|Curiouser and Curiouser ▼
The most curious thing that ever happened to me was the time I almost won the lottery. I had a dream, very vivid, of reading the lottery numbers in the paper and comparing them to a ticket in my hand. The numbers matched. I awoke knowing I needed to buy a ticket. I knew the numbers! I waited a week and bought a ticket. I checked the paper and the numbers matched, last week's drawing if only I hadn't waited...
Who Am I? ▼
I must down to the john again, to the lonely shower and the tub,
And all I ask is a bar of soap and a poof to rub it on;
And the drain' whirl and the shower song and the confused cat's shaking,
And a light mist on my face, and the greywater draining.
I must down to the john again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a clean seat with the white tp flying,
And no flung spray or blown spume, and no empty tube crying.
I must down to the john again, to the laundry cleaning strife,
For the machine's sway and the dryer’s pray where the floor's like a wetted life;
And all I ask is a dry mop from a mess found all over,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long chore’s over.
Alice's Right Foot ▼
I fell asleep with two legs and ten toes, but when I awoke I only felt one. The other was numb, gone for all I could feel. I reached down and found an empty space. I wondered where it could have wandered to. I didn't trust it not to stub its toes. It was by far my clumsiest appendage. It had probably gone and got itself stuck behind the dryer as that silly kitten had.
My other leg seemed restless too. I reached for it before it could pop off and wander around too. Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough. The darned thing made a break for it hopping gracefully out of the bedroom door. I propped myself upright with my arms, very thankful they had not jumped ship too. How was I going to get my legs back?
I thought long and hard. Then I realized they had put on my slippers before they left the room. It seems they didn't like cold linoleum when they were on their own either. So I whistled for my dog, Dufus. Dufus ran right in and plowed into the middle of the bed. He looked me in the eyes with that goofy Great Dane smile of his.
"Dufus, fetch mommy's slippers, and the feet in them!" He looked me over and then ran from the room.
He returned with my winter gloves.
"No, Dufus, fetch mommy's slippers, and the feet in them!" He wagged and woofed and returned with one of the throw pillows from the living room couch.
Ten times I gave him the same instructions, the last time he dropped his slobbery tennis ball in what would have been my lap. I threw it out of the bedroom in frustration. Out in the hall, I heard a scuffle and a whimper. Then a thud. Doofus returned with my right leg. It wore red thigh high patent leather boots. I don't own red thigh-high patent leather boots. "Good dog, Dufus. Find mamma's other leg." Again he wagged and woofed.
Another tussle resulted in him dragging my left leg back. It was knotted up in a pair of fishnet stockings, another item not in my wardrobe. By that time my right leg was trying to escape again. Dufus dropped my left leg on the bed and snarled, backing my right leg right back onto the bed. After several minutes of fumbling, I managed to reattach my legs. Doofus promptly laid down on them. For the first time I was grateful for the hundred-fifty pound lump of fur. I fell back to sleep secure in the knowledge my legs would be there when I woke up.