Just Jul Lee

Maybe I Am

Maybe I Am
Date: JANUARY 2, 2003

Maybe I am bitter. Can you blame me? I sit here and think of the fact that I have failed quite a bit in my life, I look back at my mistakes and wonder if it is possible to relive them. And then I screw up again.

The stumbling blocks on my road of life are always the same. I trip and fall, cry and repent, and swear I'll never do it again. Tomorrow comes and I fall again, same block, same prayer.

So recently I feel as if I have left God, as if He is not listening to me, not caring about me. I feel as if I am standing all alone in a large arena and no one knows where I am...and no one cares.

Maybe I am depressed. I talk to myself, offer myself comfort. I tell myself stories to make the day go better. I tell myself I'm ugly and somedays I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I tell myself I will never be married because I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve happiness or children or the dreams I once held so dear.

If the sun still rises I don't see it. The silver lining on the clouds is a dull gray and is only warning me of the storms on the horizons. I see only darkness and most of it is my own. I see only sin and it is the sin I commit.

The walls of my prison are self-inflicted and self-built. The darkness in my skies is imagined, the sin in my life is due to my lack of self-control. So, I am to blame for the bitter life I live.

Maybe I am distant. I try to be friends with people, try to be needed, and I guess I smother. When I am shunned I remain aloof. Why seek a friendship that causes such pain? Why make life harder than it already is by seeking out people who don't care.

If my phone would ring more often would I smile more? If my father didn't drink so much and actually cared about me, would I not cry so much? If I didn't have to be so self-reliant, if I could humble myself enough to be comforted, if I could cry on someone's shoulder and let them hold me, would the pain lessen?

I run in circles, dancing around the pain I avoided long ago. I sit in silence and hate the voice in my head, my voice. I listen to music and drift off to the place where I am happy only to return to the dark forest of my daily life.

Maybe I am alone. Surrounded by family I can't go to for comfort, I can't show weakness to. Having people around me who don't go out of their way to say hi to me, people I don't go out of my way to say hi to. I do my best when I feel my best, which is not often enough, and I call them when I feel happy. They shoot me down, cast me aside and I am alone.

I sit in my room with my cats, preferring their company to my mother's. I go downstairs when no one is down there, I talk to myself more than others. I invent friends and have conversations with myself.

I dream of nothing and wake early, unable to return to sleep. I wake alone and think no one will ever love me. I stare at the walls, lonely and sad, and I cry more than ever now.

Maybe I am crying too much. I weep because I am alone, I weep because I have failed, I weep because I fail still. I weep because of my sin, I weep because of my pain that I can't understand, for the lonliness I long for and loathe.

If I cry it is because I don't know what else to do. I lay down and weep, allowing my frustrations to be vented in wet tears and eternal depression. I wallow deeper into the blackness of my existence and I cry.

My face hurts from the excessive weeping, my heart aches from the pain and no one calls. No one visits. No one cares.

Maybe I am just another face in the crowds.

Maybe I am just another failure to be forgotten.

Maybe I am just causing myself more pain.

Maybe I am just a thorn in the sides of those who know me.

Maybe I am....

But don't tell me you understand. Don't tell me you care. Don't tell me it will get better.

I've heard it all before.

And I still am.

I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!