I love my life! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am sitting in the public library because I needed someplace I could get my son to work and not "act" out if he was angry. He is a little distracted but for the most part he is doing his work. I am not sure how to manage the next few weeks with him out of school. I am so grateful for loving support but I need more. I need something just for me. I need to look at this in a different way. I am burned out. I am confused. I am over-reacting. I get my reactions but still feel like I am missing something that could help me. I pray that the answers come to me soon. Maybe it is all me and I am the one that is insane! I think it would be awesome if the Mother takes the entire blame for every single thing that goes wrong in a family. Let's put it all on the mom. She can handle it. Sure, she has no emotions. She has no past that can haunt her. She has no mistakes or failures. She is after all super human. And now to top off my emotional bullshit rant I just got a text from my ex telling me that I should take the blame for this because I once told Jackson I hated him. Well, sure I must tell him every single day that I hate him. I am sure I must be the reason my son can't stay in school. I must be the reason he hates life. I must be the reason I moved hell to get him help when he was hearing voices that wanted to kill me. Sure, I can take the blame but I can't fix it. I can agree with you and nod my head yes. I can see it but I can't do a damn thing about it. You think if I change Jackson will too? Well. I have been here and I have done that. Now it's his time to change and I don't give a shit what I have to it's never going to be enough. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, It's not about me but I am sad. After 6 years it is an end of an era. We said goodbye to Beth today. I will no longer talk to the one therapist that knew my son as well as I did. She can no longer help Jackson. I should go back and see if she wants me as a client. I know she understands my stress! It is time to move on and ask for a change. It is time to do something new. I have known for sometime that we needed a new therapist but it's hard to say goodbye to someone who has over the years been my greatest help. I could not have grown as a person or a personal therapist without her input and guidance. I was blessed by God when I met her and I wish her only the best the rest of her life. Everyone seems to be so "hopeful" around me but I am not feeling that way. Jackson just got kicked out of school today for another 6 days. I am fried. I and tired and sick of losing work. I am tired of having no life because he can't stay in school and control his anger. I am tired of feeling like his whipping post. I am tired of feeling defeated and broken. It's not punishment that Jackson is my son but it is odd that I am feeling what I am feeling. One step at a time we will move in the right direction. I need to find a therapist for me. I am ready! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, The power of friendship is a gift. To be able to count on a friend when you need to talk or cry. I am lucky that so many of my friends take the time to listen and care. I am going to try to be Jax's friend during this transition into change. I don't see him being a bad kid or that he is going to continue to hate me the rest of his life. I think he is as tired of his anger and self-dislike as I am. I see a little glimpse of hope and I am going with it! It's because I have so much support. I know that my friends care about my own mental health. I need to get back into therapy myself. I think it would be good if I could talk to someone about all of this pain. I will look into this week. I have to find my own way so that I continue to stay healthy and loving. Love, Michelle |
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