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A blog for my MHWA group dealings and anxiety issues I deal with. |
| How was April for you? What did you do last month? What was the best thing that happened in April? What was the worst? April was actually a pretty good month for me. Though I didn't do any writing, I did manage to do other things. One of the other tasks actually hits on what I did in April. Task 18 which is about art therapy. I've always been creative and artistic, I got that from my mom. She is very creative as well and does a lot of artistic things, much more than I do. I don't have the patience to do all the things she does, but I do enjoy creating, making, drawing, painting, wood burning, etching. And I've wood burned in previous years just before and more frequently when I left my ex-husband. I've started wood burning again and have done about 9 pieces in April. I'm still getting used to doing it so my work is not the greatest, but I have shared my work on social media and received compliments on it. I'm a little hesitant yet on shading any of my work, fearing I'll ruin what I've done, but I'm trying to get past it. It's only wood, right? Yeah, still that self-esteem thing gets me. I don't think I'm good at it yet. I have a huge coffee table that I'm trying to redo the centerpiece in, but I'm not ready for such a big project. The table was given to us for free so it's not like I'd be wasting money if I screwed it up, but still, I don't want to screw it up. I did purchase the wood that would go in the center of it. $50. Still not a lot of money, but it's my confidence that I'll fuck it up that keeps me from working on it. I have so many ideas, but I'd rather someone else just does it instead of me, though I know it would have so much more meaning to it if I did it myself. Anyway, the good and bad about April are pretty much the same thing. I 'had' rotting teeth. Through my marriage and last relationship, my teeth suffered severely because of abuse. My exes thought that, for some reason, if I was brushing my teeth and making my breath smell better it must be because I was meeting someone, so I neglected the health of my teeth to save relationships. It didn't work in the end, the only thing it accomplished was me suffering with broken and decayed teeth so bad that I had to limit what I ate. And it was only getting worse. I was having headaches and toothaches 24/7, no appetite, forced to only eat mostly soft foods, and me being a cook, was hard to do, as well, I'm a meat and taters kinda gal. So I bit the bullet last month and did what needed to be done. I went to the dentist. It's been a week and a day since I made the decision to have ALL of my teeth pulled and dentures made. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. I fought it, a lot. I went back and forth with the idea a lot. But I did it. My anxiety was on high for so many reasons and sadly one of the reasons actually happened. After they extracted all of my teeth they were supposed to put my dentures in and leave them in, and they didn't. I don't think they even tried them in like they say they did, to be honest, but still. One of my fears was having to go for a while without having teeth. Well, I'm without teeth, but not because of why I feared. But because of the dentists fuck up. I had an appointment scheduled for the day after my surgery to have my dentures properly fitted for me but was unable to do so because my mouth had swollen so bad there was no getting the teeth in my mouth. If the other dentist would have at least told me to try them in after an hour or so after my surgery I'd have teeth in my mouth right now, but alas. Whats done is done and it cant be undone. I've just had to accept it and continue living. Its been so hard though. You never realize what you have till it's gone. You take for granted so many little things in life until it's gone. I'm still stuck eating mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs, and yogurt. Yep, that's been my diet for a week. I'm starving. I know I will eventually be able to enjoy food again, but like I keep telling my boyfriend, by that time, my appetite will be zilch. Before this, I was only eating once maybe twice a day if even that. I think in the last week I've eaten the equivalent of two meals. It's just a matter of patience, I know this, but I also know I don't possess a lot of it. I know I did the right thing, the healthy thing, and in the end, I will be better for the decision, but right now, I'm not so confident. I'm hideous, I'm hungry, and I'm in pain, still. So that was the good and equally bad part of April for me. How was your start to Spring? Oh and I forgot to mention, my dental insurance who when I initially called and asked how much of this procedure they would cover told me 80% on one and 50% on the other, ended up only paying $1000 altogether. So yeah I have to pay $7000 out of pocket. My dentures were free (not really because my premiums every month covered these), but they are only temporary dentures. In 6 months I'm supposed to go back and get my permanent ones which will cost me another $3000+. It'll be worth it in the end, it'll be worth it in the end, it'll be worth it in the end. I just have to keep telling myself this.  Shhh. Whisper..... |
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